Tuesday, 3 July 2018

The Starship Underpants - Episode One

A STORY FOR THE YOUNG AT HEART

It was an hour since I boarded the Starship Underpants and spent all this time at the Medical Centre being put together again.

Let me explain.

I came up to the space ship from the surface using the transporting light beams which shine on one from above and somehow separates all the body molecules and puts them together again on the space ship.

Unfortunately, something went wrong with the putting together bit. Although my arms and legs were in the right place, somehow, the whole of my front had been raised up quite a few inches. My nipples were now next to my ears. My navel (belly-button) had been raised all the way up to my forehead. And I had a very unusual tie!

Doctor Penny C Lynn had finished putting the various bits in the right place when the crackling intercom speaker said, "VM to the bridge please!"

VM stands for 995 in Roman Numerals. This is my Identification Number on this spaceship.

The intercom crackled again, "VM to the bridge!"

"You're ready to go," said Doctor Penny.

"I'm on my way," I said touching my left nipple now in its rightful place.

On this ship, I noticed, they all touch their left nipples before responding to the intercom. Somehow, the nipple has been connected to the computer technology system and it saves having to pin a badge on your chest which can so easily fall and get lost when in a fight, or in the shower. This new technology ensures you are always in communication with the space ship by touching your nipple.

I arrived on the bridge, (that's where all the ship's controls are), and was met by the Captain. He held out his hand and introduced himself, "Ivor Spatial-Anomaly".

"I could tell by the way you walk," I replied shaking his hand.

"Have you been put together by the doctor?" he asked.

"Yes Sir," I replied, "what is our mission Captain?"

"To go boldly where no one has gone before!" he said without raising his eyes from the big monitor before him.

"You mean to boldly go ... Captain, surely!" I said.

"Don't call me Shirley," he replied, "and let me remind you, this is a British ship, and despite our crackling technology and our miss-placed bodily bits we are always grammatically correct. We say to go boldly. We never split the infinitive. We never split anything ... except for split peas? Do you like split pea soup VM?"

"Never tried it, Captain!" I replied.

"That's all we have here," he said, "that and Darjeeling tea ... cold ... Someone should fix those replicators.

"Come to think of it, someone should also fix the transporter beams. Every time we're transported from one place to another different bits of our bodies are moved to places where they shouldn't be. The other day I transported from the planet Uranus and I ended up with an extra mouth at the top of my head. Mind you, it came in useful. I put a cheese and cucumber sandwich under my hat and ate whilst at the controls of the ship. However, I did not like it when my ears were transplanted into my armpits. Every time someone spoke to me I had to raise my arms like a clucking chicken.

"On another occasion the transporter beams planted an extra ear on my forehead. I tell you, by then I had had enough of Space - it was the Final Front Ear!"

At this point another man entered the bridge through automatic sliding doors. He said, "Whooosh ..." as he came in.

I was somewhat astonished, but he explained, "usually, the doors make that sound when they open. But since they stopped working properly we make the sound ourselves to announce our entrance and departure!"

I smiled and said nothing.

"Welcome on board, VM," he said gently, "I am I."

"Eye?" I asked.

"Not eye, like what you see with," he corrected, "I ... the Roman Numeral I, it stands for the number One. I am Number One. So they call me I."

"Aye aye Sir," I muttered.

"No ... not I ... I," he corrected again, "I I stands for the Roman Numeral Two. That's the man standing over there! He is in charge of all the weapons systems."

"I understand ... I," I mumbled, not knowing what to call him or anyone else.

"OK ... if we are all ready, let's move ... sail ahoy!!!!" shouted the Captain. "Warp speed banana shape or thereabouts, then go straight ahead. Watch out for any space debris which might hit the windscreen. The wind-shield wipers are not working and we have not filled the windscreen water bottle before take-off!"

"Are we travelling according to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Captain?" I asked.

"What did Einstein know?" he replied, "his theory of relativity is that the richer you are the more relatives will attend your funeral. Not up here though. No relatives of mine will catch up with me up here. Except the mother-in-law on her broomstick perhaps!"

"Captain there is another ship ahead ... about 100 light years or so!" said the man standing by the telescope. They called him OO because he wore thick-rimmed glasses.

"On screen," said the Captain.

"We can't do that, Sir," replied OO, "the monitor is broken!"

"All right then, draw me a picture," commanded Sir Ivor.

OO looked through his telescope again, then rushed to the blackboard and drew the spaceship which he saw.

"We are being hailed!" said the other man standing in a telephone kiosk with a phone on his ear.

"Put it on loudspeaker!" commanded Sir Ivor.

"Is anyone there? Is anyone there?" repeated the distant voice on the loudspeaker.

"It's probably someone conducting a seance!" said Number One, known as I.

"I went to a seance once," exclaimed the Captain, "the woman said she was a medium; although I guess she was extra large by the size of her. She said she could foretell the future. Unfortunately, she had to postpone the seance due to unforeseen circumstances."

"Is any one there? Is anyone there?" repeated the loudspeaker.

"We can hear you. Identify yourself," said the Captain.

"Who are you?" asked the loudspeaker from the distant spaceship.

"Ivor Spatial-Anomaly!" replied the Captain.

"We can tell by the way you walk!" said the loudspeaker.

"This is my joke Sir," I protested, "they are repeating my joke!"

"What do you want?" asked the Captain ignoring my protest.

"We have travelled for hundreds of light years searching for another ship in this vast Universe. We are so glad we found you. Can you help us?" said the Captain of the other spaceship.

"What can we do for you?" asked Sir Ivor.

"Could we borrow a cup of sugar please?" asked the other Captain.

"Sugar?" exclaimed Number One, "Sugar?"

"It is a song recorded in 1969 by The Archies," explained Calculus our robotic humanoid who knew everything about everything except how to boil an egg, "it goes like this:

"Sugar, ah honey honey ...You are my candy girl ... And you got me wanting you
Honey, ah sugar sugar  ... You are my candy girl ... And you've got me wanting you."

"Enough ... Calculus," commanded our Captain, "you have the predisposition of giving too much unwanted details to any question we ask."

"We don't want any honey," said the voice on the loudspeaker, "just a cup of sugar. We are making a Victoria sandwich sponge cake and we have run out of sugar!"

"Ah ... a British delicacy indeed," exclaimed our Captain, "my granny used to make it. We were so fond of her, until one day she died. So we had to buy the cakes from the supermarket instead. Not the same you know!"

"Since you know so much about it," said the distant voice, "can you tell us, do you put strawberry or raspberry jam, (jelly), in the Victoria sandwich!"

"Actually, we preferred it with tomato sauce," replied our Captain, "with mozzarella cheese, peperoni sausage, or ham and pineapple. It was more a pizza sandwich one might say!"

After exchanging various recipes between us we eventually used the transporter rays to transport a cup of sugar to the distant spaceship.

"Onwards and upwards!" shouted the Captain, "let us go ahead to our next adventure in Space - the Final Front Ear!"

TO BE CONTINUED - PROBABLY 
(Depending on readers reactions).

20 comments:

  1. LOL!
    I don't know where you get your ideas from … but I'm pleased you share them with us.

    All the best Jan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's great to see you here again, Jan. Ideas just come to mind from nowhere. I'm so glad others enjoy my silly humour.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  2. Will await the next instalment of your sci fi adventure!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll try to think up something else, Christine. Thank you for your kind comment.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  3. Hope to hear from you again soon VM...put you arms down! I am not speaking, I am typing this!!!
    BTW...can I borrow a cup of sugar???

    Signing Off (for now) 🚀👾

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Jan. Great to hear ... read you. I have e-mailed you some sugar. See you again here soon.

      God bless.

      Delete
  4. Of course we want to know what happens next!! LOL!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Terri. Same time, same space soon.

      God bless.

      Delete
  5. The start of another adventure to make us laugh. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hopefully, a banana shaped warped speed space adventure, Happyone.

      God bless.

      Delete
  6. You humour is priceless. Thanks for sharing, will tune in for the further adventures of the Starship Underpants. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Bill. I'm trying to think fast for another episode.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  7. Oh. Wow. Excellent. I rather like the captain. Which sounds like capstan, which oddly enough has nothing to do with Stanley's cap.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's very British, you know, Brian. Captain Sir Ivor Spatial-Anomaly. Born in hospital in Britain in Natal Ward A, B and C. He was a big baby.

      God bless.

      Delete
  8. Dr. Penny C. Lynn? Now THAT's rich! I'm so looking forward to the next episode, Victor.

    PS - I used to love The Archies! (Hope you won't billed for royalties!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So glad you enjoyed this, Mevely. Hopefully, a new episode from outer space soon.

      I loved The Archies too.

      God bless.

      Delete
  9. LOL! Star Trek on steroids! I'm a huge fan of the original Star Trek, so I'm going to have fun with this series, Victor.
    Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Which Star Trek did you like, Martha? Captain Kirk or Captain Picard? I liked both but preferred the Picard ones. They are both being re-run on British TV right now.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  10. ROFLMAO!! you had me from the moment I visualized the misplaced necktie!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So glad you really enjoyed this post, Anni. Another one follows soon.

      God bless.

      Delete

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