Tuesday, 15 May 2018

Wot oh old boy! What?


A few days ago I spent the weekend in a superbly huge and luxuriously furnished stately home in England. I was the guest of the owner and gent who wanted me to help him write his memoirs for posteriority.

As soon as I arrived in a vintage Rolls Royce which my host had kindly sent to the railway station to pick me up I was met by the butler, Hugo Snob, who asked me to wait in the library where my host would join me.

At first I thought I had to get back into town and wait in the library there. But the butler, looking down his nose at me because he was very tall, took me to the library they had there in the stately home. A few moments later the housekeeper, Matilda Curtsy, brought in a trolley with refreshments of elderberry cordial drinks.

As is customary in such ample surroundings and the etiquette of the occasion I was kept there waiting for about twenty minutes or so. I was then joined by my host, Sir Ivor Status and his beautiful wife, Lady Eva Status-Too.

"Jolly good of you to join us, old boy!" Sir Ivor greeted me, "may I introduce my lady wife Eva ..."

We sat down to discuss the proposed book which I was to write about this man's life, when we were joined by other guests who had also been invited for the weekend, apparently, just to meet me. Or was it so that they might vet me as a suitable candidate to author such an illustrious publication.

In turn, the butler announced as they came in, the famous theatre actress Varicose Vain, who had the lead role in the London production of "The importance of being stupid".

She was followed by my host's step-sister, the beautiful professional lion whisperer who goes by the name of Claudia Armoff.

Then the famous impresario and musical producer Walter Dumnote wearing a monocle on his left eye.

And finally the famous French vegetarian and amateur detective Hair-Cool Carrot.

"Eet eez pronounced Carro ..." he corrected the butler, "you do not have ze T ... Hair-Cool Carro ... no T. Jamais ... Never 'ave the T".

Which explains perhaps why we only had coffee throughout the weekend.

Hair Cool had a waxed moustache and wore pince-nez reading spectacles. He always carried a walking stick, mostly out of habit rather than necessity. He waddled left and right when he walked in very small steps as if he had a coin wedged in his bottom.

Sir Ivor suggested that we get to know each other by relaxing in the wonderful gardens and that we would meet again for dinner later that evening.

To help me gain some background material for my book I made a point to mingle and get to speak to all those there that weekend; including the staff like the gardener Ernest Deadwood, the young maid Sheila Flirt, and the chauffeur Otter Gas.

It's amazing what one can learn about people by just listening and keeping one's conversation to the minimum. And it seems these upper-class and affluent people are not short of a skeleton or two in their cupboards.

Apparently, Sir Ivor was having a secret affair with the actress Varicose Vain whenever he visited London, and had seen the production of "The importance of being stupid" at least a dozen times.

At the same time he was also very friendly with the maid Sheila Flirt who was courting the chauffeur Otter Gas; who in turn had not told anyone that he was gay and preferred the confirmed bachelor and gardener Ernest Deadwood, who did not care for any one in particular because he was devoid of all prejudice and disliked everyone equally.

In turn, and unbeknown to anyone, Lady Eva Status-Too had had many a secret rendez-vous with the monocled impresario Walter Dumnote; and had often accompanied her husband to London only to feign a headache at the theatre and go visit Walter in his piano room.

The butler Hugo Snob had a weakness for wine and also for the housekeeper Matilda Curtsy and had bought her a couple of minks and ermine but the animals bit her fingers and she had to go to hospital where the poor creatures were treated for shock.

Sir Ivor's step-sister, the professional lion tamer Claudia Armoff, had a really hot passion for the  vegetarian and amateur French detective Hair-Cool Carrot, (pronounced Carro), whose darkened grey cells had not fore-warned him of her animal affections.

For too long she had held the notion of taming him with real red meat and share with him the delights of a steak tartare rather than a carrot with no tea. However, the hapless and clueless detective, with a penchant to walk like Charlie Chaplin and an affectation to refer to himself in the third person, had totally missed any advances, overt as they may be, from Claudia Armoff and her open arms of passion.

Now that you know the background information I have gathered about Sir Ivor Status and his family and friends, I need your advice about the book I am to write about him.

What should the title of the book be?

22 comments:

  1. Quite a collection of off people there. Those names had me laughing.
    Maybe you could write a book about their names.
    What's in a Name?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those were their real names, Happyone. True. Honest. Would I lie to you?

      There was even a tenor singer called Quentin Ravioli. He was from Scotland.

      http://timeforreflections.blogspot.co.uk/2017/09/quentin-ravioli.html

      God bless.

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. Yes it was like Downton Abbey, Christine; with Hair-Cool Carro (don't pronounce the T) also there.

      God bless.

      Delete
  3. A title? Well, now that I've picked myself up off the floor after laughing, how about: Status Quo?
    Blessings, Victor!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Status Quo is a brilliant title, Martha. Well done. Do you remember the band Status Quo from the 60s - you're probably too young!

      God bless.

      Delete
  4. Do you think Agatha would let you use the Mirror Cracked from Top to Bottom? Just a variation of course but I suspect you find a mystery there if you tried! Thank you for add in a lot of humor to my day! My very best. Would love to read this "biography!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You've reminded me, Cathy. I forgot to mention Miss Marple Syrup. She was there too. Perhaps I shall think up a few episodes including these characters.

      God bless you.

      Delete
    2. Not a bad idea. You can never have too much Christie!!!

      Delete
    3. Thank you for having faith in me.

      God bless.

      Delete
  5. You know how to make people laugh, Victor. I found this story very funny. Keep that imagination going and a title will just pop in to your head. :)

    "The Crazy Crew Meets Again" :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Bill for laughing with me. I'll try to write another episode using these charcaters and see how it goes. I like your title suggestion.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  6. Varicose Vain and the other monikers are hysterical! Do you often crack yourself up while writing?
    I've nothing witty to propose a title; but I do like Status Quo.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Mevely. Often when I re-read what I have written I cannot believe it is me who wrote it. The thing is, ideas often come flooding into my mind from nowhere, and I actually "see" the words in my mind rather than the scene as a film. So I have to write them down quickly before I forget them.

      So glad you enjoyed this story.

      God bless.

      Delete
  7. Sounds like an Agatha Christie novel. Will there be a murder? I say it's the butler and the body is behind the turnstile bookcase in the Library. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There is always a turnstile bookcase inb these old buildings. I guess they build the turnstile first then the rest of the building around it.

      God bless you, Manny.

      Delete
  8. The start of another of Victor's wonderful tales! LOVE those names!
    Blessings!

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    Replies
    1. Great to see you again, Lulu. Yes, hopefully more episodes of this story will follow.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  9. "elderberry cordial drinks"

    This post is so British I need some tea. Yeah, I know...I know! :)

    Varicose Vain...hehhe!

    I think you should get as far away from these people as possible!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Sandi,

      Please continue to visit here. There may well be a sequel to this story. Who knows what Varicose Vain would do next?

      God bless.

      Delete
  10. You never fail to make me laugh Victor! Those people sound like they should be in an episode of Doctor Who!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Regina,

      How nice to see you visiting me here again. Thank you.

      Right now, these people are in an episode of my life. Who knows what they will do next.

      God bless you.

      Delete

I PRAY FOR ALL WHO COMMENT HERE.

God bless you.

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