Monday, 9 June 2014

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

It's been a while since I communicated with you and shared my deepest feelings and inner thoughts. In all truth, a lot has been happening lately and I feel rather melancholy. I have this heavy weight on my heart which makes me rather sad.

Perhaps I should not have had so much ravioli. I pride myself in always having a well-balanced meal. Ravioli for starters. Ravioli for the main meal. And ravioli for dessert. Perhaps it was the honey on that last plate of ravioli which did it for me!

Anyway, on Monday I did some gardening and fell off the ladder and hurt my foot. I didn't cry so much since that day I lost 20 pence!

But sad and painful as that day was, I mean Monday, as well as that day years ago when I lost 20 pence, Tuesday was much much worse.

On Tuesday I got mugged on my way back from the newsagent. They had delivered the paper in the morning as usual but I noticed that on page six the corner of the page was torn a little. Not much of a tear, about an inch, but enough to make the paper damaged as opposed to new. So I went to the newsagent for another copy of the paper.

On my way back home a young man pointed a plastic knife at me and said "Your money or your life!" It took me a couple of minutes or so to decide my options. The knife blade was at least two inches long so I decided to give him my money. I gave him all I had on me - 60 pence.

When the man ran away I went to the police station and reported the mugging. They asked me for a description and I said the 50 pence coin was dated 2006 and the 10 pence coin was 2008.They still haven't found the money to return to me.

On Wednesday evening there were a lot of birds chirping and settling for the night in the trees in our back garden. It was wonderful to hear and see it all. I called the Mrs to come and see. She said she was busy but eventually came out in the garden with her hair in curlers and her face all creamed up; you know, a white cream to make skin soft or something. She was quite a sight. The cat got frightened and rushed up the tree. The dog, for some reason, barked and then bit my leg.

The sight of the Mrs with cream on her face had quite an effect on the birds. The next day they returned all the seeds they had taken from our garden the previous years. She must have frightened them to death!

I'm glad Dear Diary that no one reads you except me. The things I write here ... Actually, I tell you a secret. I keep two diaries. You and a decoy one I leave lying around in case it is read. In it I say kind things like how nice the green dress she bought looks; even though it is hideous.

On Thursday our goldfish in the tank in the living room died. I grilled him and had him on toast with tomato ketchup. Afterwards the family said they wanted to bury him in the garden. I quickly produced a small box filled with sand which we ceremoniously buried. I said the farewell prayers: "Wherever you are Toby. May you digest in peace." I was asked what digest means. I said it was like saying "Earth to earth and dust to dust".

By the way, I had stomach ache that evening.

On Friday at work we had a new receptionist join us. Her name is Matilda. I welcomed her and congratulated her on her pregnancy. A few minutes later I saw her cry and some women were with her consoling her.

My manager told me that she is rotund by nature, and not pregnant. I asked: "Are you sure?"

After my Friday's faux-pas, I decided to go to Confession on Saturday. I arrived a little late and noticed Father get out of the confessional quickly and hurry into the Sacristy. I'm sure he'd seen me, but he pretended not to. I followed him into the Sacristy and asked to go to Confession. He said if it is the same sins as last week he'd give me absolution there and then. I explained that this was a new sin; never sinned before, and that I needed to go to Confession. He said: "All right ... if you must!" and he sat down in the Sacristy and asked me what was on my mind. I told him about the pregnancy that never was and he said: "Oh just that ... OK ... you're absolved!"

Today is Sunday and I've had three courses of ravioli. I suppose this is greedy. I'll confess it next week.

That's all for now Diary.


  1. Hi Victor! I made a comment and I think it didn't load? I'll try again. Please erase it if you have my previous one.

    I can't understand why you don't have your money back. You had such a perfect description of it! And I love the idea of two journals. Please, always tell your wife she looks beautiful (because I'm sure she does), and fire away in a secret journal. saves a lot of hurt feelings!

    My husband is Italian and really loves ravioli. I think he'd take a pass on the goldfish, but would join you always for pasta. And...I wish I had your priest. Quick reconciliation...gotta love that. Wonder why he ran way from you? Hmmm...

    Love it here as always my friend :)

    1. Hi Ceil,

      I'll check why your comment did not load. It sometimes does that for me too.

      When I gave the police the description of the money they said it was the mugger's description they wanted. I don't know why. I want my money back not the mugger !!!

      I keep two diaries in the hope that no one reads this one on this blog. And I do say nice things in the decoy diary (even though I hate brocolli every week!)

      I think God must be Italian - they have good food, good wine, good weather, good music. What does your husband think?

      My priest always hides from me when I go to confession. I'll tell more in my next diary entry next week.

      God bless you and yours Ceil.



God bless you.

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