I had the misfortune to be in London to meet someone on business. I had never met her before. After our meeting was over I suggested we go to lunch. I was the host and I picked the first restaurant nearby.
What a stupid mistake. It was one of those pretentious very posh and extremely expensive restaurants where you come out more hungry than when you went in.
As we sat down a condescending waiter in a suit approached our table and said, "Welcome madam et monsieur, may I explain our concept especially designed for your pleasure and enjoyment?"
I was totally confused. For a moment I thought we were at a house of ill-repute. "Concept? Pleasure? Enjoyment?" I thought. My concept is much simpler. We are here to eat and leave.
The waiter went on to explain how and where they source their products; which in English means buy their food. How it is prepared; which means cooked. And presented; which means served.
I looked at the menu he gave us. It had words like "Pissaladiere, Escargot de Bourgogne, Ratatouille, Haricot Verts Amandine," and other fancy words which although I understood in French I did not know what they meant. For instance. what is a Pissaladiere when it's at home? I know that escargot means snails but does it matter if they come from Bourgogne, wherever that is, as opposed to from my back garden? Ratatouille? Well, I never. And what is green beans Amandine?
It's amazing how these people misuse the English language to mean something completely different. One of the dishes had a "delicate Bechamel sauce"; meaning it was mostly water. Another included a "hint of aromatic herbs"; meaning the dust you find at the end of the packet when you've used all its content.
I foolishly confessed that I don't like garlic. Is there anything on the menu without garlic?
He cleared his throat and condescended, "Zeez eez a French restaurant monsieur. Garlic eez our specialitee!"
Then came the sommelier who, just as patronisingly explained that some wines had a good palate and a sweet nose of "framboise" with a hint of autumn bouquet; Here's that word "hint" again. The wine waiter suggested that different vintages delicately supplement certain ingredients to maximise our eating experience and "pleasure". Sadly, they did not stock any brands of beers.
As I studied the menu trying to appear knowledgeable I noticed that none of the items had any price next to them. Not even the wines.
Each item on the food menu had a number next to it. 2019, 2017, 2022 and so on. I asked the posh guy what the numbers meant and he said it is the dates which that particular dish was created by the chef.
What?
"Are they not passed their sell-by date?" I asked, "we don't want stale rotten food you know!"
He did not respond or even crack a smile.
I mean, how can you possibly create a ratatouille, or a snail, or whatever else is on the menu? A meal is a meal and you make it as it has always been made with minute variations.
And why should the client be interested that a certain dish was "created" at a certain date? Does it really matter?
All in all, a disappointing experience with minute portions and extremely extremely over-priced.
We left just as hungry as we went in. Fortunately I had two KFC legs in my pocket from a previous meal. I offered her one but she declined pretending she was on a diet.
I cleaned off the lint from my pocket and ate both portions.
