Saturday, 13 September 2014

Heavenly Verdict

A man dies and goes to Heaven.

He is surprised to be lead into a well-furnished room where St Peter is sitting at a large desk in front of a computer.

St Peter invites him to sit down and taps his details into the computer.

“I’m surprised to see a computer here,” says the man hesitantly, trying to make polite conversation, “I thought you’d have a big book with parchment paper and all our names written there.”

“Oh … that’s a common misconception,” replies St Peter, “we replaced the big books years ago. They were a bit unwieldy and heavy; and they were a bit slow to use. You know what it’s like … searching pages after pages for someone’s name!”

“Yes …” says the man nervously, “computers are much faster.”

“They sure are,” smiles St Peter clicking away on the keyboard, “a few key strokes here and there and we have all the information we need on view … the whole of one’s life is here for me to read.”

“Does the computer ever go wrong?” asks the man, sweating a little with concern about his prospects of entry, “I know they often went wrong on earth …”

“Oh yes …” replies the Saint chuckling quietly, “computers are computers whether on earth or here in Heaven. It’s just a machine … and all machines go wrong now and then. Not like a book … what is written there remains there … unless it is altered or the page is torn away … which is obvious to the eye. You can easily see an alteration in a book.

“But computers sometimes freeze up … or play up every now and then and you can’t move forward to the next screen.

“Thumping the computer on the side with an old fish I caught recently doesn’t always work. I find that Control Alt and Delete does the trick but only sometimes. Either that, or I just switch it off and on again … ha ha ha … that sorts it all right! Don't try hitting the computer with something hard like a tin of sardines though. It really hurts if you get your fingers caught!” The Saint chuckled uncontrollably.

A few moments later St Peter stops chuckling to himself for a while and starts scratching his long white beard before deciding what to input next on his computer.

“But … but … what if the database is wrong? An input error somewhere in the system?” splutters the man in a panic, “you could send a poor soul in the wrong place by mistake!”

“No one goes to hell by mistake … that never happens,” said the Saint confidently, “we have a fail safe system for that.

“God is supervising every transaction in another room. He has a monitor on His desk and He automatically checks every decision I make here on my computer. He is good that way … and He NEVER makes mistakes !!!

"The other day I had a guy here who had been a good man all his life. Never broke the law, was faithful to his wife, loved his children, worked hard … that sort of thing … he even went to church now and then.

“But he’d only done one good thing in his entire life … he once gave ten cents to a beggar in the street.

“I didn’t know what to decide; so I emailed God. A few seconds later He replied:

“ ‘Give him his ten cents back and tell him to go to hell!’

"You see ... God is very wise. No one goes to hell by mistake. He doesn't send anyone to hell really. It is people with their own actions who send themselves to hell."

Moral of the story:

"Not everyone who calls me 'Lord, Lord' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but only those who do what my Father in Heaven wants them to do." Matthew 7:21

8 comments:



  1. I pray none of us hear that same thing from God!

    ReplyDelete
  2. When I heard this one in the sixties, the version of this man... well back then heaven had still not evolved that far into computers the way heaven as nowadays... anyway this man was very rich and back then this rich man while on earth had no time for little men or the poor and so he wanted nothing to do with Peter cause he considered Saint Peter as a little man also...

    Long story short, Saint Peter back then did everything he could to get this man into heaven but this man just kept insisting with insults that he only spoke to the top man on earth and that's how he still wanted "IT" done...Peter could no longer tough "IT" out I guess cause heaven had not evolved to computers yet... Peter did manage to learn that this man had given a prostitute a Canadian two dollar bill...

    As you know, Peter had no choice but to give Good Old Dad (GOD) a call and as you know GOD told Saint Peter to give him back his two dollars and then send him to hell...lol

    I don't know if I dare tell you and your readers how Saint Peter dealt with woman back then... Ok if you insist...

    Back then Saint Peter had no problem with woman cause they were all basically good woman and many were loving mothers so all he did back then was to ask them to answer one simple question and then let them into heaven.

    Anyway! Back in the sixties or so I guess, there were three so called liberated woman who died together and so Saint Peter had to see them separately and when he saw the first one... he said to her, I have one question for you and then you may go into heaven... with a questionable facial voice she said, I SEE!... NO, no! replied Saint Peter, it is simple, you simply need to spell GOD for me is all... Really she said and then spelled G.O.D. and Peter let her into heaven.

    When he saw the second woman who had also died in a crash and saw that there were no woman around... well, she just had to ask Peter where all his woman helpers were... but Saint Peter kindly said, please spell GOD and then you may go into heaven... she hesitated somewhat and replied G.o.d. but where are all the woman who should be helping you as she ventured into heaven.

    Now it was the third woman's turn and you would have taught that somehow the other two had contacted her but then again she was probably one of the leaders... anyway Saint Peter told her that she only had to answer one question and then she could go into heaven...well, to say that this liberated woman lost it with Saint Peter would have been an under statement... she raked him through a verbal vile language saying stuff like how she had enough of these male chauvinistic on earth while giving a LOT of examples and so Peter politely stopped her on her tract by saying, really, all I'm going to do like I did to your other frineds is ask you a question and if you answer it, you may join your friends in heaven... OK THEN ASK YOUR QUESTION NOW!

    WILL YA PLEASE SPELL CZECHOSLOVAKIAC NOW!...LOL :)


    God Bless

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for sharing this with us.

    God bless.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Victor #1, I was wondering why you didn't simplify your story by just saying something like this below:

    Jesus said to Peter... and I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church... and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.

    I hear YA! But then where is my chuckle of the day Victor?...lol

    God Bless

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well said. Well said indeed.

      God bless you and your family too.

      Delete

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