Monday, 16 November 2015

Missing Without A Trace



I’ve been missing for three days. Without a trace. No one knew I was missing … except me of course. I suspect none of you noticed my absence.

A few days ago the family decided to take Aunt Gertrude down South to visit friends leaving me at home alone with the dog, the cat and the goldfish. Oh bliss … a whole three days without Auntie's Australian accent grating on my nerves. Without a family demanding this and that and volunteering me for all sorts of things.

As long as I can keep the pets well fed I’ll have a peaceful break all to myself. Although at times the goldfish can be quite noisy when they chatter and laugh at me from their fishtank.

Let me explain that we live in a very old Victorian house which has a cellar spanning the whole floor area of the property. You enter the cellar from a door just under the staircase.

We don’t use this basement often, it’s mostly a storage area nowadays where we keep half a dozen bottles of wine lying lazily on a shelf which I built myself … slightly leaning to one side mind you … but still OK if you wedge a book at the end and it stops the bottles from rolling off.

We also keep some foodstuff down there, mostly tins of soup, various tins of vegetables and fruits and other household goods like detergents, washing liquids and so on. And books, plenty of books. I built a few more shelves in one corner which I call the library and we've put a number of books which we refer to every now and then. You get the idea … it's just a storage area for things we use now and then.

The basement used to be a small apartment for a servant or butler in years gone by … it has a small kitchenette and bathroom still fully plumbed in and in working order, and a tiny living/sleeping area. Originally I wanted to send our guest from Australia, Aunt Gertrude, down there; but I was over-ruled, as often happens in our houshold, much to the amusement of the goldfish.

Now where was I? In the basement … or about to enter the basement to be precise. I needed a book about Australian parasites so off I went downstairs as one would in such circumstances. 

As I got to the corner where the books are, there was an almighty crash in the house as the dog started chasing the cat who followed me down in the basement. 

The dog … huge as he is … did not quite fit in under the staircase where the basement door is situated, but his immense stature slammed the door shut. That’s when I heard a clunk … clunk … clunk … sound all the way down the stairs and at my feet.

Perhaps I should have mentioned that the door handle has always been a little loose. I’ve always planned to fix it … Lord knows I’ve been told often enough … but with that and the leaning shelves it was all a question of priorities. Which one to fix first … and neither was done!

I picked up the door handle and tried to open the door. No use … it would not work. And that’s how I went missing without a trace in my own house.

No one knew I was there. No use shouting for help. No one would hear me. No point in phoning for help. I didn’t have the cell-phone with me.

Try as I might to open the door but it was all in vain. An hour or so later I heard the phone ring in the house and the loudspeaker on the answering machine said “Hello … we’ve arrived safely … Oh … you must be out. See you when we return. Have fun. Bye!”

Great … what a prospect. Trapped in my own house for three whole days.

Now it is said that in such circumstances of extreme trauma one should sit down calmly, take deep breaths and concentrate. No need to panic.

Calm down and concentrate.

And nothing aids concentration more than a drop or two of wine.

Fortunately we have plenty of that here. Or beer if one prefers … which is also easily to hand.

After an hour or so of concentration I still had no idea on how to get out of my prison.

My mind was getting a little hazy … perhaps it’s the lack of air down here. There’s a small window at the far end of the basement leading to the back garden of the house. It’s at ground level when you’re out in the garden … if you see what I mean. It’s too small to get out of; and it is barred anyway. 

Let's take another drink and concentrate.

Now then … if I could get the cat out of the window he could go for help! (Hic ... pardon me ... hiccup!)

I could tie a message to his collar! No that won’t do … he doesn’t wear a collar. Too dangerous you see, he could get caught on a tree branch and injure himself. So we’ve never put a collar on him. Perhaps I could go out and buy him a collar. Ooops ... I can't get out ... hic!

Perhaps I could tattoo a distress message on his body … a bit extreme I must say! It’ll stay with him for life. “HELP … I’m trapped in the basement!”

The problem is I have no tattooing equipment whatsoever down here, and I’ve never tattooed anyone in my life let alone a cat.

What if I cut a message in his fur with scissors? Like some people do with their hairstyle when they cut their hair in different patterns? Would the cat stay still long enough until I finish cutting his fur I wonder?

I think I need another drink … hic!

Ah … I got it. This is certain to work. I could empty all these tins of peas … well some of them anyway … no one likes peas. I could tie them to one another with a long string and tie that to the cat’s tail.

He’d make such a noise running all over town that someone is sure to find him and read my message which will be written on one of the tins.

I emptied about a dozen tins. Peas taste awful when eaten cold you know … even washed down with beer. 

I tied the tins together. Wrote a message on several tins to make sure it is read. 

I called the cat sleeping happily in the corner. I tripped on the Australian book lying on the floor. The cat suddenly got up and shot out through the window.

Typical of that cat … un-cooperative to the last. He just would not help me in my hour of need.

I was found fast asleep three days later when the family returned home. And you didn't even miss me.

More stories about my cat in my FREE E Book  
"FELINE CATASTROPHES"

12 comments:

  1. WELL now, Victor, I did miss you. Almost emailed last night to see if things were alright. Then I changed my mind, but it wouldn't have helped anyway since obviously you did not have your computer with you and could not get my email. And there I would have been in the pit of despair over your rejection!

    GET RID OF THE USELESS CAT!

    Funny as always, Friend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lulu,

      Thanx for missing me. But why did you not come and rescue me from the cellar? True, I did not have my computer with me; but you could have opened the door from your side.

      And for the record, I would NEVER reject you.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  2. Hi Victor! I have a deathly fear of old, dark basements. I would have FREAKED OUT down there. You wouldn't have had a drop of wine left, let me tell you. Thank goodness you had running water and a bed at least. What a sight you must have been when you were found by your family!

    You certainly do come up with interesting adventures. Your family must laugh all the time. How blessed they are to have you around!
    Happy Monday :)
    Ceil

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Ceil,

      Wine and cold peas from a can do not mix. Beer is OK, I suppose.

      Great to see you visiting again. Thank you.

      God bless.

      Delete
  3. Since there's beer in the basement, I would be just fine ... as long as there is a loo. That's one thing about beer, it doesn't stop to change color.

    Now you know why I always say, all cats are evil. *giggle*

    Hope your day is blessed. ~:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, there's a loo. Plenty of beer too.
      Cans of peas, books and wine.
      As well as a cat that was mine.

      Lots of help he was when I needed him.

      God bless.

      Delete
  4. Oh my goodness! What a crazy experience! This is when a chip embedded in us (our personal GPS for Big Brother to know where we always are) might be ok!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think my GPS chip is a little faulty judging from the crazy experiences I experience.

      It's great to see you visiting here Lynn. We hope you return soon and browse around our Blog.

      God bless.

      Delete
  5. Welcome back from your great adventure!

    ;-}

    ReplyDelete
  6. I would call this a "vacation" :)

    Thanks for the laughs, and God Bless you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it was a vacation of sorts. But I had no TV so no football.

      God bless you, Michael.

      Delete

I PRAY FOR ALL WHO COMMENT HERE.

God bless you.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...