Monday, 28 September 2015

That's life round the hood ...

My neighbour Jeremy has had 38 concussions in a matter of a week or so. He only lives a stone's throw away.

He is normally a well balanced man. He has a chip on each shoulder.

He often complains that his bad luck in life is due to his continuous bad health. He is such a hypochondriac that he has bought his burial plot next to a doctor's.

He used to work for the police force. His job was to trace in chalk on the ground around a body when it is found in unexplained circumstances. He was fired from the job when one day he traced round a body 25 times. He did not realise the victim was still alive and moving!

He used to jog daily to keep fit. He ran at least four miles a day. By the end of the week he'd reach the next town.

His wife on the other hand is ... very tall with long black hair going down her back. None on her head, just down her back.

She is so frightening that every time my cat sees her he loses one of his nine lives. So frightening in fact that she looks like a scarecrow. The birds have returned all the seeds they took the previous year.

The poor woman had botox surgery on her face. When they told her how much it cost she was not at all surprised.

She used to work as a typist and met a lot of interesting characters. For lunch she used to have alphabet soup.

Her great uncle died suddenly and they did not have time to say goodbye. He collapsed onto a bowl of Cheerios

Jeremy and her had a young son who left home to be a mime artist. They haven't heard from him since.

When their daughter announced that she was pregnant they asked her "Are you sure it's yours?"

The other night my neighbour Jeremy phoned me at three in the morning. Can you imagine that? At three in the morning! Luckily I was up practicing on my bagpipes.

In conversation, he complained that our dog is out in the garden barking. The following night I rang him at three in the morning and told him it was not our dog!

A few weeks back Jeremy complained that he was allergic to his cat's fur. So he gave him away to a friend and got himself another cat.

He went to the doctor to check on his allergy. As soon as he got in the doctor's office he asked him to lie down on the couch. Jeremy asked why and the doctor said he wanted to vacuum clean just where he was standing.

To test for allergy the doctor put various liquids on Jeremy's arm and wrote next to them what they were derived from - like house dust, animal fur and so on, to see which liquid would cause a reaction with the skin. Turned out Jeremy was allergic to the ink in the pen the doctor used.

When they discovered what he was allergic of, Jeremy had relief written all over him. The kids did it with the same pen the doctor used.

To celebrate he bought a dog, which appears to be just as stupid as you can get. To relieve himself he lifts his front leg and wonders why he is getting wet.

It's a breed I'd never heard of before. He is a pointer. He stands there and points "This is a house. A car. A bicycle ..." and so on.

And that's life in our hood.

8 comments:

  1. You should be a stand up comedian as a side line, Victor!
    Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know what they say Lulu. Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery. You posts about the hood are so good that I thought I'd try to imitate you.

      Thank you for the inspiration.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  2. Clean jokes are the best! I laughed all the way through yours. Here's one to top it off and hope you get a giggle too:

    This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

    He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

    "Yep," the mutt replies.

    "So, what's your story?"

    The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."

    The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

    The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

    From: http://www.emmitsburg.net/humor/archives/clean/clean_12.htm

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What abrilliant joke, Sparky. Thank you. And thanx also for the link which I'm sure our readers will enjoy too.

      I love your sense of humour.

      God bless.

      Delete
  3. LOL, I particularly liked this one: "His wife on the other hand is ... very tall with long black hair going down her back. None on her head, just down her back."

    Hey, I hope you and your readers stop by my post on my experience attending the Papal Mass in NYC. It was quite an experience. Here:
    http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/2015/09/the-papal-mass-christ-in-city.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She really is tall, Manny. And you should see her long black hair ...

      Over to your Blog right now.

      God bless.

      Delete
  4. I haven't even finished reading this post yet and I am LITERALLY crying laughing! LOL!!!!! Oh my gosh, so blessed to visit with you today! THANK YOU for this! LOL!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's good to laugh Tai. I'm so glad you're enjoying my writing.

      God bless.

      Delete

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