Zoo Keeper's Report

 

NAME: Dumbo SPECIES: Elephantidae (Elephant)

Dumbo, you had a productive year this year and the good news is that you are still one of the main attractions in the zoo accounting for 87% of visits to your enclosure compared to other animals. However, let's face it, you have nothing new to offer except just standing there swinging your trunk left and right. You lack initiative and originality. I expect you to fly in the coming year.

NAME: Humphrey SPECIES: Genus Camelus (Camel)

OK Humphrey, I think we have worn out that joke about your name. What do you call a camel with three humps? Ha ha ... We need to change the notice on your enclosure to something more original. Any ideas? Why don't you chew on that and come up with suggestions? And every now and then take a bath or a shower. You smell like a camel's armpit!

NAME: Lammy SPECIES: Lama Glama (Llama)

We've discussed this before and you are on your final warning, Lammy. For some reason you are still a major attraction in this zoo, which is what saves you from becoming a steak at our next barbecue. However, you still insist on spitting on the visitors and often in the face. This is hardly conducive to good customer relations, is it? I will admit it is funny; especially that time when you spat in that fat woman's ice cream and she did not notice it and licked it clean. But the joke has gone too far. Stop spitting or else!

NAME: Reeno SPECIES: Rhinocerotidae (Rhino)

Look Reeno, you are so thick skinned it's unbelievable. It's as if nothing gets through to you. If I have told you once I have told you a million times. Will you stop leaving your excrement deposits in the enclosure in full view of the public. It smells to high Heaven, it attracts flies, and it confuses visitors. The other day some people thought they were molehills and wondered why they could not see any moles. Just go and do your business behind the bushes where I showed you by example.

NAME: Baloo SPECIES: Ursidae (Bear)

You certainly are an attraction Baloo. People still visit your enclosure to see the Disney character bearing your name. See what I did there? Bearing your name ... ha ha! The thing is, you just sit there doing nothing. You really are no different to others in your species like Icypops your polar cousin, or Koala who is an impostor and really not a bear at all. How about doing something original that would make you stand aside from the crowd? Have you learnt the words to "The Bare Necessities" as I told you?

NAME: Polly and Gone SPECIES: Psittacines (Parrots)

OK Polly and Gone, unless you improve your behaviour you will both be pollygone - that is no longer here. Get it? I have warned you several times not to be rude to the visitors. Telling that man the other day, "And from whose nose were you picked?" was not funny at all. When he complained, neither of you apologised as I suggested; and you Polly questioned his parenthood. And I must remind you that you are not sponsored by a fried chicken outlet so stop mentioning it or else you'll both be Kentuchy Fried Parrots!

NAME: Lofty SPECIES: genus Struthio (Ostrich)

Elegant you are not, Lofty. Impertinent, you certainly are. How many times do I need to tell you not to interfere with the visitors when they approach your enclosure? You ignore me and keep burying your head in the sand. Your behaviour is not funny; like when you ate the plastic flowers on that woman's hat. We had to compensate her by refunding her entrance ticket and paying for a new hat. That money should come out of your food allowance, if I had my way. But your worst behaviour is when you pecked the backside of that pretty young lady. She thought the man standing beside her did it. An argument ensued and we had to call the police. I warn you again; this behaviour is not funny. 

NAME: Various SPECIES: Blattodea (Cockroaches)

This report applies to the lot of you. Let's face it, you are boring. Boring, boring, boring; that's what I say. You sit there in your glass cage doing nothing. We have measured that on average people spend about 57 seconds looking at you and then move on. If we were not obliged to have an insects enclosure I would have you all wiped out. You are not as entertaining as the ants colony who busy themselves building nests and carrying food therein. Or like the stick insects who camouflage themselves like sticks and the public has fun trying to identify them. On average people spend at least 7 minutes watching them. Compare that to your measly existence you useless parasites. 

NAME: Ivor Rawbottom SPECIES: Humanus Idiot (Idiot)

Come in Ivor, sit down. I am very disappointed in you. This time your sense of humour has gone too far. What's the big idea of changing all the signs in the animals' enclosures on 1 April last?

You put a notice saying cobra in the giraffe's enclosure.The zebra was shown as a pelican. The tiger became an octopus. And the tortoise was marked common household fly. You caused havoc amongst a school outing and the children were asked to identify various creatures as an exam project. They all failed thanks to you.

Look Ivor, if you were not my father, and the owner of this zoo, I would have fired you by now.

The worst offence is when you took away my name and title from my office door and posted this photo instead.