If there’s anything more testing than having Australian Aunt
Gertrude staying with us for a (long) time it is having Aunt Philomena join us
as well.
Let me explain.
Aunt Gertrude is from Australia and has not met her cousin
Aunt Philomena, who lives somewhere in Wales with a long and unpronounceable
name, for a long time. (That’s the place which has a long unpronounceable name,
not Aunt Philomena – her surname is rather short: Tet).
Anyway, as I was saying before interrupting myself; the two
Aunts have not met for many years. Gertrude went to Australia in her early
twenties and Philomena married a Welshman and lived in Wales since she was a
similar age. If I remember well, the two ladies are six months older than each
other, but don’t ask me who is older than the other since ladies never reveal
their age.
Have you noticed, by the way, that old people, men and
women, never reveal their age directly. They say: I’ll be 79 next September, rather
than I’m 78.
Anyway, I seem to have interrupted myself once again. Must
stop doing that. It confuses my train of thought.
Have you also noticed how trains seem to run less frequently
than in the past? They announced at the railway station over the loudspeakers
that trains were cancelled due to shortage of staff. Why can’t they employ
taller people?
As I was saying, or meant to say, the two Aunts are in their
mid to late sixties and haven’t met for many years.
As soon as Aunt Philomena arrived Aunt Gertrude greeted her
and then in her pronounced Australian accent declared “You don’t half speak
funny cobber! Do you all speak like that in wheels?”
Yes, she pronounced Wales as wheels.
After a short period of greetings and reminiscing about the
past, which lasted about half a day, the two ladies started to exert their
authority like two animals marking their territory. Never mind my family and I
living here in the first place. We became unwilling bystanders whilst the two
Aunties sorted out who was boss.
Aunt Gertrude made the first move by declaring that she was
the appointed nurse to look after the household’s “invalid”. That’s exactly
what she called me. It was her way of saying to Aunt Philomena, “Keep out. He
is in my care!”
Aunt Philomena hissed sotto voce in a broad Welsh dialect “No
wonder he’s not getting any better!”
The rest of the family exchanged knowing glances and smiles
and said nothing. Better not to interfere when two giants take centre stage on
life’s comedic drama.
I must say though, the two Aunts, working independently,
proved a great help to our family as they took on various household tasks. It
allowed life to go on as normal even though I was often left at home alone with
the two of them. I dreaded what they would say to each other, or do, to try to
help me get better!
“You’re not giving him soup again?” said Philomena on one
occasion, “you’ll have him run to the toilet every few minutes!”
“Better than the stew you prepared yesterday, cobber!” went
the quick Australian response, “it looked like road-kill!”
“It was not road kill. It was the best cut of lamb!” was
Philomena’s hurt response.
“I bet the lamb was quite happy to have it cut!” retorted
Gertrude resulting in a game, set and match win to her.
On another occasion, a light bulb in our lounge reached its
end of life. I suggested we leave it until the younger members of the family
arrived and then it would be changed. The two Aunts would not hear any of it.
They had to prove they were perfectly capable of changing a light bulb.
They fetched the step ladder – well, Gertrude went for the
ladder first followed by Philomena with a replacement bulb.
They simultaneously placed the step ladder under the light
fittings on the ceiling. I suggested they let things be, but neither heard my
pleas. They were determined to get the bulb changed and each wanted to claim
the credit for it.
Gertrude tried to climb the ladder first.
“No … let me” said Philomena still holding the replacement
bulb, “I am fitter than you!”
This was like a declaration of war to Aunt Gertrude who
replied “What do you mean cobber? You’re fitter than me? You probably meant
fatter but I could not understand your wheelsh accent! I’m surprised your thin
legs can carry all that weight!”
For a few seconds there was silence. I cowered in my seat and
prayed for peace.
Gertrude climbed up the ladder shakily whilst Philomena held
her legs to steady her as she went up.
“Let go my legs cobber!” said Gertrude “I’m perfectly
capable of climbing by myself!”
“I’m only helping” replied Philomena as the ladder shook
from side to side.
The inevitable happened. Gertrude lost her balance and as
she leaned to one side Philomena attempted to help her by grasping at her hips.
Gertrude fell pulling Philomena with her and both crashed onto the nearby couch
which broke their fall.
They landed onto the couch with legs flying in the air. It
was a sight not for the faint-hearted.
Luckily I was sitting on the easy chair opposite providing
me with a vantage viewpoint from a safe distance. Had I been on the couch I
would have been crushed by a surplus of Aunties!
I waited a few seconds to see if either of them had died or
broken any bones or limbs.
To my surprise, they both got up and burst into fits of
laughter.
I knew that all was well and my prayers had been answered.
Peace had returned once again. From that day both Aunts became the best of
friends. I dread their new found collaboration into nursing me back to good
health.
