If ... ... ...

If I could rid my life

Of trash that I have gathered

How light my footsteps would be

If I could clear my mind

Of dreams that have been shattered

How hopeful tomorrow would be

If I could just forgive

Past hurts that did not matter

Forgiven my sins would also be

If I could only count

The pains that I have scattered

Repentance would set me free

If my past could just let go

Of a present so torn and tattered

A joyful future for ever will be

If ... ... ...

If I could keep my head

When all around me 

Are losing theirs

And blaming it on me ... ... ...

I'd be the only one needing a haircut.

Merry Christmas

WISHING YOU ALL

A MERRY CHRISTMAS

AND MAY YOUR SOCKS

BE ALWAYS BRIGHT AND CLEAN

DANCE AND BE HAPPY

 

USE YOUR TEETH TO SMILE

 AND DON'T SIT ON THE FIRE

Saints' Legacies

A man wandering in the desert, dressed in clothes made of camel hair, and eating locusts and wild honey. (Mark 1:4-8).

Not exactly sartorial elegance. More of an eccentric if you ask me.

Yet this was a man with a mission.

His mission – to tell everyone about Jesus. To prepare them for His arrival.

His name – John, the Baptist. In case you confuse him with another John.

An outspoken man who feared no one in his quest to do what God had asked him. He even dared to criticize the king, and paid dearly with his life for doing so. (Mark 6:14-29).

His legacy to us?

Courage and Obedience.

Despite living in dangerous times, this man had courage to speak out and tell the world about Jesus; and dared tell the King that he was wrong.

How often are we presented with the opportunity to speak about God, about our religion and our Christianity. Do we shy away and miss a good opportunity to witness for our Lord? Or have we got a tiny fraction of John’s courage? And obedience?

When Mary was visited by the Angel Gabriel all those years ago, times were very different.

It would have been a great scandal for an unmarried woman to become pregnant. Her family would be shamed and she would most probably have been shunned by everyone. It was even more outrageous to claim that the baby is the Son of God. That would have been blasphemy surely!

Yet despite her fears of shame, rejection and ridicule, not to mention fear for her own safety, Mary trusted God and said "Yes".

She agreed to be the Mother of Jesus.

So, what is her legacy to us?

Obedience and trust.

Obedience and trust in God despite what must have been a very dangerous situation for her, and her family.

Are we that obedient and trusting when God speaks to us?

Joseph is not mentioned often in the Bible. We read about him before the birth of Jesus when the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and asked him to take Mary as his wife. (Matthew 1:18).

Imagine his dilemma. He was engaged to Mary when she found out she was due to have a baby by the Holy Spirit. At first he considered doing what many men with a pregnant girl friend whose baby is not theirs would have done - run a mile in the opposite direction.

Being an honourable man he decided to break the engagement privately so as not to disgrace her.

Then the angel appeared to him in a dream; and based on that dream alone he decided to marry Mary and raise her son as if He were his own.

He was there when Jesus was born in Bethlehem and we read about him when he took Jesus and Mary to Egypt to escape from Herod (Matthew 2:13) and then when they returned to Nazareth (Matthew 2:19).

He is also mentioned when the boy Jesus was twelve years old and found in the Temple in Jerusalem (Luke 2:41).

So as Jesus' foster father he was there during His early years protecting Him from Herod and providing a loving family for the Son of God.

What a wonderful man he must have been. Working quietly in the background, without much recognition, doing God's will in raising His Son on earth.

So, what is his legacy to us?

Obedience and trust.

Despite what his common sense told him to do, he did not walk away from Mary. He trusted God and decided to stay with Mary. He decided to provide for her and a child Who was not his. He taught the child carpentry and raised Him up as his own.

May his obedience and trust be an example to us all.

Agony Uncle Vic

Dear Agony Uncle,

This is the first time I write in to your Newspaper Column. I am a woman over 35 years old and, not to put too fine a point on it, I find that with age certain parts of one's body travel South. I fear I am not as attractive as I once was when I go on a date. Any advice?

Dear Anonymous First-time Writer,

Fear not. They say the sands of times in an hour glass go down not up. Whatever that means. Rest assured that your problem happens to most of us, men and women, and short of spending the rest of your life walking upside down on your hands there is nothing much you can do. Even that would be embarrassing when wearing a dress or a skirt. They also say that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, so dating someone short-sighted might help. They also say that beauty is skin deep. So you may want to try wearing many layers of clothing so your date will take longer looking at you.

Whatever you decide to do, do not go for the option my friend did. When he went on a strict diet to lose weight he ended up with a lot of loose skin hanging about his body in the chest and lower area. So he went for a new treatment where they "pull up" the loose skin up his body a bit at a time, and they stretch the skin upwards so much that any extra skin is then somehow tied up and hidden behind the back of his neck. It worked so well that now he looks twenty years younger. Unfortunately, his bellybutton (navel) is on his forehead. He also has a new unusual tie too.

Dear Uncle Vic,

As a newly married man, I get embarrassed when I go to the rest room and break wind noisily. My wife could hear me. What do you suggest I do?

Dear Thunderblast,

Such foods like beans, sprouts and cabbage, nice as they are, tend to create gaseous substances therein which need to come thereout, sometimes accompanied with heightened decibels. Short of avoiding such foods, I suggest you do like me and take a radio with you to the rest room and play it loudly to cover up other unwanted sounds. I suggest playing "Blowing in the wind" by Bob Dylan is very effective in this respect.

Dear Agony,

I have joined a new Dating Site on-line and gave them all my details. Unfortunately, instead of posting my picture I accidentally sent a photo of my dog instead. What do you suggest I do?

Dear dog lover,

Yours is a relatively minor problem easily solved by writing to the Dating Agency. I once sent in my real photo to such an agency and they returned it back with a note saying; "We're not that desperate!"

Dear Agony Vic,

I live in an apartment block and the walls here are too thin. To get straight to the point - I cannot sleep at night because I hear the young couple living next door making very personal noises from their bedroom. I have tried sleeping with my head under the pillow to no effect. What do you suggest?

Dear Sleepless Nights,

What you are doing is very dangerous. I knew a man who slept with his head under the pillow and the Tooth Fairy took out all his teeth.

Dear Agony Uncle,

I am writing to you from hospital. The instructions on the Quick Cook Rice packet said: "Take one sachet from the packet and stand in boiling water for 5 minutes." I did just that and burnt my feet.

Dear Master Cook,

I sympathise with you. I think instructions on food packets should be clear for any idiot to understand.

Dear Uncle Vic,

Our dog keeps biting the postman.  He also chewed the postman's hat. What shall I do?

Dear Careless Dog Owner,

First of all you should keep your dog under control and take responsibility for your dog's and your actions - or inactions. Secondly, buy him Woof Woof Dog Food. It is the only dog food that tastes of a postman's leg. That should deter him from doing it again.

Dear Know-it-all Agony Column Idiot,

I did not like the way you responded to my last letter about my dog's behaviour. In fact I do not like your attitude!

Dear Dog Owner,

It is not my 'at he chewed; it's the postman's at he chewed!

Dear Agony Uncle,

I am caught in a heart-breaking situation. Do you remember the song "Torn between two lovers" by Mary MacGregor in 1976? Well, I am in this very situation. I have fallen in love with two men. One of them is young, my age really, he is a multi-millionaire, drives a Lamborghini, lives in a palace and adores me very much. The other one is a little older, he is not that wealthy, poor even, he is an archaeologist, and says he loves me very much. I love them both, but do not know who I should marry. What do you think?

Dear Lover,

I think you should marry the archaeologist because the older you get the more interested he will be in you.

Dear Vic,

We have ants in our house and cannot get rid of them. We have tried everything. Can you help?

Dear Ant Invasion,

Indeed I can help. Get a flat stone. Place on it a mixture of sugar and pepper. The ants will be attracted by the sugar, breathe in the pepper, sneeze, and knock themselves dead against the stone. Simples!!!

www.holyvisions.co.uk

Meditation

AS I QUOTE MYSELF

... ... after the evening meal, my boss, a woman in her early thirties, went up to her room. Before she left the table she asked me discretely to follow her a few minutes later. She gave me a duplicate plastic card to use in that contraption which opens the hotel room door. She said she wanted to discuss my annual appraisal report.

I was hesitant at first. I sipped my coffee slowly to waste time and to gather enough courage to decide what to do. My boss was not one to argue with. When she said, “Jump” we replied, “How high”, rather than question her request – or should I say her command.

A few minutes later I entered her room and it was empty. I said loudly, "Hello ... anyone here?"

Her voice replied from the bathroom, "I'm in the shower. Come in!"

I was astounded and frightened at this request which, as I said earlier, sounded more like a command.

My boss had a certain reputation amongst the office gossip grapevine but I never quite believed it. It seemed that now was the time for me to sample such a reputation.

I did not know what to do, especially since my future career at this firm depended so much on her and her appraisal of me. I hesitated for a while.

"Get a move on," she cried impatiently from the bathroom, "I'm not going to wait all night!"

Those were her exact words; I still remember them clearly. She obviously meant business and my future life flashed in front of my eyes.

I was totally confused. I sought guidance from my abbreviated Catechism which I carried in my pocket but I could not find an answer in a hurry. They really should have a better index in those books.

I took off my jacket and put it on the back of the chair. Then I took off my shoes. I had a big hole in one of my socks!

Before I could go on any further she came out of the bathroom fully clothed and speaking on her cell-phone. Apparently you get a better reception in the shower than anywhere else in her hotel room.

"Why have you taken your shoes off?" she asked.

"I did not want to dirty the carpet!" I replied unconvincingly.

I wonder if she believed me. Fortunately I got a good annual appraisal although she did say I often get the wrong end of the stick.

 *******

AS I QUOTE MYSELF is not a biography of a famous celebrity, or other well known personality telling you how they made it good from extreme poverty to being as successful as they are today. Instead, these are the memoirs of someone you’ve probably never heard of, (unless you’re related to him), but yet with a story to tell.

A series of calamities and misfortunes with humourous outcomes which are sure to make you smile, if not laugh out loud. At least that’s what he hopes! AS I QUOTE MYSELF are the memoirs of no one in particular except the one from whose memories they originate.

*******

FOR MORE HUMOUROUS MISS-ADVENTURES 

BUY THE BOOK

AS I QUOTE MYSELF

HERE

Would you play poker with the devil?

Would you play poker with the devil?

The question is somewhat academic since the devil would not engage in such a discussion or game-play with you. And in any case, in this day an age not many people believe in him anyway; (to his undoubted delight). They see him as a euphemism for evil rather than an actual living being, albeit in a spiritual sense.

The devil exists all right. We cannot possibly believe in God and not believe in the devil. But he is cunning in camouflaging his existence from a sophisticated modern world which does not know what to believe any more.

The devil will use your past and your future to ruin your present.

He will take an instance or an event from the past and let it prey within your mind weighing down your progress and enjoyment of life today. Say for example you have had a disagreement with someone in the past. Something serious that has hurt you badly and has been left unresolved. The devil will use such hurt to make you resent what has happened and perhaps withdraw any forgiveness you might have given. Or, if you have indeed forgiven, he will use such hurt to remind you that the other person has never sought, nor cared for, your forgiveness. This is particularly poignant if such a person has passed away and therefore there is no opportunity for reconciliation.

But you must remember this, such a person is now in another spiritual world and has seen the instance of disagreement in all its clarity. If indeed he has been in anyway remiss, this is now a matter between him and God; and has nothing to do with you. There is no profit in allowing the devil to torment you further. If, on the other hand, some blame is attributable to you, then admit it and seek forgiveness from God; and accept such forgiveness lovingly given. To do otherwise would allow the devil an opportunity to overcome you; for our regrets of the past are the toys he uses to suppress us.

As for the future, we all have our doubts, fears or concerns as to what will happen then. Be they worries about old age, sickness, or our fears for the safety or well-being of our loved ones. This too is fertile ground for the devil to manipulate and lead us astray from God our Creator; and to spoil our enjoyment of the present. Giving way to such fears is both playing poker with the devil and a great disservice to God Himself, since it betrays a lack of trust and faith in Him on our part.

Christ too was tempted and tormented by the devil many times. He overcame such attacks through prayer and strengthened faith in God His Father. Let that in itself be an example for us.

The devil will never show his poker hand, but rest assured he is holding at least five aces!

Advice on a First Date

A young friend of mine surprised me the other day by asking me for advice on a first date. Why he chose me for advice I do not know. He is in his early twenties and I would have thought it more appropriate to ask someone his own age; but there you are. For some reason he asked me. Maybe he was testing me to see whether I was modern and sophisticated, as one should be in this day and age; or perhaps he was genuinely seeking help and advice on matters of the heart.

Anyway, his reasons aside, I decided to take his request seriously and give him the benefit of my experience. We went out to a quiet pub where we will not be disturbed and told him all I know. In case any of you readers may benefit from what I had to say, I record my thoughts here:

First of all you must remember that you only get one chance to make a first impression. The way you appear when another person first sees you is what will stick in their mind as a first impression. Any subsequent meetings will be a second, third or more impressions. That is if you are fortunate enough to go on another date with that person.

So bearing this in mind, make sure that the first impression is what the other person will remember. A flamboyant tie, a handkerchief in the top pocket of your jacket, or a cravat round your neck are all examples of a first impression. Personally, I have found that wearing underpants on my head really hit the mark when I used to date.

Making conversation is also important to get to know the person you are dating. Ask the lady you are with questions and show interest in her answers. Women generally like to talk about themselves. No woman has ever said, "What a bad date that was. All I did is talk about myself!"

Ask deep meaningful questions, this will make you know your date better and, should you be fortunate enough to have another date you can use that information to good effect.

Questions which in the past I have found effective are:

What is your favourite colour?

Do you like ants?

What is your opinion about investing in the automotive industry as opposed to banking or insurance?

If the person you are with happens to be Catholic; ask her what she thinks of Vatican II. Otherwise, ask her if she believes there are animals in Heaven; and if so, what would she say when she came face to face with the Sunday roast admonishing her for having eaten it.

I once asked a lady whether she liked ants, and used that information when we subsequently went on a picnic in the park by taking with me a can of ant spray. Unfortunately some spray went in her face and I had to rush her to hospital. I never saw her again after that.

Another lady told me her favourite colour was red. On a later date I met her wearing a red nose like a clown. This is because our local gas station shop did not have any red roses; so I thought a red nose would do. I never saw this lady either after that.

Always be careful about what you order during the meal. Some foods are a real no no on a first date. Spaghetti is a good example because as you slurp the long snake like pasta you risk showering her with splatters of tomato sauce. Also, be careful not to order a whole poussin (small chicken), or half a chicken. They are notoriously difficult to cut, especially if you have a blunt knife, and they are likely to slide all over the plate or even fly off the table. This happened to me once when the chicken flew right onto the floor and a passing waiter got his foot caught in the large aperture at the bottom of the bird. He walked away with my meal in his foot, and the lady I was with thought I had already eaten the whole bird bones and all.

Also, be very careful not to order foods that have a special connotation in peoples' mind. Venison for instance reminds people of Bambi; or at Christmas of Rudolph and his companions. Rabbit remind them of a pet rabbit they may have had as a child, or some cartoon character or other like Bugs Bunny; or in the case of duck, of Daffy Duck or Donald Duck.

Ordering of food is such a delicate subject full of elephant traps and you can so easily get it wrong and upset the young lady you are dating. That is why I always take my dates to a fast food outlet where they can have a hamburger and French fries, or if she is a vegetarian she can have a fish cake in a bun or a salad sandwich. It is cheaper too than a proper restaurant and you can flamboyantly pick up the whole cost of the meal.

Ordering drinks on a first date can also be tricky. These days there are so many different cocktails with confusing names that you can easily order the wrong thing without meaning to. And then there's the wine list with just as confusing names like Chateau Expensive or Chateau Exorbitant; which to be honest all taste exactly the same and the only difference is the label on the bottle and the price thereof. That's why I always go to a fast food outlet where the milk shake, or the fizzy drinks prices are reasonable. Be careful, however, not to drink too many fizzy drinks as you'll need to go to the bathroom during the meal  giving your date an opportunity to escape.

Finally, be a gentleman and after the date never let the young lady go home alone. That's why I always go on first dates with a bicycle meant for two.

Hence the song:

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do
I’m half crazy over the love of you
It won’t be a stylish marriage
I can’t afford a carriage
But you’ll look sweet
Upon the seat
Of a bicycle built for two.

Great Expectations

Life isn't always as it seems. We might be going on with life as normal, or so we think, and then suddenly something unexpected happens.

Like for instance that day I went upstairs to visit the bathroom only to find out I live in a bungalow.

That really threw me that did. And then there's the time when my neighbour and I went to an antique auction. Let me explain. We have this program on TV over here where they invite you to go somewhere locally, like a stately home, museum, or such like with your old possessions and they value them for you by experts and then, if you agree, they auction them for you.

We had one of those events locally and my neighbour, who is 85 years old, wanted to go and show them a collection of old dentures which had been bequeathed to him by his grand-father who used to be a dentist. As my neighbour could not drive, I took him to the stately home and subsequent auction. What I did not expect is that the dentures did not sell; but they sold my neighbour for £10.

And that's what I mean by a totally unexpected turn of events.

Like the time I bet on a horse that did not even exist. Let me tell you straight-away that I do not bet. Never have, except this once. A friend of mine took me to the races and suggested I put a small bet on a horse just for fun. I did not know how to do it. He said, "Just go to the betting window over there. Tell the man what horse you think will win, and give him a £1. A small bet just for fun."

I went to the window and the man there told me my horse does not exist. To be fair, he asked, "Name?" I told him, "Vic Moubarak." He replied, "There is no such horse racing here today!"

I looked at him in a dumbfounded way and asked, "Why would anyone name a horse after me?"

He said, "Who?"

I replied, "The people who own, or race the horse!"

He searched through his booking papers and said, "I have looked everywhere. There definitely is not a horse called Vic Moubarak."

I said, "I didn't expect there to be. This is my name."

He told me to step away from the window or else he will call security. And that was an unexpected turn of events. What are the chances do you think that there is no racing horse bearing my name, yet that betting man thought there was, because he searched for it in his books. I can't understand why he thought someone would name a horse after me. It's not as if I am famous or anything like that.

I also remember another unexpected thing that happened to me some years ago. We were on holiday at a sea side resort and we went out on a tourist boat out to sea to swim with dolphins. As soon as I got into the water all the dolphins swam away. They said, "We don't want to swim with him!" and left. Now you wouldn't expect that in a "swim with dolphins" tour, would you? I should have taken the cheaper tour and swam with sardines instead.

But I tell you folks, the most unexpected thing that ever happened to me. And only recently too. It is fashionable these days that instead of moving home to a new larger house, people tend to expand or extend their present homes instead. It is cheaper building an extension than having to move to a bigger house, pay removal expenses, lawyers' fees and government taxes, estate agents costs and so on. And even in the new house, there will always be things you need to do, like decorations, new carpets and so on which will cost money. Better to extend the house you live in.

So I called an architect and explained that we needed some extra room and asked him to design something that will look nice, modern and fit with the local environment.

He suggested we put a couple of motor homes on top of the roof. We took off the wheels, welded the vehicles back to back to make one open space, and with a big crane we fixed them on top of the house, and hung a rope ladder at the back of the house so we could climb up there when we want to.

That architect explained that as an optional extra, for £53, we could have a helicopter landing pad on top of the motor homes. We did not go ahead with this because we thought it would be too ostentatious, and anyway, we do not have a helicopter.

So we got an instant expansion of our present house with two motor homes on the roof.  An unexpected outcome and a tourist attraction also, I gather!!!

Have you had anything unexpected in your life?

How about clicking HERE for some.

The Ancient Romans

THE ANCIENT ROMANS 

History can be a dull subject to learn and teach depending of course on who’s doing the learning and the teaching.

As a child I once talked in class and the teacher threw a piece of chalk at me. He then said: That’ll teach you to talk in class!

And as it happened a long time ago it is history; so I learnt then a history lesson which I remembered to this day.

If you pay attention; you’ll learn a bit more history in the next few minutes or so.

Let’s go back to Roman times. When men were tough and strong and women told them what to do. Women always had the ability to make men obey their wishes by hiding the remote control even then. But I digress.

In ancient Roman times there were a lot of sculptures of Roman emperors and famous people; these were usually sculptures of their heads and busts and faces, although you could also get sculptures of the whole person if you were rich enough to have one done.

The history behind all these sculptures is quite fascinating I must say.

You see, in Roman times there were a number of check-points by the Roman guards along the Appian Way. That’s the strategic main road connecting Rome to Brindisi and Apulia. The road was named after the Roman censor Appius Claudius Caecus.

He it was who held a census in the year something or other AD, and having discovered that most Romans did not like broccoli was frightened out of his census.

Anyway, the Roman Centurion guards along the Appian Way always stopped all chariots and checked that the drivers had a driving license.

Unfortunately, as cameras had not been invented at the time, all owners of chariots, such as emperors, senators and the like, carried a sculpture of their heads or faces with them as a form of Roman Identity Card.

That’s why there are only Roman sculptures of famous people and not the peasants and plebs.

As I said, some Romans were rich enough to carry a sculpture of their whole body with them in their chariots rather than just the head or face. Unfortunately the statues were so heavy that they often broke the chariots and fell to the ground.

This happened to a Roman lady called Venus whose statue fell off the chariot and the arms got broken. Historians have still to work out why she was not wearing any clothes when her sculpture was made; and exactly where her arms were when she posed for the stonemason.

When asked by Venus’ angry husband whether she had posed in the nude for him, the stonemason tried to deny it and said that he did the statue from memory. This didn't help his case and the husband punched him on the nose.

History also teaches us that ancient Romans collected urine. By that I don’t mean that they resisted going to the toilet and walked around cross-legged. I also don’t mean that they collected it like you or I would collect stamps, or books or whatever else people collect as a hobby.

No … they collected urine in large tubs left around in the street. People would walk by and when nature called they deposited their half-pint in the tub – there in public!!!

The collected deposits were then used in washing all those white togas. Apparently the ammonia in the urine acted like a bleaching agent and turned the togas extra clean and white.

And when all the senators met and debated in the senate and some jeered at one of them making a controversial speech by shouting “You stink!” – they meant it quite literally as well as referring to his speech.

And whilst we're on this subject ... what subject? 

Keep quiet and pay attention!

I want to mention another person born in Italy who was a famous Greek mathematician, physicist, engineer, inventor, astronomer and all round big head know-it-all.

His name was Archimedes and although he was a Greek he was born in Syracuse in Southern Italy. No doubt his mother was on vacation there at the time; but the least said about it the better!

Anyway, one day this Archimedes fellow was asked by King Hiero II to find out whether a crown he had made was pure gold or whether it contained silver; which is cheaper.

Archimedes thought hard about this problem, especially since he was not allowed to break or damage the crown in any way. 

One night as he got home tired he decided to have a bath. Now in those days they didn't have baths like we do today with running water and drainage. All they had was a metal tub which they placed in the middle of the living room and sat in it washing themselves and watching TV.

As TV had not yet been invented they normally put a statue in the corner of the room and watched that instead. 

Anyway, as Archimedes entered his house pondering about the crown dilemma he discovered the tub there in the living room with water already in it. He was so tired that he gladly took off his clothes and jumped in the water thus displacing some of the volume therein.

Unbeknown to Archimedes, his wife had filled the tub with sea water and put a few crabs there to keep them fresh until lunch.

Archimedes jumped out of the tub and ran in the street naked shouting "Eureka" which in Greek means "I've found it". However, he also added a few other choice words in his native language which loosely translated mean "Who is the **** who put crabs in my bath? My manhood will never be the same again!"

Later on, as he calmed down a little and nearly got arrested for indecent exposure, he realised that as a body, (his and the crabs), is placed in a tub of water it/they displace an equal amount of water as the volume of said bodies. That didn't mean much to him; so he Googled his crown problem and solved the mystery of how to ascertain whether it was pure gold or not. He could of course have checked for any Hallmarks as we do now and save himself all the trouble of an encounter with a dozen crabs.

This concludes our history lesson for now. I hope you’ll remember what you’ve learnt here today. 

More funny stories HERE

Earthly Science - Facts you should know.

Today's lesson is about the most important planet in the universe - the earth.

Just think about it. Why is the earth the most important planet in the universe? Simple. If there were no earth we would all be flying through space and bumping into each other. This would make dating very difficult, as well as meeting a partner in life, and having children. All you would have is a lot of people floating through space and no sooner you meet someone you might like that person would have flown away bumping their head into someone else.

With the existence of the earth we can all have our feet firmly planted on terra firma, (or is it terra cotta?) and feel safe once more. The presence of the earth is like having a tree in your garden. It is comforting. Imagine placing a ladder against a tree and climbing to the top. If the tree was not there then you would be climbing up the ladder and finding nothing.

Years ago, people wondered how big the earth really is. They saw the moon at night and deduced that it was smaller than the earth. They believed that the moon was no larger than a few feet in diameter and had completely not taken into account that distance made it look small. On the same principle they believed that the stars were no bigger than a couple of millimetres in diameter.

So these ancient people decided to measure the earth. They quite rightly deduced that the largest part of the earth would be in the equator; because they had noticed that as some people get a little (or much) overweight, usually the area that is the largest is around the middle - near the belly button. So they bought a very long measuring tape and started measuring the earth, at the equator, six metres at a time. This task took too long, putting the tape on the ground, measuring its length, marking the spot, moving the tape over and measuring once again, and adding it all up. Unfortunately, this task was never completed because they reached the sea and many of the people measuring the earth drowned in the process.

It wasn't until many years later, at the time of Galileo in Italy, that a pizza salesman discovered that the earth's circumference, at its largest point around the equator, is just under 25,000 miles. Apparently he had read it in a book somewhere.

Now that fact is important - remember it. Around the equator, the earth's circumference is just under 25,000 miles - let's call it 24,000 miles.

Since we know that the earth goes round a whole revolution, from left to right, in one day, then it is right to assume that if I stood at the equator facing East, I would be travelling at 1000 miles and hour: 24,000 miles divided by 24 hours = 1,000 miles an hour. In fact, it is faster than that because as we said earlier, the circumference is just under 25,000 miles.

At that speed my wig would fly off. As I do not wear a wig, then my hat would fly off. And any lady standing there wearing a dress or skirt would have her own Marilyn Monroe moment.

And if I stood at the North pole, right at the top of the world, I would spin round ever so slowly and get back to the original point where I started in 24 hours - and I'd be very tired standing all this time without a toilet break.

However, if I stood at the South pole, right at the bottom of the world, all the blood would rush to my head because I would be upside down.

And if I were in Australia I would always celebrate the New Year first and all the fireworks seen on TV would show that country before all others.

Hence the saying: Do not worry about tomorrow. Because tomorrow has already happened in Australia.

And the saying: An apple a day keeps the doctor away. And if you want to keep everyone away try garlic.

More lessons for your education and edification and without obfuscation here soon.

 

Make sure you return otherwise we will start without you.

Let's talk sense

In Catholic churches we have incense burning at certain Masses - e.g. Christmas, Easter and special occasions. It's nice I suppose and reminds me of ancient traditions when people burnt incense in churches and homes. The wise men, as we know, brought incense to baby Jesus as a gift. Burning incense traditionally was part of worship. The smoke going up to Heaven no doubt took up our prayers with them.

Does your church burn incense during services?

Do you burn incense at home?

Mis-Quote

Don't we often mis-quote

His Words

to suit our own needs?

Blessed Are The Cheesemakers

Matthew 5:1-12

When Jesus saw the crowds, He went up the mountain; and after He sat down, His disciples came to Him.

Then He began to speak, and taught them, saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Are You Happy?

Are you happy? On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being mildly happy and 10 being ecstatic with excitement and joy; where are you right now?

Humour me and just right down a number on a piece of paper.

You see, happiness is not a binary YES/NO switch whereby we are happy or not. It is relative to a point in time, and a situation in time.

We may be young and healthy, or middle-aged, or getting old and suffering the ailments brought on by age. We may be fit in mind and body, or we may be ill with many pains and forebodings. We may be in a good well-paid job, or just about managing, or unemployed.

There are many aspects that affect our scale of happiness at any given point in time in our lives. And indeed the scale is not just 1 to 10 but it could be at 0 or indeed a minus number up to -10 when we are downright miserable and in despair.

An elderly man I know, suffering from many ailments in life, whenever I contact him to check on his health he says: "there are many people worse off than me!" This is a laudable and generous attitude to have but it would not help a sick person if you told them there are others worse off than them.

When we are ill, or suffer other difficulty like unemployment or bankruptcy or marriage breakdown, our main focus in life is on ourselves. Quite naturally. The fact that there is someone else somewhere in the universe worse off does not lessen one's pain; and the fact that we are all in the same boat does not bring much consolation. Misery does not like company, I find.

So when we are in a bad place in life, and our happiness scale is sliding down perhaps into the minus figures, what do we do then? Where is our God on Whom we profess we rely?

Personally, I believe He is still there, caring and loving us as He has ever done. The fact that we are in negative figures perhaps, does not mean that He has turned away or is busy with someone else's problems. As best we can, through gritted teeth even, we should turn to Him in prayer and ask for His help; and being patient in awaiting His response. The fact that we are still praying, despite perhaps our diminishing faith, proves that we believe that there is Someone out there somewhere listening to us. Our faith is strengthened in such situations rather than diminished.

A few years back, whilst sitting on a bus, two ladies sitting behind me were chatting loudly. I was miserable about something or other. One woman behind me said to the other, "We should count our blessings, shouldn't we?"

Prompted by the conversation behind me, I started to count my blessings, and pretty soon ran out of fingers and toes on which to count.

So, let me ask you again. On a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you right now? Is the figure different from the one you wrote earlier? Why?

No Dentures

In a poor and desolate town where Father Ignatius was stationed it was evident that he would meet a lot of hardship amongst his parishioners, especially in difficult economic conditions where jobs were scarce and business closures rife.

One day a young man came to him complaining that he couldn’t get a good job and he felt a bit down because of lack of prospects at the factory where he did menial tasks.

Of course, the priest sympathized with him. It is good to see someone with ambitions wishing to better himself and get on in life. Yet, put in its true perspective, there were many others with no jobs at all and living literally in poverty.

Father Ignatius wished to convey this message to the young man, but he had to do it gently and without being critical of someone hoping to improve a bad circumstance.

He sat down on his chair behind his desk and looked at the young man in the face for a second or two and then asked:

“Have you got all your own teeth?”

The young man was taken aback at this unexpected and somewhat irrelevant question.

“Ehm … yes …” he mumbled.

“All your teeth hein?” repeated the priest, “no false teeth or dentures?”

“Yes …” said the man.

“That’s good … Just like me” said Father Ignatius pensively, “I have all my own teeth. No false ones. I’ve been lucky that way!”

After a few moments of silence the young man asked, “What has that to do with what we were talking about Father?”

“Oh … I was just thinking …” remarked Father Ignatius, “there’s plenty of talk about grinding and gnashing of teeth in the Bible.

“I wondered what would happen to those people with no teeth. Would they get given dentures do you think?”

The young man was now more puzzled than ever and thought the priest was perhaps getting a little senile.

Father Ignatius smiled and asked “Are you in good health?”

“Yes I am …” said the man emphatically.

“In good health … and doing a menial job at the factory! It’s good to want to improve yourself. You live in a rented apartment do you not?”

“Yes I do … not far from the church!” said the man.

“Oh yes … I forgot,” said the priest, “and you go regularly to church too. That’s good. And you help with the Youth Club we run here. That’s very commendable you know.”

The young man smiled.

“Let’s try to recap,” said Father Ignatius gently, “you’re young, fit and healthy too, you live in an apartment nearby, work at the factory on the East side of town, doing menial jobs as you say … You go to church … A good Catholic lad I suppose … I also know you have a red bicycle. I’ve seen you cycle to church. And you help with our youth work … And to top it all you have all your own teeth … mustn’t forget the teeth!”

The young man smiled again as he understood what the priest was saying.

“You see …” continued Father Ignatius, “life is very hard for many people these days. And I don’t decry your wish to do better for yourself. That’s very laudable.

“But when we pray to God, let us thank Him for what we have rather than bemoan what we haven’t!

“He knows our situation and He’ll certainly take care of us.”

The young man went away much wiser than he came and very grateful for his lot.

MORE FATHER IGNATIUS STORIES HERE

The Owl

There once was a wise old owl

Who just refused to fly

Claiming flying hazards

Made it unsafe so he could die.

He thought that wind turbines

Going round and round and round

Upset his delicate hearing

With their unheard kind of sound.

The bright lights in the city

The towns and the countryside

Shone brightly both day and night

Upsetting his big bright eyes.

The smoke from every chimney

And the fumes from every car

Polluting his every senses

As he flew both near and far.

So this learned wise old owl

Walked on foot just everywhere

Avoiding all flying hazards 

And got run over by a bus.

A question of faith of fear

Is faith the result of fear of the consequences if we do not have faith? Or is it somehow a self-generated product of our determination to believe without any tangible proof or evidence?

If faith is a gift or grace bestowed upon us by God; then are those with little or no faith to blame for their situation? Who takes the first step in faith? The individual or God by giving them faith to start with?

If faith could be measured … … … Jesus said if we had faith as much as a mustard seed we could perform miracles … … … if faith could be measured, and since none of us can perform miracles like those recorded in the Bible, does it imply perhaps that we do not have faith, or not enough?

Why is it that some people have faith so weak that they stumble again and again when things get rough, (and I admire their persistence in this rather than giving up), whilst others have a faith so strong that it withstands, and indeed increases, with every calamity in their lives? Is this of their own doing or are they given Divine help to maintain and increase their faith?

But let’s go back to the original question. If someone has a smidgen of faith, and closes his eyes tightly and wills himself to believe even though he does not understand fully; he just does it because of fear of “going to hell”; is his faith somehow deficient and tainted because of its motivation? Or is it just as welcome by God?

Peter had faith when he attempted to walk on water. But when his faith was soon deflected he began to sink. He had faith and courage when he withdrew his sword and hit one of those who came to arrest Jesus. But that faith soon evaporated when he denied knowing Christ a few moments later. Thomas had faith when he followed Christ for years and, like the other disciples, witnessed His many miracles. Yet he too put aside all his faith and let doubts cloud his judgement and beliefs. No doubt other disciples and followers of Jesus started with a modicum of faith which soon deserted them when the going got rough. Like those people who could not understand Jesus when He said that unless they eat His flesh and drink His blood they will not have eternal life. They soon got up and stopped following Christ.

Of course, no one has questioned the disciples original motivation when their faith led them to leave their previous life and follow Jesus just because He asked them too. Was it curiosity that led them to do so? Was it a deep rooted personal belief as they saw Him preach and perform miracles? Or was it because they feared the consequences had they decided not to follow Jesus and His teachings?

And that, I suppose is the nub of the question. One’s motivation to have faith.

If a person meets St Peter face to face at the Pearly Gates, and the records show on the Saint’s computer that this individual had faith all his life because he feared going to hell. Would the Saint let him in all the same; or send him down without a parachute?