Friday, 8 March 2019

Space - The Final Front Ear


SPACE - THE FINAL FRONT EAR
THAT'S BETTER

I often write about humorous situations which happened to me which I suspect amuse you no end at my expense.

This time however it is different. This is a very serious and true story.

I was yesterday evening abducted by aliens from outer space. It happened just like in all the stories you hear and read about alien abductions. Usually you don’t believe such stories and you suspect they’re all made up. Well. For me reality actually happened. I saw a UFO and I was abducted by its occupants.

I can imagine a few of you sniggering already, but I wish you wouldn’t, because I have not quite recovered from this horrendous and frightening experience.

I was out in our garden at about midnight, having finished viewing a movie on TV, and I was there counting the stars, as I usually do whilst the dog does his last business for the night.

I had counted up to 976 when suddenly; out of nowhere, there was this huge cigar shaped thing up in the sky, about 30 or so feet above me. It was just above the height of our house. Suspended in mid-air and making a humming sound like an over-filled vacuum cleaner trying to suck in a plate of pasta off the carpet.

It was glowing red at first, then an orangey colour, then it turned green, and then after a while it turned red again. It took me a while before I realised it was the reflection of the traffic lights nearby.

The dog didn’t seem to have seen it and continued sniffing around as he often does.

Then a little white aperture appeared on the underside of the spaceship; like some door opening. Then a light from the aperture shone on me, like the spotlight you get in the theatre when it shines on a performer on stage. It reminded me of my days when I used to be on stage all those years ago. But it was different.

This time I was very frightened. I was so overwhelmed by it all that I had tears running down my legs.

I felt myself rise up from the ground, as if I was being lifted gently by my whole body. Not like having a belt tied to your waist or a harness on your chest and shoulders; there seemed no upward lifting pressure on my body whatsoever. I was just floating gently upwards, all by myself. No effort whatsoever. Floating upwards like an angel.

It lasted a few seconds and then I was inside this large room with bright lights everywhere.

There was a large desk with a diminutive space-like humanoid-type creature sitting on a chair behind it. I wondered why such a small man needed such a large desk. He must have read my mind because he said, "It was reduced in price at Spacekia!"

I was about to speak when he interrupted, "Welcome on board. Do not be frightened. We have brought you here for an inter-planetary chat so that we may get to know each other. We have been observing you for a long time and quite frankly, we are not at all impressed by your behaviour!"

"Me?" I uttered in semi-silence, " what have I done to upset you?"

"Not you personally," he continued, "we have been observing your human race. The way you behave. Fighting each other. Harming the environment. Abusing the planet and wasting its resources. Polluting the atmosphere. And worse of all ... trying to extend all your destructive influences to other planets and other worlds. We don't want you to open fast food outlets all over the universe and have spacecraft delivering pizzas everywhere within half-an-hour or it's free!"

"But ..." I thought, as he read my mind, "I have been doing my bit for the planet by re-cycling my waste in the right trash bins. And I only have pizza once a week when there's football on TV. Why bring me here?"

"Because we tried your neighbour next door, the famous inter-stellar scientist and physicist who let's face it, is much brighter than you; but he was not in. So we thought we could not waste the whole journey coming here for nothing; so we picked you, the next best thing that was available!" he said calmly.

"But I know nothing of inter-stellar physics and things," I muttered.

"You don't need to. Stupidity can be an asset in the right circumstances," he replied, "just go tell your leaders to stop doing all the bad things I have told you about. Tell them you were brought here on this ship and that we spoke to you and we did not harm you in anyway. Understood?"

"Yes ..." I trembled.

"Good. Now ... would you like a tour of our spaceship?" he smiled.

And as happens in most reported abduction stories, he gave me a tour of the spaceship and I met most of the crew. Like us, they had male and female crew. I recognised them because the latter type had well-developed chests and wore very short skirts. (I know that's a sexist comment; but those space aliens are not as advanced and enlightened as we are).

At the end of the tour, we had a cup of Darjeeling tea and cucumber sandwiches and he suggested we take a group photo with his top team.

“You’ll be able to show these to your leaders,” he said. “You humans never believe that we exist unless you have well developed photos to prove it. Well this time you’ll have all the proof you need.”

We said our goodbyes, and the next thing I was in my garden, and the spaceship disappeared.

I rushed to the authorities and told them what happened. They did not believe me.

I pulled out the photos out of my pocket. Those clever aliens had magically turned them into square pieces of toilet paper.

I have a sneaking suspicion that you don’t believe me either!

22 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. I guess you do not believe me, Regina.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  2. What's not to believe? (*smile*) No matter its origin, I enjoyed your 'friends' message!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They were true, Mevely. As true as I imagined them.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  3. Stupidity can be asset in the right circumstances.

    Oy.

    Vey.

    That is so (awkwardly) true!

    ""Not you personally," he continued, "we have been observing your human race. The way you behave. Fighting each other. Harming the environment. Abusing the planet and wasting its resources. Polluting the atmosphere. And worse of all ... trying to extend all your destructive influences to other planets and other worlds."

    I like to think of myself as enlightened and kind, but this makes me want to punch him right in the kisser! ;-)

    So, what do you think? Are there aliens?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Sandi,

      I am so glad you liked my comment about stupidity. It is one of my favourite quotes. I often like to quote myself; it adds a certain je ne sais quoi to my conversation. Although I don't know what it means.

      I think the alien was trying to point out how we are ruining the planet. He must have been from an environmentalist race somewhere out there.

      Of course there are aliens. The ones I met had the power and technology to turn photographs into toilet paper. We humans can't do that ... yet!

      God bless you. Keep smiling.

      Delete
  4. I've always wanted to be able to fly---floating would be the next best thing! WHAT AN IMAGINATION!
    Blessings, Victor!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was amazing, Lulu, being uplifted and floating upwards. The last time I felt like this was after a few whiskies and Guinness.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  5. It would !be interesting to float around. Humans would probably ruin it like everything else. :) Funny story, Victor

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We would need traffic lights in mid-air to stop us bumping into each other. Do you think they have traffic lights in Heaven to stop Angels flying into each other at speed?

      God bless you, Bill.

      Delete
  6. The aliens did have a great message, Victor. Too bad the photo turned out to be a flimsy piece of toilet paper - lol! As always, funny and entertaining.
    Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I suppose I agree with their message, Martha. Can you imagine us having deliveries of pizzas and other foods throughout the Galaxy? How would we keep the food hot, and deliver it within half-an-hour.

      I understand distances are measured in light years, (not heavy ones). By the time the pizza is delivered it would be the person's great great grandson who would receive delivery.

      God bless.

      Delete
  7. I do believe in fairies! I do! I do!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Stupidity can be an asset in the right circumstances... That really made me laugh, Victor. Too true!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so glad you liked my favourite quote, Terri. Keep laughing. Tell others to visit here for a laugh too.

      God bless.

      Delete
  9. Silly me, and I thought you really were going to be serious. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am serious, Happyone. Truly I am. I was abducted by aliens on a red, orange and green spaceship.

      God bless.

      Delete
  10. I had a friend who claimed to have been abducted twice. She did not make a big deal of it, did not advertise it or even tell many people...seemed sincere and was otherwise normal in every way...My son claims to have seen a saucer along with several others who saw the same thing...very close up. He no longer talks of it. I don't know what to believe, but i also do not know what to disbelieve.

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    Replies
    1. Seriously speaking ... I too don't know what to believe or not believe, JoeH.

      God bless you and yours.

      Delete
  11. Replies
    1. Thank you, Brian. It's all true, you know.

      God bless.

      Delete

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