Friday, 6 July 2018

The Starship Underpants - Episode Four


Before we start this episode let me say that I had a meeting with my Literary Agent and he told me to stop repeating the joke about Ivor Spatial-Anomaly and "I can tell by the way you walk".

Apparently, my Agent's neighbour is called Ivor Rash, and he is upset about this joke. So, I won't repeat it again.

OK ... on with the story.

After the Outer-Terrestials, (dogs), left our Starship we received a message from Earth ordering us to go to the very edge of the solar system to investigate something or other. It was too complicated a message for me to understand. I have been told that as we pass close to the sun there is a real danger that we would be burnt to a cinder like a hot dog on a barbecue. The Captain has decided, however, that we will approach the sun at night when it is dark and a little cooler.

On the evening in question, I entered the bridge, (control room), and Captain Ivor Spatial-Anomaly moved towards his desk and said, "Walk this way!"

I replied, "If I had a spatial-anomaly I'd walk this way too!"

Hey ... I promised not to repeat the joke. Nothing about altering it a little for a cheap laugh.

He unrolled a map and said, "Why is it whenever we are asked to go somewhere by HQ it is always either on the fold of the map or at the very edge so we can't see it properly?"

"There is an unidentified flying object right ahead," said Calculus the robotic humanoid.

"Look in your A to Z picture book and identify it!" asked the Captain.

"Sorry Sir," said Calculus a few moments later after searching his A to Z database, "I still cannot identify the unidentified flying object".

"On screen ..." said the Captain.

And sure enough, a few yards ahead, there was a brown round object hovering into space and coming towards us.

"Stop the ship!" ordered the Captain, "magnify image ..."

We stopped just in time. We noticed the floating object was accompanied by other round floating objects. All brown. Similar shape, round and smooth, but different sizes.

"What can they be?" asked Number One.

"I am accessing my memory data banks, Sir" replied Calculus the robotic humanoid, "they look similar to other brown floating objects ..."

"There's hundreds and thousands of them," interrupted the Captain, "at least twenty of them!"

"Welcome to the Onion Nebula!" said a voice from one of the brown objects ahead.

"Onion?" asked the Captain.

"No Sir," corrected Calculus, "it is pronounced O nion ... just like Orion. We have reached the O nion Nebula it seems. These life forms are from Allium an O Class planet inhabited by various homogenically related life forms such as brown onions, red onions, green onions, spring onions, chives, leeks, garlic, shallots and ... that's your lot for now. I shall search my onion database for other species."

"Did you say an O Class planet?" asked the Captain, "What is that?"

"You know," explained Calculus, "it's like in your alphabet book. A for Apple, B for Banana, C for Celery and O for Onion; or O nion as they prefer to call this Nebula."

"Brown alert," commanded Number One our Commander, "shields up!"

"Why brown alert?" I asked.

"That's their colour," replied Number One, "I know them. They'll soon make us cry. Always happens to me when I am making a Bolognese sauce or slicing onions on my pizza!"

"That's true ..." agreed the Captain, "I’ve never wronged an onion; so why does it make me cry?"

"It's in their nature," said Number One, "there is no way of cutting or peeling an onion without crying."

"Actually there is ..." corrected Calculus who seemed to know everything there is to know, "if you cut an onion under water you will not cry. That is if you can hold your breath that long without drowning!"

"You are no longer welcome to the O nion Nebula," repeated the voice, "who are you?"

The Captain touched his left nipple and replied "Ivor Spatial-Anomaly."

"How big is it?" joked the Chief Onion who had a sharp sense of humour. 

"We seem to have lost our way," replied Number One, "we've been travelling for a long time and we don't know where we are."

"As I have just informed you," said the Chief Onion, "you are at the Onion Nebula, or O nion as your pale faced robot has advised you. If you move further forwards you will suffer great pain in the eyes. This nebula is full of acrid acidic oniony haze which will infiltrate your spaceship and make you cry! It is our way to defend ourselves from intruders. This whole nebula is full of onion haze! Part of our defence mechanism system. We do not trust you, humans!"

"Why not?" asked the Captain.

"Because you eat us!" was the blunt reply, "some of you claim to be vegetarians and do not eat animals, yet you eat us vegetables as if we had no feelings? Don't you think we feel pain when you cut us, chop us, mash us, boil us, bake us, fry us or even eat us raw?"

There followed a period of silence whilst the Captain thought about what to say next, and Number One thought about what the Captain would say next, whilst the Chief Onion did not seem to care about what either of them would say next. Calculus, our robotic humanoid, was first to speak.

"The mating habits of the crocodile are entirely different from those of the alligator," he said, "yet both appear to have tears in their eyes as they leave the water known colloquially as crocodile tears." 

The Captain and Number One looked at each other, whilst the Chief Onion looked at the other onions around him. No one spoke.

Calculus continued.

"By contrast, the mating habits of humans are entirely different. They involve the male of the species and the female of the species getting together and ..."

"Mr Calculus, what are you doing?" interrupted Number One.

"I am making non-important useless conversation, Commander," said Calculus, "I have observed that amongst humans there appears to be a need to make non-important conversation whenever a period of silence of approximately 35 seconds in time occurs. In order to break the silence, often, one or more individuals say something totally irrelevant as a way of relieving any stress that the period of silence might engender. This insignificant conversation could appertain to the weather more often than not, especially in Britain, on planet Earth. Or it could appertain to how busy one has been lately, or by way of salutation it could be in the form of an enquiry into the well-being of the other person. Albeit at times, the other person may well respond by outlining in details a series of ailments and maladies that they have suffered lately and what remedies have been prescribed by members of the medical profession, family members, friends, neighbours or even assimilated from old wives' tales with no scientifically proven origin or results!"

"This is not the time for small talk, Mr Calculus," said the Captain, "I suggest you count backwards from one million to zero very slowly ... and silently!"

"Could you direct us to safety please?" Number One asked the Chief Onion.

"I can send you well out of here," growled the Chief Onion, "you and your robotic friend with verbal diarrhoea. If you turn left over here, and travel non-stop for 23 hours, you will be one hour from Tulsa!"

"Tulsa?" asked the Captain, "Where is that?" 

"Do you know the way to San Jose?" asked the Chief Onion.

"No we don't," replied the Captain.

"Well, it is nowhere near it," said the Chief Onion.

"By Jove ... I am totally confused," exclaimed the Captain, "it's like being in Alice in Wonderland. Tulsa, San Hose, whatever next? Walking in Memphis, or taking a midnight spaceship to Georgia with that same place on my mind? Oh ... I do remember back on Earth. A friend in Indiana wants me. She was a Kentucky Woman who lived in Hotel California. And now, here I am. In mid-space with no more song names in my mind ... talking to an Onion from an O Class Planet in the O nion Nebula and I have a robot beside me counting backwards from one million to zero. It's the last straw, I tell you. The straw that broke the camel's back!"

"Sir," said Calculus who had finished counting down from one million, "are you aware that we have not any camels on the spaceship, therefore, by implication this metaphorical straw cannot possibly break a non-existing camel's back. Furthermore, the greatest concentration of camels on Earth is in fact in Australia and not as one would presume in ..."

"Enough ..." said the Captain, "Mr Calculus, I suggest you do not speak again unless spoken to!"

The Chief Onion heard this, despite him having no ears; unlike Corn which are in fact the only vegetables with ears of Corn, but that's another story in another galaxy in another timeline. 

Right now, the Chief Onion got very angry, burning hot one might say, and he shouted, "Look you ... you with the big spatial anomaly ... I have had enough with you and your spaceship. Your spatial anomaly appears to have made you rude even to your own people. I advise you to turn left here as I told you, and by the time you get to Phoenix you'll be far enough from me for any of us to care and we'll shed no tears about it. Crocodile ones or onion induced ones."  

We continued travelling as the Chief Onion directed and after 23 hours, past Tulsa, nowhere near San Jose nor Phoenix, past Luckenbach Texas, we went through the City of New Orleans, Galveston and having missed the last train to Clarksville we arrived in New York New York (we went there twice). Eventually, as we we turned left again Calculus announced "unidentified flying object ahead, Captain."

"Another one? On screen ..." said Sir Ivor, "Magnify ..."

(Subject to Tears on my Pillow allowing)


  1. LOL...that last made me think of that old song/saying: I have tears in my ears from lying on my back crying my heart out over you. Don't now why I though of that, but I did! Ha! Victor... your mind is an amazing thing!!

    1. Indeed, Terri, there are so many songs with tears in their titles. Like, "The dog tears my trousers!"

      God bless.

  2. Do you get many headaches Victor?
    Does your mind always work this way?
    Enquiring Minds Want to Know :)
    BTW... I also heard that their starship was seen over Chicago, Chicago that toddling town!!!

    Always entertaining! You are amazing Victor!!!

    1. The thing is, Jan, I don't get any headaches, but many backaches. I often get ideas out of nowhere in my head. I have to stop what I am doing and write them fast. Rather difficult when working up a ladder cutting tree branches, or cleaning windows, or generally looking at the horizon from a giraffe's viewpoint. I often fall off the ladder and hurt my back. Especially when the giraffe moves off.

      God bless.

  3. Your mind must be filled with interesting tidbits of information and words that allows you to be creative. :) Another entertaining and funny episode.
    Have a wonderful day Victor and thank you.

    1. Years ago, Bill, I kept a note book where I wrote any jokes, one-liners, and humourous stories I heard. I read it often to memorise it.

      I'm glad you enjoyed this story, Bill. God bless you.

  4. I would think like, if I were captain, I and the crew would be weary not teary-eyed. His directions are a bit 'soupy'...SUSPUCIOUS MINDS think alike...get out, follow your gut & blast away.

    1. That's right Anni. Who knows what they will fly into or meet next.

      God bless.

  5. Replies
    1. The O Nion Nebula is a new nebula discovered when an amateur astronomer greengrocer found it whilst making a salad.

      God bless you, Christine.

  6. By paragraph 3 I was chuckling … #'s 4 and 5 chortling aloud! So relieved to hear the 'brown floating objects' were merely onions!

    1. What else did you have in mind, Mevely? I never thought of that !!!!! Honest !!!!!

      God bless you, my friend.

  7. Using the songs was a stroke of genius, Victor! I laughed all the way through.

    1. It wasn't me. It was the Chief Onion, Martha.

      So glad you enjoyed this episode. God bless you and yours.

  8. Wonderful and a great way to start the day. Thank you Victor :)

    1. Glad you enjoyed this story, Denise. More to come soon.

      God bless.

  9. Onion Nebula … I like that.

    I think the illustration/picture is brilliant and the episode too.

    All the best Jan

    1. I'm so glad you enjoyed this episode, Jan. Thank you for your visit.

      God bless.



God bless you.