Thursday, 6 June 2013

Aunt Gertrude strikes again

I tell you … as much as one has to like one’s relatives, Aunt Gertrude makes it very difficult indeed. For years I have loved her as I love the sun … from afar! Us living in Britain and she in Australia has been the ideal relationship and for a very long time the love between us has really blossomed.

She sent us one of her re-cycled Christmas cards once a year and that was enough love to last us a whole 12 months, until the next card.

By re-cycled, I mean that for years she sent us cards other people sent to her with the original message crossed off and her love and best wishes scribbled in. But it’s the thought that counts. They weren’t always Christmas cards. Sometimes it was birthday cards her friends sent her and she scribbled “Merry Christmas” and sent them to us to “save destroying trees” in the rainforest somewhere or other. On one occasion years ago she sent us a sympathy card she received after her husband passed away six months previously. She scribbled over the card “Best Wishes for Christmas” and that made it cheerful in an instant.

Her eagerness to save money whenever she can has been a source of family amusement for years.

Personally, I can live with that as long as it does not affect me directly. It’s her life and she can live it as she wants. But since she came to stay with us for a holiday her antics have directly affected me … especially this morning.

The family was out and for my sins I had to stay at home to finish a report I was writing and listen to the interminable nattering of my Aunt’s Australian accent. Perhaps this is a penance for “time-off” Purgatory; I don’t know.

I tried to ignore her as I typed away furiously trying to beat the time-deadline when I have to up-load the report to my boss.

I hadn’t had any breakfast and had been working since 7:30am. She got out of her room at about nine and suggested she makes me something to eat. How kind of her. I smiled and thanked her.

A bit later she came in with a nice cup of coffee and toast with grilled cheese and a meaty paste on top. The cheese was hot and melting, just as I like it, and the extra layer of meaty paste on top, bubbling because of the heat, made it divine. I devoured it thankfully and suggested that she makes some more.

“We have no more meat, cobber!” she screeched as she does normally, “it was a small tin and it’s finished!”

“It was lovely,” I said appreciatively, “what’s it called so we can buy it again?”

“It had no label, mate!” she screeched back showing me a small tin she had bought cheaply from the supermarket. It was cheap because it specifically had lost its label and had a small dent in it – that’s why!

I looked at the tin suspiciously and went to the pantry. It looked like tins we’d bought before. In fact it had the same serial number ink-jetted at the top like tins we’d bought before. Identical in fact to our cat’s tinned food.

She had just fed me cat food on toast !!!!!!!!

What mental type of relative have I got?

What possessed her to buy a tin with no label just because it was a few pence cheaper?

What was she expecting to find inside? Peas? Caviar? Grilled kangaroo liver marinated in Australian lager?

She is definitely totally mad.

And I note that she did not have any of the appetizing grilled breakfast toast.

Perhaps not that mad after all !

When I told her what she had just done she laughed and said “It’ll grow hair on your chest, cobber. Or should I say fur?”

I really wish I could love her from afar once again.


  1. Poor Victor! Never mind, a good shot of whiskas - oops, I mean, whiskey - should help. Meowbe, you should paws befur you let Auntie cook, again. Still, it'll be a funny tail to tell the in-claws at family get-togethers!

    A purrfect (scratching) post, Victor:-D

    God bless:-)

    1. G’day ma darlin.

      My great-nephew does not know I read his Blog. He stupidly put the Blog address on one of his Christmas cards years ago and I’ve been following him in secret ever since.

      When I say great nephew I don’t mean great in the sense of grand or enormous. He is the son of some cousin or other on our family bush. In reality, he is a bit of a fusspot always worrying about nothing. A bit of cat food won’t do him any harm; bless him.

      Actually, my friend; I knew it was cat food. I took off the label meself; but don’t tell him. It’ll be our little secret!

      Bless ye me dear.


    2. At last! Some sensible conversation around here!

      Now, Auntie, I was thinking that together we might make some changes to the old fusspot's wee blog.

      I thought we could start by livening up those tabs of his.

      Instead of 'ABOUT THE AUTHOR', we could have 'ABOUT AUNTIE.' And 'Vic's Video's' could become 'Gertie's Gags.' What do you think?

      That should be enough to start with, I think - we don't want old Snowball to choke on his Whiskas;-)

      Onya, Auntie:-D

    3. I am sorry Vicky that my aunt has replied to your earlier comment before I had a chance to. I did not know she had a phone/tablet type thingy; nor that she read this Blog. I didn't even realise she was technically advanced. Perhaps not so advanced if she thinks that no one else can read her comment here. She thinks because it's on her tablet, which is always in her locked room, no one else can read what she wrote about me.

      Anyway, I have disabled anonymous comments to avoid a repeat performance.

      I shall continue to write about my aunt here in the hope that she reads it an improves her behaviour, (and tone down her shrill nightmarish voice).

      To deliberatly feed me cat food is beyond forgiveness.

      God bless you.

  2. Cat food on toast --- oh dear, that would make me an instant vegetarian if I wasn't one already.

    I love Aunt Gertrude...
    Blessings , Victor +

    1. I tend to agree Caroline. It tasted of chicken liver pate though. Rather nice even though somewhat bland.

      For some reason, I now keep licking my hands. Rather embarrassing in public.

      God bless.

  3. I'm sitting here laughing at both the post and the comments! Well done, Victor! (And you too, Vicky!)

    1. You know Mary, I can still taste the cat food. It was not that bad tasting really, but I should not have been fed it!

      Vicky has a great sense of humour.

      God bless.

  4. Just hilarious. Thanks for the day brightener.

    1. My aunt has just done it again, Barbara. I'll be writing about her antics here soon.

      God bless.

  5. Was is organic cat food, Victor? Because if it was, it will have good vitamins for you...but if it was not (which I highly suspect from the sounds of Auntie G's antics), you may have ingested minerals like ash...but nothing that your liver cannot handle.
    Now, pyschologically speaking (btw, I'm not a pyschologist) - you may be messed up for quite some time.
    You are a very good sport and I wish you well. Please keep us updated with any good stories...they are very amusing, although (sadly)at your expense. :o/

    1. The psychological effects are getting worse Hand-Maid. Today on the bus I leaned close to a young lady and started purring. I nearly got arrested.

      Auntie has been outrageous again today. I'll be writing about it here soon.

      God bless.



God bless you.