Dear Agony Uncle,
This is the first time I write in to your Newspaper Column. I am a woman over 35 years old and, not to put too fine a point on it, I find that with age certain parts of one's body travel South. I fear I am not as attractive as I once was when I go on a date. Any advice?
Dear Anonymous First-time Writer,
Fear not. They say the sands of times in an hour glass go down not up. Whatever that means. Rest assured that your problem happens to most of us, men and women, and short of spending the rest of your life walking upside down on your hands there is nothing much you can do. Even that would be embarrassing when wearing a dress or a skirt. They also say that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, so dating someone short-sighted might help. They also say that beauty is skin deep. So you may want to try wearing many layers of clothing so your date will take longer looking at you.
Whatever you decide to do, do not go for the option my friend did. When he went on a strict diet to lose weight he ended up with a lot of loose skin hanging
about his body in the chest and lower area. So he went for a new treatment where they "pull up" the loose
skin up his body a bit at a time, and they stretch the skin upwards so
much that any extra skin is then somehow tied up and hidden behind the
back of his neck. It
worked so well that now he looks twenty years younger. Unfortunately,
his bellybutton (navel) is on his forehead. He also has a new unusual tie too.
Dear Uncle Vic,
As a newly married man, I get embarrassed when I go to the rest room and
break wind noisily. My wife could hear me. What do you suggest I do?
Dear Thunderblast,
Such foods like beans, sprouts and cabbage, nice as they are, tend to
create gaseous substances therein which need to come thereout, sometimes
accompanied with heightened decibels. Short of avoiding such foods, I
suggest you do like me and take a radio with you to the rest room and
play it loudly to cover up other unwanted sounds. I suggest playing
"Blowing in the wind" by Bob Dylan is very effective in this respect.
Dear Agony,
I have joined a new Dating Site on-line and gave them all my details. Unfortunately, instead of posting my picture I accidentally sent a photo of my dog instead. What do you suggest I do?
Dear dog lover,
Yours is a relatively minor problem easily solved by writing to the Dating Agency. I once sent in my real photo to such an agency and they returned it back with a note saying; "We're not that desperate!"
Dear Agony Vic,
I live in an apartment block and the walls here are too thin. To get straight to the point - I cannot sleep at night because I hear the young couple living next door making very personal noises from their bedroom. I have tried sleeping with my head under the pillow to no effect. What do you suggest?
Dear Sleepless Nights,
What you are doing is very dangerous. I knew a man who slept with his head under the pillow and the Tooth Fairy took out all his teeth.
Dear Agony Uncle,
I am writing to you from hospital. The instructions on the Quick Cook Rice packet said: "Take one sachet from the packet and stand in boiling water for 5 minutes." I did just that and burnt my feet.
Dear Master Cook,
I sympathise with you. I think instructions on food packets should be clear for any idiot to understand.
Dear Uncle Vic,
Our dog keeps biting the postman. He also chewed the postman's hat. What shall I do?
Dear Careless Dog Owner,
First of all you should keep your dog under control and take responsibility for your dog's and your actions - or inactions. Secondly, buy him Woof Woof Dog Food. It is the only dog food that tastes of a postman's leg. That should deter him from doing it again.
Dear Know-it-all Agony Column Idiot,
I did not like the way you responded to my last letter about my dog's behaviour. In fact I do not like your attitude!
Dear Dog Owner,
It is not my 'at he chewed; it's the postman's at he chewed!
Dear Agony Uncle,
I am caught in a heart-breaking situation. Do you remember the song "Torn between two lovers" by
Mary MacGregor in 1976? Well, I am in this very situation. I have fallen in love with two men. One of them is young, my age really, he is a multi-millionaire, drives a Lamborghini, lives in a palace and adores me very much. The other one is a little older, he is not that wealthy, poor even, he is an archaeologist, and says he loves me very much. I love them both, but do not know who I should marry. What do you think?
Dear Lover,
I think you should marry the archaeologist because the older you get the more interested he will be in you.
Dear Vic,
We have ants in our house and cannot get rid of them. We have tried everything. Can you help?
Dear Ant Invasion,
Indeed I can help. Get a flat stone. Place on it a mixture of sugar and pepper. The ants will be attracted by the sugar, breathe in the pepper, sneeze, and knock themselves dead against the stone. Simples!!!
