Thursday, 14 May 2015
I had company in the shower
Anyway, I got to the hotel rather late that evening and all I wanted to do is get to bed and count accountants in my head to lull me to sleep.
I decided to have a shower first. The hotel bathroom had a bath tub for those who want to soak away their daily cares and a power shower in a fairly large glass cubicle with a sliding door through which you enter and then close behind you.
There I was under a warm torrent of water still thinking about work and the number of paper clips we will need over the next five years, and whether Scrooge the accountant will provide us with the necessary funds; when suddenly I realised there was someone else in the shower with me.
I turned round and there ... about two feet away ... was the largest wasp, or yellow jacket, or bumblebee, you could ever imagine. It was a real monster, flying left and right and up and down at the other end of the cubicle just by the sliding door. I did not know where it came from but there it was, just two feet or so away.
I was effectively imprisoned in the glass cubicle by this buzzing enemy flying all over the place and eyeing me carefully before choosing where to attack.
I panicked as I froze there imagining all sorts of terrible things happening to me. Despite the warm water flowing all over me a very cold "frisson" went up and down my back several times. (It was a French chain hotel - hence the word "frisson". I can be classy even when in a panic).
My first instinctive reaction was to cover my masculinity with my hands. That's the last place you want a wasp to sting you, I tell you. Not that I have a favourite place for a sting, I may add.
At first I was afraid ... then I was petrified! (Classy as well as musical, you see). My brain went into an overdrive of terror as I imagined what the pain would be like to be stung in the delicates.
And what would I do next? I asked myself.
How would I explain to the receptionist and the nurse at the Hospital Emergency Room that I had been stung in the privates by a yellow jacket?
What if they asked me what was a yellow jacket doing inside my trousers? What do I say next?
If I told them I was naked at the time they'd probably think I'm a nudist attending one of those outdoor Nudist Camps where people go to air their differences. They'd think I probably deserved all I got for wandering around nude as if I was in Paradise.
What if the story got out in the papers and the news media? Can you imagine the headlines: Man stung privately in hotel room.
And how would I get to the hospital in the first place? My secretary, Miss Sullivan, who is in the hotel room next door would have to drive me there. And she is the company First-Aider too! She would want to give me assistance first before taking me to hospital.
I would never live this down back at work. And Scrooge the accountant would really enjoy spreading the story round and embellishing it with his warped sense of humour.
It's amazing how your mind works when you are really in a panic and the wasp is still flying up and down and sideways only feet away.
And this is when I did something really stupid ... really really stupid.
I took off the shower head from its holder up high, turned the temperature of the water to maximum heat, and aimed the high-powered jet of water at the flying monster.
This irritated it so much that it now flew in all directions very fast and making threatening buzzing noises. It came towards me several times and was met by another jet of water without great success. The flying devil was intent on getting revenge.
It stopped flying for a while and sat there at the far edge of the cubicle cleaning its wings with its legs. I could see its yellow body and the sting in its tail ready for action. Perhaps it was calling for re-inforcement and pretty soon the cubicle would be full with a swarm of flying devils.
I stood there holding the shower head in both hands, my heart pounding inside my chest like a beating drum signalling retreat. I could not go back any further. Once or twice I reversed and was prodded in the backside by the hot shower controls on the wall behind me.
The threatening monster stopped preening itself and started flying again left and right and up and down buzzing noisily to distract my attention. A few times it flew towards me a little and retreated when met by a hot power jet of water.
At one point it flew right down to my feet and made a fast and upward ascent towards my now uncovered and totally undefended delicate bits.
That's it! The moment I'd been dreading ...
I reversed a little until my bottom signalled there's no where else to retreat.
As a reflex reaction to the fast approaching enemy I aimed the water jet just where it was heading and scalded my private bits almost to extinction as the wasp flew away laughing its head off.
The pain was literally out of this world !!!
The wasp made a second fly past at head height this time. In order to avoid it I moved my head sideways so violently that I crashed it against the glass partition on my side. The re-inforced glass did not break but I must have lost consciousness for a split-second or two because I dropped the shower head on the floor and burnt my feet in the boiling water in the process.
I hopped from foot to foot to avoid the hot water and bent down quickly to retrieve my water weapon.
Had I lost consciousness I would have offered the enemy undefended opportunity to sting me where it wants; and no doubt time to take selfie-photos in the process for it to post on social media.
But luckily I managed to bend down and retrieve the shower head quickly and prepare for further attacks.
The cubicle was now filling up with steam and I could hardly see the flying enemy or its flight trajectory. I could hear it at the far end of the cubicle; and then I saw it flying out from the gap between the top of the cubicle and the ceiling.
I got out quickly from my prison and proceeded to get dressed in such a hurry that I put on my underpants back to front. But that was a small matter of concern compared to the after effects of the scalding I'd received.
I searched everywhere but the wasp was no where to be seen.