Reflections for Easter

 

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Understanding the Bible

 

Often when we read the Bible there are certain bits we don't understand and perhaps take too literally. It is important in understanding the Bible to know the background of Jewish tradition.

Here are some examples:

In Matthew Chapter 22:1-14 Jesus tells a parable about a king preparing a wedding feast for his son. He invites many guests who do not turn up, so eventually, he invites all the people his servants can find in the streets until the wedding hall is full of guests. At the end of this parable there's an intriguing bit. The King enters the hall full of guests and sees a man not wearing wedding clothes. He is angry with him and gets him tied up and thrown out into the street.

Now this seems rather harsh treatment for someone not wearing the right clothes. Until we stop and understand Jewish tradition.

Jesus was talking to the Jews who understood very well that there are special clothes to wear at weddings. Almost every family had such special clothes in case they were invited to a wedding; even the poor would either have such clothes or borrow some.

No one would dare go to a wedding without special clothes. Even more important, traditionally the host of the wedding also provided special garments for those who did not have any, so they can borrow them for the occasion. So it was more offensive to the King for this guest to wear no garment.

This guest in the parable just did not bother; he showed disrespect to the King and his son; and was thus thrown out.

In the Gospel of John Chapter 10 Jesus says several times "I am the gate".

In Chapter 10 - 9 He says "I am the gate. Those who come in by me will be saved; they will come in and go out and find pasture."

This seems strange at first. We can understand when Jesus says "I am the Way" or "I am the Good Shepherd"; but gate? What does all that mean?

To understand this we need to visualise how a sheep pen at the times of Christ looked like. It was a circular or square enclosure built out of stone, wooden fencing or just hedges. And it had an opening through which sheep got in and out.

But shepherds in those days were poor people. They certainly would not have the money to build gates at the opening of the pen. They stayed "watching their flocks by night" with their sheep.

The pen looked something like the photo above.

And the shepherd would lie across the opening, sleeping with his sheep, and making sure that none would get out during the night. Also protecting them from wolves or other predators.

So, the shepherd was in fact the gate.

That's what Jesus meant when He said He is the gate.

He protects us from evil and stops us from going astray. 

" ... and if someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles." Matthew 5:41 

At the time of Jesus, when the Romans occupied the Holy Land, a Roman soldier had the right to ask a Jew to carry his luggage for him and walk with him. Imagine you were a Jew and a soldier asked you to carry his luggage and walk in the opposite direction you were going; ruining your day and other appointments. And you could not refuse. No wonder the Jews hated the Romans so much. However, the soldier could not force a Jew to walk more than one mile. After that distance he'd let him go; and probably pick another Jew to carry his luggage for another mile.

Hence Jesus' teaching to His followers and the expression to walk the extra mile.

Mark 7:24-30 (abridged) 

Jesus set out and went to the region of Tyre. A woman whose little daughter had an unclean spirit immediately heard about Him, and she came and bowed down at His feet. The woman was a Gentile. She begged Him to cast the demon out of her daughter. He said to her, "Let the children be fed first, for it is not fair to take the children's food and throw it to the dogs." But she answered Him, "Sir, even the dogs under the table eat the children's crumbs." Then He said to her, "For saying that, you may go - the demon has left your daughter." So she went home, found the child lying on the bed, and the demon gone.

As a Gentile she was not a person with whom Jesus would be expected to associate. We may think that He is being rude calling her and her people dogs. 

He is in fact saying that He came to be with His people first, (the Jews), and it is not fair for Him to spend His time with, and performing miracles for, the Gentiles. 

Jesus here is not being rude, or deliberately withholding love and grace from some people. His imagery, comparing the woman and her people to dogs, may be harsh, but Jesus here is doing two things worth noting:

He is testing the woman's faith.

He is sending a clear message to the onlookers who see what is happening; and who reported it to be written in this Gospel for all of us to read and learn. 

She responds back. She is not going to be put off by His refusals. Her needs are too important. Her love for her daughter is such that she is not going to back off at the first obstacle she encounters. She responds that even she and her people, unworthy as they might be in someone's eyes, are still worthy of God's pity and compassion. 

Jesus is impressed. He obviously knew how she would react; and He heals her daughter.

But the message He sends is there for all to see. God's love, pity and compassion is for everyone. No one is excluded. We are all worthy and we are all loved as individuals no matter who we are.

Psalm 22 was written by King David roughly a thousand years before the birth of Jesus of Nazareth. It depicts aspects of crucifixion well before this method of execution was devised and used by the Romans.

Here's a significant detail often missed. The Psalm identifies the executioners of Jesus as Gentiles. The Jewish leaders had no authority to kill Jesus. Only the Romans (Pilate) had that authority. It is he who condemned Him to death. Note the word "dogs" in Verse 16. This was the term used by the Jews when referring to the Gentiles.  

"Dogs surround me, a pack of villains encircles me; they pierce my hands and my feet."

Jesus was not insulting when He calls the woman "dog". He was referring to a language His Jewish onlookers understood too well.

John Chapter 20 Verse 7 After Christ’s death and burial, Mary Magdalene visited the tomb and found the stone rolled away from the entrance. She ran to Simon Peter and the other disciple and told them what she had seen. Peter and the other disciple ran to the tomb. When Simon Peter got in and went inside he noticed the linen wrappings lying there, but the cloth that had covered Jesus’ head was folded and lying to the side.

This small detail is often missed or misunderstood. 

In ancient Hebrew tradition the folded napkin was symbolic between the master of the house and his servant.

When the servant set the dinner table he made sure that everything was perfectly set out as the master wished and then he would wait out of sight until the master finished eating.

The servant would not clear the table until the master had finished.

When the master finished his meal he would wipe his fingers and mouth with the napkin and then toss the napkin on the table.

The servant would then clear the table, because in those days a tossed napkin meant “I’ve finished.”

However, if the master left the table but neatly folded the napkin and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not touch the table.

The folded napkin meant “I’m coming back!”

So ... you think you're a Christian?

At a discussion recently someone said, "I'm a Christian. I was baptised as a baby and was married in church. I believe in Jesus and wear a Cross for protection. I don't go to church regularly like 'proper' Christians or read the Bible. I don't need to. But I am a Christian".

In my view, this person is one of many who is not a Christian but is living in the misapprehension that entry to Heaven is automatic because he's a good person really. 

Being baptised does not make one a Christian; especially when you're a baby and do not know what is going on.

Believing in Jesus does not make you a Christian either. The Devil believes in Jesus. He tried to tempt Him many a time. Jesus drove out many demons who possessed people. They knew and believed who He is. The Pharisees, Saducees and scribes knew and believed in Jesus as the Son of God. They had read it in Scripture and conspired to kill Him because He was a threat to their position of power. It takes more than believing in Jesus to be a Christian.   

Wearing the Cross for "protection" is in itself an insult. The Cross is not a good luck charm or a talisman with magic powers. Sadly, many treat it as such or as a piece of jewellery rather than a memory of what it represents.

To be a Christian one must believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that He walked this earth as fully human and fully God. He died for us and was resurrected by His Father, our God.

Being a Christian is a way of life. It's not a badge or a title to identify one with. It's a way of life which requires one to behave in a certain way.

To be a Christian means to share our lives with Christ and to live as He would expect us to. To pray and communicate with Him daily, perhaps more than once a day. And yes, to visit Him regularly in church - not for His benefit, but for ours in order to improve ourselves and get closer to Him by our living example to others. 

To be a Christian means reading the Bible and other Christian literature in order to learn more about Christ, the real person we claim to love and follow. Jesus is not just a badge or an ornament to be worn on our lapel or round our neck. He is not just a nice person we may have seen on TV and the cinema. Jesus is the Son of God and deserves more respect than many afford Him.

Sadly ... that individual at the discussion was in no mood to listen. He was sure he is a Christian.

Octo Fatcts

 

In my research I have uncovered a number of facts which probably you did not know about Octopuses. For a start, the plural of octopus is in fact octopuses and NOT octopussies as some people believe. But that aside, let's consider some really interesting facts.

Scientists have discovered that the octopus is in fact a very intelligent creature. It has several "brains" which are located in their arms or tentacles and not in the head as you would imagine. The reason for this is that each tentacle has several suckers which are controlled independantly. So the creature needs some sort of reflex action/reaction in the arms or tentacles to control all those suckers. Thus the "brain" in the tentacles does this.

However, apart from that form of "low level" intelligence based on reflex actions scientists have discovered that the octopus can actually be taught just as we can teach a child or a pet dog.

For instance, after years of trials and experiments marine biologists have taught an octopus to count up to eight.

Despite several attempts to teach him to count further, all efforts have failed, and it is therefore unlikely that any octopus will become an accountant any day soon. This is because accountants have to count higher than eight, and also they have the benefit of calculators to help them in this respect.

Scientists have given the octopus several calculators - eight in fact. All that the animal did was juggle them over his head with great alacrity.

At this point I must confess that I had to look up the word alacrity as I did not know what it meant. The octopus picked up my dictionary and juggled it too with audacity and gusto. Audacity and Gusto were not too pleased about it though.

Anyway, the scientists took the calculators away and gave the octopus tennis balls. He promptly juggled them above his head and managed up to eight balls at a time. The octopus was given a tennis racket but he was completely useless with it. Which explains why no octopus has ever won Wimbledon or any other world tennis tournament.

It is said that if you are ever stung by an octopus on the beach the best way to counteract the sting is to pour urine on it. The acidity of the urine neutralises the sting.

This happened to me once on the beach and someone suggested the remedy to me. Unfortunately, despite the fact that many people were there at the time, no one volunteered to oblige and come to my aid.

As I'm sure you can imagine, it was not physically possible for me to self-administer this cure whilst standing on one leg. Which is where the octopus has an advantage on us humans.

In many countries the octopus is a delicious delicacy enjoyed in many upper-class restaurants. Unfortunately the dish is very expensive because the octopus runs so fast with his eight legs that no human can catch him quickly enough. Which is another reason why the octopus has been banned from entering any Olympic races or any running tournament for that matter.

On the rare occasion an octopus is caught and taken to the kitchen he wrestles with the cook and throws all the knives and kitchen utensils all over the place. When he is sometimes over-powered and put into a large pot of water, (with a little salt, pepper, and a hint of origano), the octopus uses his free tentacle to turn off  the cooker.

Another intimate and somewhat delicate fact is that male octopuses find it very difficult finding a girl-friend. This is because whenever they meet, their arms are all over the place which is somewhat upsetting for the lady octopus. I mean ... can you imagine sitting at the back of the cinema and feeling an arm coming round behind your neck for a cuddle? And as you remove one arm another moves forward to replace it?

And that's all about the octopus for now. A creature with eight legs because eight brains are better than one; and mine hurts right now having written all this for you. I hope you appreciate the length and sacrifice I go to to inform and educate my readers.

Living with Mystery

 

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You are invited to read an interesting article

by

Father Jonathan Moore

at

The Christian Lounge

 

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OR

HERE  

Have you ever wondered?

 

Have you ever wondered why the earth spins round on itself, and indeed spins around the sun? Other planets too spin around on themselves and the sun.

How do they do this, and why? If you pick an orange high up in your hand and let go, it will fall to the ground. It will not spin on itself and around the light bulb hanging from the ceiling.

So how does the earth do this?; and continue to do it for millions of years without stopping?; albeit some people say it is slowing down; (perhaps a bit like you when you wake up in the morning).

My scientist friend said it is to do with the flow of time - whatever that is. He said that as time flows by it makes things spin, like the earth and other planets. It also make them go round the sun. I didn't understand a word he said; my head is still spinning, but not me.

Also, did you know that deep inside the earth as a planet it is very hot; hotter than hell it seems. So I asked, how can it be hot, and what is burning in there, and where is the oxygen coming from to sustain all this burning for millions of years.

My friend said there is no need for oxygen. The heat is the result of pressure. The earth crust, (that's where we are all standing or I am leaning against the bar), is pressing into the centre to keep the whole planet intact. All this pressure is creating heat which stays inside the planet - or comes out sometimes from volcanoes. Apparently we can use this heat in something called geothermal. You drill a hole on the crust of the earth, pump cold water down and it brings up steam under pressure which you use to turn turbines and make electricity.

Oh ... and another thing. How come we are standing on the crust of this planet and we don't fall off? Is it magnetism. Are we stuck on earth because the earth is a magnet and we eat spinach which is made of iron? Or is it gravity? When you drop that orange is it magnetism or gravity that pulls it down to the ground?

I have spent many a sleepless night in Seattle trying to fathom out all these questions. I hope you do the same.

And one more thing. Why are pizzas round, and they come in square boxes, and you cut them into triangles? To defy science, I now cut them into long rectangular strips.

So there!

Adultery

 

John 8:1-11

We all know the story when the Pharisees brought to Jesus a woman caught committing adultery.

According to Jewish law she had to be stoned to death for that sin. In those days adultery was a serious offence; not like these days where many treat it as a joke.

Anyway, the scribes and Pharisees brought this woman to Jesus to see whether He would agree to her being stoned. Notice how hypocrites they are, they brought the woman. Where is the man, I ask?

The thing is, it is easy for religious people to hide behind hypocrisy. They stand upright and make out that they are offended by others' sins and yet they hide how truly evil they are.

In this case, they were also trying to trick Jesus into making the wrong decision. Would He follow the Jewish law or not? 

We’re told in the Gospel of John that Jesus wrote in the sand with His finger. We don't know what He wrote. I guess He wrote, ‘Dear God … will they never learn?’

But that’s not important; what is important is that after He said let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone, and when they all left one by one, Jesus turned to the woman and asked ‘Is there no one left to condemn you?’

She said ‘No one …’

And Jesus replied ‘I do not condemn you either. Go, but do not sin again.’

Now Jesus did not mean do not sin any sin whatsoever ever again for the rest of your life!

He knew that that is impossible. The woman was human, and it is natural that she would sin again. Jesus knows our human nature and He knows that we are liable to sin again and again.

What Jesus said to the woman is, do not commit that particular sin again … it is serious enough to get you into a lot of trouble with the Pharisees as well as with God Himself.

And that’s what Jesus is saying to us today.

He knows we are weak. He knows that we will sin. By saying ‘do not sin again’ Jesus is warning us to beware of those particular sins which are serious enough to lead us into damnation, and into an eternity of exclusion from our Father in Heaven.

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE'S SERMON ON THIS READING HERE 

Disciples make Disciples

 

I'm doing as best as I can, God. 

Someone on TV said the other day that Disciples make Disciples. What he meant is that all Christians are tasked to evangelise. He explained that we can't all be preachers, pastors, knock from door-to-door, or hand out leaflets in the streets; but we show we are Christians by the way we live.

Let's admit it, we are not all good examples of Christianity by the way we live are we? I get irritable by stupidity in real life or by various experts on TV teaching the silly obvious.

But we can be Disciples, I thought, by what we write on our Blogs and social media outlets. Technology has given us a new, free, opportunity to express our Faith in a gentle encouraging way which could prompt someone to want to discover more about God and Christ in their lives. We never know who reads what we write. There are many people out there who have never learnt about God and Jesus. Can you imagine if your words were the first step for them on their path to Heaven?

Let's consider this: Jesus started with twelve followers. He had no Internet. How many "followers" have we got? Can you imagine what we can achieve with His help?

Let's us pray first ... and then start writing.  

Are you stressed?

 

 

Are you stressed? Are you the kind of person who is often easily wound-up and upset? You watch something on TV, the News perhaps, and you are angry at what you see. You wish you were in control; things would certainly be different then.

Psychologists say there are two types of people - A group and B group.

"A" people are often very stressed and wish to be in control of situations including those out of their control. They get angry even. And this anger is bad for our health.

These people get stressed at the slightest thing, because they believe they are right and therefore everyone else is wrong. For example, they believe the toilet roll in the bathroom should be hung one way - their way. Any other way and it is wrong. They go to the point that when visiting people in their homes they change the toilet roll to their way of hanging it.

I know someone who does that every time she visits us. But I fixed her!

I have wired the toilet roll to an alarm bell. If she attempts to change the way the roll is, an alarm sounds throughout the street and she is locked in the bathroom. The Fire Brigade came to get her out through the window just the once. She never changed the roll any more. Mind you, she never visited us since !!!

"B" people are relaxed throughout life no matter what happens. Totally laid back. Nothing bothers them. If they fainted they would need help to get them to the ground.

I tend to lean towards "B". So much so that I fall over ... with some help.

I never get upset at long slow-moving queues, (lines), at the bank or at the supermarket checkouts. In fact I choose them in preference to short ones. I find standing in a queue relaxing as I watch what people have bought in their trolleys and wonder what kind of people they are. The other day I noticed a woman had in her trolley no fewer than six packets of condoms; all of various types and quality/flavour (???) 

It's the same when travelling. I always stand in the longest and slowest queue leading to the boarding gate. And for extra relaxation, when I reach the boarding gate and it is my turn to enter, I leave the queue and stand right at the back again. You should see the faces of all the "A" type people standing there. I have also missed many a train, bus and plane this way. But I was so relaxed I did not need a holiday.

So there you are. Be relaxed as a "B". Not as stressed as an "A".

How about you? Are you an "A" or a "B" person?

Which way do you hang your toilet paper?

Dog Tunes

 

Just bought a CD for my dog. It's a special recording in ultrasonic sound. Only dogs can hear it. You put the CD in the player and you hear nothing, but the dog can enjoy music and songs. 

The CD has songs such as "How much is that doggie in the window?", "Puppy love", "Shep", "You're nothing but a hound dog" and my dog's favorite "Who let the dogs out". 

There's a cat version with "I thought I saw a pussy cat", "Top Cat", "What's new pussycat?" and all the songs from the musical Cats as well as Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. 

The CDs make a great gift for your pets birthday. You can play them as loud as you want and the neighbours will never complain - but their pets might if you have not invited them to the party !!!

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The Christian Lounge 

 

Uncertain Times

 

I am getting a little tired with the number of times politicians and experts on many subjects come on TV and tell me that we live in uncertain times. This is often a preamble for them to expound their theories on any topic and end up teaching you nothing and leaving you depressed to the point of suicidal.

At the risk of offending anyone, let me proclaim my theory. Henceforth, it will be known as Moubarak's Theory of Certainty in an Unstable World. 

What is uncertainty? Imagine waking up in the morning and your egg Benedict tastes like rotten fish. Or your coffee tastes of soap suds. Now that is uncertainty. Things that happen suddenly and unexpectedly that leave you perplexed and even worried. Especially if the uncertainty continues in other spheres of your life, like your car becomes another colour, or the trees in your garden have moved places by themselves. No doubt you can think of other examples.

Personally, I don't think we live in uncertain times. We live in very certain and predictable times.

You don't need to look too far in the Bible to find examples of many times when people moved away from God and faced terrible (predictable) outcomes.

The Jews rebelled against Moses and God after they left Egypt. Look what happened to them.

People rebelled and disobeyed God at the times of Noah and were destroyed by the floods.

King David, his son Solomon, and his son Rehoboam all disobeyed God and faced the consequences.

Throughout history you will find that when humanity turns its back on God its Creator they face terrible times.

This is not uncertainty. It is certainty. Whether we like it or not God has given us a set of rules to live by. We ignore them at our peril. We live in very certain and predictable times. 

NOTE: This post should not have been written in case it offends someone. You may choose to ignore it.  

Scientific Knowledge

 

Here are some scientific facts for your edification.

Did you know that if a centipede is attacked it detaches some of its legs and throws them at his attacker? That way the attacker stops to eat the leg and the centipede runs away and hides. Unfortunately when the centipede returns to retrieve his lost shoes and socks he gets eaten anyway.

Also, did you know that silverfish can live for two to eight years unless you hit them hard with your shoe.

Before silverfish reproduce, they carry out a complicated ritual which may last over half an hour. First the male and female stand face to face, then repeatedly back off and return to this position. In the second phase, the male runs away and the female chases him. In the third phase, the silverfish do what they want in the privacy of their own home.

The thorny devil lizard can absorb water through its skin like a blotting paper. Then it drinks the water by opening and closing the mouth - they drink through their scales like sipping through a series of straws. 

The cricket chirps at night depending on the temperature. If it is very hot it could chirp 30 or 40 times a minute. If it is a little cooler it would chirp perhaps 15 to 20 times a minute. In very cold conditions it does not chirp at all because it is frozen out of its tiny mind.

The coldest temperature ever recorded is known as Absolute Zero. At Absolute Zero nothing happens. The buses will not run and don't even think of licking a lamp post because you'll be stuck there with no one to release you.

Talking of Zero ... scientists have built a chamber where you can simulate Zero Gravity. They put an elephant and a mouse in the chamber to find out whether, when there's no gravity, they would float at the same rate, rising at the same time. Surprisingly, they did float up at the same rate despite their different size. However, when they switched the gravity machine off the elephant fell with a bump on the mouse and killed it.

The ancient Greek playwright Aeschylus was killed by a tortoise dropped by an eagle which feed on tortoises by dropping them on hard objects. The eagle had mistaken his bald head for a rock suitable for shattering the shell of the reptile. Ironically, Aeschylus had been staying outdoors to avoid a prophecy that he would be killed by a falling object.

Did you know that Madagascar hissing cockroaches eat fresh vegetables and dry dog food pellets? The hiss is produced when they forcefully expel air through the specially-adapted respiratory openings under their wings. 

Whilst staying at a cheap hotel once I killed a cockroach in my room. Within minutes the place was infested by cockroaches who had come for the funeral.

Snails are amongst the slowest and most boring creatures on earth apart from lawyers and accountants. In Olden Days snails were as big as pigs. They were still very slow and left a trail of slime behind them which people would slip on and get injured. Because of their slowness they were all caught and eaten in a delicate  garlic sauce. Did you know that if a snail climbed up your leg it would be at least two days before you said  "OOOH !!!"

Did you know that flamingoes stand on one leg because if they were to lift it up they would fall?

Also, did you know that in Shakespeare's play Hamlet, Polonius hides himself behind Gertrude's arras?

What's that to do with natural science? I hear you ask. Well ... I just thought that she must have had a big arras to hide a man behind!

Did you know that the majority of men with beards (about 68%) sleep with their beards tucked under the bed covers rather than over the bed covers?

And that beards grow faster and longer than hair on men's heads?

Human ears grow bigger in proportion to the rest of our bodies as we grow older. I knew a man with his ears sticking out quite a bit. He looked like a car with its doors open. On a windy day he would spin round like a revolving door.

Did you know that if you had a meal in a restaurant that is totally dark you would not be able to tell the difference between steak and a beefburger?

Did you also know that if you're in a vacuum and you shout loud no one would hear you? And it would make no difference whether the vacuum bag is full of dirt and dust or whether it was empty?

Do you realise that if you had a small bird in a cage and as you happen to weigh the cage if the bird jumped up from its perch then its weight would not register on the scale?

Also, if you were to weigh the cage under water the small bird would drown?

And in order to peel and cut an onion without tears you have to do it under water; that is if you can hold your breath for that long?

It's true I tell you. All these facts have been well researched in a scientific book which I am writing.

The Shoebox

 

The Shoebox

Chris Young

Don't leave it too late

 

 

 Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door
 

I know that I’m a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I’m a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him
in the living years
 

Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got
 

You say you just don’t see it
He says its perfect sense
You just can’t get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence
 

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you
hear
It’s too late when we die
To admit we don’t see eye to eye
 

So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the
past
We only sacrifice the future
It’s the bitterness that lasts
 

So don’t yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don’t give up, and
don’t give in
You may just be OK.
 

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you
hear
It’s too late when we die
To admit we don’t see eye to eye
 

I wasn’t there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn’t get to tell him
All the things I had to say
 

I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I’m sure I heard his echo
In my baby’s new born tears
I just wish I could have told him
in the living years
 

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you
hear
It’s too late when we die
To admit we don’t see eye to eye

Mike and the Mechanics
The Living Years

 

 

At the vet

I had to take our cat to the vet for his annual vaccinations. You know the kind … Immunisation against all sort of feline diseases and allergies appertaining to cats. Except being cunning, conniving, plotting and scheming … there’s no vaccinations for that apparently.

First you have to put the cat in this small carrier cage especially designed for the purpose. Easier said than done … Have you ever seen one of those contraptions? They are small … cat sized actually … there’s no point in having a cage as big as a house is there? 

It’s a small box with a little door on the side. You open the door, put the cat in, and closed the door again. Simple … if the cat is willing to co-operate that is. It is dark in there and of course the cat is not interested is he? He’s had previous experience of that box. It always leads to the vet where bad things happen … as far as he’s concerned. And as far as I’m concerned too … have you seen how much the vet charges? His treatment costs more than the cat itself!

So I pick the cat … He hisses and struggles. He rolls round on his back to escape. He bares his teeth. He scratches for all he’s worth. He somehow manages to close the cage door just as I’m putting him in. The cage falls on the floor landing right on my foot. I jump and hobble in pain whilst the cat is permanently attached to my face with all claws drawn out like daggers. In my blind confusion I trip over the cage and land head first into the box of cat litter; whilst the cat escapes up a tree and laughs raucously at my misfortune.

Several attempts and First Aid plasters later the cat’s in the cage and we’re at the vet. And the same rigmarole starts again. The cat won’t come out of the cage. He wriggles and turns on the vet’s table. He runs up the curtains. We hunt him down and try to hold him still for a second or two whilst the vet prepares the injection. The cat hisses and scratches at the sight of the needle. I feel a sharp pain in my arm and all is over.

Now the vet did say that the injection is not harmful to humans … and the side effects are only temporary.

How could this be? If it’s not harmful then why have any side effects? Temporary or otherwise? In order to pacify me the vet agreed to waive the usual fee and asked me to come back next year without the cat.

The side effects of the injection are quite disturbing. I’ve noticed that recently I’ve started to lick my hands for no particular reason. I have an urge to climb trees and I sit purring happily at people when in public. It’s very embarrassing on crowded trains and buses … especially when I want to cuddle closely to people.

I went to see a psychiatrist. He said, “Get on the couch!” I told him I’m not allowed on the couch.

He gave me some red tablets to take once a day. I asked him what they do. He said “I don’t know. They’re samples I’ve received this morning and I’m trying them out on new patients!”

He asked me whether I get sudden headaches and pain on the knees. I said that I didn’t. He said that he’d had these symptoms for a week and couldn’t work out what it was.

He then gave me a saucer of milk and a piece of fish from his lunch box. He presented me with an invoice for $300. Can you imagine that? $300 for some milk and a piece of sardine sandwich!

That cured me instantly I tell you.

I said I’d report him to the Veterinary Society. He replied that he was not a vet.

“What business have you to treat a cat then?” I asked him directly.

He had no answer to that and he too agreed to waive his fee.

More cat stories in FELINE CATASTROPHES.

AMAZON LINK  HERE

Tension Relief

 

There's a fashionable new trend spreading throughout Europe known as Omphaloskepsis.  

Omphaloskepsis, or navel-gazing, is contemplation of one's navel as an aid to meditation and relaxation.

The statue above, which is at the entrance of a relaxation parlour near us, is a replica of the original at the Louvre in France. These four creatures are satyrs. In Greek mythology, a satyr, also known as a silenos, is a male nature spirit. They are in fact gazing at their navels and not at what you might think.

Men and women attend these Navel Bases to gaze at their navels and relax away the tensions and pressures of modern life. For an additional fee they can also gaze at other peoples' navels in the unisex communal area. It is a place where people go to air their differences.

I met a famous omphaloskepsis expert there to tell me more about this mode of relaxation. Professor Como Toez explained to me that by gazing at one's navel, or at someone opposite you, and breathing in and out slowly it will wash away all the pent up tension of a busy and difficult day. Of course, one can do this at home like the statue above, or by standing in front of a mirror; but it is not the same as communal navel gazing. It's like watching the sky at night, he said.

He added that omphaloskepsis dates back many years. The statue above dates from the second century AD and was found in Rome. Artists over the years have featured omphaloskepsis in their paintings. Like Titian who lived in the late 1400s:

As you can see, he is gazing at her navel and relaxing at the same time, 

And the Flemish painter Peter Paul Rubens who lived between 1577 and 1640: 

It is also believed that the reason the Mona Lisa is smiling is because she was looking at the Leonardo Da Vinci's navel at the time. Apparently, he liked to paint people in the nude. 

 

For your homework today; can you find out if chickens have navels. I think not; which explains why they are never relaxed.

At the therapist

 

So ... we went to the therapist. She asked how long we've been married. 

The therapist marriage guidance counsellor lady asked this; not my wife. My wife knows to the day when we got married. I forgot our anniversary once, and she made sure I'd remember in future.

Anyway, I said to the therapist that our marriage was so long ago that the marriage vows were in Latin.

"That long?" she asked with a feeble smile.

"No ... we are Catholic and Latin is the only language God understands!" I replied.

My wife accused me of being facetious and always making jokes; and I don't listen when spoken to. 

The counsellor said that whilst humour can relieve tension ... then she said some other things which I can't remember.

Then she asked whether we argue a lot. 

I said that since we got married we only had one argument on our wedding night.

The counsellor said that was impressive, only one argument. I said that since then I did not want to interrupt. My wife got upset at that.

The counsellor said that as time goes by love sometimes tends to grow cold ... and a few more things I forgot what she said.

I remember she said we should love each other like turtle doves. I said we are birds of a feather. She smiled at that.

I added, "More like parrots rather than turtle doves!" She frowned at that. I explained that one partner can't stop talking and I get tired listening. My wife got upset again.

She said she sometimes felt unloved. My wife that is, not the therapist. We were not there to provide her with marriage guidance; although I think she needed it judging by her sour face.

The therapist explained to me that sometimes women need reassurance that they are loved. I suggested that I print "I love you" on a laminated card and my wife can read it whenever she needs re-assurance. 

The therapist was not pleased with me and said a few things which escaped my mind.

Then she talked about love, and caring and sharing and a few more things. I remember clearly at the time I was thinking about what to write on my Blog. Then there was a sharp elbow in my ribs.

So I said suddenly, "That's right ... I understand!" 

She was pleased about this, I think, because she smiled. 

Then I remember she said that her husband was a therapist also; and she suggested we all get together; me and my wife and her and her husband to explore possibilities further.

I felt uncomfortable with this. Namely because our bed is too small for four people. Besides, it might upset our dog.

What do you think? Does she need therapy guidance or not? The counsellor not my wife.

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Bible Stories from the Old Testament

At the beginning God created Adam and gave him the task to name all the animals, birds and creatures of the sea. Adam was enthusiastic at first and as the animals passed by he said in monosyllables "Ant, bee, cat, dog, cow, pig ..." and so on.

In time, he became more adventurous and used longer words, "giraffe, horse, llama, tiger, panther, zebra ..." and so on.

But there were many animals and birds, not to mention all the fishes in the sea, still to be named. So Adam grew tired and he could hardly keep his eyes open. When the next animal walked by him he said, "Hippopotamus amphibius or Choeropsis liberiensis or Hexaprotodon liberiensis depending on the size of the animal."

At which point God hit Adam on the head with a dead bat and said "Don't be too clever, lad!"

And that's how we got the word Hippopotamus.

Adam asked God, "I wish I had some company other than these dumb animals! I wish I had another person like me ... but not totally like me if you understand what I mean. I like her to be beautiful. I want her to love me and to be faithful and loyal to me. To be always with me. To be able to cook and clean when things get a little untidy; but not when sports is on TV. And generally to be the best companion and friend any one in the world would wish for. "

"Good Lord!" said God mentioning Himself, "you're not asking for much are you? To have a wife like that would cost an arm and a leg!"

Adam hesitated and then replied, "All right ... what do I get for a rib?"

 The people of the Old Testament behaved badly, (like they do today). So one day God had enough and decreed that there will be rain for forty days and nights and everyone will drown ... except one family of a man called Noah.

God asked Noah to build a big boat. Big enough for him and his family and all the animals of the earth who will also be saved from the flood that is to come.

Noah built the boat, and eventually started collecting animals from all over the world. However he became over-enthusiastic and collected mosquitoes, wasps, yellow jackets, scorpions, and all other creepy crawly bad creatures on the boat. Remember that next time a mosquito or wasp bites you.

Unfortunately, in his total stupidity, Noah forgot to put all the dinosaurs and the dodo in the boat. Which is why they are now extinct.

Did you know that originally Noah was a farmer, not a boat builder. He is also the first man ever to plant a vineyard and to make wine. He drank it and got totally drunk so he took all his clothes off and lay naked in his tent airing his personality. 

His son Ham, (what a name), saw Noah naked and he took photos with his cell-phone which he then posted all over social media. If you don't believe me read Genesis 9:20-22. 

There once was a man called Samson. He had long hair which apparently gave him great strength. One day, because he was angry with the Philistines, Samson caught three hundred foxes. Two by two he tied their tails together and put torches in knots. Then he set fire to the torches and turned the foxes loose in the Philistine cornfields. He burnt not only the corn harvested but also that in the field, and the olive orchards as well. And that is how popcorn was invented. (Judges 15:4-5). 

People in the Old Testament were very violent, (like today). Fights often broke out between men ... and women too. So much so that a man called Deuteronomy had to write a rule book of combats. In it he said, "If two men are having a fight and the wife of one tries to help her husband by grabbing hold of the other man's genitals, show her no mercy ..." (Deuteronomy 25:11).

So remember this ladies next time you feel like grabbing a man's bits. Play fair!

 

 

Another person worth mentioning is a young lad called David. One day, the nation of Israel was called to fight the Philistine army that had gathered for war. A great Philistine giant named Goliath that stood at over nine feet tall came to the front of the Philistine battle line each day for forty days and mocked the Israelites and their God. Goliath called to them to fight but King Saul and the Israelite were scared and did nothing. 

So tiny little David volunteered to take him on. David took a sling with him and a few stones. He put a stone in the sling and swung it at Goliath's head. The stone hit Goliath and he fell to the ground and David killed him. Had David taken with him his girl-friend's bra instead he would have been able to kill two giants at the same time.

There are so many other lovely stories in the Old Testament. Like the one about a man called Moses who did not have a satellite navigation system and took forty years to walk a short distance through the desert.

To his credit though, Moses did try to teach his followers and the rest of us how God would like us to live. But did we listen?

You can read this, and many other stories in the Old Testament. Including the one about a big wall in Jericho which was brought down by people blowing horns. Remember that next time you go to an open air concert!  

Wet Pants

 

A nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet.

He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.

The boy believes his heart is going to stop, he puts his head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat."

He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.

As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.

The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out.

All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk.

The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie. She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. "You've done enough, you klutz!"

Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once too."

May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good.