Monday, 21 May 2018

Wot Oh Old Boy! Vanished.




I got dressed as quickly as I could and went  downstairs to the dining room as instructed by Sir Ivor Status. Everyone was there, including the staff of this great stately home. With two notable exceptions. Hair-Cool Carro and Miss Maple Syrup were missing.

Sir Ivor spoke first.

"It seems that Monsieur Hair-Cool Carro and Miss Maple Syrup have vanished," he said.

"Vanished?" asked Claudia Armoff, "Oh poor Hair-Cool. Where is he do you think?"

"We do not know," replied Sir Ivor, "when our dear housekeeper, Matilda, went to wake him up, as he had asked the night before, she got no response when she knocked on the door. She knocked again and again. Eventually, she used the master key to unlock the door.

"Obviously, as propriety would have it, she closed her eyes as she entered the room in case she observed Monsieur Hair-Cool in a state of undress. Unfortunately she tripped over his suitcase and knocked herself out as she hit the floor. She remained there unconscious until the butler, Hugo Snob, went looking for her and found her on the ground. He tried to lift her and did his back in.

"This accounts for his difficulty in walking this morning, and for the bruise on Matilda's forehead!"

"What about Miss Maple Syrup?" asked Varicose Vain.

"That too is a sticky situation," said Sir Ivor, "Hugo and Matilda, holding on to each other, then knocked next door on Miss Maple's room. There was no answer. They used the master key to open the door. This time they kept their eyes wide open in case they both tripped over her luggage. But there was no luggage and no Miss Maple Syrup. She has vanished too."

"Has anyone phoned the police?" asked the music impresario Walter Dumnote.

"That's another problem," replied Sir Ivor, "none of the phones work. It seems the storm we had last night must have cut off the line."

"How about driving to town?" he asked, "I'll do it ..."

"No point in that," said Sir Ivor, "our chauffeur Otter Gas has already tried. The storm and subsequent flood have destroyed the bridge and the river has burst its banks. There is no way of leaving this island, not for now at least!"

At this point there should be some dramatic ominous music in the background. But there was no one to play the piano. 

"So ... so ... we are marooned in this house?" said Walter Dumnote dropping his monocle once again, "we're doomed. We are all going to die. One by one. I have read all about it in murder mystery books ... I don't want to die. Not today."

"Now there's no need for any talk like that," reprimanded Sir Ivor, "no one is going to die today. Or any other day for that matter!"

"We are all going to die, some day," said the actress Varicose Vain, "but not until I win an Oscar for 'The importance of being stupid'. It's had great reviews you know."

"Yes I'm sure it has. Especially with the great expose your low cut dresses reveal," retorted Claudia Armoff cattily.

"At least I don't wear such short skirts showing off my undies!" hissed the actress.

"I wouldn't either if I were called Varicose Vain," snapped Claudia.

"Ladies ... ladies ... let's calm down, shall we. We need to start a thorough search of the house and the surrounding gardens. Maybe the missing guests are still here," said Sir Ivor, then looking at me he added, "any ideas my friend?"

I stammered and asked, "Is there a turnstile bookcase in the library?"

"Whatever for?" he asked.

"There is always a turnstile bookcase in the library in houses like these," I said, "they build the bookcase first, then build the whole house around it. The bookcase hides a secret passage leading to a tunnel, leading to outside somehow. Sometimes it leads to an underground cave or dungeon where people have been imprisoned and tortured. Usually there is a panel in the library that unlocks the turnstile bookcase which turns round and you enter the passage behind it!"

"Well I've never heard of anything like this in this house," said Sir Ivor, "have you dear?" he asked his wife.

She shook her head silently.

At this point a man with his clothes covered in blood entered the room. He was carrying a long knife in his hand.

"Ah ... this is our cook," said Sir Ivor, "Etan Roadkill. I have asked him to join us to shed a little light on our mystery."

Etan looked at me, and assuming I was from the police, seeing he knew everyone else except me, said in a very un-understandable accent, "Ierd 'im vegerian I herd. Nowt eten tatoes nay ther. Eye no git scargo. Plenty toads in moat if e catchin em!"

"I did not understand a word you said," I replied, " you should come with subtitles!"

"Let me explain," helped Sir Ivor, "Etan said that he was told that Hair-Cool Carro is a vegetarian, and had refused to eat the potatoes roasted in goose fat. Had he known in advance, he would have caught a few snails which are a French delicacy, I understand, or indeed some frogs from the moat!"

"I see," I replied, "so where do we go from here?"

I suggest we split into groups of two and start the search," said Sir Ivor, "I will go with Varicose Vain, you dear wife go with Walter Dumnote, Sheila Flirt with Otter Gas, Hugo Snob with Matilda Curtsy, Earnest Deadwood with Etan Roadkill, and you my dear fellow, (pointing at me) with my sister Claudia."

Little did he know, or did he indeed know more than he was letting on, he divided the pairs of groups into people who had amorous intentions towards each other. Except, of course for me and Claudia, whose attentions were mostly towards the missing Hair-Cool.

Although ... ... ...  why was she knocking so keenly on my bedroom door the night before? Had she turned her attentions towards me? Having perhaps disposed of Hair-Cool who had spurned her amorous advances? Had she also got rid of Miss Maple Syrup who came to a sticky end because she witnessed the disappearance of Hair-Cool Carro?

Insert dramatic ominous music if there is a piano to hand.



  1. I am hearing that dramatic ominous music in my head, since there is no piano here...

    1. Yes Terri. I am hearing it too and wondering what I shall write next. This is an odd experience writing a post and not knowing how I shall follow it with another story.

      God bless. Thanx for your continued support.

  2. Etan Roadkill - Lol! I think that's the funniest name yet, especially for an American Southerner where jokes about eating roadkill abound.
    Keep the suspense coming, Victor!

    1. Glad you enjoyed meeting Etan Roadkill, Martha.

      I am scratching my head wondering how this story will develop yet.

      God bless you and yours.

  3. The mystery deepens and the music gets louder. I'm enjoying this story, Victor. :)

    1. I really appreciate your support, Bill. It is people like you who keep me writing. Thank you so much.

      God bless you, my friend.

  4. Ominous music? We should, perhaps, consult an expert - blog friend Jon. As the title of his blog suggests, he is indeed a Lone Wolf Concerto.

    1. We certainly need some ominous music, Mevely. It will give me time to think what to write next.

      Another episode on its way here soon.

      God bless.

  5. Hello Victor, Oh my … so many smiles. The names are a blast … “our chauffeur Otter Gas” … gotta love that one! :-) Looking forward to the next segment. Thank you for sharing. Blessings to you and take good care. John

    1. It's great to see you visiting here John. Thanx.

      I am so pleased you are enjoying this story which is developing as it is written. I target myself to write a new episode every day or so; and I don't even know or have a plan on what I am going to write next. So I'm just as surprised as to how the story develops.

      God bless.

  6. Replies
    1. Yes indeed, Happyone.

      I can't wait for the next episode.

      God bless.



God bless you.