Wednesday, 19 December 2018

Agony Uncle Column

Congratulations to me. I have just got a new job as an Agony Advisor for a newspaper. People write to me for various advice and I give them the benefit of my wide and varied experience and knowledge. Here are a few issues I dealt with recently:

Dear Agony Uncle Vic,

As a newly married man, I get embarrassed when I go to the rest room and break wind noisily. My wife could hear me. What do you suggest I do?

Dear Thunderblast,

Such foods like beans, sprouts and cabbage, nice as they are, tend to create gaseous substances therein which need to come there-out, sometimes accompanied with heightened decibels. Short of avoiding such foods, I suggest you do like me and take a radio with you to the rest room and play it loudly to cover up other unwanted sounds. I suggest playing "Blowing in the wind" by Bob Dylan is very effective in this respect.

Dear Agony Uncle Vic,

Whenever I drink something hot like tea or coffee I get a sharp pain in my eye. Should I visit an optician for this?

Dear Ivor Pain,

I suggest you take the spoon out of the cup before drinking.

Dear Agony Uncle Vic,

I am a politician and I've noticed lately that newspapers and news media tend to ignore all speeches I make and do not report anything about me at all. There seems to be a conspiracy of silence against me. What should I do?

Dear Politician,

Join it!

Dear Agony Uncle,

I keep getting lots of bills and invoices from the electricity company, the telephone company and many others, and I can't pay them. Some have threatened to take me to Court for non-payment. What shall I do?


Dear Profligate,
Do like me. Put all the invoices in a hat and once a week draw one out and pay it. If someone threatens to take you to Court don't put their invoice in the hat as a punishment.

Dear Agony,

I have joined a new Dating Site on-line and gave them all my details. Unfortunately, instead of posting my picture I accidentally sent a photo of my dog instead. What do you suggest I do?

Dear dog lover,

Yours is a relatively minor problem easily solved by writing to the Dating Agency. I once sent in my real photo to such an agency and they returned it back with a note saying: "We're not that desperate!"

Dear Agony Vic,

I live in an apartment block and the walls here are too thin. To get straight to the point - I cannot sleep at night because I hear the young couple living next door making very personal noises from their bedroom. I have tried sleeping with my head under the pillow to no effect. What do you suggest?

Dear Sleepless Nights,

What you are doing is very dangerous. I knew a man who slept with his head under the pillow and the Tooth Fairy took out all his teeth.

Dear Agony Uncle,

I am writing to you from hospital. The instructions on the Quick Cook Rice packet said: "Take one sachet from the packet and stand in boiling water for 5 minutes." I did just that and burnt my feet.

Dear Master Cook,

I sympathise with you. I think instructions on food packets should be clear for any idiot to understand.

Dear Uncle Vic,

Our dog keeps biting the postman.  He also chewed the postman's hat. What shall I do?

Dear Careless Dog Owner,

First of all you should keep your dog under control and take responsibility for your dog's and your actions - or inactions. Secondly, buy him Woof Woof Dog Food. It is the only dog food that tastes of a postman's leg. That should deter him from doing it again.

Dear Know-it-all Agony Column Idiot,

I did not like the way you responded to my last letter about my dog's behaviour. In fact I do not like your attitude!

Dear Dog Owner,

It is not my 'at he chewed; it's the postman's at he chewed!

Dear Agony Uncle,

I am caught in a heart-breaking situation. Do you remember the song, "Torn between two lovers", by Mary MacGregor in 1976? Well, I am in this very situation. I have fallen in love with two men. One of them is young, my age really, he is a multi-millionaire, drives a Lamborghini, lives in a palace and adores me very much. The other one is a little older, he is not that wealthy, poor even, he is an archaeologist, and says he loves me very much. I love them both, but do not know who I should marry. What do you think?

Dear Lover,

I think you should marry the archaeologist because the older you get the more interested he will be in you.

Dear Vic,

We have ants in our house and cannot get rid of them. We have tried everything. Can you help?

Dear Ant Invasion,

Indeed I can help. Get a flat stone. Place on it a mixture of sugar and pepper. The ants will be attracted by the sugar, breathe in the pepper, sneeze, and knock themselves dead against the stone. Simples!!!

Any problems that weigh heavily on your mind can be discussed in all confidence, (apart from one or two readers who venture here), in the Comments box below.    

21 comments:

  1. Oh Victor! I nearly snorted my coffee at your reference to "Blowing in the Wind"! Have you considered syndicating Uncle Agony? Newspaper content is far too serious these days!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Mevely, newspapers are far too serious these days with news of gloom and doom everywhere. That's how I amuse myself; creating my own humour.

      God bless you Mevely and your family.

      Delete
  2. Hahaha! I think you covered all my concerns, Victor :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so glad you have no problems that need resolving, Chris.

      Keep smiling my friend. God bless.

      Delete
  3. Everyone is always looking for advice and you're the person who gives it. The very best to you Uncle Victor, you're on your way up in this crazy world. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Bill for your confidence in me. It is a bottle of Guinness a day which is the best advice I give myself. Cheers and good health to you.

      God bless.

      Delete
  4. Dear Agony Uncle Victor,
    I laughed so hard reading your agony column that I threw back my head, lost my balance and fell on the floor. As if that wasn't bad enough, when I tried to get back on my feet as I tried to stand up I banged my head under the coffee table. Yep! You guessed it...I knocked over my cup of hot coffee and it landed in my lap. I am now in the hospital, wrapped in bandages, in pain but, still laughing about the losers who write to you about their petty problems. BTW...do you know how to get blood and cooffe stains out of wall-to-wall carpeting?

    Blessings My Friend ✝

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That should have been "coffee"...maybe that knock on the head did more damage than I thought :)

      Delete
    2. Dear Jan,

      I am so sorry to hear about your mishaps and your trip to the hospital. I hope you get better soon and the pain you are suffering will soon be a thing of the past.

      As for the carpet; please do not worry about the stains. I suggest you pour more coffee and red paint over the rest of the carpet and pretend it is a modern art trend in wall-to-wall carpeting. Before long other people will want to copy it; but you tell them it is your own copyrighted design and make money out of their stupidity by selling them stained carpets.

      With a bit of positive thinking and the right attitude any mishap or disaster can be turned into a success. Such is the way of the world these days.

      Good luck in your venture as a carpet designer. Why don't you throw some coffee and spaghetti on the walls and design new wall paper too?

      That's how Jackson Pollock started!

      God bless.

      Delete
  5. Uncle Victor, you are a hoot and a half! Love the entertaining advice and the laughter I had while reading.
    Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There was a hoot and a half in my garden the other day. It was a dark night. I went out to investigate. There on the tree was a nocturnal bird who said to me, "Why don't you mind your own business and get back inside your silly old fool!"

      I felt sorry for him because he had Irritable Owl Syndrome.

      Keep smiling Martha. It's good for you.

      God bless.

      Delete
  6. Lol! I did enjoy reading your most entertaining advice.
    Thank you Victor.

    All the best Jan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanx Jan. If you have any problems, especially relating to cooking and diet let me know. I'm sure I'll have some advice to give.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  7. Very funny, dear Uncle Victor!! Very funny!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have learned so much, dear Wise One.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Susan, this makes me happy.

      God bless you always.

      Delete
  9. Sure enjoyed listening to your advice Uncle Victor. : )
    I'm sure you'll have this job for a very long time!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope the newspaper editor agrees with you Happyone. She said it's a good start.

      God bless you.

      Delete

I PRAY FOR ALL WHO COMMENT HERE.

God bless you.

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