Tuesday, 28 May 2019
A Whale Of A Time
I got out a few days ago and found a whale in our back garden. Yes, a whale. There it was swimming amongst the goldfish in the pond at the back of the garden.
I don't know how it got there but there it was. I could not believe my eyes. Let me explain that it was the size of a very large dog, so it was not a fully grown up blue whale as you may have thought. But all the same, a whale the size of two Alsatian sheep dogs suddenly appearing in one's pond is quite something; I tell you. Maybe it had been dropped by a passing sea gull which picked it up from the sea. Although, judging from its size it must have been a very strong sea gull; unless it was a whole flock of them.
Anyway, there it was in my garden and I had to get rid of it. I did not have enough plankton in the fridge with which to feed it. And I was afraid that if it died of hunger I would not be able to flush it down the toilet because of its size.
So I called the authorities to come and help. The Pest Control Department would not believe that I had a whale in my garden. They told me a whale is not a pest so they could not come out to help. I asked them if they could bring someone with a net to take it back to sea. They transferred my phone call to Annette in the Wales Department.
Annette was very kind and explained that she was from the Wales Department. Wales, the country; not Whales the fish department. She said there was no such thing as a fish department at our Local Authority. Whether it is whales or any other fish. She did not believe my story and said it was all a red herring to confuse the Local Authority. Which is a different kettle of fish altogether.
Eventually, I got someone from the Local Authority to come out and investigate. He confirmed it was a whale and suggested we entice it out by playing whale songs. He brought a CD player from his van and played a whales' songs CD. You know the kind; relaxing whales singing songs with sounds of waves and all that.
"Oooohh Ooooohh" went the CD. You know how whale songs sound, don't you? "Oooooh Ooooooh". Long and soft sounds like someone exhaling with laryngitis.
And the whale in our pond responded "Oooooh Oooooh" back but did not budge from the pond.
For at least an hour we had this duet playing "Ooooh Ooooh" to each other.
All the neighbours came round to look at what was going on.
The guy from the Local Authority called in a helicopter with a view to lifting the whale up in a net and then taking it out to sea. That's a net made of ropes tied together and not Annette from the Wales Department - Wales the country not whales the fish. Are you paying attention?
The noise of the helicopter stopped the whale singing and it tried to hide behind the pond flowers and plants.
The man from the Local Authority then changed the CD and played "Nessun Dorma" very loud sung by an overfed tenor.
And that's when I woke up with a start because the radio/clock alarm had gone off.