Christmas Presents

Hello everyone. It will soon be Christmas. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas with your family and enjoy every minute of it. Christmas is such a wonderful time, isn't it? And it has so many treasured memories which we can draw on in years to come when we feel a little run down, or if we've sat on a hedgehog by mistake.

I felt a bit run down lately. The police said they'll soon catch the driver who did it. 

I think the best thing about Christmas is receiving presents. It's always the same each year. We all agree beforehand not to give each other presents, and every year, we all break the pact and give each other presents anyway.

Last year, whilst making the usual pact with family members, I told them that, if they have to break the pact, at least get me edible presents. My motto in life is: If it is not edible it is not worth having.

So in response someone got me three potatoes, and someone else got me some broccoli. Funny thing the broccoli. Is it a small tree or is it a cauliflower without the leaves all around it?

I have never understood why God created broccoli. That, and wasps. Why did He create broccoli and wasps? And sneezing? Broccoli, wasps and sneezing. Why did God create them?

Do you know? If God instead of telling Adam and Eve not to eat the forbidden fruit, He had told them not to eat broccoli; they would not have been tempted and there would have been no sin at all.

Can you imagine the snake telling them to eat broccoli? They would probably respond with something rude I dare not repeat here.

And that's another thing. The story about the snake. What is that all about?

If I was naked in Paradise and suddenly met a snake I would immediately cover my tender parts in case he had a bite. And if the snake spoke to me I would most probably poop in my non-existing pants, rather than engage in conversation with him.

And one more thing. How did Adam and Eve know which bits to cover after they had sinned? Why did they not cover their elbows? Or feet or their heads?

Can you imagine if they had covered their nose, today we would all be going around naked with our underpants on our nose. Ha ... what a sight that would have been!

And another thought ... Adam and Eve are often depicted with fig leaves attached to their appropriate places. How did they attach the leaves I wonder? Elastic bands? Double-sided sticky tape? Velcro?

I wonder ... what present did Adam and Eve give each other on their Christmas? Wait a minute ... they did not have Christmas then did they? It came much later. They did not have Easter or Thanksgiving either, did they? Or birthdays ... did they know when they were born? Did God tell them the date of their birthdays? With no celebrations whatsoever they must have been a miserable lot. No wonder they sinned.

One day Eve felt a little miserable and asked Adam, "Do you love me?"

He replied, "Is there anyone else to love?" And that started another row between them. 

Another thing Adam and Eve did not have was navels. Yes ... no belly buttons for either of them. I wonder where they kept their belly button lint!

Wait a minute ... if they were naked they would have no accumulation of lint would they?

Let's get back to Christmas presents ... Last year, for some unknown reason, someone gave me this book as a present:

 A book on how to keep silverfish as pets. Why did he gift me this book I shall never know.

Did you know that silverfish eat sugar and starch? Do you think I can feed them potatoes? I got some for Christmas you know.

Also, did you know that silverfish can be taught to walk in a single file if you play military music to them?

They live for two to eight years unless you hit them hard with a book you've received for Christmas.

Before silverfish reproduce, they carry out a complicated ritual which may last over half an hour without the need of a relaxing drink beforehand or soft music and lights in the background. First the male and female stand face to face, then repeatedly back off and return to this position.

In the second phase, the male runs away and the female chases him. Well that makes a change, I suppose.

In the third phase, the silverfish have some privacy together searching for navel lint.

It's all true, I tell you. I have it all in triplicate in the books I received as Christmas presents. They are also heavy enough to drop on a silverfish from a height!

So there you have it. My Christmas gifts from my so called friends and family.

Tell us ... what Christmas presents did you get last year? Or what do you wish for this year?