Thursday, 25 July 2013

The sayings of Aunt Gertrude

My Australian Aunt Gertrude is a no-nonsense lady who says it as it is and it doesn’t matter who she upsets in the process.

Make no mistake; she is a sweet and gentle old lady with a heart of gold which she hides very well in case you would think kindly of her. Having faced hard-times in Australia and survived many difficulties and heart-aches she has built a granite-like fa├žade which perhaps is often misunderstood by those who don’t know her well.

Since she’s been holidaying with us I can truly say that I have aged at least a hundred years; especially when having to put up with her grating Australian accent which sounds like a duck-billed platypus being run over by a lawn mower. Not to mention her various meaningless catch phrases uttered to all and sundry with no rhyme or reason … or even sense.

My favorite is “When you’re in the bush with no dunny the trees are further apart!” I’m not sure what it means but I think it’s when things are bad they seem worse than they are.

If ever the world runs out of wisdom I’m sure we can all turn to Aunt Gertrude to replenish our waning stocks once again.

Whilst watching the news the other day about a seemingly irresolvable world problem Auntie suggested that the best way forward is to “put them fellas in a room with a large dose of laxative and don’t let them out until they solve it!”

Yep … that should do it according to Gertrude.

If only all problems could be solved with a dose of laxative.

On another occasion whilst watching a politician on TV she said “I wouldn’t vote for him. He has a face that even his mother would disown any credit for!”

We laughed of course but said that the man isn’t really that bad looking. She replied “The difference between a kangaroo and a wallaby is in the eyes of the beholder!”

On another occasion, whilst watching a singer on TV, Auntie said “She sings like a kookaburra with its tail on fire!”

But her worst insult was delivered to the cashier at the supermarket who, whilst pricing our goods, picked up some loose courgettes, put them on the scales, and asked “Are these cucumbers!”

Without batting an eyelid, Auntie replied “Do you need a University Degree in Ignorance for this job?”

I don’t know what was funnier, her reply or the grating Australian accent it was delivered in. Anyway … the cashier didn’t understand because he replied that they need no qualifications for a cashier’s job; and she could pick up an Application Form from Customer Services Desk.

Perhaps he understood her all right!!!

Good old Auntie Gertrude. She spreads chaos and mayhem wherever she goes; but we like her. Just about!


  1. She is quite a character. Irreverent and funny.

    I really enjoy reading her stories. Keep up the good work!


    Jose D. Pinell.

    1. Thank you Jose for your support and encouragement. I'm so glad you enjoy my writings.

      May God bless you always.

  2. Wonderful tales of Aunt Gertrude. what she said to the cashier was priceless. How often would we all like to get away with a question like that?

    1. It was priceless Barbara, and said with a straight face too.

      God bless you.

  3. A great character, I love the cashier story. God bless!

    1. She is a great character indeed.

      God bless you Colleen.

  4. These Gertrudisms are hilarious, Victor! Her remark to the cashier was so funny!

  5. Let me rephrase that:

    rude...but funny ;)

    You could place a gag over her mouth before you take her out you know. Just tell her there is a serious virus going around that's dangerous for loud-mouthed Australians. (Good thing Vicky isn't here to see my comment ;)

    1. Hi Mary,

      Great to see you here again. Hope you and yours are keeping well.

      Yes, she is sometimes rude but doesn't mean it really. It just happens, I suppose. More of Aunt Gertrude here soon.

      God bless.

  6. Shame, shame for laughing at Aunt Gertrude's comments! I am still in stitches however myself, mea culpa!
    Odd is it not,the expressions some of us have...Being an ex-Pat, I know what you mean! Still learning the lingo after decades!
    Thanks for sharing a few hilarious comments (which I cannot wait to share with ex-RAF hubby!)
    Glad I stumbled on your blog and Blessings to you and yours,

    1. Hi Noelle,

      It's great to see you visiting me here. Thanx. I'm so glad you enjoyed my story about Aunt Gertrude who is visiting us from Australia. There are plenty more stories about Aunt Gertrude here fro you to read. Just click the button on the top of this Blog marked "Giggles and Fun" then ... towards the end ... there's a number of stories starting with "Aunt Gertrude".

      Please tell others about this Blog. And don't forget to download my FREE E Books. See link at top left of this Blog.

      God bless you and yours.



God bless you.