Wednesday, 17 July 2013

The armchair

I may have mentioned that Uncle Herbert from Dundee is very generous and always brings us many gifts when he visits.

He was with us recently to meet Aunt Gertrude from Australia who is staying with us for a (long) while.

After he left to his native Scotland he proved once again that his generosity knows no bounds. I wish it did really …

Being generous is one thing but then it can also go too far and it takes over someone else’s life. I don’t mean to be critical … Yes I do actually; otherwise I wouldn’t be telling you this.

Let me explain.

The other day a large van drew outside our house and they delivered a large box.

"Struth cobber ..." said Auntie Gertrude, "what in a nest of kookaburras is that?"

We weren’t expecting anything apart from a book which I had ordered from the Internet. But this box was far too big for a book ... 

We got the box into the house, Auntie and I, and we opened it to discover that it contained a huge armchair.

Not a normal type of armchair mind you … no, this was an inflatable armchair. And not the kind you inflate with air … it would take ages and strong lungs to inflate something this size. No, this armchair had to be filled with water. It’s like a water bed but armchair shaped. And it’s in the most hideous blue plastic colour.

With the gift was a short note from Uncle Herbert saying “I saw this in the shop and thought of you.”


Why would an oversized fluorescent blue inflatable armchair lead a kind, albeit somewhat demented old man, to think of me? Do I look fat and wobbly maybe? I never even wear blue, so what led him to buy it for

Anyway … one has to be kind I suppose, and as Uncle Herbert is visiting again next week, (he seems to like Aunt Gertrude - don't know why), we decided to inflate the armchair with gallons and gallons of water.

"No worries cobber!" laughed Auntie Gertrude, "I'll fix the hose from the garden to the water and we'll soon have this thing floating like a surf board on an Australian wave!"

It must have emptied three local lakes to fill it.

It was placed in front of the TV where our dear Uncle often sits. It wobbles and moves as you sit in it and it makes you sea-sick, especially when the blue plastic reflects the light from the TV set.

Aunt Gertrude tried it a few times and she liked it. She's thinking of buying one for herself to take back to Adelaide.

So there was I yesterday sitting uncomfortably in this huge blue lagoon moving from side to side when I eventually fell asleep. There was nothing good on TV except the dust accumulated by the static.

As I lay there sleeping, dreaming of being on a Pirate’s Ship with Captain Blue Beard no doubt, suddenly my dream turned into Titanic.

Apparently the other day Auntie Gertrude was knitting on the inflatable armchair and had inadvertently lost one of the knitting needles. As I sat on the chair I somehow pushed the needle into the plastic fabric which burst with a slow but steady discharge of water everywhere.

There were gallons of water flooding the living room as I slowly sank down to the ground trapped in the infernal armchair as it folded itself with me in it ...

... and then I shot up violently like a rocket as the water made contact with an electric appliance in the living room.

Auntie Gertrude who was in the room at the time and witnessed the whole event laughed loudly as she said "I always knew your big bottom was too heavy for that chair, cobber!"


  1. Big bottom!!!

    Any size of bottom could have pushed that needle in. As with all things water-filled and inflatable (including fish bowls with live fish), should be kept in the garden.

    1. I suppose you're right Remedia. I am not that big.

      God bless.

  2. This is too funny! Although I suspected that it might end this way...I laughed out loud just the same.
    I'm Glad you escaped electrocution!

    1. It was a shocking experience, Hand-Maid. Quite shocking.

      God bless.

  3. Victor, you're a larf! And, Auntie Gertrude is a legend:-D

    This actually brings back memories of when we used to own a waterbed. They were very trendy over here, years ago. Ours took a bit of getting used to but I was just falling in love with it when it sprung a leak. After a few months of persevering with sticky patches, we threw the bed out - waking up in a pool of water might be refreshing in the heat of summer but, in winter, we were developing icicles. Of course, I got blamed for bursting the bed - quite unfairly, I think! - and, ever since, I've had the threat of boot camp hanging over my head:-/

    God bless, Victor:-)

    1. Hi Vicky,

      Yes I remember water beds. They were quite popular at a time. We never had one but recently we got this water chair from Uncle. It didn't last long and it had nothing to do with my weight!

      How did you burst the water bed? Were you knitting at the time?

      God bless.

  4. Hello Victor! Aunt Gertrude is really Crocodile Dundee, yes??
    Loved this.
    I realise I haven't become a member of your blog - how did that not happen??? I shall be rectifying this today my dear!
    God bless, Gigi

    1. Hello Gigi,

      I'm so glad to see you visiting again and that you've become a new follower of this Blog. Thanx so much.

      Aunt Gertrude is not exactly Crocodile Dundee. She is from Australia and has come to visit us and I believe she is over-staying her welcome. You can read all her stories by clicking on her name at the bottom of this post.

      God bless.

    2. Oh I'm pleased to be a Follower Victor!
      I will indeed catch up on Auntie - I imagine her in a floral pinny with a corked hat dessert boots on! Your writing always lifts the spirits! Please do always feel you can leave comments, ideas and criticism on my little blog too: always welcome from you. God bless, Gigi

    3. Thankfully Gigi she does not wear a corked hat. She does wear boots though. She originally came to holiday for a short while and has been here for weeks. Her hobby seems to make me miserable as you'll read in all the stories published so far. A short cut is to go to the tab on top entitled Giggles and Fun and start reading from the entry "Aunt Gertrude" (about half-way down the page).

      Will visit your Blog soon and often.

      God bless.

  5. You don't fool me, Victor - you popped it on purpose, didn't you? Not that I blame you as I would have done the same...

    Great story :)

    What is a larf?

    1. No Mary ... I did not pop it on purpose ... honest! It was Auntie Gertrude to blame.

      A larf is London Cockney slang for "laugh". People would say "You're havin a larf ain't you?" Which translated in proper English would be "You must be joking surely old boy, what?" Or, as Auntie Gertrude would say "Fair dinkum cobber!" But she has a language all to herself and I need to get an Australian dictionary to understand her.

      When the chair arrived she said "what in a nest of kookaburras is that?" I don't know what that means, but I can still feel the pain in my lower regions of her interference with the matter.

      God bless you Mary.

  6. Ahhh - so that's what it means! Thanks, Victor!

    You better hope Auntie Gertrude's visit isn't a permanent one :)

    1. She seems to like it over here, Mary. Reminds her of her childhood in England. Reminds me what happiness was before I met her.

      God bless.



God bless you.