A STORY FOR THE YOUNG AT HEART
As we travelled here there and everywhere searching for the Tooth Fairy the Captain said, "We have never travelled back in time. In sci-fi stories on TV and the cinema they always travel back in time. Why don't we do that?"
"Where would you like to go?" asked Calculus, our robotic humanoid.
"I'd like to go back to my childhood," said the Captain, "that way I'll find out how my father always knew how much the Tooth Fairy will leave under my pillow!"
"Why not go somewhere more adventurous?" asked Number One.
"OK ... spin the wheel Calculus and see where we go," replied the Captain, "but first, Mr Spanner, are you sure the transporter beams are working properly? I hate it if our molecules get taken apart and then put together on the surface in the wrong place and I end up with an extra nose, or an eye at the end of my finger!"
"Och aye Cap'ain" said Spanner, our Scottish engineer, "the transporter beams have been fixed. You have no worries for yourself. I'll be here on the ship doing all the worrying for you!"
"Right, that inspires me full of confidence, Spanner ... let's put together an away team," said the Captain, "it will be myself, Number One, and Doctor Penny C Lynn. Calculus you have the bridge. Orbit around the planet far enough away that the people down there will think we are just another star in their sky! They won't suspect a thing."
The three of them stood on the transporting platform. Number One said, "Touch your left nipples to check the communication systems work OK ... all ready? Spin the wheel backwards into the past. Energise!"
The transporter beams shone on the three of them and they disappeared.
As they landed on planet Earth they discovered they were in a castle somewhere and dressed in very odd costumes. They were in the 11th Century in England. But somehow, the transporter beams malfunctioned again; for there were only two of them ... Number One and the Captain.
What was more peculiar is that the Captain had been transported down to earth as a woman.
"What's happened to me?" he cried, "I look and feel different!"
"How different?" asked Number One admiring his new clothing.
"Can't you see?" cried the Captain again, "I have these big breasts for a start and ... and ... I seem to be missing certain parts up front!"
"I do like your dress," replied Number One.
The Captain touched his, or her, left nipple and shouted, "Spanner ... you idiot ... look what you've done. I am a woman."
"There's been a slight error, Cap'ain ..." replied Spanner, "are you feeling OK?"
"OK?" shouted the Captain, "OK? I feel totally different you moron. Everything about me is different. My breasts are large and heavy ... my hair is long ... everything is different. I never thought women are that different ... but they are. These breasts are so large and heavy I need a counterweight on my back to keep me from falling forwards!"
"Calculus ... where is Doctor Penny C Lynn?" asked Number One touching his nipple.
"She is suspended in mid-space, Commander" replied Calculus, "it appears that the Captain has re-materialised on earth in her body, and she is suspended in his body!"
"What do you mean suspended in my body?" cried the Captain, "she'd better take good care of it. And be careful what she touches. I don't want her to damage anything!"
"Calculus ... can you work out where we are and who we are?" asked Number One.
"You are in 11th Century England," explained Calculus, "you are Leofric, Earl of Mercia, and the Captain is Lady Godiva, an 11th-century Anglo-Saxon noblewoman. You are married and have a son named Aelfgar."
"I am married to him?" cried the Captain, "don't you get any ideas Number One or I'll slap your face!"
"Both of you are very generous benefactors to religious houses," continued Calculus, "in 1043 Leofric founded and endowed a Benedictine Monastery in Coventry, England. This is where you are right now, in Coventry."
"Go on ..." encouraged Number One, whilst the Captain was looking at his new body and prodding it with his finger.
"Look at the size of my nipples ..." he mumbled.
Calculus continued, "In 1050, both you Commander, and the Captain, your wife, gave land for the St Mary's Monastery in Worcester and for the Minster in Stow St Mary in Lincolnshire. You are also benefactors of other monasteries in Leominster, Chester, Much Wenlock and Evesham. The Captain, Lady Godiva, also gave a lot of jewellery and precious metals to various causes over her lifetime."
"We seem to be good people," smiled Number One.
"There's more ..." continued Calculus, "you Sir, appear to be over taxing the people of Coventry. Your popularity amongst the people is falling. I would say they hate you in fact. Your wife, the Captain, Lady Godiva, has urged you several times to lower the taxes but you have ignored her ... until now ... Oh dear ..."
"What do you mean, Oh dear?" asked the Captain getting somewhat agitated again.
"It seems Sir," hesitated Calculus, "that in order to pacify Lady Godiva, you Commander, said to your wife, the Captain Godiva, 'I'll lower the taxes if you strip naked and ride a horse through the streets of Coventry!'"
"What?" cried the Captain and Number One in unison.
"It is true," went on Calculus, "it appears, Captain, that in order to fulfil and accomplish the time line continuum you have to ride naked on a horse through Coventry."
"Not on your mechanical RAM computerised life, you robotic machine," cried the Captain, "as for you Spanner, you moronic engineer, remind me to kill you when we next meet!"
"Well Captain," continued Calculus after he had filtered all the insults through his memory data banks, "let me explain. Right now, you are Lady Godiva and the Commander is your husband. Unless you fulfil your destiny as it happened in the 11th Century, that is, unless you ride naked through Coventry, you will remain in the 11th Century for ever in the female body you now have. And Doctor Lynn will remain suspended in mid-space in your body for ever. One can only imagine what she will do with it!"
The Captain said nothing and looked at himself, (or herself), for a while trying to assess the situation.
"Stop looking at your breasts," said Number One, "you'll attract attention to yourself!"
"Oh yeah?" replied the Captain, "and you don't think riding naked through town will attract enough attention?"
And that's how it came to pass that Leofric reduced the taxes in Coventry and Lady Godiva, (the Captain), rode naked throughout town.
Lady Godiva issued a proclamation that on a certain day everyone should remain indoors and shut all their windows because she was going to ride naked on a horse throughout town. (I wonder how many horses volunteered for the job).
Now how naive is that? Did Lady Godiva, (the Captain), really expect everyone to stay indoors after such an announcement? Did NO ONE take a photo with their cell-phones and post it on Facebook?
On the day in question Lady Godiva rode naked on a horse and paraded throughout town.
But a tailor called Tom succumbed to temptation. He made a small hole in his window shutters and had a good look at what he should not have been looking at. And that's where the name Peeping Tom originates from. Apparently he was struck blind after the event.
His friend Ivan Eyeful was wiser and more cautious because he chanced one eye through his peep hole.
After this event, the Captain, Number One and Doctor Penny C Lynn were transported back in their proper bodies onto the spaceship.
Spanner, the engineer, hid in the freezer compartment of our food replicators where he still is to this day.
TO BE CONTINUED ... THE MIND BOGGLES
THOUGHT OF THE DAY: Lady Godiva, all those years ago, was so charitable in heart that she agreed to ride naked in order for her husband to lower taxes on the poor. Today, (in the UK), we often hear of people posing naked for calendars to be sold for a charitable cause.
Is it right to disrobe for a good cause?
Would you do it?
How much would convince you to help a charitable cause close to your heart?