Monday, 25 January 2016

Quick One-Liners

RIDERE AD VITAM

As my regular readers will know, both of them, I often post humourous articles on here. They attract new readers world-wide who are looking for jokes, or something funny on their search engine. They are all welcome here, and hopefully, they will spend some time reading the more serious articles I post and get to know about Christ.

The source for my articles seem to be from nowhere. Sometimes, just out of the blue, some thoughts come into my mind for a story or a short joke or two. At other times it is just a one-liner funny thought that amuses me at the time and I have to remember it until it is convenient to write it down. Often the thoughts come so fast and quick that I have difficulty remembering them all. 

So I've decided to park all my recent thoughts here for now, and I shall be using them later on in some of my stories. Please promise not to read them otherwise you will have spoilt the joke should I use it later.

Mom ... mom ... I think I'm pregnant.
Are you sure the baby is yours?
***
What shall we call the baby?
We should call her after one of the grandparents. Either Denise or Clarissa.
But I don't like the name Denise. It's so old fashioned.
Yes, I agree. And Clarissa too, it is so not today.
Well ... what shall we call the baby then?
We'll call her Nana ... she'll grow into it.
***
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Grand-dad.
Quick ... Stop the funeral!
***
A man sitting in a library reads the births and deaths statistics. After a few minutes he whispers to the person next to him: “Do you realise, every time I breathe in and out someone dies”. The other man replies: “Try a better mouthwash”.
***
A woman was admitted to hospital with two burnt ears. Apparently she answered the phone whilst she was ironing. The doctor asked her how she burnt the second ear. She replied that it happened when she phoned for an ambulance.
***
The party was very successful and everyone was rather drunk. One of the guests approaches the hostess and slurs: “Do lemons have feathers?” She says no. “In that case I must have squeezed the canary in my drink”.
***
Postman: Is this letter for you sir? The name's obliterated.
Man: No, my name's Peterson. 

***
Mother: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt". 
 
Daughter: "What happened to the flea?"
***
A man takes his dog to the vet and asks "Have you got something to cure fleas?"

"That depends" says the vet, "what's wrong with the fleas?"
***
Hey don't bring the dog in the house; it's full of fleas.

Thanks for telling me. I wouldn't want to bring the dog in a house full of fleas!
*** 
Archaeologists make the best marriage partners. The older you get the more interested they are in you!
***
In a survey conducted in London 95% of respondents said "I don't know". They were asked "What is the meaning of  Je ne sais pas."
***
 A man was told by his doctor to avoid all dampness because of his arthritis. He now sits in the bath and vacuum cleans himself.
***
When I die, I hope to do so quietly in a bed surrounded by my loved ones. Not like my uncle. He died with a lot of people shouting and screaming all around him as he drove the bus over the hill.
***
My neighbour is such a hypochondriac when he dies they'll bury him next to a doctor.
***
 I went to see my doctor the other day. The poor man was ill, and it's nice to visit the sick, isn't it?
***
Whilst I was in hospital they took a full head to toe X ray of me. They showed me the photo. It was strange. I don't remember eating all those bones!
***
Binoculars is in the plural. The singular of binoculars is telescope.
***
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amos
Amos who? 
A mosquito
***
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna
Anna who?
Another mosquito
***
Knock Knock
OK ... who's there?
Werzie
Werzie? Werzie who?
Werzie heck all those mosquitoes coming from? 
***
 I took my first girl-friend to a French restaurant. She had frogs' legs. But the rest of her body was pretty.
***

17 comments:

  1. Thank you for all the laughs on a monday! God Bless you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Errr ... wait ... check that ... I mean, I didn't read anything here. Nothing at all. I'll just have to wait for them to appear in their appropriate post. (Speaking of, why did you post this blank page??)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good point, Michael. Problem with a blank page is that I would not be able to read my own jokes.

      God bless you my friend. Glad I made you smile.

      Delete
  3. Lots of smiles on my face, Victor! Love the ironing woman one and also the house full of fleas joke. Reminds me to proofread over and over again or you may put some of my sentences in a post. Stay happy, brother, and enjoy your week!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad you enjoyed my humour, Saleslady. Thank you for visiting me again.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  4. Very funny! Thanks for the smiles.
    Have a blessed day. ~:)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh Victor, plural for telescope---LOL!
    Blessings, Friend!

    ReplyDelete
  6. LOL, loved them. Here's one:

    A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

    And another:

    Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very good Manny. Especially the second one. Shall we get together as a double act? Like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rodgers.

      (Can you dance?)

      God bless you Manny. Keep smiling.

      Delete
    2. I can't dance. I've been told many times by my wife. :)

      Delete
  7. Uh-oh, I cheated and read them all! These were great, Victor!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad to see you visiting again, Mary. Thanx. It's good to laugh.

      God bless.

      Delete
  8. Oh, my! I needed this humor tonight! Thank you, Victor!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad I made you smile, Cheryl.

      God bless you and yours.

      Delete

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