Stop Monkeing Around

 

A Biker was riding his Harley along the beach when suddenly the sky opened above his head and, in a booming voice, GOD said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want.'

GOD replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

GOD replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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 A thief broke into my house last night looking for money. So I got up and searched with him.  

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A married couple had a fight and weren't speaking to each other for days. One evening, the husband leaves a message on his night stand. "I have a very important meeting tomorrow that I cannot miss. Please wake me up at 9 am". The next day, he wakes up and looks at the time. It's almost 11...

Wondering if his wife hadn't seen or read the message, he looks at his note and sees a new note beside his that reads: "It's 9 o'clock. Time to wake up!"

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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “John, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”

John replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

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A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”

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I vividly remember that I had a wonderful childhood. I remember the summer of 1992; my dad used to put me in a tyre and rolled me down a big hill.

It was a Goodyear

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My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?”

“I’m at Princess Grace General Hospital.”

“What city are you in?”

“Cambridge.”

“Do you know who I am?”

“Dr James Hanover-Smythe.”

My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Because all of those answers were on his badge.”

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The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."