Forgive me Lord

 

I wonder ... how many of us ask God for forgiveness when we pray? When we are alone in prayer, we most likely ask for favours, we request healing for others or oursleves, we may even thank God every now and then for what we have and for answered prayers ... but how often do we ask for forgiveness?

You know how it is ... we all sin. We lose our temper with someone else, we get impatient, we half-listen when someone is talking and possibly interfering with our TV viewing ... there are so many sins we commit almost naturally and don't even stop to think about them. Perhaps we don't even consider them as sins ... Just part of human life. Everyone loses their temper or not pay attention every so often to someone else. So what? Is it a sin worth bothering God about?

Let's consider this last thought.

Is it a sin worth bothering God about?

The fact remains that we did something wrong, and the other person may have forgiveness us for losing our temper or whatever. But it is still a sin in the eyes of God. It is a sin against His Commandment to love one another. So ... is it a sin worth confessing in prayer?

Oh ... and another thing. Do we ever seek forgiveness from God for worrying? 

Yes I know ... we all worry about this and that and about certain people and future events and so on. It's only natural. Everyone does it.

But is it a sin?

Does worry betray a certain lack of confidence, a certain lack of faith in God? When we worry, are we in fact saying that we don't believe God will answer our prayers, our fears and our confusions? Are we saying that He is perhaps not capable of doing so? Are we even doubting His own existence?

Because in essence that's what worry is. The fear of something beyond God's capability or willingness to help. Hence, worry is a sin against God.

Let's think about that a bit more ... ... ...

You are romantica

 

It's country music time once more. I know not everyone appreciates country music but the lyrics can often be ... oh ... so romantic. Like this song by Hoyt Axton for instance.

 

 

YOU'RE THE HANGNAIL IN MY LIFE

Hoyt Axton

 

You're the dead course I put in my frigedaire

You're the flaky specks of dandruff in my hair

You're the tickle in my throat that makes me cough

You're the hangnail in my life

And I can't bite you off

 

You're the soap suds and pollution in my stream

When I'm sleeping you're the nightmare in my dream

You're the fattening foods that sometimes gives me gout

You're just like my ingrown toe nail

Cause I can't cut you out

 

You're the sun that gives me sunburn

You're the cinder in my eye

Your voice can make my stomach turn

You're the rain cloud in my sky

 

Instrumental

 

You're the dirty ring around my clean bath tub

You're the razor blade that always leaves the nubs

You're the broken handle on my coffee cup

You're a tire that just went flat

And I can't pump you up

 

You're the sun that gives me sunburn

You're the cinder in my eye

Your voice can make my stomach turn

You're the rain cloud in my sky

 

You're the cycle seat that made me saddle sore

You're the piece of chalk that scrapes across the board

You're the tickle in my throat that makes me cough

You're the hangnail in my life

And I can't bite you off

 

Whoa, you're the hangnail in my life

But I can't bite you off

Being a Good Samaritan

I got out of the supermarket and I was putting my shopping in the car in their car park. I looked down, and there on the ground was a bee on its back with its legs moving weakly. It could have been a wasp, or a yellow jacket, or a bee as I suspected. The thing is, here it was, whatever it was, on its back and probably dying.

I did not know what to do. Leave it and drive off? Squash it and drive off? Call for an ambulance?

Was it hungry perhaps? Exhausted from flying too far away from its nest? Lost her direction and compass like so many people these days? 

These and many other questions crossed my mind which at the time were of no help to the creature on the ground. Like, I wonder whether I should buy more peanut butter seeing it is on offer.

Anyway, I went back into the supermarket and bought a small box of matches from their tobacconist counter. Not a big box. The one that is just the right size for a bee, or wasp, or yellow jacket.

I threw away the matches and put the bee in the box. (Note: For brevity I will refer to the creature as a bee from now on, even though it might be something else).

I still did not know what to do, having temporarily rescued the bee from its upside down fate on the ground. So I Tweeted about it and asked for suggestions.

Sadly, I have no Tweet followers so no one answered. I mean ... what is the point of being on Twitter if no one reads me? I'm not on Facebook, or WhatsApp, Instagram or any other such social media outlets. Did you know that FB has 2.9 billion Monthly Active Users and I am not one of them. And it's too late for the bee if I joined now.

So I drove aimlessly towards a vet which I knew existed in that part of town. I parked the car in the street and rushed into the building and told the receptionist this is an emergency.

She asked the nature of the problem. I put my hand in my trouser pocket to retrieve the matchbox and said, "I have the problem here!" 

She looked down at my hand in the trousers pocket and said, "This is not that kind of medical establishment Sir!"

"The problem is a bee!" I said in a low but very firm voice.

"Oh ..." she whispered, "did a bee sting you there?"

"No ..." I said taking out the matchbox; at which point the box fell to the ground and got accidentally open. The bee, suddenly revived I don't know how, got out and started flying all over the waiting room panicking all the other "patients" and their owners. 

There were dogs barking everywhere. Cats in cages jumping and scartching to get out.

An old lady dropped her cage with a parrot in it which started screeching and swearing in French! "Salaud ..." it kept screeching, "salaud ... salaud ... salaud ..." which means wooden clogs or shoes I think.

A hamster or gerbil escaped from someone's hands and ran all over the place followed by a Doberman and a Dachshund. At one point the Doberman bit the Dachshund which started screaming in pain. 

A young boy dropped his injured little bird and a cat pounced on it hoping for a quick meal.

Meanwhile all the humans where shouting and screaming trying to save their pets and avoid a flying bee going here there and everywhere causing pandemonium in the vet's establishment.

The receptionist accused me of deliberately causing a disturbance and asked her assistant to call the police. I tried to explain but no one would listen. A yappy little dog jumped off its owner's lap and bit my leg causing me to lean forwards and hitting my head on the receptionist's nose causing a nosebleed.

The vet and another man came in and tried to calm the situation down. Eventually the police arrived and asked me to go with them in another room.

I explained the situation. After a while they said that although my story did not sound plausible, other witnesses had said that it was accidental and that the matchbox fell to the ground and opened then; rather than me opening it. The other people also said that I looked innocent enough and the whole thing was not intentional.

I left the vet's practice leaving the bee behind, (assuming it was still there and had not flown out of the window).

I wonder if that little bird is OK and saved by its owner, or did the cat eat him.  

Sharpen your sense of humour

It's good to have a sense of humour. I find it keeps me happy when all around me is dull and sad and grey. So a bit of silly jollity and fun is what the doctor's ordered; even though you can't read his handwriting on the prescription.

Anyway ... what was I saying before you interrupted me ... oh yes ... jollity and all that. I've been told I have a peculiar sense of humour, which often got me in trouble at work. Let me give you some examples which you can try at home. These are tried and tested jollity type things you can try for yourself on friends and family.

On one occasion we had guests visiting, so before they arrived I went to the toilet and carefully unscrewed the toilet handle to flush it. (See photo above). The handle balanced delicately where it is meant to be. I told the family to use the bathroom upstairs.

It was fun waiting for a guest to go to the restroom downstairs and as they tried to flush the toilet the handle came out in their hand. Would they admit to having broken it? Would they say nothing? Try to fix it? What fun I had when someone, (an elderly lady from our Church committee), came back from the rest room and said nothing all evening. She was followed in by someone else who also obviously found the handle not where it was meant to be and said nothing too.

On yet another occasion I was alone at home waiting for some people from work. Only one turned up. A lady manager from Sales. I left her in the TV room and went to the kitchen to prepare some tea.

I previously had a cup which had fallen to the ground and broke neatly ... very neatly ... in two places.

You could put the two halves together and no one would notice the cup was broken. So I put this and another cup on the tray, together with a pot of tea and milk. As I placed the tray on the table I pretended to have forgotten the sugar and went back to the kitchen telling my colleague to pour the tea.

You can imagine what happened when hot tea went in the "two-halves" cup. The cup split in two and there was tea everywhere. The woman was mortified and apologised profusely thinking she had broken the beautiful expensive china cup. I pretended it didn't matter, and that made her feel even worse. What fun that was! (I hope she doesn't read this Blog).

Another prank you might try ... we were having a number of guests for an evening meal. About ten people or so. Too many for their coats and jackets to hang on the coat hanger. So I told them to go up to the spare bedroom, first room on the right upstairs, and leave their coats on the bed.

There on the bed, on a plate, was a fresh fish which I'd placed earlier.

I had no intention of eating the fish. It was given to the cat later that evening. I just put it there to test my guests' reactions. Not one of them said a thing. 

The first course of the meal was salmon. I noticed most of the guests were hesitant to partake; especially the women. My wife did not know about the prank I'd played with the fish on the bed. Which made it all more fun. I just went up and removed the fish and gave it to the cat who promised me total secrecy.

The last fun example was purely fortuitous. I did not plan it.

I was at home alone. The family had gone to London. I got a call from work at about 5:00pm saying I was needed for an urgent meeting at our HQ up North. I packed an overnight case and planned to travel very early the next morning. I'd be away from home for about 36 hours or perhaps two days. 

I rang the neighbour and asked her if she could pop in the following day and feed the hamster in his cage. She had a key to our house. She was a kind lady who loved animals and always taught our children how to look after pets like dogs, cats, rabbits and so on. She readily agreed.

The following morning as I was leaving home I noticed the hamster was dead in his cage. He must have died in the night. It was too early in the morning, about 5:30am, for me to ring my neighbour and tell her. I left on my travels and forgot all about it.

You guessed it. She came to feed the hamster and found him dead. 

When I returned home she came running to our house apologising and explaining that she found him dead. She did not do anything to harm him. She said she liked pets and was most ashamed and worried that our hamster had died.

I did not tell her that the creature was already dead because this would have made matters worse. I tried to calm her down with a sherry, (or was it brandy?) I remember she had two glasses!

So there you have it. Three tricks you can play yourselves and have fun when you're feeling a little down.

The (Selfish) Ten Commandments

THE (SELFISH) TEN COMMANDMENTS

1             Thou shalt be selfish at all times and look after Number One first – that is yourself

2             Thou shalt have at least two holidays a year, preferably abroad, as a right and not as a fortunate personal circumstance to be thankful for

3             Thou shalt be greedy in every personal respect whether relating to food, drink, or any other form of personal pleasure

4             Thou shalt be personally enslaved in some form of modern deity, whether it be a sports team, TV personality or celebrity of any kind, or anyone else or thing you admire; and thou shalt follow their fortunes and be personally affected by them be that in a positive or negative way

5             Thou shalt create thyself as a celebrity in your own right by engaging in whichever social media vehicle is available for you to publicise yourself, your lifestyle, your thoughts and opinions as well as your innermost personal information, in order to gain and obtain as many idolising followers as you do unto others

6             Thou shalt go on a spending spree at all times regardless as to whether you can afford it or not, be it for clothing, property or in whatever other material form, and then to flaunt it unto others thus creating in them the overwhelming need and desire to compete with you

7             Thou shalt take total disregard to any health advice given and convince yourself that you will never be affected as it will never happen to you anyway

8             Thou shalt never accept any personal responsibility for anything that happens to you, your loved ones, or any other person as it is never your fault; and it is always the responsibility and fault of someone else whether in authority or not, whether now or in the past or in the future, or whether or not have they ever had the slightest jurisdiction of that element of your life. Remember that it is always someone else’s fault and never yours since you are a hapless victim of circumstances. Remembering also that revenge is the new forgiveness and to do unto others before they do it unto you

9             Thou shalt always consider yourself to be in the right and never in the wrong and in being so it follows that everyone else is wrong and should be called out, vilified, labelled, libelled, slandered and persecuted into silence unless they agree with you

10           Thou shalt never consider anything in the long term since it is better to live now and forget about tomorrow or any other morrow, thus concentrating your pleasure on the here and now and not the thereafter since there is no thereafter anyway

 11          Being selfish, thou shalt have more than just Ten Commandments – add others as you desire hereinafter

A Cup Of Humour

 

A CUP OF HUMOUR

  AVAILABLE

FROM HERE

KINDLE HERE

Do you ever read a book in public and laugh out loud? On the bus for instance, or the train, or at the hairdresser or other public places? I don't mean just a smile to yourself, or a semi-giggle; but laughing out loud at something you've just read. 

This happened to me the other day as I was reading one of my books. I was at a school parents' evening. Everyone was sitting cinema fashion and the headmaster was on the stage telling the parents that the school needed more funds for repairs to the roof, also money was needed for this and that, and unless generous donations arrived soon the school would close down. I was reading my book A CUP OF HUMOUR and I burst out laughing.   

My wife is still giving me the silent treatment. No sense of humour some people.

I think that life is too serious to be taken seriously. And seriousness makes you frown and have lines all over your face. Wrinkles that make you look older than you really are. Like the headmaster for instance, he has a face like a bed which has been slept in ... ... !!!

 

With humour you smile more often, or you giggle, or even laugh out loud. Such joviality makes you look happy and fights the signs of ageing and wrinkles.

I knew an old lady once who always laughed at anything. Despite her age of ninety, the only wrinkle she had was the one she was sitting on.

So if you want to look young and feel happy, sit back and relax with A CUP OF HUMOUR. It will make you feel better.

If you enjoy reading this book half as much as I have enjoyed writing it, then I will have enjoyed it twice as much as you. I have written it slowly to make it last longer. Sometimes I couldn't wait to reach the punchline and fell of my chair whilst writing. 

I still write the old fashioned way you know, with a quill made from a goose feather. I go to the park where they have geese and ducks and mosquitoes ... plenty of mosquitoes. I blame Noah for bringing them on board. I pick up from the ground any feathers that the birds have dropped whilst moulting. At home I sharpen the end of the feather with a little knife, (known as penknife), and then I use the quill I have made to tap the keys on my computer keyboard. 

Anyway ... I hope you enjoy A CUP OF HUMOUR.

MODESTLY PRICED

TO SPREAD THE LAUGHTER FURTHER

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Waterproof version not available. But this book can still be read in the shower or bath as long as you take care and you are yourself waterproof.

READ WHAT SOME FAMOUS PEOPLE SAID ABOUT 

"A CUP OF HUMOUR"

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter; some day I intend reading it - Groucho Marx.

A room without books is like a body without a soul - Cicero.

Some books should be tasted, some devoured, but only a few should be chewed and digested thoroughly. - Sir Francis Bacon.

There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it. - Bertrand Russell. 

I kept always two books in my pocket, one to read, one to write in. - Robert Louis Stevenson.

Literature is a luxury; fiction is a necessity. - G.K. Chesterton. 

GET YOUR COPY NOW

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UK LINK

 

PLEASE TEST UK LINK AND LET ME KNOW IF IT WORKS

 

Thinking Alert

 

You'd better sit down folks and take it easy. Prepare a favourite drink and try to relax, because I've been thinking. That kaleidoscope non-stop sequential random collection of thoughts suddenly came to mind out of nowhere; and so fast and furious that I had to sit down and immediately stand up again.

Who is it that casually left a knitting pack, together with sharp needles, on my favourite armchair? Why are people so careless? I could have caused myself a serious injury had it not been for the fact that I saw the packet in-between my legs as I was about to sit down. 

Now you may well ask, what was I looking for in-between my legs as I was sitting down? Well ... MYOB (mind your own business). Suffice it to say that just as well that I am not a woman wearing a dress otherwise I would not have seen the packet. So that's one advantage to being a man, I suppose. 

As I removed the packet and sat down the series of random thoughts began with the varied types of people that exist in our world - intelligent clever ones, dim dumb ones, kind ones and one's with doubtful parentage, energetic people and those lazy ones who would need help to get them to the ground if they fainted, boring people ... ... ... why are there boring people? Why did God create boring people? I guess it is because God wants you to appreciate witty people like me! I would prefer the company of myself to that of boring people.

Then ... for some reason ... my attention changed, probably distracted by an advert on TV. I have a very short attention span. One moment I'm thinking of this and ... ... ...

Where was I? Have we had dinner yet? What day is it? I like Sundays because we have Sunday roast. It isn't as good on any other day because it is cold then. 

Oh yes ... the advert on TV ... it was about a new exciting book telling people how to down-size and become minimalist. We all have so many things we don't need. So much clutter in our lives. Things we would wish to get rid off yet somehow, for some reason or other, we still keep them in our lives. Like the mother-in-law for instance. My wife insists we should be kind to her. I don't know why.

The book advises that you prepare a list of all the things in your life and divide them into groups like essentials you cannot live without, sentimental nice things you have a major attachment to, those you have a lower attachment to, and so on until you have identified those items you can get rid off.

I'm quite taken by this idea of minimalism and not having things you don't need. So I decided not to buy the book.

I started down-sizing some years ago. Furniture for example. I got rid of things like my wardrobe (armoire) where I used to keep my clothes; and used the spare space in our bedroom to store my pebbles collection, also my collection of door handles which I kept from when I used to be a door-to-door salesman selling doors, my catalogues of dust-bunnies carefully pressed amongst the pages and dated as to when they were found and where, and other knick-knacks collected through the years.

I now keep my clothes in old pillow cases each labelled as to content; like shirts, trousers, underwear, socks and so on. Not forgetting of course adding a generous dose of moth balls for safekeeping and added aroma.

Have you seen the size of moth balls lately? As big as squirrels' nuts, some of them.

The other day I picked up a pillow case and tried to pull out a shirt and the moths pulled it back shouting, "Hey ... this is ours!"

Anyway ... what was I saying? I forgot!

Who are you? What are you doing here reading my thoughts alone? Invite someone else.