Idle thoughts of use to you

 

• Reason for me to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 
• One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS.
• My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
• The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
• I gave up jogging for my health. A woman I know whilst out jogging her thighs kept rubbing together and setting her pantihose on fire.
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
• Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. Sometimes I go upstairs to the bathroom and forget I live in a one storey bungalow. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
• They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen you ... do it and die."
• The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
• I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neck-ties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
• The best way to help an author is by leaving an AMAZON Review.
  
  
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