Saturday, 13 June 2020

King Arthur and Camelot



A long tyme ago in Merrie Olde Englande, in the 12th Century, there was a castle and court known as Camelot which housed a wise and kind King named Arthur. He it was who commissioned a carpenter to make him a large round table around which he and his Knights would sit all as equal partners in the ruling of his Kingdom.

There were many Knights with names like Sir Galahad, Sir Lancelot du Lac, Sir Gawain and so on. They wore suits made of armour to protect them when fighting the King's enemies with swords, lances or even being shot at with arrows or cross-bows. Even their trousers were made of metal known as chain mail; consisting of small metal rings linked together in a pattern to form a mesh. Unfortunately, when they ran the metal rings rubbed together and heated up the Knights' delicate parts; which explains perhaps why they were often seated on horseback.

With all that metal armour, often the horse objected to having to carry such weights, and they would bolt to try and overthrow their riders. This led to the practice of the Knights pushing their legs together round the horse's body to ensure they don't fall off. As a result many Knights became bow-legged because of the pressure they exerted on their legs around the horse. This led to the saying: What manner of men are these; who carry their bits in parentheses? ('!')

In Camelot there was also a wizard called Merlin who practiced magic, even though King Arthur had expressly forbidden sorcery in his Kingdom and threatened to execute anyone caught doing magic tricks like sawing a lady in half, pulling a rabbit out of a hat, do disappearing acts, or making a coin appear from someone's ears. Once Merlin put his red underpants in the washing machine and all the clothes turned pink. King Arthur was not at all impressed by that magic trick. However, because he liked Merlin, he forgave him this for once and instead banished all washing machines from Camelot. This explains why washing machines were not re-introduced into society until many years later after electricity had been invented.

Also, in his anger, King Arthur banished all red underwear from his Kingdom. He had special guards whose job it was to stop all people in the streets and check the colour of their underwear. Little Red Riding Hood left Camelot as a result and went to another fairy tale with a Big Bad Wolf. It is believed this is the same Big Bad Wolf who hounded three pigs living in houses made of different materials who apparently had defaulted on payments of their mortgages. But that's another story for another day.

Back to Camelot, where in the dungeons, unbeknown to anyone but Merlin the wizard, lived a flying great dragon named Kilgharrah. He had been imprisoned as part of the Great Purge against magic ordered by Arthur's Father, Uther Pendragon, twenty years earlier. Kilgharrah, the dragon, had a great trick of breathing fire out of his mouth after a meal of chilli con carne, or similar foods laced with Tabasco sauce. Many years previously, after a sumptuous banquet given by Uther Pendragon, (Arthur's father), he, (Uther), sat back on his seat and pulled out a cigar from his pocket and putting it in his mouth he asked, "anyone got a light?"

The dragon breathed on his face and totally scorched his eyebrows such was the fire he exhaled.

All the guests at the banquet laughed at the dragon's stupidity. The dragon got so embarrassed so he held his breath very hard so as not to repeat his mistake; but he eventually broke wind because of the effort it entailed. Unfortunately he then breathed out and was alight at both ends at the same time, setting the whole castle on fire.

And that's why Uther locked him up in the dungeons.

Also in Camelot there was a servant called Guinevere who falls in love with Prince (later King) Arthur, but he is out of her reach because she is not from a noble family. Also there is Lady Morgana, (Uther's ward), who is secretly a witch planning to take over Camelot from King Arthur and to rule it using magic and trickery. There is also Gaius who is a warlock ... it's all true I tell you! He is an old wise male witch whose job it is to advise King Arthur and to guide Merlin whose job it is to protect Arthur.    

Many stories have been written about Camelot, King Arthur and the Knights of the round table. And many legends have been born and repeated through the ages for our entertainment, edification and education. This is only the beginning. No doubt there will be many other tales from this ancient English Kingdom. All of them full of mystery and intrigue as well as a moral lesson for us all.

For example, did you know that fat people are difficult to kidnap? That's because they are difficult to shove into a car at speed before anyone notices. Also, because cars were not invented at the time of Camelot.

Remember that next time you decide to go on a diet.

12 comments:

  1. Oh, my favorite stage play! "Don't let it be forgot, that once there was a spot, for one brief shining moment, that was known as Camelot.'
    These back-stories are hilarious ... but I do feel sorry for that poor dragon. I'm looking forward to reading more tales from the ancient Kingdom.

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    1. Thanx Mevely for your encouragement. I am racking my brain to think up other stories. Is it racking or wracking my brain? Now that's a conundrum, I must say. What does conundrum mean anyway? Is it a special kind of drum you beat when you're confused?

      God bless you, Mevely.

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    1. Hi Renee,

      Good to see you here. Welcome.

      God bless.

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  3. I think it's "wracking," Victor, but you might want to check on that. Love the story of King Arthur, and your embellishments are definitely entertaining! Red underwear? Did they even wear underwear in those days?
    Blessings!

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    1. I'll check on racking/wracking, Martha. And yes; I think they must have worn underwear because it gets quite cold in winter in Camelot. Especially when there's a chilli wind blowing from underneath. Also, when they held siege against a castle; they attacked by putting long ladders against the walls and climbing into the turrets up above. If they had no underwear, then the soldier following the one above him up the ladder would look up and have his view of the turret obscured !!!!!

      God bless, Martha.

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  4. Fancy font for the story, matches the time period. :)

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    1. This is because I found this story in a scroll of paper whilst visiting the ruins of Camelot, Bill. I just copy/pasted it.

      God bless you.

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  5. Thank you for stopping by my blog.. I am a new convert (1 Year this easter) I was looking for Catholic Blogs and found you on another site :-)

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    1. Welcome, Renee; both to the Catholic Church and to this blog. This is mainly a Christian website with Christian articles and books (some FREE from www.holyvisions.co.uk) But we also publish humourous stories because God has a sense of humour.

      God bless.

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  6. Font and story go so well …

    All the best Jan

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    1. Hopefully, I'll think up more stories about Englande's magical tymes.

      God bless, Jan.

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