Monday, 24 June 2019
I have never believed in conspiracy theories. Although, I think there probably is a conspiracy theory to disprove or deny all conspiracy theories.
Originally I was going to entitle this article Conspiracy Theories And Other Lesser Known Alleged Facts That You Did Not Know About And Yet You Ought To.
But there was not enough room on the paper for such a long title so I abbreviated it to just Conspiracy Theories ... so that you just know that I may well be talking about other things than just Conspiracy Theories.
Anyway, there I was the other day in the museum standing in the newly appointed room for the Exhibition Of Shoes Throughout The Centuries ... ... ...
Let me interrupt myself and hasten to add that I am not a frequent visitor of museums. In fact, I am not a visitor at all and had not been in one for centuries; which in itself is a fact that should be displayed in a museum of sorts. I believe museums are for people with nothing to do in their present life who busy themselves with the lives of others from the past.
No ... I was in the museum to meet a friend of mine for lunch at a new restaurant in town. She is an accountant visiting the museum for some finance meeting or other ... ... ...
Let me interrupt again and hasten to add that she is not the typical boring accountant one usually meets. The ones who permanently carry an abacus with them and are so slow and boring that they shake your hand one finger at a time. No ... Laura is young, very pretty, interesting and with an infectious joie de vivre that makes you feel ten years younger just by being with her.
As I was saying before my thoughts derailed my train of thoughts ... there I was at the Shoe Exhibition waiting for Laura when I was approached by this man. I could tell by his sandals and the fact that he carried a bag of quinoa that he was one of those liberally minded do-gooders who loves everybody and wants to save the planet for his many children, grand-children and their children for generations to come. I bet his farts are super-filtered to capture any noxious gases that might pollute the atmosphere for eons into the future.
By the way ... here's a fact you may not know ... quinoa is a fancy cereal, not a grass, unlike wheat and rice. It is botanically related to spinach. Its seeds are rich in protein, dietary fibre, B vitamins, and dietary minerals in amounts greater than in many grains and is gluten-free. It also tastes like the droppings you find at the bottom of your parakeet cage.
So, this man approaches me at the museum and says, "Do you realise all the time you have been standing here an area the size of Wales has been cut down in the rain forest!"
So I moved to another room in the hope they would stop cutting those trees.
He followed me into another room filled with human and animal skeletons and various whales and fish bones ... a proper dog's breakfast, if I may say so. "Some of these bones are not of earthly origin," he opined.
I was about to say something when he continued, "aliens from outer space landed on this planet many centuries ago but there is a conspiracy to keep this secret so as not to cause mass world panic!
"These aliens are still here right now and they are studying us and our behaviours ...
"You can tell an alien because they don't have a navel, a belly button, because they are not born like us. Which explains why there are no aliens belly dancers ... and they don't sunbathe on the beach.
"Aliens are in our homes as we speak ... or even when we're silent. They hide behind the fridge because it is one place where you don't often vacuum clean.
"Have you ever been at home busy doing something, washing the dishes, cooking or reading quietly when you think you saw out of the corner of your eye a sudden movement? That's an alien observing you. Watching your every movement and sending information back to the mother-ship. All this data and photos of all of us is being stored and recorded by outer-space creatures for future use".
I imagined photos and videos of me in the shower being shared on various websites in inter-galactic space.
He asked me whether I had ever swam with dolphins. I said I could not afford it so I went swimming with sardines instead.
He explained that in ancient times there was another world under the sea inhabited by intelligent life. These creatures still exist and take the form of friendly fish like the dolphins. "They are mammals you know ..." he said, "just like us ... they live deep down in various oceans and they come up where there are people in order to study us ..."
"At least they don't take photos in my bathroom," I thought to myself and said nothing.
"Years ago a scientist studying dolphins in their natural habitat discovered the East Pole you know ..." said the quinoa eating liberal, "but this too has been kept a secret from the world. Unlike the other Poles the East one is warm and not snow covered. That is why it is so easily camouflaged. Not many people know about it.
"You've heard that the ice caps in the North and South Poles are melting, haven't you?" he asked.
"As the ice melts, the sea levels will rise above the land, and more of us will live next to the beach. Property prices will shoot up ... that's why the powers that be are doing nothing about the melting ice caps. They are busily investing in cheap inland properties waiting for prices to go up when the sea reaches them.
"Talking of inland properties ..." he continued knowingly, "did you know that people living by the sea need not pay taxes? That's why they call it the INLAND Revenue. But not many people know that and pay taxes anyway. However, these powers that be, will not pay taxes when the sea reaches their inland homes because they'd be by the sea!"
By this time my head and brain were hurting and I had lost the will to live. But Laura came to my rescue and brought me back to the real world of today rather than being in this fantasy past of creatures from outer-space photographing my bottom, or dolphins hiding in the East Pole.
I'll never visit a museum again.