Sunday, 18 October 2015

Family Branches

My grandfather finally achieved his life-long ambition to be a lion-whisperer; just moments before he died.

My other grandfather was very lazy and worked on a farm. He was fired for killing a snail which followed him all day long.

My other grandfather invented a compass which always pointed in the opposite direction he was travelling. He did not know whether he was coming or going. He also invented a luminous sundial so he could tell the time at night. His sundial watch did not catch on though ... except on his sleeves as he put his shirts on.

My other grandfather was abandoned by his family so he joined ours. He could not keep his nose out of peoples' private business. He was on security duty in a nudist camp; where people go to air their differences. He was a boxer. The rest of his family were Dalmatians.

My other grandfather ... or was it my uncle? My uncle went for three weeks on a dog food diet. It eventually landed him in hospital. He stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and was hit by a car.

My other uncle did not have a peaceful death lying quietly in his bed. Instead he was surrounded by shouting and screaming people as he drove the bus over a cliff.

My auntie ... my auntie told her parents that she was pregnant. They told her to deny that the baby was hers.

My other uncle ... we were a big family. My other uncle used to work as an elevator attendant in a department store. His life had its ups and downs. He also suffered a lot from flatulence. I think farting in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

My other uncle ... he died at work in a warehouse suddenly without saying goodbye. He was hit on the head by a falling crate of Cheerios.

My cousins ... all of them my distant cousins. They all moved to Australia to be as far away from me as possible.

One of my cousins ... well, he still lives next door. He inherited my grandfather's compass. We call him Boomerang. Every time we send him to Australia he comes back. Whenever he goes out shopping we move house. But he still manages to find us.

He is such a miser that he would not spend any money at all if he could possibly help it. He is always coming round to borrow the mother-in-law's false teeth.
The mother-in-law ... well she came as part of the deal. When I married it was a buy one get one free offer at her family. 

I can always tell when she's home because she leaves her broomstick in the porch. I've tried putting it in the trash can but it keeps flying out and resting out of reach on the chimney. 

I thought of putting the broomstick in the trash can and then placing something heavy on the lid to stop it getting out; but my mother-in-law refuses to sit there until collection day on Wednesday.

My other grandfather ... I'd forgotten about him. He doesn't believe in modern technology and all that. He is on Twitter but does not tweet. It is his way of playing truant. 

He is on Facebook too but has no followers whatsoever. So he's taken to walking down the street and making inane statements about himself of no more than 180 characters or so; as they do on Twitter and Facebook. Every so often he says: "My shoes hurt!" "I need a haircut." "My trousers itch in unusual places." 

At first these occasional utterances astounded those around him. But now he has three followers - all wearing white coats.

My grandmother ... forgot about her. My grandmother swallowed a fly. Then she swallowed a spider. Eventually she got prosecuted by the Animal Welfare People for cruelty to animals.

My other grandmother used to live in a tree. She said she liked to imitate birds. She ate worms.

My other grandmother had tattoos on her fingers just by the knuckles. On one hand she had tattooed the letters L - O - V - E and on the other hand she had tattooed the letters H - A - T. 

She ran out of money before finishing the tattoos. If only ... we too ran out of money every time we started to hate!

She was so thin and bonney she had liposuction to put some fat in. It was done at the sausage factory.

Another of my cousins, however, had lost a lot of weight and as a result he had a lot of loose skin; especially in the chest and tummy area. He went for surgery and they pulled up his skin upwards, ever so upwards, and stretched it tightly until all his loose skin was tied into a knot and hidden behind his neck. He looked perfectly well except that his belly button (navel) was now on his forehead. He also had a very unusual tie.

My other cousin always plays tennis whilst wearing a motorcyclist's helmet in case he gets hit in the face by the ball. He got hit in the groin instead. Now he wears two motorcyclist's helmets.

My other cousin is a scientist. He was fired from his job in the Research Lab for inventing instant laxative. He was not flushed with success. 

My other other cousin is a lawyer. I won't say a thing about him!

My other distant cousin three times removed ... keeps coming back! He performs keyhole surgery at the local locksmith. His patients refuse to have a door placed on them as they lay on the operating table.

My other other cousin always wears dresses in public, especially whilst shopping and when attending church. She's a woman, so what do you expect? Are you suggesting there's something weird about my family? I'll have you know we're all perfectly normal; for around here.

As for me ... well, I am perfect as you all already know. 

Thank you for your attention. God bless.

18 comments:

  1. What a family, huh. Gotta watch out for sniffing poodle butts. That can be dangerous. And we must have the same Monster-In-Law. She's a 'witch' too but spelling is not my strong point. (Get it ... witch ...) *lol* She was even born on Halloween. That should have been the first clue right there.
    Hope your day is blessed. ~:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Sparky,

      I know what you mean by MIL. At least we can laugh, and that's good.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  2. This is so funny, Victor!! And the pictures they painted in my head! Hilarious!

    Is it wrong for me to be glad that your family lives in the UK and Australia? Lol. We already have plenty of "unusual" people over here. Including the ones that commit those wrongs "on so many levels". I learned this the hard way on an elevator at Disneyland. Maybe your uncle worked here for a bit?

    Loved the Twitter, Facebook comment! You are right on target there! Or at least your 8th grandfather is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this post with many facets of my family. As my other grandfather used to say; "Laughter is good for you. It releases dolphins within us which tickle us from inside and makes us feel better!"

      God bless you, Mary.

      Delete
  3. This smacks of familiarity, Victor.

    That is all I have to say-

    Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope it made you smile, Lulu.

      God bless.

      Delete
  4. Hi Victor! You have a very large family, and an incredible amount of grandparents. Wow!
    You have such an inventive mind my friend, and what a great sense of humor! We all need that to keep our sanity, don't you think? Thanks for sharing your family insights and stories, makes me glad that mine is not-so-exciting. That might be okay!
    Blessings,
    Ceil

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As you say, Ceil, a sense of humour is certainly needed these days to keep one's sanity. As my other grandfather, or uncle, used to say ...

      God bless you.

      Delete
  5. Yep ... there's one in every family, isn't there.

    And in some cases, multiples!

    ;-}

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So true Linda. In my case multiples ...

      God bless.

      Delete
  6. __I have the same type compass_!
    __When following that timeworn phrase... " Go west young (old) man, go west"... I quickly get my feet wet in that Cape Cod Bay_!

    contrary compass
    the sun rises in the west
    politics

    _m

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice to see you visiting here Magyar. Thank you.

      Why does the sun rise from the East, so they say. If you're standing somewhere in the UK and you face down on the rest of Europe or Africa; you'll find the sun rising from your left hand side - the West.

      God bless.

      Delete
    2. Thanks, a full 360 Victor_!

      when I travel
      three hundred sixty degrees
      I bump into me.

      __East / West matters little, we all stop where we began: 001 degrees.

      Smiles_! _m

      Delete
    3. Aha ... this set me thinking Magyar. Doesn't happen often, but now I am thinking. If we go round on ourselves whilst standing still; a full circle like. Are we back at 001 Degrees or is it Zero?

      They say a full circle is 360 Degrees. But surely where we start must be either Zero or 360.

      Anyway, why is a full circle 360 Degrees? Why not 365? or 350? Or better still a simple 100 Degrees? Why do we make life difficult for pupils at school?

      And why is a day 24 hours and not 25, or 100? And a week 10 days instead of 7? And 10 months instead of 12? You see ... we just make life too complicated. As if it is not already difficult enough to get the last bit of ketchup out of a tomato ketchup bottle!

      God bless.

      Delete
  7. LOL!!!! This was hilarious! Your family sounds like some of my family. Hahaha!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's good to laugh Tai. I'm glad you joined us here for a good smile.

      God bless you and your family.

      Delete
  8. I liked the grandfather who ate the dog food. ;)

    Hey I finished your book, Feline Catastrophy. Was that what it was called? It was very good. I'll have to post something on my blog about it. I'll let you know when I do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Manny. I'm glad you enjoyed Feline Catastrophes. Hope you enjoy the other FREE books too.

      Thanx for a mention on your Blog and Amazon Customer Reviews.

      God bless.

      Delete

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