The man and the ostrich

 

A man and an ostrich

The man goes into the bar and sits down, followed by an ostrich. The barman comes over. The man says:  I’ll have a beer. The barman looks at the ostrich who says: Same for me, please.

That’ll be £5.20, please. The man puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out the exact amount and gives it to the barman. The next day, the man and the ostrich come back and exactly the same happens.

Every evening the same routine happens. - The usual? asks the barman. - No, thanks. I’ll have a double scotch this time. - And the same for me, adds the ostrich. - That’s £5.80 then. Again, the man puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out the exact amount of money.

At this point the barman just has to know why. “Excuse me for asking, but how do you manage to pull out the exact amount of money every time?”

“Well, it might sound funny but I was clearing my attic and I found an old lamp. I rubbed it (as one would) and a genie popped out and gave me any two wishes.”

My first was to be able to pay for whatever I wanted to buy simply by putting my hand in my pocket and I would always have the correct amount. “Very clever, smiled the barman. Most people would have asked for a million pounds, or something like that, but you chose a way of being rich for ever”.

Absolutely: whether it’s for a newspaper or a Porsche 911 the exact amount is always in my pocket.

So what’s the story about the ostrich, then? - That’s where I messed up as, for my second wish, I asked for a chick with long legs …

Is it a bird?

 

Pay attention now and settle down. Today we talk about zooology. How many O's in zoo ology? I have put three for good measure.

Specifically, today's lesson is about ostrology. The ostrich. Is it a bird or an animal? 

Let me tell you straight-away it is of no use for falconry. You know ... people who have falcons, hawks or other birds of prey on their out-stretched arms and the bird flies off and returns on the arm when called.

Well, ostriches are absolutely useless at this. They are too heavy to sit on your arm. Besides, there is the small matter that they do not fly.

They have eyes on either side of the head yet they hope to look forwards. Seems impossible. 

They have knees that bend the wrong way round. Your legs bend backwards at the knees. The ostrich's leg bends forwards, which makes it look stupid when it walks.

Their feet have two toes as opposed to four like most birds. The inner toe has a huge nail and looks like a hoof. 

The ostrich can reach speeds of 45 miles an hour; unless it is on a train when it could be even faster.

It lays the largest eggs of any animal. Bigger than an elephant's egg; because elephants don't lay eggs. Are you paying attention at the back of the class?

One ostrich egg is the size of 25 chicken eggs. Which explains why it is not sold at the supermarket. They cannot find a box big enough to sell a dozen eggs, or six even!

Contrary to popular and erroneous belief the ostrich does not bury it's head in the sand. Unlike some people who do so all the time until things go wrong in their lives.

It is also not true that an ostrich has eight hearts. You are mixing this with the octopus which has eight tentacles or legs. The octopus can use its eight legs independently; which explains why it never competes at tennis tournaments.

Both the ostrich and the octopus for that matter are very fast. It is very difficult to run after an octopus and catch it. Which explains why it is so expensive in a restaurant. Also, as soon as you put it in boiling water it uses a spare tentacle to turn the oven fire off. 

In a race between an ostrich and an octopus the horse would not win because it is not taking part. Also, the octopus would win because the ostrich cannot swim.

The horse on the other hand is completely different from the zebra. Because God said so.