RIDERE AD VITAM
As my regular readers will know, both of them, I often post humourous articles on here. They attract new readers world-wide who are looking for jokes, or something funny on their search engine. They are all welcome here, and hopefully, they will spend some time reading the more serious articles I post and get to know about Christ.
The source for my articles seem to be from nowhere. Sometimes, just out of the blue, some thoughts come into my mind for a story or a short joke or two. At other times it is just a one-liner funny thought that amuses me at the time and I have to remember it until it is convenient to write it down. Often the thoughts come so fast and quick that I have difficulty remembering them all.
So I've decided to park all my recent thoughts here for now, and I shall be using them later on in some of my stories. Please promise not to read them otherwise you will have spoilt the joke should I use it later.
Mom ... mom ... I think I'm pregnant.
Are you sure the baby is yours?
***What shall we call the baby?
We should call her after one of the grandparents. Either Denise or Clarissa.
But I don't like the name Denise. It's so old fashioned.
Yes, I agree. And Clarissa too, it is so not today.
Well ... what shall we call the baby then?
We'll call her Nana ... she'll grow into it.
Quick ... Stop the funeral!
***A man sitting in a library reads the births and deaths statistics. After a few minutes he whispers to the person next to him: “Do you realise, every time I breathe in and out someone dies”. The other man replies: “Try a better mouthwash”.
***A woman was admitted to hospital with two burnt ears. Apparently she answered the phone whilst she was ironing. The doctor asked her how she burnt the second ear. She replied that it happened when she phoned for an ambulance.
***The party was very successful and everyone was rather drunk. One of the guests approaches the hostess and slurs: “Do lemons have feathers?” She says no. “In that case I must have squeezed the canary in my drink”.
***Postman: Is this letter for you sir? The name's obliterated.
Man: No, my name's Peterson.
***Mother: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt".
Daughter: "What happened to the flea?"
***A man takes his dog to the vet and asks "Have you got something to cure fleas?"
"That depends" says the vet, "what's wrong with the fleas?"
Hey don't bring the dog in the house; it's full of fleas.
Thanks for telling me. I wouldn't want to bring the dog in a house full of fleas!
***Archaeologists make the best marriage partners. The older you get the more interested they are in you!
***In a survey conducted in London 95% of respondents said "I don't know". They were asked "What is the meaning of Je ne sais pas."
***A man was told by his doctor to avoid all dampness because of his arthritis. He now sits in the bath and vacuum cleans himself.
***When I die, I hope to do so quietly in a bed surrounded by my loved ones. Not like my uncle. He died with a lot of people shouting and screaming all around him as he drove the bus over the hill.
***My neighbour is such a hypochondriac when he dies they'll bury him next to a doctor.
***I went to see my doctor the other day. The poor man was ill, and it's nice to visit the sick, isn't it?
***Whilst I was in hospital they took a full head to toe X ray of me. They showed me the photo. It was strange. I don't remember eating all those bones!
***Binoculars is in the plural. The singular of binoculars is telescope.
OK ... who's there?
Werzie? Werzie who?
Werzie heck all those mosquitoes coming from?
***I took my first girl-friend to a French restaurant. She had frogs' legs. But the rest of her body was pretty.