Thursday, 25 June 2020

Camelot - Long Live The King Arthur

EPISODE ONE HERE

EPISODE TWO HERE

As young Prince Arthur became King of Camelot he needed a lot of guidance from the elderly warlock named Gaius; and more than a little amount of protection from the young wizard Merlin.

Gaius and Merlin dabbled a little in magic, even though Uther Pendragon, the previous King and father of Arthur, had expressly forbidden anyone from practicing magic in Camelot.

Gaius used his wisdom to advise King Arthur on matters of state; whilst Merlin, as instructed by the flying great dragon named Kilgharrah, had the task of protecting Arthur from his many enemies who wanted to kill him and take over Camelot.

Kilgharrah had told Merlin that his destiny was to protect Arthur and to save Camelot from falling in the wrong hands; but also he had warned him not to over-use his magical powers in doing so as there may well be unfortunate repercussions.

One day Gaius the old warlock had informed King Arthur to expect a visit from a French nobleman called Coeur de Fer, (or Iron Heart as translated in English). This is not to be confused with Lion Heart which is the name given to King Richard the Lion Heart; a totally different person altogether.

To continue, Arthur asked Gaius, “what does this Frenchman want from us anyway?”

“A union, Sire,” replied Gaius quietly.

“A Union?” cried Arthur, “we don’t have Unions in this Kingdom. There’s me as King, then the Noblemen and Knights and then the serfs; you know … the agricultural labourers who work in my fields. We can’t have Unions negotiating salaries and conditions of work. They’d be asking for holidays and sick-pay next!”

“It’s not that kind of Union,” continued Gaius quietly.

“What other Union is there,” cried the young petulant Arthur, “and why are you whispering man? Come on speak up!”

“I do not want to wake up the hounds,” said Gaius, “we should let sleeping dogs lie!”

“The hounds … the hounds … you’re always worried about the hounds, Gaius. Have you never heard of giving a dog a bone and it will keep him content for ages?” said Arthur.

“As I was saying,” continued Gaius patiently, “the French nobleman Coeur de Fer wishes to negotiate a union between Camelot and the Kingdom of France as led by King Louis-le-Fier!”

“What union does he have in mind?” asked Arthur.

“King Louis-le-Fier wishes you to accept his daughter’s hand, Sire!” explained Gaius.

“What? How cruel. Is the man mad? What am I to do with his daughter’s hand? Is he seriously considering cutting her hand off and sending it to me?” said the stupid Arthur.

“No Sire,” said Gaius patiently, “he wishes his daughter to have your name!”

“He wants to call her Arthur, and cut her hand off?” continued the stupid King.

At this point Merlin enters the King’s chambers and motions to Gaius not to respond.

“Let me explain,” he said to young and stupid King Arthur, “King Louis-le-Fier, has two daughters named Marge A’Reen and Marm A’Laid of whom he is very proud. Unless either of these twin sisters is married before he dies the Kingdom of France would then go to his evil cousin Pierre Péter, which translated in English means Peter the Farter.

“It is imperative under the rules of French succession to the throne that a monarch’s daughter must be married to inherit the throne.

“The King Louis-le-Fier, not having any male heirs, hence his wearing of a wig at all times, is keen to have either of his daughters wed before he dies.

“If Peter the Farter takes over as King of France there would be quite a stink all over the land; so much so that France may well have to go to war with its neighbours in Spain, Germany and Italy who do not get on with Peter the Farter.

“The Ruler of Spain, Senior Manuel Concertina and his beautiful wife Harmonica Melodica are already beating the war drums. They have had secret talks with the leader of Germany, a successful hairdresser turned politician called Herr Kutt; and his Chancellor the iron-fisted Herr Mitt, and the historian Herr Loom.

“They have agreed that should Peter the Farter become King of France they would ask the Emperor Mc Arony of Italy, and his trusted advisor Pasta-de-Vino to join them to war against France.

“So it is imperative, Sire,” continued Merlin whilst the old warlock Gaius had fallen asleep, “it is imperative that King Louis-le-Fier of France has either or both of his twin daughters marry an ally from Camelot.

“Namely you, Sire. In order to avoid Peter the Farter becoming King! And in order to avoid a possible war between France and its neighbours.”

“Ooooew!!!” said King Arthur trying to fathom out what he’d just been told.

“So … I have to marry both Marge A’Reen and Marm A’Laid. That’s bigamy surely!” said Arthur.

“It’s big of you and big of me too, were I to marry both women,” replied Merlin, “but I can handle them better than you!” then adding sotto voce “you thick flaming idiot!”

“What’s that you said?” asked Arthur.

“Oh nothing …” lied Merlin, “just imagine Sire. We’ll have a wonderful wedding celebration and after the party you’ll take Princess Marge A’Reen or Princess Marm A’Laid to your private chambers and have a lot of fun together!”

“Well, I hope either of them likes to play chess,” said Arthur, “It is not a game you can play alone is it?”

“Yes Sire,” said Merlin, “whatever games you play with your newly wedded wife is your affair.”

“There’s a problem though,” interrupted King Arthur, “this is a secret Merlin. Don’t tell anyone. In all truth I love Guinevere, and I’d rather marry her!”

“Oh …” hesitated the young wizard, “and have you seen her father?”

“Yes, but I’d still prefer to marry her,” replied the King.

Merlin sighed and then sotto voce again, “may the Lord preserve us and save Camelot from this idiot.”

And the moral of this story, (so far), is: Be ready to play games with your bride on your wedding night like chess, draughts or backgammon …but whatever you play is up to you and her.

Also as an additional moral: Beware. The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.

APOLOGIES TO EVERYONE WHO HAD DIFFICULTY WITH THE ORIGINAL FONT

As young Prince Arthur became King of Camelot he needed a lot of guidance from the elderly warlock named Gaius; and more than a little amount of protection from the young wizard Merlin.

Gaius and Merlin dabbled a little in magic, even though Uther Pendragon, the previous King and father of Arthur, had expressly forbidden anyone from practicing magic in Camelot.

Gaius used his wisdom to advise King Arthur on matters of state; whilst Merlin, as instructed by the flying great dragon named Kilgharrah, had the task of protecting Arthur from his many enemies who wanted to kill him and take over Camelot.

Kilgharrah had told Merlin that his destiny was to protect Arthur and to save Camelot from falling in the wrong hands; but also he had warned him not to over-use his magical powers in doing so as there may well be unfortunate repercussions.

One day Gaius the old warlock had informed King Arthur to expect a visit from a French nobleman called Coeur de Fer, (or Iron Heart as translated in English). This is not to be confused with Lion Heart which is the name given to King Richard the Lion Heart; a totally different person altogether.

To continue, Arthur asked Gaius, “what does this Frenchman want from us anyway?”

“A union, Sire,” replied Gaius quietly.

“A Union?” cried Arthur, “we don’t have Unions in this Kingdom. There’s me as King, then the Noblemen and Knights and then the serfs; you know … the agricultural labourers who work in my fields. We can’t have Unions negotiating salaries and conditions of work. They’d be asking for holidays and sick-pay next!”

“It’s not that kind of Union,” continued Gaius quietly.

“What other Union is there,” cried the young petulant Arthur, “and why are you whispering man? Come on speak up!”

“I do not want to wake up the hounds,” said Gaius, “we should let sleeping dogs lie!”

“The hounds … the hounds … you’re always worried about the hounds, Gaius. Have you never heard of giving a dog a bone and it will keep him content for ages?” said Arthur.

“As I was saying,” continued Gaius patiently, “the French nobleman Coeur de Fer wishes to negotiate a union between Camelot and the Kingdom of France as led by King Louis-le-Fier!”

“What union does he have in mind?” asked Arthur.

“King Louis-le-Fier wishes you to accept his daughter’s hand, Sire!” explained Gaius.

“What? How cruel. Is the man mad? What am I to do with his daughter’s hand? Is he seriously considering cutting her hand off and sending it to me?” said the stupid Arthur.

“No Sire,” said Gaius patiently, “he wishes his daughter to have your name!”

“He wants to call her Arthur, and cut her hand off?” continued the stupid King.

At this point Merlin enters the King’s chambers and motions to Gaius not to respond.

“Let me explain,” he said to young and stupid King Arthur, “King Louis-le-Fier, has two daughters named Marge A’Reen and Marm A’Laid of whom he is very proud. Unless either of these twin sisters is married before he dies the Kingdom of France would then go to his evil cousin Pierre Péter, which translated in English means Peter the Farter.

“It is imperative under the rules of French succession to the throne that a monarch’s daughter must be married to inherit the throne.

“The King Louis-le-Fier, not having any male heirs, hence his wearing of a wig at all times, is keen to have either of his daughters wed before he dies.

“If Peter the Farter takes over as King of France there would be quite a stink all over the land; so much so that France may well have to go to war with its neighbours in Spain, Germany and Italy who do not get on with Peter the Farter.

“The Ruler of Spain, Senior Manuel Concertina and his beautiful wife Harmonica Melodica are already beating the war drums. They have had secret talks with the leader of Germany, a successful hairdresser turned politician called Herr Kutt; and his Chancellor the iron-fisted Herr Mitt, and the historian Herr Loom.

“They have agreed that should Peter the Farter become King of France they would ask the Emperor Mc Arony of Italy, and his trusted advisor Pasta-de-Vino to join them to war against France.

“So it is imperative, Sire,” continued Merlin whilst the old warlock Gaius had fallen asleep, “it is imperative that King Louis-le-Fier of France has either or both of his twin daughters marry an ally from Camelot.

“Namely you, Sire. In order to avoid Peter the Farter becoming King! And in order to avoid a possible war between France and its neighbours.”

“Ooooew!!!” said King Arthur trying to fathom out what he’d just been told.

“So … I have to marry both Marge A’Reen and Marm A’Laid. That’s bigamy surely!” said Arthur.

“It’s big of you and big of me too, were I to marry both women,” replied Merlin, “but I can handle them better than you!” then adding sotto voce “you thick flaming idiot!”

“What’s that you said?” asked Arthur.

“Oh nothing …” lied Merlin, “just imagine Sire. We’ll have a wonderful wedding celebration and after the party you’ll take Princess Marge A’Reen or Princess Marm A’Laid to your private chambers and have a lot of fun together!”

“Well, I hope either of them likes to play chess,” said Arthur, “It is not a game you can play alone is it?”

“Yes Sire,” said Merlin, “whatever games you play with your newly wedded wife is your affair.”

“There’s a problem though,” interrupted King Arthur, “this is a secret Merlin. Don’t tell anyone. In all truth I love Guinevere, and I’d rather marry her!”

“Oh …” hesitated the young wizard, “and have you seen her father?”

“Yes, but I’d still prefer to marry her,” replied the King.

Merlin sighed and then sotto voce again, “may the Lord preserve us and save Camelot from this idiot.”

And the moral of this story, (so far), is: Be ready to play games with your bride on your wedding night like chess, draughts or backgammon …but whatever you play is up to you and her.

Also as an additional moral: Beware. The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.


20 comments:

  1. Giggling out-loud! Victor, I think you've outdone yourself with these names and innuendos, too! Now, I'm trying to imagine who'll be playing Arthur and Merlin on stage. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Innuendo? We're having a new window put up soon.

      I'm so glad you enjoyed this episode, Mevely. Hopefully a new episode soon, forsooth. What does forsooth mean anyway?

      God bless you and yours.

      Delete
  2. Love all the humorous, "play on words" names you've given to your characters, Victor! You are one clever writer. And I never knew King Arthur was such a dimwit - lol!
    Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah ... yes, he was not very bright at first as a young King. But see the forthcoming episodes, Martha. They will be so exciting I have not even written them yet; or even fathomed out what to write.

      God bless always, my friend.

      Delete
  3. Replies
    1. Must be all that garlic that he ate. He made a stink everywhere.

      God bless you, Bill.

      Delete
  4. Replies
    1. Thank you Brian. Glad I made you smile.

      God bless always.

      Delete
  5. Thanks for the laughs today. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Having beginning glaucoma, had a little trouble with the "font", but still found it to be quite funny, and you are the master of words. Have a great day!!! Keep us smiling.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So sorry to hear you had difficulties reading this, Wanda. I will change the font in future. Praying for you my friend.

      God bless.

      Delete
  7. I had trouble reading the font so read just here and there. And I did enjoy your play of words in the names.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am sorry, Ladka. I will use a different font in future.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  8. I like the look of the original font, but pleased you gave an alternative.
    I enjoyed the read, thank you.

    Wishing you a good weekend.

    All the best Jan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Jan. It shows how unthinking I can be. I did not even realise some people would have difficulties with the original font. I intended to publish these short stories as a book in the original font. Now ... ???

      God bless, Jan.

      Delete
  9. As long as you close the doors first, play any games you like!

    ReplyDelete

I PRAY FOR ALL WHO COMMENT HERE.

God bless you.