The Reindeer has landed

TV ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this episode of Downton Abbey to bring you a very important breaking news story. Let me introduce Mr Ivor Sorebottom, a senior top Government Spokesman ... Spokesperson!

IVOR SOREBOTTOM: Hello. I have been asked to advise you that creatures from outer space have landed on earth. There is no need to panic ... don't panic ... DON'T PANIIIIC!!! Remain seated where you are and listen carefully. Creatures from outer-space have landed and have made contact with us.

TV ANNOUNCER: You ... you mean you spoke to them?

IVOR: Yes we have. We met in a secret Government location. We shared a cup of tea and cucumber sandwiches. And it was agreed that we should allow them an opportunity to address the nation and the world. Let me introduce you to Mr ... ehm ... I mean Ambassador Ivan Itch from the planet Scratchit in the beyond our solar system.

Ivan Itch enters and sits next to Ivor Sorebottom.

TV ANNOUNCER: Ehm ... hello Mr Itch ... I mean Ambassador Itch. You are from the planet Scratchit are you?

IVAN: That is correct.

TV ANNOUNCER: But ... but you look very much like us. You look human. Apart from the fact that you have antlers on your head and hooves instead of hands.

IVAN: That is part of our disguise. We landed on earth several years ago and have been observing and studying you and your human behaviours. We landed in Scotland and we thought the best disguise is to appear like reindeer and blend with the surroundings. We are shape-shifters you know.

TV ANNOUNCER: Not much of a shape-shifter if you've now shifted into a human form but you still have antlers. Somewhere to hang your hat, I suppose!

IVAN: Are you mocking me?

TV ANNOUNCER: No, of course not. This would be above my pay grade ... I notice that you speak in perfect English. I would have thought you'd be speaking in some Klingon type language that we would not understand. You know ... like in Star Trek.

IVAN: Och aye ... ye ken. When we landed, at first our ack cent was a lot more Sco'ish ye understand? But then we couldna understand each other, ye see?

TV ANNOUNCER: So you adapted to the proper English accent?

IVAN: No ... I am speaking to you now in my native language which is Scratchitian ... Fortunately for you humans it sounds very much like English. We waited for years hoping you'd learn our language. Then we decided it would be quicker if we learnt yours. So we borrowed a dictionary from the local library and learnt how to speak in your language.

TV ANNOUNCER: Normally on TV programs when aliens land on earth they abduct one of our species and dissect them to see how they work. Then they put them back together again and give them a tour of the space ship? Will you be doing that to us humans?

IVAN: My ... my what an intellect you have. It is as deep as the shallow end of a swimming pool!

TV ANNOUNCER: Are you mocking me?

IVAN: No ... merely observing a fact within my pay grade!

TV ANNOUNCER: Anyway, what do you want here on earth? Why don't you go back to your own planet?

IVAN: We want peaceful coexistence.

TV ANNOUNCER: What if we refuse?

IVAN: We have special powers of persuasion known as telekinetic.

TV ANNOUNCER: Telekinetic? What's that? Another TV Reality Show?

IVAN: It is the ability to move objects using only the power of the mind.

TV ANNOUNCER: What nonsense. I've a good mind to move you out of the studio. How did you develop such powers anyway?

IVAN: We started by sitting round in a circle and staring at a small feather on a table. In time, it moved by itself a couple of inches.

TV ANNOUNCER: Yeh? Total BS ... someone could have blown on it! By the way ... BS is an English abbreviation for ...

IVAN: I know what your abbreviation means ... and this had nothing to do with bovine output ... No one blew on the feather. We tried again with a dead dry leaf, then an empty potato chips packet. And they moved too. Now we have the power to move anything by just thinking about it. Including people.

TV ANNOUNCER: Oh yeh? BS to that ... I bet you could not move me from this chair. I'll hold tight to it; now try to move me.

IVAN: Let's think hard about this. Are you comfortable? Or do you feel a slight pain in your tummy? Getting stronger ... stronger ... even more so ... you need to go to the toilet ... no use fighting it ... you'd better go ... come on ... move!

TV ANNOUNCER: ALL RIGHT ... ALL RIGHT ... You've convinced me ... now stop it.

IVAN: It is stopped. But you see, it is a very persuasive ability of ours. Ask Mr Ivor Sorebottom here. He tried to resist us. Unsuccessfully I might add. And if you humans will resist us we will make you all go to the toilet. There just aren't enough toilets in the world for all of you. You'd be up to your necks in ...

TV ANNOUNCER: OK ... OK ... I get it ... this is still a family show, you know! What have world leaders decided about this? About you and your fellow Scratchit type reindeers being amongst us?

IVAN: They have decided that we can live peacefully together as long as you lot stop eating venison ... that is reindeer meat ... Oooops ... what a give-away ... I shouldn't have said that ... forget I said this last thing ... scratch it from your live TV program ... I never said it ... I ... I ... I have just received a telepathetic message from from our leader ... It seems we are to leave your planet quickly and go home never to return again ... ... ... ... ...