Tuesday, 26 December 2017

Christmas Presents

Hello everyone. I hope you have had a wonderful Christmas with your family and have enjoyed every minute of it. Christmas is such a wonderful time, isn't it? And it has so many treasured memories which we can draw on in years to come when we feel a little run down, or if we've sat on a hedgehog by mistake.

Personally, I think the best thing about Christmas is receiving presents. It's always the same each year. We all agree beforehand not to give each other presents, and every year, we all break the pact and give each other presents anyway.

This year, whilst making the usual pact with family members, I told them that, if they have to break the pact, at least get me edible presents. My motto in life is: If it is not edible it is not worth having.

So this year someone got me three potatoes, and someone else got me some broccoli. Funny thing the broccoli. Is it a small tree or is it a cauliflower without the leaves all around it?

I have never understood why God created broccoli. That, and wasps. Why did He create broccoli and wasps? And sneezing? Broccoli, wasps and sneezing. Why did God create them?

Do you know? If God instead of telling Adam and Eve not to eat the forbidden fruit, and instead told them not to eat broccoli; they would not have been tempted and there would have been no sin at all.

Can you imagine the snake telling them to eat broccoli?

And that's another thing. The story about the snake. What is that all about?

If I was naked in Paradise and suddenly met a snake I would immediately cover my tender parts in case he had a bite. And if the snake spoke to me I would most probably poop in my non-existing pants, rather than engage in conversation with him.

And one more thing. How did Adam and Eve know which bits to cover after they had sinned? Why did they not cover their elbows? Or feet or their heads?

Can you imagine if they had covered their heads, today we would all be going around naked with our underpants on our heads.

But let's get back to the subject of Christmas presents. I hope you got something you wished for. Share your gift stories with us.

This year, for some unknown reason, three people gave me exactly the same present.


 A book on how to keep silverfish as pets. Why three people had the same idea about gifting me this book I shall never know. And it is difficult to take away the wrapper and look surprised and gleeful saying: "How wonderful. Just what I've always wanted." when you've just opened a similar gift moments earlier.

Did you know that silverfish eat sugar and starch? Do you think I can feed them potatoes? I got some for Christmas you know.

Also, did you know that silverfish can be taught to walk in a single file if you play military music to them?

They live for two to eight years unless you hit them hard with your shoe.

Before silverfish reproduce, they carry out a complicated ritual which may last over half an hour without the need of a relaxing drink beforehand or soft music and lights in the background. First the male and female stand face to face, then repeatedly back off and return to this position. Imagine here Frank Sinatra singing "Strangers in the night ..."

 Strangers in the night
Exchanging glances
Wondering in the night
What were the chances
We'd be sharing love

In the second phase, the male runs away and the female chases him. Well that makes a change, I suppose.

In the third phase, Frank Sinatra stops singing and leaves the silverfish in some privacy together.

It's all true, I tell you. I have it all in triplicate in the books I received as Christmas presents. They are also heavy enough to drop on a silverfish from a height!

Now the next Christmas present I received is a bit of a delicate matter. If you are of a nervous disposition please stop reading now. You have been warned.

Some friends of ours thought it a good idea to get me for Christmas a container of V.I.Poo.

Now I don't know whether you have such a product available where you live, but it shows how sophisticated and vain we have become here in the UK. The product is advertised on TV and the magazines.

It is a container of some scented oil or liquid which you take with you when you go to the toilet. You spray a little on the surface of the water BEFORE you drop your solids in the toilet. The idea is that the bad smells will be trapped under the floating layer you have sprayed on the water and will be flushed away.

What made these demented friends buy me such a festive present? What kind of message are they sending me with their gift?

"Hi there. We saw this in the shops and thought of you, because you stink like a skunk. The last time you came to our house and went to the toilet your bad smell was such that it decimated the whole bird population in our garden and our tortoise has gone missing!"

I mean ... what would you expect my reaction to be as I unwrapped this present?

"How lovely. Just what I always wanted. I'll use it instead of my aftershave."

Actually, I shall use my spray as a mouth-freshener. This way my breath will smell good and it will take care of my poo odour from the inside!

So there you have it. My Christmas gifts from my so called friends and family.

Tell us ... what Christmas presents did you get?

8 comments:

  1. After reading this, Victor, I'm so glad that my husband, Danny, and I don't exchange gifts at Christmas (although you've given me some hilarious suggestions as what to give someone who already has everything they need/want). Can you return these items? Lol!
    Happy Day After Christmas!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Martha & Danny.

      I hope you had a wonderful Christmas.

      I agree, we don't need that many presents and thankfully, this year, we have limited ourselves to just one gift like a box of biscuits, or a bottle of mulled wine. The best present has been to gather together again as a family.

      God bless you always.

      Delete
  2. Victor, you are a study in loose association!
    Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lulu,

      Since writing this I have received yet another present. A pair of shoes. Each shoe is a different colour and size; and neither fit me. The person giving me this gift said they were reduced in price in the shop. They are good for killing silverfish.

      Happy New Year. God bless.

      Delete
  3. If the snake told Adam and Eve to eat broccoli, he would have drizzled some honey over it to entice them. Satan always finds a way.

    Merry Christmas!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never thought of that, Manny. Good point. I shall try honey next time we have broccoli.

      Best wishes for Christmas to you and yours. God bless.

      Delete
  4. Victor, your posts are a gift! Thank you for the laughs ... I never know where your posts are going to turn next! Your stream of consciousness is too quick for me! In any case, I enjoyed time with family this Christmas ... which is a wonderful gift I try not to take for granted. And of course, the gift of our Lord in the Eucharist at Mass.

    God Bless you and your family!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's so nice to see you visiting here again, Michael. Thank you. I hope you and your family are keeping well.

      I wish you and yours all the best for Christmas. God bless.

      Delete

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