Saturday, 29 December 2012

More Scientific Facts




Did you know that Absolute Zero is the lowest possible temperature you can ever get to? You just cannot get any lower than Absolute Zero.

It is in fact -273.15° on the Celsius scale and −459.67° on the Fahrenheit scale. It is over 100 kilos on the bathroom scale if you have been over-eating lately.

At Absolute Zero nothing really happens. The buses will not run so it is pointless waiting for them at the bus stop. And don’t even be tempted to lick the bus stop sign whilst you're there because there may be all sort of germs on it.

Absolute Zero is also what most men get from their wives when they've said something that upsets them.

Moving up from Absolute Zero, the highest temperature that has ever been recorded is on a ladder 35 feet tall. It was when an amorous young knight in Olde England attempted to deliver a plate of spaghetti to his paramour who was trapped in a tower because the door was frozen solid and he couldn't turn the key in the lock.

Which reminds me … I once saw a ghost with an eye-patch! He said he was going through the keyhole when someone put the key in.

Hot temperatures can be very hazardous to health, especially in the kitchen whilst cooking. Most accidents in the home happen in the kitchen. Scientists believe this would not be the case if people cooked their meals in the bedroom instead. But unfortunately people rarely follow scientific instructions.

The instructions on the packet of quick cook rice said “Take sachet out of packet and stand in boiling water for 10 minutes”. I did that and burnt my feet.

I also read in my Cooking Instruction Manual that to avoid tears whilst peeling and cutting onions you should do it under water. It works, but you have to come up for air every few seconds.

An elaborate meal is a bird within a bird within a bird. Basically you stuff and cook a small bird in a bigger one, say a baby partridge inside a chicken, and the chicken inside a large goose. Do not use a grouse for this because people with a grouse are not very cheerful.

To prepare a bird within a bird is very easy. Basically you have the chicken swallow the baby partridge and then the goose swallows the chicken. Whenever the goose opens its mouth the chicken’s head comes out and says “Cockledeedledoo !!!” and as it does so the partridge looks out of the chicken’s mouth and smiles. And swallows fly all over your kitchen.

Care for another glass of whisky?

22 comments:

  1. Such silliness! Ha! Ha! It would be funny to stuff a quail inside of a chicken I cook for my husband!

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    1. It isn't silly Monica. It's true I tell you.

      God bless.

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    2. Monica...Do you know what the Americans bragged about after a U.S. football game? A chicken in a duck in a huge turkey with all six legs jutting out-three on each side. Then the huge hulks called football players dove in eating caveman style.

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  2. Hic...say what? Free whiskey over here? I knew I came to the right place. Victor's Roadkill Cafe rocks!

    Good grief, Victor, even your chickens have accents over there in the UK. They say cockadoodledoo here in the US. Then again, with all those birds in your house maybe a few of them got into your whiskey...

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    1. Actually Mary, I'll open a Road Kill Restaurant called "From your Grill to Ours".
      People can scrape what's on their car grill and I'll cook it for them. Our chickens have English accents. That's why they say "Cockledeedledoo !!!". When they're hit by a car they say something else altogether.

      God bless.

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  3. Hee! Hee! That's disgusting!
    Can you put up a few of your recipes though? You know, just in case we have another apocalypse next year too? Lol.

    My daughter thought your bird within a bird idea was hilarious!

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  4. Mary, any roadkill would make a good meal. For example people could srape all the bugs and flies off their motor grill and windscreen and they'd make a lovely crunchy salad or just as delicious fried in butter.

    Here in the UK you often see squashed hedgehogs on the road. Tasty grilled and the spines off their back make lovely toothpicks to clean teeth afterwards.

    Try making your daughter a piece of lamb rolled into a piece of pork and rolled into beef and tied tightly with string (looks like beef Wellington). Baked in the oven with potatoes. Very tasty and very posh. The bird within a bird doed exist as a meal. You can buy it as a prepared rolled meat in some upper-class butchers here.

    God bless.

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  5. Don't scoff at road kill. I once ate a porcupine that was a fresh road kill. Stuffed and wrapped in bacon. Delicious. I had a friend over who likes to think of himself as a worldly, counter- culture type with his hats, beard, scarf and tweed jacket but he is really very square. I waited till he had eaten and raved about the meat.. then I told him. My husband and I roared with laughter at the look on his face. Mean? no way, simply pay back for all hi bragging

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  6. You're right Melanie. Nothing wrong with road kill. Pheasant ... rabbit ... deer (although the latter is difficult to get in/on the car).

    God bless.

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  7. I have a story about that very problem..funny but a bit gross (as the kids would say)

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  8. "For example people could scrape all the bugs and flies off their motor grill and windscreen and they'd make a lovely crunchy salad or just as delicious fried in butter."

    Great crouton recipe for salads, Victor. Especially for people on low carb diets...

    I'll hold off on the toothpicks for now though. That's one item that is still pretty cheap here. But thanks for the back-up plan!

    I want to hear Melanie's story (and I bet you do too :)

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  9. Mary.. I am putting off writing my next post.. so I will tell my story. Picture a plastic lined trunk (boot for Victor's sake) with a huge deer stuffed inside, ropes tying the hood down with the deer's head dangling at an odd angle outside, tongue out of it's mouth of course. A neighbouring farmer helped my husband lift the heavy carcass. This particular deer was not fresh so the hind quarters went to our dogs and the rest to our pigs. They gorged themselves, turning to my husband and grunting with joy and thanksgiving as the ate EVERYTHING.. and I mean absolutely everything. I will leave the rest to your nightmares

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    Replies
    1. Which one was it? Rudolph? Or one of the others?

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    2. Poor Dasher...he always did get the short end of the stick.

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  10. Thank you, Melanie...lol. I'm sure my nightmares will fill in the rest nicely :)

    I hate to say it, Victor, but...Melanie won this round.

    After all this, I guess I won't tell you that my dogs dig for "chocolate candy with sprinkles" in the kitty litter box...

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    1. Talking of cats reminds me ...

      When we had some snow our neighbour ran out of grit and sand to put on his drive way, so he put the grit you buy for the cat's litter box instead. My cat kindly obliged and left him little presents all over the drive way.

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    2. umm.... that is definitely worse

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    3. Cats are strange little creatures - mine guards her litter box against thieves...

      Victor, after reading about your cat over the years I'm inclined to believe he did it on purpose.

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    4. A cat's litter box is the best place to hide one's treasures. A thief would never look there.

      Before we go out, we normally throw all the contents of the drawers on the floor, we tip over all chairs and take off the pictures from the wall and put them on the floor. If we have a break-in the thief will think we've already been burgled and he'd leave us alone.

      By the way Mary, I should re-advertise my cat book "Feline Catastrophes".

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