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Happy 4 July

 

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY

TO ALL OUR READERS

GOD BLESS 

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

 

 

Check out the guitar playing.

 

Roy Orbison performs "Oh, Pretty Woman" backed by Bruce Springsteen, Elvis Costello, James Burton, Glen D. Hardin, Tom Waits, KD Lang, Jackson Browne, Bonnie Raitt, JD Souther, T Bone Burnett, Steven Soles, and Jennifer Warnes.

 

Talking of guitars, how about this towards the end.

Waylon Jennings

Your Grammar Stinks

 

Taken from actual Church Notices.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' 

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. 

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. 

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So, ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 

At the evening service, tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.00am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. 

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7.00pm. Please use the back door. 

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7.00pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

Weight Watchers will meet at 7.00pm. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 

 The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

Dot

 

One day, a professor entered his classroom and asked his students to prepare for a surprise test. They all waited anxiously at their desks for the exam to begin.

The professor handed out the exams with the text facing down, as usual. Once he handed them all out, he asked the students to turn over the papers.

To everyone’s surprise, there were no questions–just a black dot in the centre of the paper. The professor, seeing the expression on everyone’s faces, told them the following:

“I want you to write about what you see there.”

The students, confused, got started on the inexplicable task.

At the end of the class, the professor took all the exams, and started reading each one of them out loud in front of all the students. All of them, with no exception, defined the black dot, trying to explain its position in the centre of the sheet.

After all had been read, the classroom silent, the professor started to explain:

“I’m not going to grade you on this, I just wanted to give you something to think about. No one wrote about the white part of the paper.

 Everyone focused on the black dot — and the same thing happens in our lives. We insist on focusing only on the black dot — the health issues that bother us, the lack of money, the complicated relationship with a family member, the disappointment with a friend and so on.

 The dark spots are very small when compared to everything we have in our lives, but they are the ones that pollute our minds. Take your eyes away from the black dots in your lives. Enjoy each one of your blessings, each moment that life gives you. Be happy and live a life filled with love!”

MORAL: And the moral of this story is that there's this chap at work who has a big black mole at the end of his nose and I can't help focussing on it.

The Alphabet Game

 

Let us play the Alphabet Game. It's easy.

THE RULES

1    Be honest. I'll rely on your honesty. No cheating.

2    Look around you. 

3    Tell us where you are - at your home, library, waiting room etc ... 

4    Name something you see beginning with A, then B, then C and so on. I've put the alphabets on top in case you forgot the order they come in.

5    Total time 10 minutes - no more!

6    The one with most words wins. NO PRIZES. Just the honour of having won.

Here are mine. Ten minutes starting from ... NOW:

I am on a train commuting to work. 

A    Ability to think quickly and snappishly under pressure.

B    Barnacles of disappointments covering modern society's ability to enjoy life and be thankful. 

C    Cell-phones everywhere in front of me, beside me and around me; but not a brain cell anywhere.  

E    Ear ache from various technological gadgets creating a cacophony of irritable sounds.

F    Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

G   Grinding sound of the brakes as the train slides to a stop on metal rails.

H   Harbingers of doom, inflation, rising prices, business closures and unemployment in newspapers headlines.

I    Internet down as we enter a tunnel.

J    Justifiable frustration as I'm bound to get late for my business meeting.

K   Krakatoa exploding within me.

L   Lies still to be told as I chair my business meeting.

M  Manure from all these horses everywhere.

N  Nightie - what is it doing here?

O   Open window of opportunities if they sign the contract today.

P   Post-mortem if they don't sign the contract and who do I blame?

Q  Quarter litre bottle of whisky I'll consume either way the business meeting goes.           

R  Roast KFC chicken to soak the whisky.

S  Solace found in a bottle of drink and a KFC meal.

T  Train of thoughts whilst stuck on a motionless train.

U  Underwear (Note: I'm on the train commuting to work! Whose underwear are these and what are they doing here? Has she forgotten them behind?)

V  Victory in sight.

W Watch showing 30 seconds left to ten minutes.

X  Xmas cards I still have to write. (I write a few Xmas cards each day on my way to work and it saves time at Christmas. On one occasion it proved embarrassing when I wrote a card to Madeleine and Graham, and by Christmas they had divorced. I just added a short message asking who got custody of the children).

Y  Yeeha! Almost there.

Z  Zero seconds left. I won.

Now it's your turn. Things you see where you are sitting right now.  

The Divine Line

 

There's a fine dividing line between God's will be done and humanity's choice to choose its own way.

God's will is not always done in this world. The sentence in the Lord's Prayer is: Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. But God's will is not always done on earth. It is not God's will that we should fight each other and inflict so much pain and evil on each other and on this world. This is the will of man taking precedence despite God's wishes; no doubt inspired and encouraged by the devil.

Another misconception is that God is everywhere. That is not true. God is only where He is allowed to be. If a hardened heart is set against God and does not believe even in His existence, then God's Holy Spirit will not abide with that person. God does not impose His presence where He is not wanted.

So, where does that define the dividing line between God's will and ours?

God's wish is that we should all spend eternity with Him in Heaven; but it is His will that we make that choice for ourselves without any force or coercion from Himself. No one goes to Heaven against their will.

See the subtle difference? God invites all of us to Paradise. But it should be through our free choice that we get there. Our will should be to accept His will freely and accept His invitation.

Many of us will stray from that invitation and go our own way. This grieves God greatly. Because of our real freedom of will; God will not enforce a return to His way. But He will pursue the straying souls. He never tires of presenting opportunities in life which would lead us back to the safety of His love and caring. However, the final choice is ours to make.

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, 'All right, then, have it your way.' (C S Lewis)

 I have found My sheep which was lost. (Luke 15:6)

It's Magic

Let's try to perform a magic trick on the Internet and see if it works.

The success of this trick will depend very much on what you do, so it's important that you please follow the instructions below TASK by TASK very carefully as we perform this magic trick together. 

Let's first identify the four kinds of cards available in a pack:

They are SPADE, HEART, CLUB and DIAMOND

OK ... let's get started. 

TASK 1 

Take a pack of playing cards and remove the jokers. 

 

TASK 2 

Now shuffle the pack well and select a card.  

DON’T SHOW IT TO ME !!!

TASK 3 

Now multiply the value of that card by 10.

So if the card is a 6 you now have 60. If it's a 9 you have 90 ... and so on. Very easy this bit.

REMEMBER the Jack is 11, the Queen is 12 and the King is 13. So if you selected a Queen you now have 120.

OK … done that? Good! Well done.

TASK 4

Now add 13 to the number you’ve got.

You’re doing well so far.  

Please keep your card close to you so I can’t see it.

TASK 5 

Now look at the card carefully.

If it is a SPADE add 1 to the number you have.

If it is a HEART add 2 to the number you have.

If it is a CLUB add 3 to the number you have.

And if it is a DIAMOND add 4 to the number you have.

TASK 6 

In the comment box below type the number you now have after performing all the tasks outlined above.

OK ... that's it!!! 

Now give me some time to think about all this and I'll reply to you in the comments box below soon.

Good luck.

20 Questions

 

Let us play twenty questions. I think of a person and you have twenty questions to guess who it is.

Q1    Male or female?

A1    Male.

Q2    Dead or alive?

A2    Dead.

Q3    Famous?

A3    Yes.

Q4    Science?

A4    No.

Q5    Literature?

A5    No.

Q6    Politics?

A6     No.

Q7    Sports?

A7    No.

Q8    Music, singing, comedy, entertainment?

A8    No No No No I'll count these as one question.

Q9    Dead you said ... is he a fictitious person like Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot and so on? 

A9    He is dead now. He was a real person.

Q10  Oh I don't know ...  Does he like chocolate?

A10  Actually he did.

Q11  I was joking. That was not a question. You're not going to count it are you?

A11 Yes I am. You've now used 11 questions, and you are no where near guessing it. Ask relevant questions.  

Q12 What period?

A12 The Jurassic period. What do you think? OK ... let's call it in our life time.

Q13 Was he American?

A13 No.    

Q14 British?

A14 Yes.

Q15 Oh I give up. Who is it?

A15 Percy Veer.

Q16 Percy Veer ... who the **** is Percy Veer?

A16 He was my English Language teacher. You have now used 16 questions and still not guessed it right.

Q17 But ... but ... the game is over. It's a stupid game; and you've said it's Percy Veer, whoever the **** he is. How do you expect me or anyone on this planet to guess it was him? And what was he famous for anyway?

A17 There's no butts about it. You would have known about him if you went in the same school as me. That was question 17 by the way. And question 18, he was famous for his patience. We called him Percy Veer because of his patience towards us as his students. His real name was Justin Case.

Q    Justin Case? What stupid name is that?

A    That's two questions. You are now at 20 questions. You lost the game. 

Duck Dilemma

 

This is the view from across the street from my house. We have no houses built in front of us. Just the road, then the river and the park beyond.

This morning as I was going out I noticed some movement under my car. I bent down to look and there was a young duckling, or gosling. It was a young something; I'm not good at identifying birds. It was obvious it came from the river opposite and got lost from its mother and baby siblings. It came running out from under the car and stood on our driveway. 

If I drove away it's a sure thing this duckling would have made a nice meal for a cat. So I had to do something. I remember reading that if you ever find a baby duck or goose or swan you should never handle it. If you do, then the mother will abandon it. 

From where the duckling was standing and the river across the road is about 20 yards or so. There are some trees in the way but enough of a clearing to make a straight direct path. I brought out my golf club and thought if I hit the duck hard enough it is sure to land in the water and I would have scored a birdie. 

I brought out some golf balls and practiced first. The first ball hit a tree, bounced back on the road and was run over by a passing car. Would the duck have bounced back on the road do you think? Probably not.

The second ball flew a little higher and landed on the concrete path by the river. From such a height the duck would have splattered all over the path, I think.

The third ball flew at an appropriate height, straight through the trees and into the water. Encouraged by my success I got ready to despatch the little creature to its mother.

But then I thought ... could I risk it? I'm a bit of a coward you see.

Then I had a thought. I have behind the front door of our house a large net in case I ever have to catch someone that comes to visit us. What if I bring the net and throw it on the duckling and then take it to the river? 

But then I thought again ... the net is quite heavy. What if it kills the duckling by its weight?

What if I use the glass and paper trick to catch spiders? Place the glass on the spider, slide the paper or cardboard underneath, pick up both and take the spider out of the house. What if I did this but with something bigger. A pan perhaps and a large newspaper to slide underneath.

I got in the house to find an appropriate pan and something big to slide underneath,

When I got out, the swan you see in the photo was slowly crossing the road followed by six of its young; including my baby duckling. I discovered later it was not a duckling but a cygnet - a baby swan.

Extra-Terrestrial Aliens from Outer-Space

 

The thing is: have we been visited by aliens from outer-space? Do they exist and are they living here amongst us hiding in plain sight?

Do they work from home? Is that why we don't see many of them in the streets? And if we saw them would we recognise them as aliens from outer space? Do they look different from us?

And do they have navels? That is important as it could be a distinguishing feature between them and us. That is if they look like us. Anyone without a navel is from another planet because they reproduce differently.

What if they look like an animal? A dog, cat, bird, pigeon, fish or whatever. What if your pet is in fact an alien from outer-space spying on you and sending messages to its home planet about you? Were you there at your pet's birth? No? So how can you be so sure it is not a space creature in pet form?

I say this because a friend of ours is convinced that aliens from outer-space have turned her husband into a carrot. She woke up one morning and her husband had gone. He hasn't been seen since. Instead, there beside her in bed was a giant carrot. She said it's not the same as cuddling in bed with her husband. 

The police suggested that maybe her husband just left her. Or he went on holiday without her. Which begs another question: where do aliens from outer-space go on holidays? Do they go somewhere sunny and hot? Or somewhere freezing cold? Or underwater perhaps? Do they like to eat foreign foods? But then, what foods do they eat? Pizza? 

Do they have tattoos? Why are they here? Do they like chocolates?

A scientist friend of mine who specialises in baking pizzas believes that we are all descendants from aliens from outer space. They visited us years ago when their own planet disintegrated like in the Superman story. They came here in their millions and we are their offspring.

Personally, I think he is wrong. I believe we have evolved from cauliflowers. You can tell by the similarities between us humans and cauliflowers. For example, many people are unable to think. Just like a cauliflower. It just sits there and does nothing. Just like humans do in front of the TV. 

So there you have it. We are either descendants from aliens from outer-space or we have evolved from cauliflowers. 

Science is undecided and awaiting a decision from AI.

Hot Hot Hot

It's been very hot here lately. No doubt it's the same where you are, unless you happen to be in the North or South Pole sitting on a block of ice taking photos of the environment around you. In which case you'll develop polaroids.   

Anyway, it's been about 33*C in the shade over here. I stayed out of the shade. 

The weather announcer in a bikini said it'll get warmer. I don't think weathermen should wear bikinis, do you? In fact no men should wear a bikini in public. Nor shorts. Over here men wear shorts and sandals and socks. Can you imagine? Sandals with socks.

When it gets this hot people find it difficult to breeze and can get dizzy. This is because the oxygen molecules in the air are further apart when it's hot. So your nose is out there hunting the molecules before someone else gets them first. 

The population of the earth is over 8 billion people. That is not counting animals and birds and insects also searching and breathing the oxygen molecules in the air. If the world gets any more crowded, and it gets even hotter, only the tall people will survive because they'll catch the few molecules first as they fall down from the sky. Short people will be in trouble because they can't keep their noses out of peoples' private business.

Scientists predict that the human body will evolve and we'll grow bigger noses to the point we'll all look like elephants. We'll point our trunks up to the sky and compete for the few oxygen molecules floating about. This will make it difficult for those wearing glasses because they won't fit over the bridge of your trunk.

People with turned up noses, like Miss Piggy or that woman in church who looks down at me in disdain, are in further risk, because if it rains they'll probably drown.     

Experts say this is a sign of the end of time. The planet is getting warmer, this will melt the ice cap, the sea levels will go up ... and so on ... and on. Personally, I think that if the sea levels go up then more of us will live near the beach and house prices will rocket up.

Here in the UK it got so hot there was a shortage of ice cream. 

The birds were using a jack-hammer to dig worms from the ground and the chickens in our back yard were laying fried eggs this morning. In our pond the fish were parboiled and ready to eat. The trees were so parched they were fighting over our dog.

I went to the beach to cool off. Have you noticed that when wearing a bikini, women reveal 94% of their body? I was too polite and only looked at the covered parts.

Which raises another point: Is it OK for Christian women to wear bikinis? Or any swimsuits? What does the Bible say about dressing modestly?

How about men in tiny shorts and swimming trunks? What is the acceptable attire on the beach for a Christian? (I wear a three-piece pin-striped suit and a bowler hat.)

How about nudist beaches? Can a Christian be a naturist? (I shower at home fully clothed.)

I think all this heat is melting my brain.