Wednesday, 17 September 2014

The day Noah got drunk


It's in the Bible.

Noah was a farmer and
he was the first man to ever plant
a vineyard.
He made wine,
drank it,
and became drunk.
He then took off all his clothes,
and lay naked in his tent.
His son Ham (what a name)
saw Noah naked and
he took photos with his cell-phone
and posted them on Facebook.
GENESIS 9:20-22.

Sunday, 14 September 2014

Reminiscences of presents past

There I was sitting in the back garden the other day watching the sun setting down  over the re-cycling factory, when my mind drifted back to my childhood all those years ago, and the many presents I had wished for at Christmas and how I had to make do with their well-meaning substitutes.

I remembered that one year I had my heart set on a train set. You know the one I mean? A beautiful steam locomotive all shining in black, pulling an open container full of coal, and this pulling a carriage with people clearly visible through the windows. The set included a number of rails which when linked together would make a large circle; and you could also buy various accessories like a railway station, ticket office, more rails, carriages and so on.

I'd imagined buying all the additional accessories with my pocket money and building a rail network that would be the envy of any transport system you could think of.

I wrote several letters to Father Christmas explaining precisely which train set I was after and pointing out that I had been a good boy all year round; just in case he didn't know.

On Christmas day I did not get that train set at all. Instead, my auntie had knitted me a pullover and a little train locomotive. I mean ... is she mad or what? A knitted train locomotive? I ask you ... how can you get a train locomotive made of wool and stuffed with pieces of cotton to go round and round? She didn't even knit me a set of rails!

I always wondered about the sanity of that woman. She must have been light-brained and a few tomatoes short of a salad, as they say. She was always knitting something. Tea cosies to keep the teapot warm, hats or bonnets to keep our heads warm, scarves to keep our neck warm, gloves and mittens, socks and booties to keep our hands and feet warm.

On another Christmas she knitted us all pencils and pens pullovers. Let me explain. She knitted long thin tubes the length of a pencil with different color wool. A bit like the sleeve of your jumper or jersey but much smaller. The idea is that you push your pencil or pen through the tubes to keep them warm.

Is she mental or what? Do pencils feel the cold perchance?

And when we did as she suggested, every time we tried to write the pens would slide into the tube as we pressed on the paper.

Eventually the silly woollen sleeves were thrown away in a drawer. Can you suggest another use for woollen tubes six inches long?

Another year I asked my Father for a computer for my Birthday. He gave me a packet of crayons instead. He said he couldn't buy me a computer because it hadn't been invented yet!

Actually, he was right. Computers hadn't been invented until years later. But a packet of crayons is hardly a substitute is it?

I asked my Mom for a helmet or hard hat for when I go out on my bicycle. I didn't have a bicycle at the time, but I was always forward thinking ... you know, just in case one day I got a bike. Instead she bought me a set of non-stick frying pans.

When I got married, we decided that we did not want any gifts or presents at all. We wrote in the invitation letters that we'd like everyone to come along and enjoy a nice toast to Love and Happy Life ever after. On the day in question everyone turned up with a toaster as a gift. We had at least 150 of the kitchen appliances.

I suppose the most useful present I was ever given was from my uncle when he gifted me a roll of double-sided sticky tape. I asked him why and he explained I could use the tape to pull back my sticking out ears. I had terrible sticking out ears as a child. I looked like a car with its doors open.

Eventually my parents sold our dog and the lawnmower to pay for my ears to be operated on. I had the operation on one ear. Unfortunately the doctor died shortly afterwards.

So now I have an ear looking normal and the other still sticking out. At the slightest breeze I spin round like a hotel revolving door.

As I was sitting there in the garden reminiscing I suddenly had to get up and go indoors. The wind unexpectedly picked up and I started rotating fast like a spinning top.

Have you ever had a well-meaning gift which did not quite fit with what you had in mind?

Saturday, 13 September 2014

Heavenly Verdict

A man dies and goes to Heaven.

He is surprised to be lead into a well-furnished room where St Peter is sitting at a large desk in front of a computer.

St Peter invites him to sit down and taps his details into the computer.

“I’m surprised to see a computer here,” says the man hesitantly, trying to make polite conversation, “I thought you’d have a big book with parchment paper and all our names written there.”

“Oh … that’s a common misconception,” replies St Peter, “we replaced the big books years ago. They were a bit unwieldy and heavy; and they were a bit slow to use. You know what it’s like … searching pages after pages for someone’s name!”

“Yes …” says the man nervously, “computers are much faster.”

“They sure are,” smiles St Peter clicking away on the keyboard, “a few key strokes here and there and we have all the information we need on view … the whole of one’s life is here for me to read.”

“Does the computer ever go wrong?” asks the man, sweating a little with concern about his prospects of entry, “I know they often went wrong on earth …”

“Oh yes …” replies the Saint chuckling quietly, “computers are computers whether on earth or here in Heaven. It’s just a machine … and all machines go wrong now and then. Not like a book … what is written there remains there … unless it is altered or the page is torn away … which is obvious to the eye. You can easily see an alteration in a book.

“But computers sometimes freeze up … or play up every now and then and you can’t move forward to the next screen.

“Thumping the computer on the side with an old fish I caught recently doesn’t always work. I find that Control Alt and Delete does the trick but only sometimes. Either that, or I just switch it off and on again … ha ha ha … that sorts it all right! Don't try hitting the computer with something hard like a tin of sardines though. It really hurts if you get your fingers caught!” The Saint chuckled uncontrollably.

A few moments later St Peter stops chuckling to himself for a while and starts scratching his long white beard before deciding what to input next on his computer.

“But … but … what if the database is wrong? An input error somewhere in the system?” splutters the man in a panic, “you could send a poor soul in the wrong place by mistake!”

“No one goes to hell by mistake … that never happens,” said the Saint confidently, “we have a fail safe system for that.

“God is supervising every transaction in another room. He has a monitor on His desk and He automatically checks every decision I make here on my computer. He is good that way … and He NEVER makes mistakes !!!

"The other day I had a guy here who had been a good man all his life. Never broke the law, was faithful to his wife, loved his children, worked hard … that sort of thing … he even went to church now and then.

“But he’d only done one good thing in his entire life … he once gave ten cents to a beggar in the street.

“I didn’t know what to decide; so I emailed God. A few seconds later He replied:

“ ‘Give him his ten cents back and tell him to go to hell!’

"You see ... God is very wise. No one goes to hell by mistake. He doesn't send anyone to hell really. It is people with their own actions who send themselves to hell."

Moral of the story:

"Not everyone who calls me 'Lord, Lord' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but only those who do what my Father in Heaven wants them to do." Matthew 7:21

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Invitation to join a new profitable Business Venture

Dear Friends,

I have a very interesting business proposition to put to you which will mature into a valuable investment.

But first let me give you some background.

A certain member of our family recently made a batch full of black buns. Now for those who don’t know, this is a rich Scottish fruitcake which is encased in pastry and then cooked. It is a particular delicacy up North on Hogmanay; and other celebratory occasions.

Now for some reason, this particular batch of black buns was harder than usual. I mean, black buns in our household are normally hard, but this lot was so hard you could have built a house with them. If you had enough of them that is; which thankfully we didn’t.

No one wanted to eat them so I took them to the local park to feed the ducks in the pond. To my amazement the black buns floated on the surface of the water. Perhaps they were hollow inside, or the rising pastry had trapped some air between the casing and the fruitcake inside.

As soon as these pastry bricks floated on the pond a flock of ducks came floating towards them cackling with excitement. The sound attracted even more ducks and swans and birds who gathered around me for a Scottish feast.

Surprisingly, their sharp beaks managed to break through the concrete pastry and into the cake but … oh horror … as soon as the ducks and swans ate some of the fruitcake they sank to the bottom of the pond like stones. A while later they got up to the surface and quickly got out of the water belching and farting and searching for indigestion tablets.

I got home somewhat dejected at my failure in introducing our ducks to a Northern delicacy; and then it hit me … (someone threw a black bun at me which I had inadvertently forgotten behind!).

I picked up the bun and pondered. As I held the cake in my hand the warmth I generated started to soften the pastry. I ate a bit. It tasted nice and soft; so did the cake inside.

And that’s how genius works, my friends.

I had in my hand a hard edible substance, hard enough for me to stand on it without it crumbling, yet body warmth makes it soft, and safe to eat, and sweet.

What if I had enough black buns ingredients to mould the cake into the shape of a seat?

We quickly made another lot and in about an hour or so we had made a small baby-sized chair. It was strong enough for me to sit on, I tell you; yet, after a while I could break off a bit from the chair and eat it.

That’s it folks! Edible furniture has arrived.

We’re now discussing business terms with a furniture manufacturer and a large bakery nearby.

We intend making all sorts of seats, chairs, sofas, armchairs, as well as tables and other household items.

We’re thinking about different flavors too. Chocolate is a distinct favorite as well as vanilla flavored pastry and savory cakes too.

Can you imagine the endless possibilities?

You invite guests to dinner at your house and end up eating the furniture. We’re considering meat and vegetable flavors too as well as vegetarian and vegan products.

The advantage of this is that you save on expensive meals which you have to prepare and cook and, every time you have a party you have a new style of furniture to keep up with the latest styles and fashions … and flavors.

If you go on a picnic, all you have to take with you is some chairs which you can eat whilst lying there on the beach, or nearby a river, or in the park. And don’t worry about cleaning up afterwards. Any crumbs you leave behind will be eaten by the birds.

Imagine for a moment sports venues where all the spectators sit on edible seats which they eat whilst enjoying the football game. They’d be able to book a seat in advance in their favorite flavors.

The same applies to cinemas and theaters. Can you see yourself eating through an opera or a concert?

I’ve received this morning an order for a large consignment of said edible furniture from a famous Department Store. I could have shown you the order, but I ate it.

So if you wish to make a fortune, you’d better invest in this new venture right now.

It’s selling like hot cakes.

Tuesday, 9 September 2014


I am about to embark on a major writing project and would appreciate your advice please. I intend to write a book consisting of a list of all the words used in the English language. The words will not be in alphabetical order and there will not be a definition of the words either. It will be a random list such as:

The and garden notwithstanding hoover fortnightly eaten quarter simultaneously ... and so on.

So far I have written about 113 pages and it is hoped the book will be completed in about six months time. I have a team of six people in my employ working on this.

I guarantee that there will be no repetition of the words and that they will all be spelled correctly both in English and American - e.g. humour/humor.

The book would be a great pastime when travelling on a bus or train, or when you can't sleep in bed and have nothing better to do, or when relaxing in a hot bath. 

The intention is that you'll think of a word and time yourself as to how quickly you can find it. Hence the absence of alphabetical order. Of course if you're in the bath at the time you'll need a water-proof watch (not supplied with the book).

Another use would be to check if you've spelled certain words correctly. For example you could look for the word: Onomatopoeia, but because the book is not in alphabetical order it will be great fun trying to find the word, and in searching for it, you'll discover other words you did not know that you did not know!

A further fun use is to play a game with your spouse or friend. You can think of a word and your spouse or friend has to find it within a set time limit. 

I have three publishers interested in this unique venture in the history of publications.

What I'd like your advice on please is whether you would find such a book useful and how many copies you are likely to purchase. They make a great Christmas gift for family and friends; and are a good conversation starter to break the ice at parties. Please also give me an idea of the price you would be willing to pay for this book.

The information would be very helpful in estimating the number of first print run. One publisher suggested 500,000 copies but I am not sure if this will be enough.

Thank you.

Sunday, 7 September 2014

On Stage

They say the whole world is a stage and we are actors on it. They also say this life is no rehearsal – this is it. One and only life. Get on with it!

Let’s consider for a moment we’re on a stage. What part does God want you to play? Are you in a leading role? Centre stage? A great Christian orator, writer, pastor, celebrity or role model?

Or have you only got a minor part? Waiting on the side-lines, behind the curtains, for your time to be in the spotlight?

Whatever role God has given us in this life to witness on His behalf and to spread His Word; we’d better be ready because this is the most important task we’re ever asked to perform in this one life which we have.

Now as Jesus was walking by the Sea of Galilee, He saw two brothers, Simon who was called Peter, and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea; for they were fishermen. And He said to them, "Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men." Immediately they left their nets and followed Him. Matthew 4:18-20.