Close encounter of the spaceship kind

 

I was out in our back garden late at night with our dog. He was running here and there as he usually does. I noticed up above me, about 30 feet or so high, a UFO. It looked like a small plane, the size of a wheelie-bin used for trash. It was some 3 feet long and 18 inches wide. At first I thought it was a toy; but who would be flying a toy at this time of night? And it was not flying. It was standing there in mid-air about 30 feet up. It turned red, and then orange, and then green, and then red again. It took me a while to realise it was the reflection from the traffic lights outside.

Then a light shone on me from the spacecraft and I started to float slowly up in the air. I did not know what was happening to me. How could I possibly fit in a spacecraft so small?

I was suddenly in a room a hundred times the size of the spacecraft. It was well lit. There was a man there who looked like Charlton Heston as Moses in the film The Ten Commandments. He was actually dressed like Moses.

"Are you Moses?" I asked in trepidation.

He smiled as Heston did and replied, "No ... we can take any form that would be recognisable to the people we meet so as not to panic or frighten them."

How accommodating I thought; and I immediately started thinking of Marilyn Monroe, Gina Lollobrigida, Raquel Welch, Brigitte Bardot and any other desirable woman in the hope he'd turn into one of them; but he remained as Charlton Heston. Then, for some unknown reason, I thought of my mother-in-law and nearly had a heart attack.

"You're afraid of her," he said reading my mind.

"It's ... It's that she's everywhere," I stammered, "I sometimes get home from work and find her broomstick in the hall and wish I was still at work!"

"That's what we like about you earthlings," he said, "you have a sense of humour. Remember when you first started experimenting with space travel and you sent up a dog out there? We thought you must be really clever if even your dogs can fly a spaceship!"

I said nothing.

"Joke!" he said smiling again. "Apart from your humour, and one or two other good points, unfortunately overall you earth people are a bad lot. You are obstinate, you think you're always right, you do not forgive easily, you're violent, you settle your differences with wars and killings, you lie, you cheat, you steal, and you break everyone of The Ten Commandments by debating them and re-interpretating them to suit your selfish needs! Need I go on?"

"I ... I ... I'm sorry," I mumbled. I'd never seen Moses so angry even in the film he starred in.

"I didn't mean you personally," he said calming down, "but your whole human race. Although you're not a Saint yourself are you?"

"Is there no hope for us?" I asked hesitantly.

"I am not allowed to tell you," he replied.

And with that I landed with a bump in my back garden and discovered I was sitting on one of my dog's deposits.

Moses sure has a sense of humour!

How to survive Global Warming

 

There's no denying that weather patterns are changing - the question is: Should we be worried about it?

The world has experienced hot temperatures recently. Not  for the first time; although some would claim records have been broken and it's been hotter since records began. 

When was that by the way? When did records begin? 

The thing is, whenever we have some sunny days the usual voices repeat slogans like Global Warming, Climate Change, Melting Ice Caps and warn of all sort of bad things happening at a date so far away that many people don't even care about. 

We are told to stop using fossil fuels. To stop using hair spray, under-arm spray and anywhere else sprays because they release bad things in the atmosphere. To stop using plastics, oil, carbon footprints and whatever else. To stop using the air-conditioner and the barbecue and things that contribute to Global Warming and Melting of the North Pole. 

Someone even suggested we stop using candles the other day because they contribute to all this heat. Can you imagine how many candles are lit in the world at dinner tables, bathrooms, birthday parties, churches and so on?

I wonder how serious the situation really is?  

Instead I often focus on the benefits of this hot weather we've been having and try to adapt to it.

I've noticed for instance that soup takes longer to cool down lately; so you can be more relaxed at your meal and not worry that the soup or other food will get cold. 

I remember once when in Paris I went to an outdoor restaurant - you know the ones - they have tables out on the side-walk and you eat out in the open. I was enjoying a delicious French Onion soup when it started raining. It took me hours to finish my soup!

One way of keeping cool I find is by carrying ice cubes in my trouser pockets. No ... not by themselves ... in a plastic bag. They are refreshing and keep me cool wherever I go. Mind you, it was embarrassing when one of the bags started leaking on the bus the other day. 

Something I don't understand. If it is hot at home and you open the windows does fresh air come in, or does the hot air from outside enter the house and makes it even hotter inside?

And why does it continue to be hot at night when the sun has gone? 

Some people sleep in the nude. Does that really help to cool things down, I wonder? It depends who you're with I suppose.

They say that the type of mattress you have in bed can help to keep you cool. I bought one of those "memory" mattresses and now it is blackmailing me!

I got rid of it and changed the bed for a trampoline; and my wife hit the roof.

So what do you think? Is it serious and we should worry about all this heat, or not? 

Personally, I worry more about aliens from outer-space. More here soon ... ... ...