Neighbourhood Watch

 

We have in the area where we live a Neighbourhood Watch Scheme whereby all neighbours watch out for each other and report anything suspicious to the police. We also send each other weekly e-mails advising us of anything we should be aware of in our area.

Once a month we meet at the main organiser's house, Mr Ivor Sorehead, and discuss matters that concern us all. Like for instance the fact that his dog is always barking, or that his two cats visit our gardens and use it as a toilet, or that his children are too noisy when playing football in the garden, or that whenever we have meetings in his house the biscuits are often stale and there are not enough of the chocolaty variety.

Anyway ... we have this Neighbourhood Watch Scheme and it seems to be working mostly OK; except for the fact of Sorehead's wandering cats giving us all a headache.

Years ago I was the leader of the Neighbourhood Watch Scheme in another town, but I gave it up because I hated all the greedy neighbours eating my chocolate cookies. I suggested they bring their own, and they voted me out of the Chair position.

Anyway ... back to where we live now. We've received an email lately saying there has been a number of burglaries in a neighbouring area and that we should be on the look-out, and to take extra precautions.

As a result we have had installed a wall safe in our home with a combination lock in which I keep my stockpile of chocolate cookies and jars of ginger marmalade of which I am very fond. In order to confuse any would-be intruder we have hidden the safe behind a large oil painting of a safe. Any thief would look at the painting and say, "Ha ... Ha ... They would not be that stupid to have a safe behind this painting!" and they'd leave it alone.

Also, from now on, whenever we leave the house we throw all the chairs haphazardly on the floor; also throw all cushions on the floor as well as pictures off the wall, and we empty all contents of drawers all over the place making it as untidy as possible. This way if any burglar comes in, he will see all the mess and think we've already been burgled and leave without disturbing anything.

If ever I am the only one at home, of course, we don't bother to untidy the house. Instead every so often I go to the front door and bark like a dog to frighten any passer-by. I bark two types of dogs. A big ferocious one and a tiny yappy one to give the impression we have two dogs. This often excites our own real dog who also joins in the barking. Last night he got so much into the act that he bit me in the backside.

We've also been advised that when we go out we should leave a light on and perhaps a radio or TV on so that anyone would think there's someone at home. To save electricity I don't have the radio or TV on but instead I stand behind the curtain and sing opera arias at the top of my voice. The dog sometimes joins in by howling at the top of his voice. So far, the ruse has worked well. 

Also, it seems to have frightened Sorehead's cats from our garden!

Neighbourhood Watch Meeting

May I have your attention please? Thank you ... and welcome to this month's meeting of the Neighbourhood Watch Scheme.

As you know, the last meeting of the Neighbourhood Watch was aborted because no one turned out. All members of the Neighbourhood Watch Scheme were out watching ... ... ... the fireworks at No 43 Acacia Avenue which unfortunately got out of control and burnt the house down.  Thankfully, no one got hurt, but those azaleas will never look the same again. Fortuitously the fire also destroyed the collection of hideous gnomes adorning the front garden of that property and lowering the tone of the neighbourhood somewhat.

I also want to report an incident which should serve as a lesson to all of us. The Neighbourhood Watch Scheme thrives on the participation of all of us and the community spirit which it engenders.

Speaking of spirits, the other night I was coming back from the pub with one of you who will remain nameless in order to spare Harry's blushes. It was about 10 o'clock at night, and as we walked home we kept an eye on every house we passed to see that all was well and there was nothing suspicious to report.

As we came by the Murgatroid's house, which as you know is a bungalow, we noticed that the front room, which is their bedroom, had its lights on and the curtain had been left open.

We looked through the window and saw that Mr and Mrs Murgatroid were busily doing their exercises on the bed. They were probably celebrating a birthday or an anniversary and in their excitement had forgotten to draw the curtains. Harry wanted to ring the doorbell and warn them but I dissuaded him because I thought it was unfair to spoil the moment. That night they gave Neighbourhood Watch a completely new meaning.

So take care when being amorous with your spouse, friend or neighbour and draw the curtains first.

Now that we have the Tinternet in all our homes we shall communicate with each other by this new e-mail type thing, rather than sending letters through the post. The old system was slow and had its drawbacks when the Post Office was on strike. Sadly, we all got to hear than Miss Hungerford was not well three weeks after her funeral.

We've have been advised by the police that there has been a number of burglaries in a neighbouring area and that we should be on the look-out, and to take extra precautions.

You are advised that, whenever you leave the house you throw all the chairs haphazardly on the floor; also throw all cushions on the floor as well as pictures off the wall, and empty all contents of drawers all over the place making the house as untidy as possible. This way if any burglar comes in, he will see all the mess and think you've already been burgled and leave without disturbing anything.

If ever you are the only one at home, of course, you don't need to untidy the house. Instead every so often go to the front door and bark like a dog to frighten any passer-by. Preferably, bark like two types of dogs. A big ferocious one and a tiny yappy one to give the impression you have two dogs. I did that the other day and it excited our own real dog who also joined in the barking. Last night he got so much into the act that he bit me in the backside. So if you already have a dog, you don't need to bark yourself.

Sadly, I have to report that Henry Smythe, a former member of this Neighbourhood Watch and the manager of the local IKEA store died last week. His funeral was delayed because no one could assemble his flat-pack coffin.

Also, I have been made aware that Peter Fordham, the old man who lives alone at Number 19 may have got himself a dog. I saw him with a dog lately. He must have named him "Help" because all day yesterday he kept calling, "Help ... Help ... Help ..." He eventually must have found his dog because he stopped calling it. There was an ambulance outside No 19 this morning. Does anyone know why?
No ... no one ... OK we'll move on.

We have had a spate of doormat swappings in our street lately. No one knows how it started. Most houses have a doormat or rug by their front doors for visitors to wipe their feet on before entering the house. Some have personalised doormats with the words "Smith Residence" or such like. Others have plain rubber doormats, or multi-coloured ones or whatever. Every one, or almost every one, has a doormat by their front door.

Lately, these doormats have swapped places. We get up in the morning and find that instead of our doormat we have the one from a few houses up the road, and they have another doormat which does not belong to them either; and every house has a doormat which belongs to their neighbours from further up the road, rather than the one living just next door.

I realise that it is pandemonium and inconvenient in the morning for everyone to be out and swap mats around. Especially those of you who got out in the street in various stages of undress ... ... ...  Helen and Donald.

Also, does anyone know why Mr Harrison from Number 14 came out of house Number 18 in his pyjamas with the young lady living there following him in her nightdress?

On Tuesday Wendy from Number 32 was rushed into hospital with two burnt ears. Apparently she answered the phone whilst ironing. The doctors asked her how she burnt her other ear. She replied: "It happened when I phoned for an ambulance!"

On Friday a cement mixer collided with a prison van at the crossroads up the street. The police are looking for some hardened criminals.

If there is nothing else to report, I declare this meeting of the Neighbourhood Watch Scheme closed.