Wednesday, 29 November 2017

Close Encounter of the Medical Kind


I went to hospital yesterday. It was a routine visit to check that I still had a sense of humour. At the waiting-room I took a ticket with a number on it from the dispenser and waited for my number to appear on the big screen overhead. Meanwhile I read some of the newspapers lying around. Terrible news about that ship called the Titanic sinking. There was no mention of it on the TV News but there it was as a headline in the newspapers.

Eventually my number came up and I entered the doctor's insulting room.

As soon as he saw me he asked, "Are you a private patient who will pay for treatment or are you on the Government's Free Treatment Scheme?"

I asked, "What's the difference?"

He said, "If you're on the Government Scheme I am allowed to insult you and hurt you!"

"Oh ... In that case I am a private patient," I said.

"OK ... sit down fish face!" he replied.

I was upset by what he called me and I protested, "I thought you would not insult me if I am private!" I exclaimed.

"I am allowed to insult you," he replied, "because I don't like you."

"But how about doctors having a good bedside manner and being kind and caring and sympathetic?" I asked.

"Oh that's all phooey!  Just nonsense to advertise the profession and attract new people to become doctors. In reality we doctors can do anything. From when we take the hypocritical oath we can miss-diagnose, give the wrong but more expensive treatment, or do unnecessary operations; and all our mistakes are buried six feet deep!"

I was astounded at his laissez-faire attitude, and he wasn't even French. I thought I'd better say nothing in case I made a faux-pas. 

"What seems to be the problem fish face?" he asked.

"I feel a bit run down."

"I'm sure the police will catch the driver who ran you down," he said. "When did it happen?"

"Oh ... yesterday evening, a mile up the road from here," I told him.

"Did you have a good look at the car which ran you down?" he asked.

"No," I said, "But I can tell you exactly which tires he had. He left an imprint all over my shirt!"

"Are these the clothes you were wearing at the time?" he asked looking me up and down.

"Yes, why do you ask?"

"Because I have found a piece of cloth exactly like the shirt you are wearing caught in my front car bumper!" he declared.

"That's a coincidence," I said, "you must have driven past a few minutes after my accident and the torn cloth from my shirt got caught in your car!"

"Yes ... that's probably what happened. What did you do after the accident?"

"I went home and watched the football on TV," I told him.

On hearing this he put his hands on his ears and shouted, "say no more ... say no more ... I have recorded the game and I have not watched it yet!"

"What about me feeling run down? What shall I do?" I asked him.

"I suggest you got home and destroy the shirt you are wearing," he advised, "and all will be well."

I got up and thanked him, and as a special favour he reduced my private patient's bill which came to £126.

12 comments:

  1. WHERE do this come from?? Laughing, Victor!
    Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lulu,

      I really, honestly, don't know where these posts come from. I was waiting at the hospital the other day and the post just wrote itself in my head. As soon as I rushed home I got on the computer and wrote.

      God bless.

      Delete
  2. Good Lord, Victor, I can't stop laughing!
    Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love the sound of laughter, Martha. Thank you for contributing.

      God bless you and yours.

      Delete
  3. I've been in / out of several hospitals the past week with loved ones. Victor.

    Ah ... to never have to return there. And once again, appreciating the blessing of decent medical care, yet the comfort of home sweet home.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know what you mean, Linda. People must be really ill to go to hospital.

      God bless.

      Delete
  4. Did you know we in the States would say your first sentence differently? British English says it as you said it, “I went to hospital.” Americans would say “I went to the hospital.” I find it odd that you British drop the article in front of hospital. Why is that?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never thought about that, Manny. And I really don't have an answer. We say "I went to school. I went to church. I went to town. And so on." Could it be that we don't use the article because here in the UK, being smaller than the USA, places are closer to each other. So we don't need the article to fill in the space between where we are now and where we are going to? Just ... thought!

      God bless you.

      Delete
    2. I have given your comment a second thought, Manny. I also notice that here in the UK our cars are much smaller than those seen on TV used in the USA. And again, I believe it is because here our country is much smaller. If we had big American cars then the front of the car would be in one town and the back in another town. So we won't need to drive between towns. We'd get in the back of the car and get out at the front. As it is, this is already happening with our trains. When I go to work I get in the back of the train in my town, walk all the way to the front, and I am already at the other town where my office is. And train fares are going up every year for this privilege of walking from one town to another inside the train.

      God bless.

      Delete
    3. I have just discussed this with my neighbour, Manny, who lives so close to us that he saw me typing through the open window. He explained that the reason why we drop the article is because, up to now, we in the UK are members of the European Union. Being part of Europe we have to have similar laws as in the rest of of the EU; and apparently, it is EU law that we do not use the article. It is part of savings being made to some financial budget or other and to account for inflation. I understand that we may also be asked in future to drop other words or letters from our grammar to make more savings - like dropping the "H" and say, "where's my 'at?" instead of "hat"; or "Come 'ere mate!" instead of "Come here".

      I understand that is why we in the UK voted to leave the EU last year. We got fed up with them telling us how to speak our own language.

      God bless.

      Delete

I PRAY FOR ALL WHO COMMENT HERE.

God bless you.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...