Uncle Herbert came to visit us the other day.
He’s a lovely old gentleman much liked by the whole family for his kindness and
extreme generosity.
He always arrives laden with gifts for everyone
and I must admit to looking forward to my large bottle of vintage single malt
whisky every time he visits.
He certainly is an expert at choosing great
gifts that we can all love and appreciate, Uncle Herbert is. Anything from
something decorative or useful for the house to lovely toys and various presents
for the children!
All are received gratefully with open arms … as
well as Uncle Herbert himself of course. If there’s any spare space available
in our open arms he is received gratefully there too.
Even the lazy dog lying on the mat opposite the
TV reacts to Uncle Herbert’s arrival. He looks up … yawns … and
goes back to sleep.
The cat of course hurries in the corner of the
room and consults his book of tricks to see how he can embarrass me in my own
home in front of my own family and friends.
Oh what a lovely meal we had last Sunday when
Uncle Herbert called.
The best steak that money can buy, all sorts of
roast vegetables, with Yorkshire pudding, gravy and all the trimmings. All
washed down with fine wine (and orange juice for the kids) followed by a
steamed plum pudding with custard and a glass or two of port – just to
celebrate you understand.
After such a sumptuous meal the rest of the
family decided to go out to the park for a walk to help the digestion … and I
was left alone with Uncle Herbert.
He settled in front of the TV in his favorite
armchair and pretty soon he felt the effects of the food and drink and followed
the lazy dog into the land of nod.
I sat on the settee for a while relaxing and
pretty soon the conniving cat was up to his tricks again. He jumped on the back
of the armchair just behind Uncle Herbert and gently tried to paw his head
whilst he was asleep.
I should mention at this point that Uncle
Herbert wears a wig. It’s pretty obvious to anyone I think except himself. He’s
obviously self-conscious about his bald head and prefers to cover it with some
falsies instead …
Hey, why not. If it makes him happy why should
we interfere?
Sensing a potential disaster with the cat
standing just behind Uncle Herbert’s head I quickly, but silently, tried to
entice him away with a morsel of food from the dinner table.
Eventually, the cat moved away and I cleared
the dinner table and went to the kitchen to wash the dishes, leaving Uncle
Herbert and the dog fast asleep.
Half an hour later when I’d finished washing up
I returned to the living room to find Uncle Herbert still asleep in the
armchair minus the wig.
What could have happened … I panicked. Surely
the cat did not take it away without waking Uncle Herbert!
I searched everywhere for the missing wig.
First behind the armchair … pretty obvious place. Then on either side of the
sleeping man in case the wig fell by his side. Then … as usually happens in
these circumstances … I widened the search area.
They say when you’re looking for something it
will always be in the last place you think of looking … again, pretty obvious …
because once you’ve looked there and found it, then it will be the last place
and you’d stop looking. The thing is … where is this last place where the wig
is supposed to be?
It was one of those quick and frantic searches
yet carried out very quietly because I did not want to wake sleeping Uncle
Herbert. It had to be done hurriedly before the children came back from the
park and discovered that their uncle had detachable hair.
I prayed to St Anthony to help me find the
missing article, but the Saint must have been busy with something else that day
because the wig was no where to be found.
A cold sweat covered my forehead and trickled
silently into my eyes. My heart was pounding in my chest like a drum sending my
blood pressure to new highs.
Think … think … think … where else could it be?
I even looked in the fridge and in the washing machine … although why it should
be there is beyond anyone’s imagination. But when I panic … I really panic …
I’m expert at it.
And panic makes you do stupid things … like go
out in the back garden hoping for inspiration … or just to escape from being
inside where all the panic is.
How could I possibly explain to Uncle Herbert
that his wig had disappeared?
What if the family came back and the children
asked him if he'd shaved his head as a fashion statement? Do you think he'd be
angry enough to want his whisky back?
Questions ... questions and more questions ran
through my mind as I stepped into the garden for inspiration.
Just as well I went out because that’s exactly
where the wig was … right in the middle of the garden. That wretched cat will
be the end of me one day …
I can read it in the Medical Journal already …
heart attack induced by family cat!
I picked up the wig which was by now covered in
dirt and cat’s saliva. How do you clean a wig? Anyone know? More questions.
I can’t put it in the washing machine … the
spin dryer would turn Uncle Herbert into a curly head.
I can’t vacuum clean it … it would get sucked
up in the machine and transformed into a mop.
I can’t beat it hard against the wall to knock
off the dirt … it would probably moult and lose or shed hair … and poor bald
Uncle Herbert would have a bald wig to cover his bald head.
I rubbed my hand across the wig gently and
slowly wiped away the cat’s saliva with a clean cloth. I then tiptoed into the
living room and tried to replace the hair-piece onto its rightful place … one
problem … which way is forward and which way is backwards … it all looked the
same to me.
I gently let it drop on Uncle Herbert’s head
and quickly sat on the settee pretending to be asleep just as he woke up and
straightened his wig to its pre-destined position without any care or notice.
NOW IN PAPER BACK
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BANISH the dreadful cat!!!
ReplyDeleteBut the meal--straight out of a Jane Austen novel!!
Blessings!
You are SO RIGHT Lulu. The meal was from a Jane Austen novel. We ate pages 29 to 37.
DeleteWhy is it when we buy cookery books the meals we make never look like the photos in the book? The meals I make are usually dark brown or black, smell of burning and are enjoyed by the dog.
God bless.
Ha! I remember that story. You know, I think my son is following in your footsteps. He's becoming a jokerster just like you. See here.
ReplyDeletehttp://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/2016/04/matthew-monday-jokester.html
;)
Well done Matthew.
DeleteGod bless you and your parents.
You are a master storyteller, Victor!
ReplyDeleteThank you Linda. I hope you enjoy the book. Paperback, Kindle or FREE download www.holyvisions.uk
DeleteGod bless.
Oh, my! This was hilarious! You have such a gift. I just took the time to listen to your video above called "This Man" It was very moving. And, I finally just got to order two of your books! I can't wait to read them. I ordered "God's Shepherd" and "Visions". When I have time, I want to download your free books, also. So very blessed to visit with you tonight. May God richly bless you, in return! And so thankful Uncle Herbert's wig is back in its rightful place! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Cheryl for your kind words. I recorded "This Man" sometime ago as a post here, then decided to keep it permanent on the right margin.
Delete"Visions" was my first book. I then wrote a number of short stories featuring Father Ignatius, a character from "Visions". "God's Shepherd" is a compilation of my favourite stories. I hope you enjoy my writings. Please let me know what you think when you've read them.
It's great that we have met on the Internet.
God bless you and your family.
Your uncle sounds like a delight. Have a grand weekend!
ReplyDeleteThank you Cathy. I hope you have a splendid time.
DeleteGod bless.
Now THAT was a hairy situation! ;) God Bless you!
ReplyDeleteIt really was, Michael.
DeleteGod bless.