Accused ...

 

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Cheer up you lot ... I can't bare it

 

My friend talked me into lending her money for plastic surgery. I’ve been trying to get it back for months. Unfortunately, I have no idea what she looks like these days.

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When in London some nice tourist couple gave me a very good, expensive camera just outside London bridge.  I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.

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Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
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Police officer: “Sir, I don’t understand. You lost the credit card a year ago, why are you reporting it now?” 

 

Guy: “The thief wasn’t spending nearly as much as my wife used to…” 

 

Police officer: “But why report it now?” 

 

Guy: “I think the thief’s wife got hold of it now.”

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A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”   

The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”
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Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years. One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.” 

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a holiday trip abroad. Poof – she’s holding two tickets and a five-star hotel voucher for two. - 

The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”  

“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.  

“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation. 

Poof once more – and he’s 90.

Don't mess with fairies - they are all women!
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A woman has a date she’s very much looking forward to. She put on her best dress, spent an hour on make-up and chose the least comfortable but fanciest shoes she possesses. And of course, spent ages getting herself all waxed and toned and scrubbed. She’s all ready – but her date is nowhere to be seen, although its already time.

She waits and waits – nothing. After about an hour she’s had enough. She takes it all off, wraps herself up in her fluffiest pyjamas and bathrobe, makes a mug of cocoa, takes a pot of ice cream and sits grumpily in front of some comfort TV.

 One hour later, the doorbell goes off – and there’s her date! He looks at her quickly and says, “My God, Andrea, seriously? I’m 2 hours late and you’re still not ready?!”

Old Henry's Sin

As Father Ignatius arrived at Old Henry’s cottage he recognized the doctor’s car pulling away, so he parked in the vacant space and rang the doorbell.

The elderly man opened the door ashen faced and not having shaved for a few days.

As the priest went into the house he asked tentatively, “That was the doctor leaving … have you not been well Henry?”

The old man sat down and said: “I’ve been in terrible pains since Friday night. Shivering and feeling cold yet sweating and with a temperature. I felt tired and light-headed and thought my time had come!”

“Since Friday night?” asked the priest, “did you call the doctor then?”

“Yes I did. There was no one there. And they don’t work during the weekend either. The doctor finally came on Monday … and he came again today. You just saw him leaving!

“He gave me a variety of pills … all different pretty colours like sweets, and said if I don’t improve he’ll take me to hospital.

“Fat chance! I can’t go to hospital and leave the dog at home alone.”

“But … if this started on Friday night, why did you not call me Henry? I would have come straightaway!” said Father Ignatius.

“Oh … I thought you’d be too busy Father” Henry replied, “I bet you had the church full of sinners at every Mass this weekend. Am I right?” he asked with a glint in his eye.

The priest smiled.

“The thing is …” continued Henry, “at my age I don’t have much opportunity to sin. I don’t think I’ve broken any of the Commandments. I haven’t killed anyone nor stolen anything … and I doubt I have the energy to covet anything my neighbour might have … either his wife, who is ugly and as large as a gorilla, or his donkey … because he hasn’t got one!!!” He chuckled to himself.

“But I’ll tell you something Father …” he continued, “I did despair with God over the last few days … Now that’s a sin I’m sure!

“I was in terrible pain and although I prayed He didn’t listen. Too busy with someone else I suppose … I begged Him many times to take the pain away, but it got worse. At times I did pass out and slept for hours then the pain would wake me again.

“I thought God had abandoned me.

“I still believed in Him you know. I believed in His power to heal and His love for us. I knew He could heal me … but I felt He did not want to.

“Now why would He do that?

“He can heal, yet He withholds His healing power for some … including me. I suppose I lost my Faith in Him.”

“That is not so,” said Father Ignatius gently, “when we are in difficulty, or as in your case, in great pain, we doubt and we question, but we do not lose our Faith.

“Our human nature can’t understand what is happening to us. But deep inside we still believe. The very fact that we pray when in pain, or in despair, shows that we believe there is Someone there listening to our prayers. Such moments of great difficulties strengthen our Faith, not weaken it.

“You said yourself that you still believed in God. So your Faith remained intact.

“But your pain and your fears said otherwise. The trauma of it all overwhelmed you.

“It’s human nature. God knows that.

“When Jesus was on the Cross, His human nature thought He’d been abandoned. But His Godly nature, as part of The Holy Trinity, knew otherwise.

“So have no fears Henry! God loves you and He has already forgiven you.”

The old man smiled feebly.

“Now tell me,” continued the priest, “did the doctor say what you can eat?”

“He said toast and butter would be OK, and tea with lemon, not milk.”

“I can do that … how about a hot meal?”

“He said chicken soup with bread … something light!”

“Mrs Davenport, our housekeeper, makes a great chicken soup with vegetables,” said Father Ignatius, “I’ll ask her to bring you some this afternoon.”

Over the next few days Father Ignatius made sure that a group of people took turns at visiting Old Henry until he was up on his feet and ready to sin again. Small sins of course!

MORE FATHER IGNATIUS STORIES HERE

Do you fear God?

 

Hello and welcome to Time for Reflections.

One sentence that is often found in the Bible is about the fear of God. It’s often mentioned and refers to submission to God, and the fear of judgement and punishment and going to hell. A fear of God’s omnipotence and power. But is that really what fear of God should mean? Fearing punishment.

Let me give you a test.

Can you search in the Bible anywhere where Jesus says I have come to punish you for your sins.

Don’t bother looking for it. You will not find it because Jesus never said that He has come in order for us to be punished.

In fact in the Gospel of John Chapter 12 Verse 47 He says “anyone who hears my words and does not keep them, I do not judge him, for I have not come to judge the world but to save the world”.

Jesus came on earth to forgive our sins and to bring us back towards God because our sin moved us away from God.

In the Gospel of Matthew Chapter 12 Verse 7, after an argument with the Pharisees, He says to them, “I desire mercy, not sacrifice”. Jesus has mercy on us and realises that as humans we are liable to sin. And He came to forgive sins.

In fact not just to forgive sins. But, if I could quote the Gospel of John Chapter 10 Verse 10 He says, “I have come that you might have life and have it to the full”.

God wants us to enjoy this life, not to endure it and to see Him as a punishing God Who expects us to obey Him or else.

He has given us the freedom to do as we wish.

God love us and He invites us to love Him back and to obey Him. Or indeed, not to love Him, and not to obey Him, and to deny Him even.

If we are to fear God, it should not be a fear born out of retribution or punishment that may come. It should be because we fear hurting Him. We fear disappointing Him by our behaviour and by our failures.

Our fear – if fear is the word – should be a fear born out of love and respect for Him, and for what He has done for us and continues to do for us.

Our obedience should be freely given as an act of love and not the result of fear.

Thank you for listening. God bless.   

Thank you very much for listening to Time for Reflections. This is Vic Moubarak saying bye bye for now and God bless.

Peace

 

I have said this here and elsewhere many times. This world will never know peace until it learns to forgive.

I repeat; unless we learn to forgive there will be no peace.

Look at the world today. There are wars, and fightings and killings almost everywhere. And you will find that in all cases it all boils down to our inability, or unwillingness, to forgive. Some wars date back to things that happened many years ago. People are fighting about something their parents, grandparents or beyond did years ago. Injustices that they believe should be put right, even though, in many cases there really is no right answer ... ... ... until we decide to forgive.

Let us also look closer to home. How many of us really harbour grudges and ill-feelings about things done to us, or to our loved ones, years ago?

We may hide our feelings, deny them even, fool ourselves that we are of a forgiving nature; but in reality we are still angry about something someone did all those years ago which has not been resolved to our satisfaction and sense of justice.

And that very act of resentment, hidden within our souls as it might be, becomes the obstacle to peace within ourselves, our families and our loved ones. 

I sometimes wonder ... when Christ sees the scars in His hands, feet and side; does He harbour any anger and resentment ... or does He forgive once again?

The "No Title" Story

 

I was walking home after a gruelling job interview for a Project Management Accountant. They had kept me waiting for a while, then when it was my turn they asked me to stand on tiptoe. Then they told me to do a pirouette. I nearly fell on my face. Then someone suggested a cabriolé and a pas de deux. I told them the first one was a type of car and the other meant father of twins.

I did not get the job. Turned out I was in the wrong place.

So I walked home all dejected and forlorn. Or was it forlorn and dejected?

I looked behind me and discovered I was being followed by a Labrador dog. Perhaps he too had been to the wrong interview. Perhaps he wanted to be a racing horse. Or maybe he was a plain-clothed police dog.

I stopped. He stopped. I started walking again. He followed. I walked faster. So did he. Faster still. He pursued. I ran. He ran too.

I quickly stopped and jumped into a parked taxi. Fooled him.

I told the driver to just drive anywhere in circles and bring me back ten or so minutes later to the same place. He thought I was odd. He tutted and obeyed.

Eventually he dropped me off just by the library. As I got out, another taxi drew up and the dog got out.

How ... how did that happen? What kind of a dog is that?

The driver of the second car got out. He said he saw the dog running after me and assumed I'd left him behind in my hurry. So he brought him to me. He insisted I paid him or he'll teach me a ballet move that has yet to be invented.

I told the dog to sit. He obeyed and I entered the library to hide from him. 

The librarian asked if she could help me. I said, "I'm being followed!"

She offered to ring the police. I explained I was followed by a dog; then just as an excuse I asked for the first book that came to mind.

"Have you a book on paranoia?" I asked.

"It's behind you!" she said.

I jumped out of my skin. There behind me was a book on the shelf entitled "BOOOH !!!" by I M Startled.

I took the book and walked out. The dog was there standing on his hind legs, tail wagging and licking the face of an old lady. She explained that the dog had escaped his lead in the park and she'd been looking for him for the last half-an-hour.

She was so pleased to have found him. 

I was so pleased to have lost him.

The Wisdom Tree

 

I sat in the garden admiring the wisdom tree ... and I wondered ...

If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to see it, does it remain upright?

What is the difference between a wood and a forest? What is the limit of trees beyond which a wood becomes a forest? 50? 100? Or more?

And what is a jungle? Is it bigger or smaller than a forest?

And if Tarzan lived in the jungle, how come he is always clean-shaven?

What time do you have to get up in the morning to go to the forest before the trees get there?

At this point in my wondering, a bird flew by and rested on the wisdom tree. 

For some reason this made me think of humming birds. Why do they hum, I wondered. Is it because they do not know the words to the songs? 

Did you know that there are as many as 361 species of humming birds? That's enough to make a choir. Can you imagine? A church choir of humming birds not knowing the lyrics and humming instead. I bet they'd sound better than some choirs I've heard! 

I think I'll suffer in silence ... just like God does I suppose.

Years ago there was a song by The Tremeloes which said: Silence is golden, but my eyes can see.

I'm not sure that's always true is it? What if someone is about to sit on a cactus ... or worse ... on a pizza.

The song was about knowing that someone was cheating on a partner. Do you talk or not? What would you do?

Yes ... what would you do? If you knew, not suspected, but knew ... would you tell your friend? Or would you tell a relative that they are being cheated?

I asked the wisdom tree. It did not reply. And the bird flew away.

The devil of a thought

 

For those who follow Christ, there will be times, often perhaps, when thoughts will come to mind and take over and control their whole being. The devil will introduce idle, seemingly irrelevant thoughts at first, and these will grow into a state of negativity that will empower your whole being.

The closer we are to God in prayer, love and obedience the harder the devil works to lead us astray. There is no point in him tempting those who do not believe. 

The devil knows us very well; he knows our weaknesses and our fears. He plays on those fears and will turn those thoughts into worries and severe anxieties about the future, about our loved ones, about health or financial issues, or anything else that would take our focus away from God.

We need to recognise these temptations immediately as they manifest themselves. The more our lives are centred on Christ the easier this reflex reaction will become; and at the very first instant we turn away every shred of anxiety over to Jesus by praying repeatedly, "over to you, Lord, help me." 

We consciously, and as forcibly as we possibly can, we exclude from our mind every anxiety and evil-inspired thought and hand it over to God's influence. And with trust and hope see Him restore peace of mind and optimism into our lives.

Cheer Up You Lot!

 

I put a video of me sneezing on YouTube and now the whole street is doing the same. Apparently, it’s gone viral.

Tried making a candlelit dinner but I think it would have cooked quicker in the oven.

I bought some bird seed months ago, but still haven’t managed to grow any birds.

At the airport, I had my luggage torn to pieces, so I asked my lawyer if I could sue the airline. He said, “you don’t have much of a case”.

Couldn’t sleep, so went to a counsellor for advice.  He said, “sleep on the edge of the bed, you’ll soon drop off”

Went to the shop today to buy some lemons, bananas and apples, but they didn’t have any. It was a fruitless trip.

During the cold spell last week, I had to scrape ice off my windscreen. Used my supermarket loyalty card. Only got 10% off.

I always get frustrated trying to put my trousers in the wardrobe. Think I have hanger management issues.

A friend's business "Cooking with Spices" has not been successful. His bank has called in the bay leafs.

A local bank is introducing a cash machine built in to a tree. If it’s successful, they might expand to other branches.

Farmer thought that the barn he kept his chickens in was haunted. Had to call an eggsorcist. Turns out it was a poultrygeist.

I would tell a joke about a bed, but it hasn’t been made up yet.

Ran out of battery when filming my friend’s speech at his wedding. Now I’m never going to hear the end of it.

Checking in for a flight, I was asked, “Window or Aisle?”. I said, Window or you’ll do what?

As one door closes, another one opens. Wish I’d paid more attention to the assembly instructions for this wardrobe.

Went to see an Abba tribute band recently. They were so loud you could hear the drums from Nandos.

A friend of mine has just qualified as a chiropodist. His twin brother is a dentist. They opened a practice together called "Foot and Mouth Disease".

Officially Speaking

 

In Olden Days, (at the time of Abraham and Moses), I was one of the volunteers who stood at the church door on Sundays and welcomed people as they came in to Mass and gave them a hymn book and the weekly newsletter.

People still do this these days.

But I noticed that they now wear a lanyard round their neck with a badge saying "WELCOMER" (and their name).

This strikes me as odd. It says to me, "I am John, and it is my official duty to welcome you to church and to give you a hymn book and newsletter".

Let's face it, in our church we all know each other anyway. Very rarely does someone visit from another far off planet in another galaxy. And if they did, they would not care less if they are welcomed by someone with a badge or without one.

I dunno, maybe I'm too sensitive, or too observant, or too critical or ...

Anyway, so that you all know ...

This is Victor S E Moubarak welcoming you to this Blog. Please call again often and soon and invite others here too.

There ... I've said it.

60

Father Ignatius was very observant. He knew most of his parishioners by name and he noticed their moods, habits and behaviors and he reacted to them according to circumstances.

One early evening he came out of the Sacristy and he noticed that Mrs Holingsworth was arranging the flowers on the Altar and by the numerous statues of Saints around the church silently. She usually hummed her favorite hymns under her breath whilst working; but not today.

“Everything OK Denise?” he asked with a smile.

“I suppose so Father,” she replied glumly, “I was just thinking that’s all …”

“That’s what I like about women,” he joked, “you can multi-task … we men cannot think and work at the same time …”

She said nothing.

“Is there a problem I can help with?” asked the priest tentatively.

“Well Father,” she replied as she stopped cutting the stems of the flowers to make them the same size, “I’ve received a letter from my doctor … and it upset me …”

“Do you wish to talk about it …” he asked gently.

“It’s nothing serious … the doctor said that as I am now over 60 she invited me for a medical check-up … just as a precaution …”

“Well … what’s the problem …” asked Father Ignatius, for once missing the point entirely.

“It just brought it back to me Father … I am 60 … or rather I was 60 four months ago, and I told no one about it … I’d put it at the back of my mind … and now here’s a letter reminding me once again of my age … I mean … who wants to be 60?”

“I’m sure there are many people under 60 who hope to reach that age some day …” said the priest gently, “and there are many others over 60 who wish they could turn back the clock … but that’s not the problem is it Denise?”

“Well Father … I look at my life and wonder …” she stopped for a while and bit her lip, “my dear husband used to say that I will be as beautiful when I’m 60 as the day he first met me … we married when we were 20 you know …”

“I’m sure you are as beautiful as you were then,” he said trying to comfort her.

“Oh Father … are you allowed to say beautiful to a woman … you being a priest and all …”

“I didn’t realize that some words are forbidden to priests …” said Father Ignatius jokingly, “all right, I take it back. I am sure you look as you did when you first met Daniel … in fact he is looking down from Heaven right now and he agrees with me …”

She smiled finishing the flower arrangements on the Altar, and packing the debris of stems and wrapping papers to throw away.

“Look Denise … we all get at some point in our lives when we look back in fondness and look forward in trepidation perhaps,” said Father Ignatius calmly, “this is only natural. It is part of our human emotions.

“The trick though is not to dwell too much on the past or dread the future. We should trust Jesus to see us through what is to come … just as He did in the past, even though we were not aware of it …

“We should aim to live for the present … and live it as fully as possible … that’s what God wants for us. He wants us to enjoy life … not endure it in dread and trepidation …”

“Thank you …” she said managing another weak smile.

“You know Denise … there are many people spending their lives staring at tomorrow rather than living today. You know the kind … people who have their favorite set of teapot, cups and saucers made of the finest china … yet they do not use it … they keep it for a special occasion … or their favorite dinner plates and cutlery or whatever … and they still wait for that special occasion … for the day when the Queen or the Pope might visit perhaps …”

Father Ignatius smiled and then went on.

“But I can assure you that the Queen or the Pope will never visit your house … they are far too busy … so enjoy your tea set, cutlery or whatever you have right now …

“Don’t fret about your age … or what the future might bring … celebrate your achievements today, and move forward hand in hand with God.”

He stopped again to gauge her reaction.

“Do you know what I do when I’m feeling a little down?” he asked her.

She shook her head silently.

“I go across the road and get some freshly fried fish and chips from the shop opposite. Nothing makes me feel better … and it improves my waistline …

“In fact that’s where I’m going right now … Mrs Davenport has asked me to get some fish and chips as she was too busy today to prepare supper for Father Donald and I … Care to join the three of us for a fish supper … with salt and vinegar?”

“Yes please …” she replied smiling broadly.

FREE Father Ignatius Books HERE.

The Cauldron of Moans

 

Welcome to The Cauldron of Moans

Are you a Moaner Lisa? Do you find life offers you more moans than grins or smiles even? Well, you're not alone. There are too many things going wrong in the world right now which gives us cause to frown, tut-tut, to groan or moan even.

So feel free to add your moans in the Comments Box and join The Cauldron of Moans.

I am fed up with the number of traffic lights which are cropping up everywhere like wild mushrooms these days. It seems like the Local Authorities have spare money to spend/waste and they've decided that traffic lights are the way to do it. They not only slow the traffic down but they are hardly conducive to saving the planet, are they? You drive a few yards and stop, and drive and stop, and all the time yours and other cars' fumes are chocking the planet, and making the birds cough their hearts out. In a stretch of road about a mile long you can be stopped at least six times if not more. That and with lower speed limits (20mph in some areas) it's taking you longer to get where you want to be and you're using more gas and producing more exhaust fumes as well. 

This morning they put a traffic light in my front garden, another in the lounge, one half-way up the stairs and one outside the bathroom door. 

Another moan. There's a new word in town: shrinkflation. Because prices are going up everywhere, a trick by producers is to sell you less weight/capacity instead. What used to be 500 grams of rice or pasta is now 450 grams. It's the same for other products too. There's a biscuit which advertises the virtue that it is ultra-thin. Why not just sell the packaging and leave us to imagine the taste?

And another moan. Confusing news. You get a headline in a newspaper or on TV and when you get to read the story it is a waste of time on a non-story. Like when they mention a celebrity name involved in an incident/accident; you read the story and you find it is the partner of his/her cousin who got the accident and the involvement is merely one of being related to someone else. 

Another headline: New Male Contraceptive. Apparently it is a pill that a man takes to avoid pregnancy. Well, what's the use? Apart from Arnold Schwarzenegger in the film Junior I have not known any other man get pregnant.

What else do I find irritating? Oh yes ... choice. We're trying to save the planet, right? Although I'm not sure what we're saving it from or whether she asked to be saved. Well, if we truly mean this saving thing, then we should reduce waste. And nothing creates waste more than choice. Go to any supermarket to find out. There's at least a million different kinds of toothpaste, and hair shampoo, and washing up liquid, and soap powder ... and even foods like pasta for instance. Why so many different kinds and shapes of pasta? They're all made with the same ingredients, aren't they?

And with choice you get a variety of packaging. Different packets for different kinds of toothpaste and so on. And all those plastic bottles we throw away. They're not all recyclable you know? Let's face it, how can you make a cycle out of a plastic bottle?

Years ago we used to return the lemonade bottles and get a few pence in return. Milk was delivered on our doorstep in glass bottles which we rinsed and left on our doorstep for the milkman to collect and refill. 

Not many tin cans like beer and lemonades in those days. Now they ask us to take them to the recycling centre miles away and waste gas and pollute the planet whilst we drive there.

And also new models ... what a waste. Every few weeks there's a new make or model of cell-phone, or car or electronic gadget. People change their cell-phones every nine months on average. Over here clothes are thrown away after about ten washes. In order to save the planet I now keep my clothes on and wash them every six months or so whether they need it or not. Our clothes are so old that the moths have started a charitable collection to buy us some new ones.

Oh, I'm tired being a Moaner Lisa. Why don't you take over for a while. Place your moans in the Comments Box below.

Time For Laughter

 

A Priest and a Taxi Driver arrive at The Pearly Gates. St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes.

For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said.

Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment.

"St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?"

St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

===================== 

Boy Aged 4: Dad, I've decided to get married

Dad: Wonderful. Do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she's the best cook and story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That's nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!

Boy: Why not?! You married mine!

===================== 

I was in a long line at 7:45 am at the local Supermarket that opened at 8 am for seniors only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door you'll never get in there."

====================

I was at the hospital and walked into a Surgeon's Office

"Can I help you?" the surgeon asked.

"I keep thinking that I’m a moth," I replied.

"Well you probably want to see a psychiatrist for that," he said.

"Yeah, I know," I replied.

The surgeon looked confused. "Then... why are you here?"

"The light was on."

====================

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the desk.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

============================

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"

The problem may not be with the other person as we always think... could be very much within us!