Family Forest

 

I come from quite and inventive and clever family. The cleverness missed a generation when it came to me.

My grand-father was a famous explorer. Once when on the Equator he discovered the East Pole. The North and South Poles had already been discovered; but he discovered the East One. Unfortunately he was unable to pin it down in any one place because the Earth kept moving round from left to right and the East Pole kept escaping away.

My other grand-father's job was picking up penguins in a zoo. Penguins generally just stand there but when an air-plane flies overhead they look up and follow the plane with their eyes. Eventually, they fall on their backs. That's when grandpa would come into the enclosure and pick them up again and makes them stand in a line. 

My other grand-father invented the spoon rest. Before that, cooks and chefs, and everyone in the kitchen had a problem when using spoons in the kitchen. They would stir the soup, or the broth or whatever they were cooking and then did not know where to put the spoon. 

My other grand-father invented the cold air balloon. But it did not take off.

My other grand-father was a famous film star. He was the hump on The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

My other grand-father was a pirate. He was a vegetarian so he had a carrot on his shoulder.

My other grand-father was a glazier fixing broken windows. One day he replaced all the glass panes in an office block then realized he had a crack in his spectacles.

My other grand-father invented a humane way to kill ants. He started with a flat stone upon which he mixed a spoonful of sugar and a spoonful of pepper. The ants would be attracted by the sugar. Inhale the pepper and sneeze knocking themselves dead on the flat stone. 

My other grand-father wanted to be a lion whisperer. He finally achieved his life-long ambition just moments before he died.

My other grand-father invented a compass which always pointed in the opposite direction he was travelling. He did not know whether he was coming or going. 

My other grand-father invented a luminous sundial so he could tell the time at night. His sundial watch did not catch on though ... except on his sleeves as he put his shirts on.

My other grand-father invented the colour mauve. My grandma was in a shop and tried a new dress on. She said she liked the colour although she did not know what it was. He was in a hurry to get home and said, "Come on love ... move!" She said, "I like that, mauve is a good colour!" 

My other grand-father ... are you keeping up with me? He was a medic. He practised reverse liposuction. He put fat into thin people. Something he invented when he worked at a sausage factory. 

My other grand-father was a pharmacist. He was fired from the hospital when he invented instant laxative. 

My other grand-father was a medical beautician. He invented a new technique to deal with loose excess skin when overweight people lose weight. He tried it on a colleague. He pulled up all the loose extra skin upwards, ever so upwards, and stretched it tightly until all his excess skin was tied into a knot and hidden behind the man's neck. He looked perfectly well except that his navel was now on his forehead. He also had a very unusual tie.