next morning when King Arthur and his Knights woke up deep in the forest,
beyond the river that never flows, not far from the rose bushes that never
flower and the toilet that never flushes … anyway … just as they woke up they
were in for a big surprise.
The King had a chameleon attached to his leg. At first no one noticed it, not even the King, because it was well camouflaged. The chameleon, not the leg.
It just looked a bit over-inflated. The leg, not the chameleon.
And it made it difficult to walk. The leg … not the chameleon.
over-inflated leg because of the chameleon attached to it which was well
camouflaged made it difficult to walk. The King moved his good leg forwards a
few inches, then dragged the other leg with a heavy chameleon attached to it
forward towards the good leg.
This kind of walking never caught on as a dance but it inspired many movies with zombies walking slowly dragging a leg behind them. King Arthur was well before his time, it seems. You could say he was not appreciated in his own time. In fact he was not appreciated at all. Except by Merlin, his trusted servant and secret protector.
I need you to concentrate from here on, as this story might get a bit complicated. By the way, I once stared at a carton of drink for half-an-hour because it said on the side: Orange Concentrate. But I digress. Something which I am wont to do when I’m confused.
So, to recap, the King woke up with a well-camouflaged chameleon attached to his leg which made it difficult to walk because the leg seemed over-inflated compared to the other leg which was not over-inflated because it did not have a chameleon attached to it.
“I’ll soon cut it off!” shouted Sir Cutlass-the-Blunt raising his sword up in the air.
“NO … Wait …” shouted the King in a panic, “the chameleon might see you and move!”
“That’s true, you might miss the chameleon,” said Sir Wise-the-Learned, “and a King with one leg can’t put his foot down. He’ll be known as the Flamingo of Camelot!”
“What if I shoot it with my cross-bow?” asked Sir Shaking Steven. (You didn’t know there was such a Knight in Camelot – did you?)
“What if you miss?” growled the King in anger and in pain, “and you hit something else altogether?”
“What shall we do?” asked Sir Cumfusion.
“I suggest we do nothing, Sire,” said Merlin as he approached the King meekly, “I have read about this creature in Olden Books in the Ancient Library, just by the marketplace in Camelot, near the armoury and the General Store selling all manner of spices and herbs and things!”
“All right … all right …” shouted the King, “as you are telling us every detail of where you read about this creature, as if you were an as not-yet-invented satellite navigation system … Merlin … the damn animal is squeezing against my leg and no doubt looking for his next breakfast! What did you find out about this lizard in the books you read?”
“It is the Camouflaged Chameleon of Camelot, Sire,” explained Merlin, “it is a rare magical reptile that lives deep in the forest, beyond the river that never flows, not far from the rose bushes that never flower and the toilet that never flushes.
“It is said, in the Olden Books in the Ancient Library, that to whom the creature attaches itself, that person will be cantankerous towards his servant!”
The King growled and was about to say something when Merlin continued.
“It also said in the Olden Books that whoever has the creature attached to his leg, he will have great fortune, and health, and happiness, he will also have a successful life, he will marry a beautiful and a good wife, he will have a great family and … he will walk with a limp!”
“Does the book say whether I’ll be able to dance the tango?” asked the King.
“No Sire,” replied Merlin, “but it does say it takes two to tango! And you’re already on your way there!”
“What else have you read in the Olden Books about this creature which seems to have a great appetite for an early breakfast?” asked Arthur.
“Well Sire,” hesitated Merlin, “it has a very extensive, rapidly extrudable tongue.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means it can bring its tongue out very quickly, Sire … to catch insects in flight!”
“Well, thankfully there are no flies on me! But I’m concerned at the way it is eyeing my crotch,” said the King, “what else have you read?”
“It has a prehensile tail …” continued Merlin.
“Yes … I can feel it …” said the King cautiously, “anything else?”
“Its eyes are independently mobile, Sire,” said Merlin, “this means they move in different directions backwards and forwards each eye acting alone and not in conjunction with the other. I read in the Olden Books that this means the chameleon can see your past, as well as your present and your future too. It can foretell what is to happen to you in years to come!”
“I wish it could tell me if it will beggar off in the next minute or so,” said Arthur, “I can hardly spend the rest of my life with a chameleon stuck to my leg. What will my Genevieve say about that?”
the moral of this story, (so far), is: Two is company, but three is a bit much,
especially if the third one is a lounge lizard.