I often write about humorous situations which happened to me which I suspect amuse you no end at my expense.
This time however it is different. This is a very serious and true story.
I was yesterday evening abducted by aliens. It happened just like in all the stories you hear and read about alien abductions. Usually you don’t believe such stories and you suspect they’re all made up. Well. For me reality actually happened. I saw a UFO and I was abducted by its occupants.
I can imagine a few of you sniggering already, but I wish you wouldn’t, because I have not quite recovered from this horrendous and frightening experience.
I was out in our garden at about midnight, having finished viewing a movie on TV, and I was there counting the stars as I usually do whilst the dog does his last business for the night.
I had counted up to 976 when suddenly; out of nowhere, there was this huge cigar shaped thing up in the sky, about 30 or so feet above me.
It was glowing red at first, then an orangey colour, then it turned green, and then after a while it turned red again. It took me a while before I realized it was the reflection of the traffic lights nearby.
The dog didn’t seem to have seen it and continued sniffing around as he often does.
Then a little white aperture appeared on the underside of the cigar; like some door opening. Then a light from the aperture shone on me, like the spotlight you get in the theatre when it shines on a performer on stage.
I was very frightened and I must have cried a little because tears ran down my legs.
I felt myself rise up from the ground, as if I was being lifted gently by my whole body. Not like having a belt tied to your waist or a harness on your chest and shoulders; there seemed no upward lifting pressure on my body whatsoever. I was just floating gently upwards.
It lasted a few seconds and then I was inside this large room with bright lights everywhere.
I was led gently towards a large bed by two humanoid shapes. They must have been females because they had well developed chests.
I moved along, almost gliding, with them and next thing I was tied by these big metal clamps to the bed. Clamps round my arms, wrists, legs, waist, chest and neck. I could not move and a bright light shone above me.
They placed a metallic helmet with lights going on and off and a lot of wires and tubes attached to it on my head.
“Let’s test for signs of intelligence” said a voice which sounded knowledgeable and authoritative.
The process took a second or two and then the lights above me went out and the clamps set me free.
Everyone left what must have been an operating theatre or lab and I was alone with just one individual.
“Hello” he said, “I am Captain Fragment. The Captain of this ship. We have just studied you and analysed every biological, physical, mental, emotional, psychological and every other possible detail about you. Now would you like a tour of the spaceship?”
It wasn’t long in my tour when I realised that whenever things went wrong or a little difficult Captain Fragment always fell to pieces and burst out crying uncontrollably. This was somewhat disconcerting for the crew who relied on strong leadership, decisiveness and courage to thrust them ahead to new frontiers where no man had ever gone before.
Soon enough one of the crew announced that there was a vortex up ahead, leading to a black hole with a singularity several times stronger than the ship’s warp drive engine could withstand before imploding on itself.
"We're done for Captain!” said a crew member, “We'll be crushed like a nut in a ... in a ... whatever crushes nuts!"
It was then I noticed Captain Fragment begin to sniffle as he pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket and raised it to his eyes.
"Number One ... You have the bridge!" he said mumbling in his handkerchief as he left for his Ready Room.
I never understood why he called the other man Number One. I looked at his uniform and noted that the badge on his chest said "Happy Birthday - Now you're 1".
"How long before impact?" Number 1 asked an anaemic faced android who knew everything there is to know in the whole universe except how to boil an egg.
"There is no such thing as impact, Commander", replied the android, "technically speaking we are due to get drawn in at great speed inside the vortex and go round and round several times before we travel through the black hole to our eventual destiny at the other side. It is a bit like going down the bath tub hole when you empty your bath and the water goes round and round and ..."
"I get the idea ..." interrupted Number 1, "how long before all this happens?"
"I estimate it will be three hours, twenty minutes and thirteen seconds, Sir!" replied the android, "Give or take an hour or so either way depending on which way the wind is blowing!"
Then suddenly, just as he was talking, the threatening vortex vanished from the big screen in front of us. All was normal again.
Captain Fragment came out of his Ready Room with a cup of Darjeeling tea in his hand and suggested we take some souvenir photos together with him and the crew.
“You’ll be able to show these to your leaders,” he said. “You humans never believe that we exist unless you have well developed photos to prove it. Well this time you’ll have all the proof you need.”
We said our goodbyes and the next thing I was in my garden and the cigar shaped space ship disappeared.
I rushed to the authorities and told them what happened. They did not believe me.
I pulled out the photos out of my pocket. Those clever aliens had magically turned them into square pieces of toilet paper.
I have a sneaking suspicion that you don’t believe me either!