Tuesday, 10 July 2018

The Starship Underpants - Episode Six


After our encounter with Musa the banana we continued our journey towards the far off planet which Earth HQ had asked us to visit. This took several light years and a few dark ones when the electricity generator stopped working and all the lights went off.

Eventually, Calculus sitting at the controls said, "Two spaceships ahead, Captain. They appear to be from Molar an M Class planet covered with cavities on the surface leading to several fissures running deep into the planet's crust. The two ships are making a grinding sound as they bump into each other. They have taken offensive positions, with their sister smaller much ferocious ships known as Canines. They are stationed on either side of us. They are engaging their weapons systems".

"Red alert," said our Commander, Number One, touching his left nipple, " gum shields up ... toothpaste at the ready ... tooth brushes too ... prepare protein torpedoes, carbohydrate pies and sugary sweets and everything else you can think of".

"On screen," said the Captain, "magnify ..."

Spanner, our engineer, brought up a split screen so we could see both captains of both Molar spaceships at the same time. Apparently, the screen was split because it fell as he was carrying it and it broke.

As a sideline, let me tell you something about Spanner, our engineer. Once he spent all day changing the glass panels in all the windows on the spaceship because he thought they were cracked. When he finished he realised he had a crack on his spectacles.

Anyway ... we saw the two Molar Captains of the two spaceships on our split screen. They looked humanoids although some of their facial features had been altered a little so that they may appear as aliens from outer space.

"Who are you?" asked the alien on the left of our split screen.

The Captain replied, "Ivor Spatial-Anomaly".

The alien refrained from making any jokes about it because he felt we had already worn out this joke somewhat. Instead, through gritted teeth, he asked our Captain, "You have a funny accent, where are you from?"

"I am from Oxford, England, Sir," replied our Captain in his best English accent. The Molar alien looked at his companion on the other half of the split screen and smiled. You could tell from his grin that he had teeth like the Ten Commandments - all broken!

"Do you judge people by their accents?" asked our Captain.

"No ... I judge them by their distance," replied the alien, "the further away they are the more I like them! You are in our space ... clear off or we shoot you!"

The alien on the right of the screen stepped in the conversation, "One moment ..." he said and then he asked our Commander, "Your captain said Ivor Spatial-Anomaly ... how about you? What do you say?"

"I've pickled onions!" replied Number One.

"Are they painful?" asked the alien?

"No ... they are in a jar," replied Number One, "they're from the Onion Nebula!"

The two alien Molars looked at each other and one said, "I told you these humans are strange! They keep their onions in a jar. I wonder what else they collect!"

"We'd better be on our way," said our Captain hastily, "we bid you goodbye".

"We would like you to find our father's teeth!" said the Molar on the left.

"Your father's teeth?" asked Number One, "explain ..."

"Some light years ago," explained the alien, "it was very noisy at night because we had a fiesta in town. Our father, the ruler of the planet, known as Megabite by everyone, could not get to sleep because of the noise outside in the street. So he put his head under the pillow. By morning the Tooth Fairy had taken all his teeth!"

"How awful," said our Captain, "I remember my dad telling me to put my tooth under the pillow and the Tooth Fairy will leave me some money. I always believed that she will leave me £100 at least. My dad said she will definitely leave me 5 pennies. Amazing how he was always right when I lost a tooth".

"Did the Tooth Fairy leave your father any money?" Number One asked the Molars.

"About 1700 Fillings," replied one of the aliens, "that's our local currency."

"That's not enough to buy him a new set of false teeth ..." said Number One.

"No ... but it bought him quite a few straws to suck his food with," replied the alien.

"I like straws," reminisced the Captain, "reminds me of drinking milkshakes at the cinema. I liked the cinema! Milkshake, sweets, chocolate, popcorn, kissin' in the back row of the movies on a Saturday night with Ermetrude, holding hands together ... ehm ... quite ... eh ... got carried away rather, I would say ... what?"

"Yeh ...me too," added Number One, "I liked the movies. I used to go often in my teens, my twenties, my thirties and ... Eh ... it was watching sci-fi films that made me want to be a spaceman.

"Do you know, I have never seen a film all the way through in the cinema. I always fell asleep half-way. By the time I woke up the film had finished.

"I once asked the cinema manager if I could buy half a ticket to see the film from the bit I fell asleep to the end. He wouldn't let me. So I bought a whole ticket but only went in the cinema at the point where I fell asleep before.

"Ten minutes later I fell asleep again and missed the ending of the film once more.

"On one occasion I fell asleep during the film and woke up when they were showing the following week's trailers. As it happens the next week was a Western film starring the same lead actor as on the film I was watching right now. I could not understand the story line how this actor changed from being a Centurion in ancient Rome to being a cowboy in Texas!"

"Are you going to help us find our father's teeth or not?" asked one of the aliens angrily, "I have a feeling you are lying through your teeth just to avoid helping us!"

He was really enraged at the Captain's and Number One's laissez-faire attitude. But we could see  from his lack of teeth that his bark was worse than his bite; indeed, the worse he could do is give you a very bad suck!

Suddenly, we noticed from the corner of the screen that their leader, and father, Megabite, entered the bridge of one of the alien space ships. Suddenly, his two sons, and the whole crew of both ships, stood up and sang their National Anthem.

As the Molar Anthem finished our Captain stopped saluting and said,

"We will endeavour to seek and search high and low and to leave no tooth un-turned in order to find the missing Tooth Fairy right now your Dentiness! Do you know where she is?"

"No body knows," replied all the Molars in unison, "if we knew we would have gone there ourselves."

"On our way ..." said our Captain, "gum shields up!"

(My dentist allowing)


  1. You have truly sunk your teeth into this episode Victor!!!
    Loved it!!!


    1. So glad it made you smile broadly, Jan.

      God bless.

  2. "False Teeth, False Teeth" OH GOODNESS!!! Laughing!
    Blessings, Victor!

    1. I sang this with others on stage many years ago when we did shows for charity. A mix of comedy, opera, pop music and singing, dancing etc ... I introduced the show and wrote some of the comedy sketches.

      God bless you, Lulu.

  3. "Like the Ten Commandments - all broken!"
    Love this line, Victor - it's very clever, and of course, the puns are great, too!

    1. When I get my teeth into it, Martha, I try to get the best puns I can.

      God bless you.

  4. Laughing through this! Love the Molar Anthem! I am picturing this saga on the movie screen now!!

    1. Picture this, Terri. When we performed this on stage some years ago we had three or four men, dressed as nuns, singing this as part of a sketch on the Sound Of Music.

      God bless you.

  5. This episode has a lot of bite to it. Very funny Victor!

    1. Thank you, Bill. I got the bit between the teeth.

      God bless.

  6. That particular tooth fairy sounds like a shady soul; be careful, Victor! Love that re-make of Edelweiss!

    1. A group of us sang this song on stage dressed as nuns, Mevely. I, with others, used to do shows for charity.

      Glad you enjoyed the song and episode.

      God bless.



God bless you.