Wednesday, 2 December 2015

An impromptu séance

Something really unusual happened to me the other day. It was totally unvoluntary and I did not know it was going to happen.

I was visiting friends at a party and as we were all enjoying a chat and a few drinks and something to eat, the hostess suggested that we all sit down because she had a special surprise for us all. Apparently she had invited a clairvoyant that evening, who incidentally arrived a little late due to unforeseen circumstances. But that aside, we were asked to sit down and the clairvoyant woman, who wore glasses by the way, took the stage and started talking.

There was no question of sitting in a circle, holding hands with all lights out. No this séance was different. We all sat there in cinema style and she started talking.

She closed her eyes, (what's the use of the glasses, I thought), and swayed from left to right a little as she stood there. She then said,

"I am getting a message from the other side ..."

There were a few murmurs around the room.

"I can see him clearly ..." she continued, "He died only two weeks ago but he wants someone here to know that he is very happy. I can see him waggling his extremity and sniffing someone's privates!"

At this the whole room spontaneously and in unison went "Aaahhh !" in disbelief at what she had just said. But she continued unperturbed, "Rest assured, whoever you are, that your little dog is very happy in dog's heaven!

"Does anyone here have a dog, or had a dog, which died recently?"

A woman raised her hand and started sniffing a tear or two in her handkerchief. Her dog had just died and she was relieved that he was now OK and happy with his new lady doggie friend.

The clairvoyant then went on to relate how the dead dog was grateful for the happy life he had enjoyed with his owner when alive. How he liked to go for walks and loved the food which she served him every day. It was all general type of commentary which you would attribute to any dog regardless of who owned it; but this lady whilst weeping silently was so relieved to hear of the well-being of her dear departed pooch.

As the evening wore on, it transpired that this lady excelled at contacting dead animals from the other side. I was quite impressed, especially considering I have great difficulty communicating with my dog and cat who are alive and well; and here we have someone who can communicate with those who are as stiff as a wooden board. The thought passed my mind, when I say to my dog "Go to bed!" he looks at me with a stupid face as if to ask "Who is Ted?" How could he possibly communicate with this fraud of a woman if he were dead?

Her next message from the beyond was, believe it or not, from a cow. She said that although her body was dead and had been enjoyed by many a Sunday roast, her spirit roamed freely in a beautiful meadow sun-bathed by a warm and cloudless sky. Unsurprisingly, no one in the room owned up to having had a cow; perhaps there were no farmers there. The clairvoyant explained that sometimes she got messages even if there was no one in the audience for whom it was meant. A crossed telephone line, maybe!

She then moved to more familiar territory and said she received a message from a parrot. She could not make out what it was, but it was a little repetitive!

She then mentioned a dearly departed goldfish. The message was that it was not having an epileptic fit but that it was out of water at the moment and gasping for breath because a sea gull had just picked him up from the river where it was swimming. The clairvoyant then stopped as she noticed one of the guests getting distressed; presumably the owner of the dead fish. The clairvoyant continued,

"Aha ... good news. The sea gull realised that she is in animal heaven so she dropped the goldfish back in the river."

Everybody applauded in delight, whilst I downed yet another whisky. I prefer my spirits to come in bottles and not speak to me through a mentally deranged woman.


  1. What I love most about British humor is the subtilty,
    "who incidentally arrived a little late due to unforeseen circumstances."

    OH VICTOR! Where DO you get these things!!
    Blessings, Friend!

    1. Oh Lulu, how glad I am when you smile at what I write. Thank you.

      God bless you always.

  2. Nice tale victor. Amusing as usual!

    1. I'm happy when people smile at my writing, Michael; or laugh!

      God bless you.

  3. I, too, would have to imbibe in a lot of bottled spirits to participate in something that ridiculous! As usual, your writings made me LOL.
    Hope your day is blessed. ~:)

    1. I was not expecting the seance, Sparky. Just attended an early Christmas party and there was this mad woman speaking to animals on the other side. Can you imagine me meeting my Sunday roast telling me off for eating it?

      God bless you Sparky.

  4. +1 on the spirits in bottles!

    1. Especially whisky, Michael. Or Drambuie - have you ever tried it? It's like having angels dancing on your tongue.

      God bless.



God bless you.

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