Sunday, 5 April 2020

Reflections for Easter

I made this video some years ago. 
I hope it helps with our reflections as we enter Easter Week.
Nine minutes long.

Saturday, 4 April 2020

Chocolate Sin

Father Ignatius was at the supermarket pushing his trolley slowly from one aisle to the next and reading his shopping list as he went along. He rarely visited the confectionery counters but this time he made a special detour to buy a box of chocolates for Mrs Davenport, his housekeeper, whose birthday was the following day.

Just as he entered the aisle he saw one of his parishioners there standing a few feet away. He was a successful local business man and a regular in church every Sunday and at confession every Saturday morning.

The priest was about to greet him when what he saw next made him suddenly stop in his tracks and freeze on the spot.

The business man took a chocolate bar from the shelf and put it in his pocket. He then moved away nonchalantly as if nothing happened.

Father Ignatius faced a sudden dilemma. Should he confront the man and tell him what he did is wrong. This may well cause a scene at the store as the man may well deny any wrongdoing.

Or should he inform a member of staff about what he had just witnessed and leave the matter to them.

Or should he just do nothing. Look the other way. Condone stealing through his lack of actions.

As the man casually walked out of the store Father Ignatius decided to let matters rest. He walked up the aisle and bought an identical chocolate bar as the man had just stolen.

Two days later Father Ignatius was hearing confessions as he normally does on Saturday mornings.

He sat at his confessional, which was one of those old fashioned wooden cubicles where he sat in the middle, and on either side people would kneel and speak to him through a small aperture covered by a thick curtain so that he would not see who is kneeling there.

He often smiled to himself at the intricacies of these old contraptions.

“What is the point of all this secrecy” he asked himself, “when I can usually tell who is on the other side of the curtain by their voice?”

Father Ignatius had a good memory for faces and voices and more often than not he knew who was confessing their sins to him. He had his regulars turning up Saturday after Saturday seeking absolution and listening to his wise words before leaving with a much lighter heart to pray their penance.

“Even their sins are always the same …” smiled Father Ignatius to himself as he waited for his first parishioner to kneel by his side, “sometimes I could recite their sins for them … but then, they’d think I can read minds …” he chuckled silently.

“Well at least they’re a good lot generally … not terrible sinners most of them …”

About half-an-hour later the business man he saw at the store came for his usual Saturday confession. Father Ignatius listened attentively to him and noted that he had not mentioned the incident at the store.

After the man had finished talking Father Ignatius whispered quietly through the heavy curtain, “for your penance I want you to take this …”

And he handed him the chocolate bar he’d bought from the store through the heavy curtain dividing both men.

The man took the chocolate bar and mumbled quietly, “I don’t understand.”

“It is your favourite chocolate is it not?” asked the priest.

“Er … yes it is.”

“Two days ago I saw you pocket a similar bar in the supermarket … am I right?”

“Yes … Father …” mumbled the man after a short pause.

“You see my son,” continued Father Ignatius, “I wasn’t the only one who saw you steal that chocolate bar … God saw it too … I spoke to Him about it … and He asked me to buy you a similar chocolate bar …”

The man said nothing, feeling both ashamed and totally repentant in his heart.

“For your penance I want you to enjoy this chocolate bar,” continued the priest quietly, “but I also want you to promise that you will never steal anything ever again … is that a deal?”

“Yes Father,” mumbled the man behind the curtain.

“And remember … next time you do something wrong, I may not be there to witness it … and God alone may be the one seeing your wrongdoing …”

“Yes Father!” repeated the repentant man as the priest absolved his sins and sent him in peace to fulfil his penance.

Friday, 3 April 2020

Ze Trois Musketeers


Today's blog comes in two parts.

Part One: Yesterday's post was a story about Father Ignatius. As you know, I have written several novels and short stories about this priest. Yesterday, Mevely and Chris suggested that these stories/books would make a good TV series. The reality of life is that I do not know anyone in the USA in the film or TV industries.

Do YOU, dear readers have any contacts or friends who have contacts, or friends of friends ... you get the picture. I have tried in secular UK to get these stories noticed with no success.

Mevely also asked: If the stories were to be filmed. Which actor would be suitable to play Father Ignatius? What do you think?

Now let's get on with Part Two of this post. It is a story which has often featured in the cinema and TV.

Ze Trois Musketeers

 It was a dark and stormy night ...

"Eeet always eeez" said Athos to Porthos and Aramis as they sat in the local tavern in Paris drinking wine.

"Pouquoi eez eet," he continued, "zat all zee stories zey start weez a darke and a stormee night? Why does not Alexandre Dumas, zee author of our illustrious storees saye zat eet was a beautiful day wiz zee sun shining; or a beautiful night wiz zee mooning?"

"Who eez doing zee mooning?" asked Porthos.

"Zat I would like to see," Aramis joined in.

At this point a young lad by the name of d'Artagnan, (which means from Artagnan wherever that is), entered the tavern. He was totally soaking wet from head to toe.

"Eez eet raining outside in zees darke and stormee night?" asked Athos.

"Non ... I fell in zee reever," replied d'Artagnan.

"You must 'ave been in Seine," said Athos.

("This clever joke never ceases to amuse me," said the author of this Blog - i.e. ME!).

"Go and get changed," commanded Porthos, "and zen come and join us in a glass of wine to drink ze health of ze King Louis XIV. Vive le King!"

"Vive le King!" everyone in the tavern said.

"All for ze one and ze one eez for all!" cried out Aramis.

"Yeh ... right!" everyone in the tavern said, "wait until there's a real fight mate, and you'll be all alone!"

By the way, this is King Louis XIV who had furniture named after him. To this day antique dealers say, "this is a Louis XIV chair, or table or whatever!"

You'll forgive me, I hope, if every so often I interject to introduce a little educational snippet or two to educate as well as entertain. Thus being my aim and mission in this soliloquy.

At this point of my writing, the cat came in the computer room and started rubbing himself against my feet wanting a caress. I sent him out of the room saying, "Go away ... this is a monologue; not a catalogue!"

Anyway, let's continue with the story ...

The wet d'Artagnan went upstairs with the young maid, Yvonne Eyeful, the daughter of the landlady, Madame Leggert, to find some old clothes which the young lad could change into.

As he was getting undressed behind a Louis XIV wooden framed screen with silk curtains, (worth about £500 at a good antique dealer), Yvonne Eyeful looked at the young man's reflection in the mirror and laughed.

"What are you laughing at?" asked d'Artagnan covering his assets.

"Oh ... eet eez nothinge," she smiled; amused by little things.

"Eet eez veree cold tonight," said d'Artagnan shivering all over.

At this point two soldiers in the employ of the evil Cardinal Richelieu entered the tavern downstairs. (The tavern had to be downstairs. It wouldn't be up in d'Artagnan's bedroom would it? Just pay attention).

The two soldiers in the employ of Cardinal Richelieu drew their swords and shouted, "On Garde".

"Garde a l'eau!" said the landlady, Madame Leggert as she threw at them the contents of an enamelled Louis XIV chamber pot worth £199 at an antique dealer's.

The pot is worth that money, not the contents. Are you really paying attention to this story? I'm not making it all up as I go along, you know! This is a well researched bit of history written for your edification and delight. 

So ... Madame Leggert said, "Garde a l'eau!"

This is of course before the French had invented the bidet. 

The bidet appears to have been an invention of French furniture makers in the late 17th century, although no exact date or inventor is known.

But before the invention of the bidet, in  Olden Days, the French, (and the English), had chamber pots in the house before the modern toilet seat was invented. The servants used to empty the pots out of the windows into the street below. 

They shouted first "garde a l’eau!" which means watch out for the water! And that's how showers were invented. In time the phrase travelled to England, (in a pot), and we too started showering each other. That's were the term "loo" for toilet comes from.

You see ... education as well as entertainment in this Blog. Make sure you visit here frequently, and invite your friends too!

That's education, entertainment and advertising thrown in too.

Let's continue.

The landlady said, "garde a l'eau!" and emptied the contents of the chamber pot on the two soldiers. Meanwhile all the people in the tavern, sensing a fight is about to break out, and remembering the moto "all for one and one for all!" got up from their tables and ran out of the tavern.

Leaving only the three musketeers and the landlady there.

"This is insane!" said the two soldiers wet and dirty from head to toe.

"We've already used that joke!" said Aramis.

"No seriously," said one of the soldiers, "it is stupidly insane to throw all this stuff at us."

"Ab turd!" added the other soldier who had a bit of a lisp, giving me an opportunity to make a joke at the expense of his speech impediment.

At this point a long nose entered the tavern through the half-opened door.

"I smell the depth of depravity and wantonness!" said a voice following the nose.

Ten minutes later Cyrano de Bergerac enters the tavern.

He was a soldier with a particularly long nose which always arrived some minutes before him. He had won many a duel because his opponents could not get close enough to him to fight him. Whilst they marvelled at his swordsmanship, waving his epée left and right, he would hit them on the head with his nose and knock them out.

His nose was so big he could smell round corners.

His nose was so big that it was used by tailors to measure cloth. 

His nose was so big he'd point at you and catch your eye.

His nose was so big that when he lies down on his stomach for a massage the bed is at a slant.

His nose was so big that it made the flowers wilt.

His nose was so big that it made an elephant jealous.

His nose was so big that he'd inhale the whole snuff box.

His nose was so big his pullover shirts had stretch marks.

His nose was so big the grindstone was worn out.

His nose was so big he could smoke a cigar in the shower.

His nose was so big it made Jimmy Durante jealous.

He was so poor he could not even pay attention!

Hold on ... this last joke is out of place here. Please forget you've heard it and I'll use it in another Blog post.

To continue ... when Cyrano de Bergerac eventually entered the tavern Athos said to him, "were you born with this nose, or did you pick it yourself?"

"Enough with the nose jokes, already!" said Porthos, "let us be civilised. We have here a soldier in the employ of Cardinal Richelieu and we should show him some respect!"

"That's easy for you to say," retorted D'Artagnan coming down the stairs, "you don't have a big nose like his".

And at this point, I realised that I had run out of things to say about the story of the three musketeers and D'Artagnan, Cyrano, Richelieu and of course King Louis XIV.

En guarde !!!

Thursday, 2 April 2020

Gentle Kidnapping

Father Ignatius really didn’t like visiting the nearby City, especially by car. So when he had to go for a Conference called by the Bishops at the Cathedral he took the train and then a taxi to the Cathedral.

The Conference itself was somewhat long and tedious with many people too fond of their voice and ready to hear it pronouncing pearls of wisdom ad infinitum. Father Ignatius took notes in order to report back to his Bishop when he returned to his Parish at St Vincent Church.

When the Conference was over Father Ignatius stood by an empty taxi stand and waited for a cab to arrive.

Within a minute or so a large black car parked by him and two burly men came out from the back seat.

“Would you please get in the car Father?” said one of them.

The priest hesitated, “This is not a taxi …” he mumbled, “Who are you?”

“Let’s not make a scene in public …” continued one of the men politely, “please get in the car … here’s something to show our good intentions …” and the man put his hand in his jacket inside pocket and pulled out a bunch of notes; “there’s £200 here as a down payment … now get in the car.” And handing the money to the priest the two men eased him gently but forcibly into the car and sat one on each side of him; whilst the driver moved away quickly.

Still clutching the money Father Ignatius said, “What’s going on here … what do you want with me?”

“Relax Father … just cooperate with us for a while and all will be OK … put our little donation in your pocket and we’ll give you another £200 when this is all over … now if you don’t mind; I have to put this over your head. Just as a precaution you understand. It won’t hurt I assure you.”

The man put a hood gently over the priest’s head and tightened it round his neck to ensure he couldn’t see.

“We won’t hurt you Father …” he continued gently, “you have my word, now please relax.”

Father Ignatius had no choice but to sit there between the two giants whilst the car hurried in city traffic. At one stage the car stopped for a while, possibly at traffic lights, and the priest heard the sound of a church clock beating two quarters “it must be half past five” he thought to himself.

He tried to concentrate and listen carefully, but, not being familiar with the city, any sounds he heard meant nothing to him. However, he tried to recollect them in the order that they were heard; and he counted slowly in-between sounds to record the passage of time.

“We stopped for a few minutes at half past five … then we drove until I counted about one hundred, then I heard the sound of an ambulance or police car, then I counted to two hundred and twelve when I heard the sound of a passing train …” and so on went his thoughts.

The car must have joined a motorway or highway at some point or other because the priest heard nothing specific and felt the car pick up speed. This lasted for a long while when eventually he felt the car slow down as it drove over gravel for a bit and then stop. He then heard the sound of two barking dogs nearby. They must have been big dogs by the sound of it … Alsatians or Dobermans perhaps.

He was led by his guards holding him by each arm over the gravel for a short distance, then up two or three stairs and into a building. There they stopped and took off his hood.

It took him a few seconds to adjust his eyes and see that he was in a splendid large hall of some luxurious building. There were magnificent paintings on the walls and beautiful chandeliers hanging from the ceiling.  He was surrounded by several large marble statues and ornaments.

With both his bodyguards on each side he waited there whilst another man dressed in a black suit came out of one of the rooms on his left.

“This is not Father Bernard Breally,” said the man approaching him, “who the hell are you?”

“I’m Father Ignatius …” replied the priest feebly.

“Are you Catholic?”

“Yes …”

“I suppose you’ll do … one priest is as good as another … what happened to Breally?” he asked the two burly men.

“This was the only priest standing by the taxi place … you told us to get the priest waiting for a cab and this is him …” replied one of the men apologetically.

“OK … take him over there.

“Father would you please mind waiting in that room and make yourself at home. You are not a prisoner here … just our guest for a moment or two … Help yourself to tea or coffee and biscuits; there’s a drinks cabinet in there too if you wish to have something stronger. There’s a rest room in case you wish to freshen up.

“And please … don’t even think of escaping through the windows … the dogs out there would tear you to pieces in seconds.

“I’ll be with you shortly.”

Father Ignatius was led to a side room as richly decorated as the hall he’d just been in. He was left there alone for about twenty minutes or so, where he sat in a comfortable luxurious sofa and prayed silently.

Eventually the man who greeted him on arrival returned and asked him to follow him. He was led up the stairs of this palatial mansion and into one of the rooms.

It was a spacious bedroom as richly decorated as the rest of the house. In bed was a pale looking man sitting up surrounded by a few people. There was a young lady in a nurse’s uniform and another middle-aged woman. Two other strong men stood guard by the door.

“Leave us alone …” said the elderly man.

Everyone left the room silently and closed the door behind them.

“Come over here and sit down Father …” said the man.

The priest approached the bedside and sat in a chair nearby.

“I’m sorry to have disturbed you Father … I needed to see Father Breally but my idiots got the wrong man. They tell me you’re Catholic … so you’ll do I suppose. Do you know Breally?”

“No … I don’t …”

“Well never mind … he’s a priest I knew long ago … I’ve known him since we were Altar boys together. Then as we grew up I got into the wrong company whilst he decided to become a priest. Many a time he warned me not to break the law … to leave my gang and get a good job …” the man chuckled quietly and wiped his mouth with a handkerchief he was holding.

“Do you think if I followed Breally’s advice I’d have this mansion and all my riches? I bet he is as poor as a church mouse …

“I haven’t seen him in years. I was led to believe that he’d be at the Conference and that he’d wait by the taxi stand … instead my men got you.

“So you’ll do I suppose … I need a favor from you!”

“What is it that you need?” asked Father Ignatius gently.

“I’m fifty-nine and I’m very ill. The doctor who was standing here doesn’t think much of my chances … I want you to forgive my sins and prepare me for Heaven …”

“I don’t understand … why all this secrecy and why did you have me brought here?” asked Father Ignatius gaining a little confidence.

“Do you know who I am?”

“No I don’t … I don’t even know where I am … your men blind-folded me in the car …”

“I’m sorry for that,” interrupted the man, and then after a short silence went on, “it doesn’t matter who I am …

“Suffice it to say that I don’t have a glorious past, but I guess you’ve already worked that out … I haven’t always been what you’d call a good Christian … not since the Altar boy days … ” he chuckled again reminiscing on his childhood.

“Don’t get me wrong Father … Ignatius is it?”
The priest nodded silently.

“Don’t get me wrong Father Ignatius, I’ve never done anything really bad myself you understand … but I’ve often asked my boys to do certain things for me … I’m sure you understand what it’s like.

“Sometimes in my line of business you need to be a little forceful in order to be respected by your peers …”

The priest said nothing and waited for the man to continue.

“So there you have it … will you forgive an old gangster and get him to Heaven?”

“It’s not as easy as that,” replied Father Ignatius.

“What do you mean? My boys gave you a handsome donation which we’ll supplement with another one when you leave. What else do you want?”

“Confession is not bought with money …” said Father Ignatius still holding his gentle yet firm tone of voice, “you may well confess your past sins and I may well absolve you of them … but that in itself is no guarantee to entry in Heaven.”

“When I was an Altar boy I was told that a priest can forgive your sins and all is well again with God. That’s what Jesus said to His disciples to do …” protested the man sitting up.

“Yes … that’s true. But with Confession there should be true repentance and regret for what we have done. It is no point just confessing one’s sins and hoping that all is well.

“God is not an insurance policy. Providing we pay our premiums by way of Confession, Communion and attending Mass every now and then; our place in Heaven is guaranteed.

“It just doesn’t work like that …

“Tell me something …” continued Father Ignatius gaining confidence all the time, “suppose you were one of the victims of the many things you claim to have done … how would you feel if you knew that the person who committed such crimes against you suddenly said sorry on his death bed, recited a prayer or two as a penance and got entry into Heaven?”

“What else can I do? My crimes are done and gone … I can hardly turn the clock back … You’ve got to help me Father … that’s what you priests are here for isn’t it?” pleaded the man his hand shaking a little.

“I will pray for you … and I will absolve your sins by the power given to me by our Lord Jesus …” said Father Ignatius.

“But I will not give you a penance … this is not a matter of asking you to say a Hail Mary and all will be well again …

“I’ve never been in such a situation before … and they never taught us what is an appropriate penance in these circumstances …” Father Ignatius bit his lip, thinking he’d probably overstepped the mark.

The man laughed heartily.

“A priest with a sense of humor … I like that …” he said after a short pause.

Father Ignatius continued.

“I will leave the matter of final absolution in the hands of God, since only He knows your heart, your intentions and your genuine repentance.

“I will also leave the money your men gave me right here … the Lord’s absolution is not for sale … it is given freely by Him alone.”

Father Ignatius heard the man’s Confession and prayed with him for a while. He was then driven back, hooded once again, to the city and dropped at the railway station where he caught a train home.

Weeks later he read in the newspaper that the man had died. The papers had his picture, which Father Ignatius recognized, and they named him as an infamous gangster who terrorized the city for many years. The papers also said that he had left large sums of money in his Will to various charities and Christian churches.

Wednesday, 1 April 2020

Thinking aloud ... silently

I've been thinking. I do that quite a lot recently, I noticed. Thinking whilst standing up, or even sitting down, or lying in bed or on the couch in front of the TV. Thinking has become a habit as of late. I wonder why we think? Why do I think more than usual these days.

I was lying on the couch; nothing on TV except dust. I chose not to comment about it in case I got the silent treatment ... again! Not sure what is worse; the silent treatment or being told things I don't want to hear.

Anyway, I was thinking. Our ears are where they are for a purpose. On each side of our head. If our ears were at the back of our head we would go deaf every time we lay on our back in bed.

Imagine if you had an extra mouth on top of your head. You could put a sandwich under your hat and eat it without anyone noticing you.

Or if you had an extra eye at the end of your finger. You could see round corners then. You'd bend your index finger round the wall and see what's round the corner. Or you could put your finger in your ear and see what's there. The possibilities are endless as to where you could put your finger.

What if you could move all your bits on your body to places that are more convenient? Men especially would find this useful. Imagine having your belly button on your forehead, men! Or wearing an unusual tie!

Another thing I was thinking about. Did the inventor of the screw have his hair parted in the middle of his head?

Did the inventor of the Phillips screw have his hair parted as a cross?

Years ago, before they invented the clock with a big and small hands; how did they know how to turn something clockwise or anti-clockwise? It must have sent them cuckoo when someone said down the phone, "turn it clockwise!"

How about the man who invented the wheel. What did he do with it when he invented it? Hardly worth anything is it? It would never catch on. Not unless he invents a second wheel then he would have a bicycle. It's the man who invented the second wheel who's the clever one.

And here's another thought. Do fish ever drown if they can't swim? Who teaches them to swim anyway; when they are babies? Do they ever get water in their eyes like we do?

Why is coffee not everyone's cup of tea?

Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why not abbreviate it?

Why all the fuss as to whether the toilet seat is up or down? Cut it in half and put your half any way you want.

I can't help thinking that all this thinking is doing my head in.

Do you ever think? What do you think about? Share your thoughts here. No matter how strange. We promise not to laugh ...

Tuesday, 31 March 2020

A Guinea Party

A couple of days ago I was invited at my boss's house out in the country for "a little bite to eat and a drink", as he called it.

He lives in one of those big mansions that posh people have, you know, just like the one where Theodore Luxton-Joyce lives. (NOTE: Thank you Martha for your lovely AMAZON Review of this book. Readers - please click on Theodore Luxton-Joyce to read this wonderful Review. Martha's Blog is highly recommended - CLICK HERE).

He had invited a number of people from work as well as a few of his friends and golf-playing pals and a number of people from his gentleman's club. It was mainly a stand-up affair where everyone stands in this large room mingling and talking whilst a multitude of waitresses come round offering you hors d'oeuvre, canapés and small little bites you would not give your dog; and a number of waiters offer you various drinks, mainly alcoholic rather than a good pint of lemonade, or a cup of tea.

Anyway, I had been invited and it was not the kind of invitation you would turn down. More a three-line whip as they say in political circles. 

As it happens, just before I set off from my office I got a phone call: "Could you pick up Bertie the guinea pig from the vet please? ... Please ... Pretty please ... We'll be ever so grateful for the rest of the year ... Please!!!"

Why can't they pick up their own stupid pets? Anyway, at the vets the nurse said that Bertie was still a little sleepy from the anaesthetic and will be so for the rest of the day. Have I got his little carrying cage?

Have I heck? I said yes and took the little creature and put him in my brief case to keep him warm.

At the party, whilst everyone was mingling and being ever so polite and upper-class, don't you know, what? Jolly good old chap. And all that. Someone noticed my sleeping Bertie walk along the wall. He must have woken up and got out of my case when I went to fetch the Marketing Report for my boss and forgot to close the case again. 

Now normally, any sane person would have said there's a guinea pig about.

Just point at the creature and say: "By Jove, there's a most magnificent specimen of the guinea pig variety, don't you know ... what?" Now isn't that something you have often said at parties?

But NOOOO. On this occasion some idiot from the golf club said: "There's a rat here, a damn big rat!"

"A rat?"

"Yes ... a rat!"


"Over there!"

"Where over there?"

"It was there. He's now gone over there I think ..."

"A big fat ugly rat ..."

"It's now ran over there ... look out ... he might bite!"

"Rats carry the platonic plague, you know ..."

"Yes, it's in their teeth. One bite and you're a gonna!"

"I don't want it to tear my 15 Denier nylon stockings ..."

"Don't be silly, man. Why are you wearing nylon stockings anyway?"

"Because I couldn't buy nylon tights to fit me!"

"Over there ... I've seen the rat over there ... it's big and furry ..."

Pretty soon there was pandemonium in that room. My boss's wife was mortified as well as mummified at the thought of having rodents in her house. 

"We don't have rats in this house, have we Luis?" she asked her husband.

"No ... there's quite a few at work though ..." he replied referring to his employees.

Everyone was running here there and everywhere in no particular direction trying to avoid and escape a non-existent rat who happened to be my sleeping Bertie taking a walk. 

Women, including the waitresses in their mini skirts, suddenly jumped on top of chairs, sofas, armchairs or whatever furniture of height, like the table at the end of the room, and held their skirts and dresses up high showing off their un-mentionables. I really did not realise there were that many varieties of underpants for the ladies.

What is it with you ladies? What is the point of standing on a chair with your skirt held up high? Do you think the rat, or any other creature, would climb up your legs? The very sight of you screaming would most probably send him to apoplexy.

I noticed there was even a wimp of a man standing on a chair and holding tight to a young waitress. On second thoughts, maybe he was taking advantage of the situation.

The butler came in with an assistant and tried to find the rat and kill it with a heavy shovel in his hand.

Luckily, I noticed Bertie cowering in the corner just by the grand-father clock. I quickly bent down, picked him up and put him in my trouser pocket. The stupid animal thanked me for saving him from certain death by biting my finger and whatever else he found in my pocket. He then proceeded to tumble and somersault in my pocket in a most embarrassing display which I wouldn't want you to imagine right now!!!

Luckily, no one saw him or his acrobatics in my trouser pocket. And the rat was not found or seen ever again.

The party continued in a most subdued manner, and I noticed no one was eating the hors d'oeuvre.

Monday, 30 March 2020

NEEDED ... Two or three people with trust.

"Again, I tell you truly that if two of you on the earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by My Father in Heaven. For where two or three gather together in My name, there I am with them." Matthew 18: 19-20

Let us pray for a miracle.

Sunday, 29 March 2020

I am afraid ...

Many people around the world are afraid right now. It is a natural emotion. I believe that Jesus, in His human form, was afraid when He walked this earth. He must have been afraid in the garden of Gethsemane when He asked God to take the suffering away. Also, when on the Cross and He believed God had abandoned Him.

Can you imagine that? The Son of God believing that His Father had abandoned Him?

In both occasions when Christ was afraid, I believe it was the devil tempting Him. Just like he is tempting many of us to be afraid of our current situation.

One way to combat fear is to be thankful. To be thankful to God for all the good things He has done for us in the past. Each one of us can look back over our lives and remember occasions when things were bad, very bad, yet God was with us. Even if we did not know it at the time.

By thanking and praising God for those times we are acknowledging His power and His control over all things. We are also hopeful that this time too, He is with us, a prayer away, ready to help and to see us through our crisis.

When Lazarus died, Jesus said, "The final result of this illness will not be the death of Lazarus; this has happened in order to bring glory to God ..."

I believe the same applies today.

Let us now read the story about Lazarus.


 John 11:3-7, 17, 20-27, 33-45

"So the sisters sent a message to Jesus, ‘Lord, he whom you love is ill.’ But when Jesus heard it, he said, ‘This illness does not lead to death; rather it is for God’s glory, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.’ Accordingly, though Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus, after having heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was."

Note that Jesus does not go straight-away to heal Lazarus. He waits for two more days. He also says that this illness will not lead to death.

"When Jesus arrived, he found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days ... Martha said to Jesus, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask of him.’"

Jesus arrives after Lazarus has been dead for four days. This is very significant. In those days some people believed that the soul does not leave the body until after three days. Jesus wanted to make sure that Lazarus was dead before performing His miracle. He did not want anyone to suggests that Lazarus was just sleeping or in a coma; as may well have happened in previous occasions when He raised someone from the dead. This time He wanted to make sure that the people understood that the power of God can raise people from the dead.

Notice also how Martha reprimands Jesus. "If you had been here, my brother would not have died."

Don't we too, kick back and blame God when something goes wrong in our lives? Note also the faith in that very sentence. She believes that Jesus could have saved Lazarus, had He been here. She reprimands Jesus. That in itself is an expression of faith. There is no point in reprimanding or getting angry with someone who can do nothing about it. But the very fact she reprimands Jesus shows that she knew He could do something about it had He been there.

When we are in great grief, or despair, we sometimes lash out at God. We blame Him for what has happened. This is only natural. It is our human nature speaking.

God knows that and He can take our anger. After all, He took all our anger and hatred when He hung there from the Cross.

Like in Martha's case, God forgives. We should in return hold on to our Faith and believe that everything is possible to God.

Note that Martha also says,"But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask of him." When miracles happen it is always through the will of God, in the name of Jesus. Sometimes people ask Saints for miracles. When the Apostles walked this earth they performed miracles too. See Acts of the Apostles 5:12-16. Also see Peter's miracles when he heals Aeneas and raises Dorcas from the dead. Acts 9:32-43. On both occasions and elsewhere in Acts the Apostles the early Christians performed miracles through the power of God in the name of Jesus. It is God who performs miracles. Not the Saints. Even today miracles happen through the power of God.

"Jesus said to her, ‘Your brother will rise again.’ Martha said to him, ‘I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.’ Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?’ She said to him, ‘Yes, Lord, I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one coming into the world.’"

He re-iterates His message that He has the power to raise Lazarus. And Martha too, confirms that she believes Jesus is the Son of God.

"When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

This is also significant. Mary joins her sister to meet Jesus and she too says, "If you had been here Lazarus would not have died". The crowd murmur that Jesus healed many sick people why did He not come earlier to save Lazarus.

"Jesus said, ‘Take away the stone.’ Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, ‘Lord, already there is a stench because he has been dead for four days.’"

Let there be no doubt that Lazarus is dead.

"And Jesus looked upwards and said, ‘Father, I thank you for having heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I have said this for the sake of the crowd standing here, so that they may believe that you sent me.’ When he had said this, he cried with a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come out!’ The dead man came out, his hands and feet bound with strips of cloth, and his face wrapped in a cloth. Jesus said to them, ‘Unbind him, and let him go.’"

Jesus re-affirms to His Father that this miracle is to make the people believe that He is the Son of God. This whole episode in Christ's life has one main purpose. To make the people believe.

Jesus deliberately arrived late to ensure that Lazarus was dead. Let there be no doubt about that. His sister and the crowd knew that. After four days, in the hot heat, the body would have decomposed and begin to smell.

In previous miracles, many sceptics and cynics would have said that the individual was probably not dead. He may have been in a deep sleep, or in a coma. Not much of a miracle.

This time Jesus waited for four days after death and burial to turn up and raise Lazarus. He wanted there to be no doubt that Lazarus is dead and that he has been raised back to life. No doubt that God's glory, through Him, will be seen by everyone.

Jesus says "unbind him, and let him go." Let that be a message to us when we are unbound from our sins and let go freely forgiven once again.

"Many of the Jews therefore, who had come with Mary and had seen what Jesus did, believed in him."

At last ... some ... of the Jews believed.

From the very beginning Jesus had said, "The final result of this illness will not be the death of Lazarus; this has happened in order to bring glory to God, and it will be the means by which the son of God will receive glory."

Our lesson is to learn that when things go wrong ... very ... very wrong; we need only believe that the end result will be that God is glorified, as is His will.

Thursday, 26 March 2020

Don't Let The Devil Win !


ISBN-13: 979-8628750476

The closer we come to God and the more we love Him, the more the devil fights to derail us and to tempt us away from our Faith. He tried this with Jesus several times, so we should not be much of a match for him. Prayers are always the answer to such onslaughts.

In this book about Father Ignatius we witness the devil tempting and tormenting him time and again; even resorting to physical and mental pain to the much loved priest. The battle between Father Ignatius and the devil is one we may have experienced in our own lives as we too became prey to his evil wiles.

DON’T LET THE DEVIL WIN takes you through a journey often reaching breaking point, and yet affirming that God is always by our side. Only a prayer away. 

This book is full of advice on how to react when confronted with difficult seemingly insurmountable situations in life.  

Available from AMAZON

NOTE: DON'T LET THE DEVIL WIN! is the latest novel featuring Father Ignatius.

Other novels in chronological order are:

Click on the titles for more details.

DON'T LET THE DEVIL WIN! has proved very difficult to write. It is as if the devil did not want it written. He did not want the message that he can be defeated, he can be left at bay, to be spread far and wide. But he can be defeated through prayers and real trust in God.

Normally, when I write a book, the words seem to flow rapidly from my mind and onto the keyboard. This did not happen with this book. There were many starts and stops. Many blank moments in my mind on HOW to write something which needed to be said. There were also many technical problems with the computer and the fear of losing all I had written. I made several back-up copies just in case I'd lose everything.

Anyway, here's the book. I hope you like it and I hope it helps someone somewhere. Please pass on the message to anyone whom you think this book will help.


Peter ... Peter ...

What do we know about Peter?

He was a fisherman chosen by Christ as a disciple. He immediately left his nets by the sea shore and followed Jesus. (Matthew 4:18).

For three years, he and the other disciples, lived with Jesus. They saw Him as a human being, just like them, although He was also God. They heard Him teach, and saw His many miracles: turning water to wine, calming the sea, walking on water and healing the sick and raising the dead.

Peter and the others witnessed all this. Peter in particular was the chosen one by Christ. In many occasions he was one of the few to witness certain events, and to be there when the other disciples were not. What a privilege that is. Being one of the few to be there at certain important times in Christ's life.

But what do we know about Peter's character? And what do we learn from it?

He was the first disciple to be called by Jesus. (Luke 5:1-9).

He can be a little impetuous and acting on impulse. When Jesus walked on water towards the boat Peter asked if he too could walk towards Christ. Jesus said: Yes, and Peter soon jumped into the lake, walked a few steps, then lost Faith and almost drowned. (Matthew 14:22).

He can talk without thinking. When Jesus taught His disciples that He was to die and then rise from the dead, Peter rebuked Christ, his own Master, and told Him this should not happen. (Matthew 16:21).

Days later, when Peter, James and John were up a high mountain with Jesus; and they saw Moses and Elijah talking with Jesus, again, Peter comes forward mouth first and suggests he builds three tents for Jesus, Moses and Elijah. What was he thinking? Having a picnic up there? (Matthew 17:1).

At the last supper it was Peter who refused to have his feet washed. He thought he knew better. (John 13: 1-10).

He was the one who bravely declared that he will never leave Jesus and would die for Him. (Luke 22: 31-34).

When Jesus was arrested, Peter really lost his head. He drew out his sword and attacked the high priest’s servant. (John 18:10).

Yet, not so longer later he denied knowing Jesus three times. (Luke 22:54).

I am sure you can think of other examples to describe Peter's character and behaviour.

So there you have it. A hothead, a loud mouth, who denies His Master even though he said he never would.

Yet, he then went on to lead Christ’s early church to greater things.

Let us now consider Peter after Christ's death and resurrection, and see how Jesus not only forgave him but also prepared him to greater things.

After the resurrection Jesus appeared to His followers several times. On one occasion He appeared by Lake Tiberias to seven disciples, including Peter. After they had eaten Jesus took Peter aside and three times He asked him if he loved Him. Thus indicating that Peter would indeed follow Jesus to bring Glory to God. (John 21: 1-19).

Later on, in Acts Of The Apostles, we see a different Peter. He can now perform miracles. He makes a lame man walk. (Acts 3: 1-9).

Note that Peter says " ... In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, get up and walk!"

He recognises that this new power he has to perform miracles has nothing to do with him personally. But it is through the power of Jesus Christ that he performs such miracles.

Later we learn that not only Peter but all the apostles performed miracles. Sick people sat in the streets awaiting Peter's shadow to fall on them and heal them. (Acts 5: 12-16).

Can you imagine that? Peter's shadow falling on the sick and miraculously healing them.

Imagine for a moment it was you. Imagine that as you walk the streets your shadow falls on a poor beggar sitting there with many ailments and he is healed. How would you feel?

Would you think you're superhuman? Or would you be humbled that God saw you fit to carry on with His work on earth?

How did Peter feel do you think? He knew he was no superman. He knew that despite witnessing all of Christ's powers and miracles he still failed and denied Him three times.

But he knew something else. Despite being such a sinner, Jesus forgave him and gave him the courage and power to rise up and work for God's glory.

And that's how we should feel. We may not have the power to heal the sick, or any other powers we read about in the Bible. But we have the power, and should have the courage, to witness in His name.

Especially now when the secular world does not want to hear.

God is forgiveness. No matter what we have done, no matter what our sin is, if we truly repent and promise not to repeat our sin, God will forgive us and help us to greater things.

Wednesday, 25 March 2020

Do Not Read This


This post contains scenes of a sexual nature. 
Please do not read if you are easily offended.

Now read on ...

I think pigeons are stupid. When I lived in London years ago I was visiting an elderly friend who needed some help in her garden.  I went out in the garden with my ladder; you know, the one that opens like the letter A. I planned to get a little higher up a tree and pick some plums for her.

Two pigeons flew by and landed on the fence separating her garden from the neighbours. I stood still so as not to disturb them. One of them flew to the other fence; followed by the other a few seconds afterwards. Then the first one flew on the ground; followed by the other. Up on the fence; followed by the other. It walked up and down the fence; followed by the other.

It was obvious the follower, the male, wanted to get acquainted and buy her a coffee. She did not seem interested. Or did she?

He used all the old time-tried chat-up lines, "What is a nice lady like you doing in a garden like this?"

I was offended at the disparaging remark about this old lady's garden. But I waited and said nothing.

He then said, "Heaven must be missing an angel. 'Cause you're here with me right now."

I thought, "Really? This is an old 1976 song by Tavares which I used to play on the radio! Can't you think of something more modern?"

He ignored me and continued talking amorously to the uninterested female pigeon.

This reminded me of my chat-up lines when I was young.

"Hey up! Would ye like a Big Mac and a milkshake?"

She said no! I replied, "I only asked because I want to go to the toilet. They have one at McDonald's!"

Do you remember any chat-up lines from when you were courting? Share them with us.

Anyway, the two pigeons took their love-making to the next level; which I will not describe.

I just said, "Oh ... get a room!"

I did not realise that my voice carried, because from the other side of the fence a female voice said, "I didn't realise you can see us. Where are you?"

I couldn't run away. She'd heard me. I sheepishly climbed up the ladder and there, with her boy friend, she was doing on the trampoline what you are imagining now.

"Hi," she said, "it's more exciting when there's a risk of being found out!"

I nodded and waved my hand and got off the ladder.

So there you have it. Plenty for you to comment on and have a discussion.


Chat-up lines.


Anything else on your mind ...

Tuesday, 24 March 2020

It's all in my thoughts, really.

I was thinking the other day ... which came first? The chicken or the egg? So I ordered both from AMAZON. I'll let you know when they arrive.

It's like asking, why did the chicken cross the road? Who cares. Probably to go to the KFC restaurant.

Why do people think up stupid sayings and somehow they catch on and everyone is repeating them?

Like for instance, they say an elephant never forgets. Well, that's not true. I have never received a birthday card from an elephant. You'd have thought at least one of them would remember.

Personally, I have a memory of an elephant. I remember years ago I went to London Zoo and saw an elephant. What a memory that was!

What is the point really of going to a zoo? I think zoos should only have five animals. The rest are a total unnecessary waste. Children go to zoos to see the lion, the tiger, the elephant, the giraffe and of course the monkeys. The rest are not important.

Who really cares about going to the zoo and seeing a tortoise? Or a frog? Or snakes? Or a hyena? Or a snail?

Which reminds me. A hyena in the forest meets some monkeys and asks for their help. Apparently, every so often a lion attacks it and beats it black and blue. The monkeys agree to help. A little later the lion attacks the hyena in a ferocious fight. The monkeys all climb up a tree and watch.

Eventually, the lion has had enough fun and walks away, leaving the hyena torn to pieces.

"Why did you not help me?" the hyena asks the monkeys.

They replied, "You were laughing so much we thought you were enjoying it!"

As for the snail. One day as I was going to work I noticed a snail on my doorstep. I nearly trod on it and killed it. To save it from a mishap I picked it up and threw it in a bush some three feet away out of harm's way.

A week later the doorbell rang. I opened the door and the snail said, "What was all that about, throwing me in the bush?"

Did you know that if a snail climbed up your leg it would be three days before you're surprised?

Talking of going to work; I tell you what caught my eye the other day. A short man with an umbrella. Why can't people be careful when opening their umbrellas?

I walked passed a Coffee Bar. Not many people there. Did you know that coffee is not everyone's cup of tea?

I called on the doctor and told him my eye hurts every time I drink tea. He said, "Take the spoon out of the cup first!"

I then went by a furniture store. They had beds and mattresses on a sale of 25% off. I bought a memory mattress. Now it is trying to blackmail me!

Did you know that 13% of babies are conceived in an IKEA bed? Surprising since those stores are usually well lit.

At the same Department Store I tried to buy a lovely negligent for my wife. I asked the sales lady, "Is this satin?"

"No," she said, "it is brand new!" (Think about this one. I did not understand it when I first thought of it).

Further on down the road there was a glazier fixing a broken shop window. My uncle was a glazier. One day he changed all the glass in an office block. Then he realized he had a crack in his spectacles.

As I walked through the park a loose dog bit my leg. It's owner said to me, "It's karma!"

"No," I said, "he seems much angrier now!"

When I got to work I discovered my secretary totally distraught because her cat had died. So I went to the pet shop and bought her an identical cat. Now she has two dead cats.

Talking of which, I have been going to a grief counsellor for the past month. He taught me all about dealing with grief. He was very good. He died this morning and I did not care one bit.

(Sorry ... in bad taste. I'm struggling here to get a smile from you!)

I lived in a very rough district when I was young. If you were a stranger and you were lost the people would give you directions and then follow you in the park to mug you.

Many of my friends had a difficult up-bringing with uncaring parents. Fred for instance. He did not know what it's like to be wanted until he saw his picture on a police notice board.

My parents used to make me walk the plank. We did not have a dog.

People were very poor then. They bought a lot of things on loan and paid a little every week including extortionate interest. They borrowed from loan sharks.

I remember a family who borrowed money to bury their Nan when she died. On the second week they could not afford to pay.

The loan shark said, "You'd better pay up or up she comes!"

I think that's enough for now, before you start throwing rotten tomatoes.

Monday, 23 March 2020

We've Been Burgled


This post contains distressing scenes that may upset some readers. 
It is not suitable for people with a nervous or sensitive disposition.

You've been warned.

Now read on ...

We've been burgled. It happened some days ago. The whole event is still imprinted in my mind.

Let me first explain that we are cautious. We always leave the living room light on at night whether we are in or out. It helps deter people and it makes them think we are in; even when we are in.

Let me also say that sometimes, not always, I sleep naked. It's a thing we do. I guess many of you do it too.

You may say I am stripper.
But I'm not the only one.
I hope some day you'll join us. 
But I doubt there's enough room in our bed.

Anyway, we were in bed and there was a noise downstairs. I did not hear it because I was fast asleep and dreaming something or other. But she woke me up and whispered loudly, "there's a burglar downstairs ... get up!"

I was up with a start. You would if suddenly stirred but not shaken. 

"Go down and investigate," she hissed like a dragon. 

Why is it always the man who has to do the dangerous jobs? Why don't you women protect us for a change?

I got up still half-asleep and got ready to go down.

"Wait ..." she hissed again, "you're not going down naked! I don't want him to think I'm easily satisfied! Put on your dressing gown."

I could not find my gown. She gave me hers.

Great use that was. It is very short, transparent, does not even cover my essentials, and has no buttons or zipper up front; only a tiny belt to wrap round your waist.

I put it on and got down slowly and stealthy like a TV hero would do.

I was nervous and afraid. The adrenalin was pumping through my body. I was ready to fight the intruder and protect my family and property with all my weakness and cowardice.

The living room lights were on. I entered and found a beautiful young blonde woman standing there. I'd not noticed the belt had got undone and the gown was wide open.

"Hello," she said, "you must be Dorothy's husband. Do you always greet your guests naked, or is this just for me?"

I did not know what to say. My brain was all scrambled. I just stood there totally confused as to who this woman who knows me is; and how she got into my house.

"You must be cold," she said mockingly looking me up and down ... mostly down. 

"Who the bloody hell are you?" I asked.

"We've never met," she said smiling nonchalantly, "I am Helen Turvey. I am a friend of Dorothy. I told her I'd arrive late from London and she said the lights will be on and she left the spare key behind the flower pot outside."

I pulled the gown shut on my chest. What's the use? She was not looking at my chest.

As I stood there in a daze making sense of what she just told me, the young woman said, "well don't just stand there darling I need a drink."

Before I could answer, the dragon came down from upstairs and said, "Stop showing off and go get dressed!"

I mean ... what's the point? Why do people who have been caught out stark naked suddenly panic and cover their bits. It's already been seen ... and compared. It's too late now!

As I said, we've been burgled. She stole my dignity. For the whole weekend she stayed with us I could see her undressing me every time she looked at me and smiled.

Have you ever been caught out naked? How did you react?


This is a fictitious story for your entertainment and amusement only. The world needs a bit of hilarity right now.

The scenes in this article have been performed by professional actors with expert training and experience.

Please do not try this at home unless you are in mixed company of people who wish to partake.

Sunday, 22 March 2020

God's Waiting Room

I had to go for a medical check up recently. They call me every now and then to check whether my sense of humour is still intact.

I hate waiting in the waiting-room with other people, most of whom look so miserable I'm sure they wouldn't bring a smile between them at a funeral.

I fumbled through the magazines most of which are so old they might as well be written in Latin, covering such exciting subjects like Equestrian Monthly, Yachting World, and Mountaineering. Why do doctors and dentists have these types of magazines in their waiting-rooms? Looking around me, I doubt any of these people could take part in any of these activities anyway. I on the other hand ...

They have a big monitor in the waiting-room and every so often it shows your name and which room to go to. Meanwhile they show adverts for vaccinations and immunisations, medical check-ups for all sorts of illnesses, health insurance, and even old peoples' homes and funeral directors. You can't get more cheerful than that, can you?

Eventually my turn came and I went in to see the pretty young nurse. She smiled and asked me to sit down next to her and then she read off the computer monitor the results she had received from the hospital. She pointed at the screen and explained all the figures there. Cholesterol levels, sugar levels, and this and that level and so on.

She then suggested she takes my blood pressure. As she leant forward towards me to take my pulse and blood pressure I noticed that a couple of buttons on her blouse were undone. Not surprisingly, my heart beat and blood pressure were higher than normal.

One improvement the medical profession can make is not to have pretty young nurses take your blood pressure. A dragon with flaming nostrils on the other hand would frighten one so much that blood temperature would probably freeze to below zero and register no pressure at all.

But what has all this to do with the title to this article?

Well, whilst waiting in that waiting-room I wondered what it's like waiting in God's Waiting-Room.

You know ... when you are waiting there for your final diagnosis and decision.

Fumbling through whatever magazines they have there, like how to fit new wings on an Angel, or how to learn to play the harp in ten easy lessons. I bet you all the magazines will be in Latin or Aramaic. Why can't the magazines be in English? I always thought God is English. After all, all the Bibles I've read are in English, so He must be English.

Anyway, imagine sitting there in God's Waiting-Room fretting and worrying about what He will say.  Mentioning all the things we have done or omitted to do in our life on earth. All the things we've said or not said. Hurting other people. I wonder what results will show up on God's computer monitor and whether the results will be pleasing all round or not. What if His computer is wrong? But then, God is never wrong is He?

Too late to worry now. What's been done has been done and now is the time for the final reckoning. Now is the time to find out whether we are really "dead" for eternity or whether we'd be welcomed into His loving arms.

But then ... the moral of this story surely is ... just as we have plenty of opportunities now to keep our health in check and to monitor it when it is not as well as it should be. Surely now is also the time to monitor the state of our soul's health so that when we are in that Heavenly Waiting-Room we'd have no reason to worry at all.