That's my life

 

I don't know about you, but I've been rather tired lately. It's as if my batteries are running down and my get-up and go has got up and gone.

This morning my boss at work said, "This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?"

I said, "It means today's Wednesday!"

As it happened, on my way to work I bumped into an old friend I had not seen for years. I thought he'd be happy to see me. But he kept going on about the damage I did to his car.

It all started going wrong as soon as I left home. My wife said, "Our neighbour always kisses his wife when he goes to work. Why don't you do that?"

I replied, "How can I? I don't even know her!"

My wife doesn't understand me. Or to be precise, I don't understand her ... or women in general.

The other day my wife asked me to pass her her lipstick; but I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead. She gave me the silent treatment.

My wife and I like to keep fit. Last week, as a surprise, I swapped the double bed in the bedroom for a trampoline. She hit the roof.

I joined an early morning "online" keep fit club. You switch on the TV and join in with everyone else to do your exercises. I got up early. leaving my wife in bed, and got downstairs to get changed out of my pyjamas and into a tight fitting pink leotard. It was quite a job trying to wriggle into that elasticated one-piece contraption several sizes too small. At one point my foot got stuck and I fell over backwards with my legs in the air.

I did not realise that the camera on the TV comes on automatically. The rest of the class said I was quite entertaining ... ... ... and fit!  

I then put some corn flakes in a bowl and watched the news on TV. They said that a midget fortune-teller had escaped from prison. The headline was, "Small medium at large".

This happened when a prison van, with him and other prisoners on board, had collided with a lorry full of mixed concrete. The police are looking for some hardened criminals.

In another crime related story, it was reported that a hole had been found in the local nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

They then entered the premises and interviewed a number of people airing their differences. The police believed that the members were withholding evidence, but the nudists insisted they had nothing to hide.

They also interviewed another midget who could not keep his nose out of peoples' private business.

 

What is your purpose in life?

 

WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE IN LIFE?

Did you know that Moses was 80 years old when God asked him to go to Egypt and tell the Pharaoh "Let my people go" and get the Jews out of slavery to the promised land?

Moses tried to get his way out of this task. He made excuses, and at that age he probably had many things to do which he had been putting off for years; like clearing the garage of unwanted things that accumulated there, fix that creaky gate in the back garden, and umpteen other things that his wife had been adding to the retirement list. But eventually, he agreed and took on God's task for him. He said, "Here I am, Lord!"

You would be surprised how many people there are who go through their earthly existence without a real purpose in life. They live from day to day doing day to day things day after day without ever stopping and wondering why they are here. Their lives can be summed up as being born, living and then dying. True, in between they may do hard work, raise a family, achieve something important in an earthly kind of way; but is that all they are? A meaningless cog in the environmental cycle of life?

I don't believe so. I believe that God has given each one of us a purpose in life. We are not meant to just exist and then move on to eternal life. Each one has a God-given mission in life. For some it may be monumental as in the case of Moses. For others it might be just to set a good Christian example that makes others want what we have, and to follow our example in life. 

We never know who is watching us in life and learning from us something to emulate, or to avoid at all costs. Our very behaviour may well be our purpose in life. A kindness to someone, an encouragement, a listening sympathetic ear, or a good word proclaiming God in our lives. 

Whether we are as old as Moses was at 80, or whatever age we are, it is never too late to ask God, "What is my mission for you?" If we ask this in all honesty then God will tell us what He wants from us. 

Let us just ask God in prayer, "Here I am, Lord. What do you want me to do?"

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Cheer up, for God's sake!

 

I have met many Christians over the years whose faces look like a mile of bad road. They look down as if they have a permanent bad smell under their nose. They may look pious but they are as boring as a mouldy rice pudding.

I think they do God a disservice. God created us to be happy. To enjoy life not to endure it. Our faith is not an endurance test to be lived until death comes to the rescue.

When we look at the life of Jesus, He lived it helping others to a better life. He healed the sick. He spent personal time with each one of them and made them better. He didn't say, "Oh ... hard luck. Just try to endure your misery until death ends it all for you!"

He healed people. He raised them from the dead. He brought them back to life. To a new life. To be lived to the full.

He was raised from the dead to conquer death once and for all.

We need to remember that when we live our daily routine from day to day. Let us enjoy life as God willed it.

Sure, there will be bad times. Difficult times. Terrible times even. I've had my share of them. I am not going to pretend that I was the life and soul of the party when things were bad. Far from it. I was miserable, and my faith may have been shaken somewhat. 

But in time, the hurt ceased to hurt, not as much as before anyway. I tried to smile. Not for my sake. Not for the sake of my loved ones. But for God's sake. I told Him I shall smile and try to do better to honour His gift of life to us.

We may have good reasons to be miserable.

But we have better reasons to be happy.

Happenings in my life

Every now and then I think back at things that happened in my life and ask: Why me?

No one ever answers. Perhaps you will.

Years ago, when I lived in London, a neighbour phoned in the middle of the night, about 3:00am, and said, "Your dog barking is disturbing my sleep."

I said, "Sorry", meaning what are you talking about? Rather than being apologetic. I was half-asleep at the time.

The next morning, I remembered what happened and was upset, especially since I don't even have a dog. So at 3:00am the next night I phoned my neighbour and said, "I don't have a dog!"

When I moved to another house in London, the same thing, only different, happened again. A woman neighbour phoned me at night and said, "Your horse is in my garden!"

Rather stupidly, I replied, "Sorry!", like I did before.

The next morning I went to see her and I told her I have no horse. She said, "that's OK, it was only a  nightmare!" 

Horse ... nightmare ... get it? It comes to something when I have to explain my jokes.

When I moved up North I had a neighbour who imitated birds. I did not mind that she ate worms; but I got really annoyed when she pooped on my car!

Oh come on ... that was a good joke! You're a tough audience.

I was in my early twenties and lived in London. I got involved in politics and could have run for office locally. I used to spend a lot of time during elections knocking on doors and asking people if we could rely on their support; or answering any questions or problems they had in mind. 

I remember once I was with another colleague. We knocked on a door and a young 15 year old opened. I asked, "Are your dad or mom in?"

He shouted upstairs and said, "Daaad ... there's a man to see you!"

A voice from upstairs replied, "Bring him up!"

My colleague decided to stay at the door. I followed the lad upstairs and he took me to a bedroom where a man and a woman were in bed.

He said, "Yeh ... what do you want?"

You can imagine a 22 year old talking politics with a couple who had other things on their minds. 

On another occasion I was knocking at doors in an apartment block. As I was talking to a man at his door, I noticed a woman in her early thirties I would guess, walk up the stairs and say, "Hello Mr Farthing!" to the old gentleman I was talking to. He greeted her back, and she walked up the stairs to the level above. 

After ten minutes or so talking to him; I walked up the stairs to the higher level. We had been taught always to be honest with the voters and give a true answer to questions asked; even though it would not be what the voter wants to hear. They respect an honest politician even if their views differ from our Party.

When I rang the door bell at the apartment above, the woman I saw before opened the door totally naked. She was wearing nothing but a smile. She had obviously seen me knocking at doors and had been waiting for me.

She said, "Yes ... what do you want?"

I was honest. I said, "I forgot ..." and ran away.

Politics taught me a lot!!!!!!

That's (my) life!

Life can have its ups and downs you know. I have not always been at rock bottom in life as I am now. I have been much worse.

I remember being born in a very poor family. Not much to eat. I used to lose a fight with the birds for a worm in the garden. They got there first.

My mom used to make me wear hand-me-downs from my siblings who were older than me. I hated having to wear a dress, bra and frilly underwear.

Our house was very small. So small that even the mice had hunched-backs. And it was very damp too. We had a permanent rainbow in the kitchen. The toilet door had no lock. I used to sit on the throne singing with my foot stretched out behind the door to keep it from opening. I'd forgot it opened outwards!

Even when I grew up and got married poverty followed me around. I used to sell furniture. Mostly my own to make ends meet.

Then I became a door-to-door salesman selling doors. I had three doors strapped on my back to show potential clients the different qualities available; and I also carried two suitcases. One was full of locks and handles for clients to choose, and the other case was full of hinges of different sizes and materials.

 I knocked at a door and a very tall man opened it and said: “Yes? What do you want?”

“Good morning Sir,” I said, “I am here to open doors to great opportunities!”

As I stooped down to place the two suitcases on the ground, I bent forward a little, and the doors on my back hit him hard on the forehead.

He had a small cut on his head and it started bleeding a little.

"Do you have any Band-Aid and bandage dressing?" I asked him.

"Do you need some too?" he replied holding a handkerchief to his head, "where did you hurt yourself?"

"Not for me ... for you ..." I said. He grunted and said nothing.

I then unstrapped the three doors off my back and proceeded to explain how well made they were. He said he already had a front door which suited him quite nicely, thank you.

I then got a job as a junior clerk in an accounting firm. We were at a conference once in a town up North. We all stayed in a big posh hotel. Luxury at last.

After the evening meal, my boss, a woman in her early thirties, went up to her room. Before she left the table she asked me discretely to follow her a few minutes later. She gave me a duplicate plastic card to use in that contraption which opens the hotel room door. She said she wanted to discuss my annual appraisal report.

I was hesitant at first. I sipped my coffee slowly to waste time and to gather enough courage to decide what to do. My boss was not one to argue with. When she said, “Jump” we replied, “How high”, rather than question her request – or should I say her command.

A few minutes later I entered her room and it was empty. I said loudly, "Hello ... anyone here?"

Her voice replied from the bathroom, "I'm in the shower. Come in!"

I was astounded and frightened at this request which, as I said earlier, sounded more like a command.

My boss had a certain reputation amongst the office gossip grapevine but I never quite believed it. It seemed that now was the time for me to sample such a reputation.

I did not know what to do, especially since my future career at this firm depended so much on her and her appraisal of me. I hesitated for a while.

"Get a move on," she cried impatiently from the bathroom, "I'm not going to wait all night!"

Those were her exact words; I still remember them clearly. She obviously meant business and my future life flashed in front of my eyes.

I was totally confused. I sought guidance from my abbreviated Catechism which I carried in my pocket but I could not find an answer in a hurry. They really should have a better index in those books.

I took off my jacket and put it on the back of the chair. Then I took off my shoes. I had a big hole in one of my socks!

Before I could go on any further she came out of the bathroom fully clothed and speaking on her cell-phone. Apparently you get a better reception in the shower than anywhere else in her hotel room.

"Why have you taken your shoes off?" she asked.

"I did not want to dirty the carpet!" I replied unconvincingly.

I wonder if she believed me. Fortunately I got a good annual appraisal although she did say I often get the wrong end of the stick!

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What's happening to me?

Remember the 1969 song by Harry Nilsson Everybody's Talkin' At Me? It goes like this:

Everybody's talking at me
I don't hear a word they're saying
Only the echoes of my mind

I'll play the song for you later at the end of this post.

It seems everyone these days is giving advice, whether it is asked for, warranted or, (in my case), welcomed.

We should all examine our lives, I'm told. Re-assess what we're doing. Re-prioritise our priorities. Prepare for a new beginning. Do things differently. Take time to sit down calmly and consider what we've been doing wrong thus far. Do it differently. Better. Or not at all.

To be honest, I don't have much time for all that. I haven't been doing anything wrong all my life. Besides, I am too lazy for all this thinking, examining, re-prioritising and all that. My favourite pass-time and hobby is to sit down. Or lie down. I can do it all day.

In front of the TV, on the couch, on the floor, in the garden, in bed or even lying in a warm bath. There is nothing better than lying in a warm bath watching and contemplating ...

Have you ever wondered why the soap bubbles congregate around one particular place on your body? I wonder why? But I digress ...

There's advice everywhere these daysd about what we've been doing wrong and how we should do it better and differently.

For the past few months I have been told, time and again, what I have done wrong in all these years of marriage. I have apologised many times for things I did, or did not do, which I can hardly remember doing them or not. Why do women have such long memories? I can't even remember what I had for breakfast.

It seems it was my fault on that occasion, long ago, when I lost the car keys and we were late for her mother's birthday party. In all honesty, the keys were not lost at all. They were in my pocket the whole time. Is it worth admitting it now? Better apologise I suppose!

Everywhere I turn there is advice that we should minimise. Use less of everything. I think they call it minimalism. If that is the case, then why have they used so many letters to say the word minimalism? Couldn't they have thought of a shorter word?

There are even books on minimalism. Teaching you how to do with less. In the true spirit of the philosophy they are teaching, I have decided not to buy any of these books. Voila ... doing with less!

I also no longer use ice cubes in my whisky. I drink it neat ... using less!

I remember years ago we tried this using less fashion trend. We were well before our time. Remember the mini-skirt? And the hot pants? Very tiny skirts and shorts using less material. And women doing away with their bras and wearing flowers in their hair instead?

Also, years later, when I got married I tried to revive the trend and throw away all the useless presents her mother gave us. She wouldn't let me. I mean ... ... ... who needs a spoon rest? What is a spoon rest anyway? Who invented this useless crap piece of equipment which now has to be washed as well as the spoon? What is wrong with wiping the spoon on the back of your trousers and putting it on the table whilst cooking?

At the time, we moved from our rented home in London to a town up North. In order to minimise, or down-size, we bought an apartment in an apartment complex. I decided to put a couple of skylights in the ceiling of our apartments. The woman living above us got very irate because they looked straight into her bedroom and bathroom.

Minimalism did not work for us anyway; because there was no room in that apartment for a spoon rest.

The doctor rang me the other day. He said he hadn't seen me for a while. I told him I was not felling well. When I get better I'll go and see him.

The last time I was there he said I was a little weak. He gave me a bottle of vitamin pills. When I got home I was so weak I could not open the bottle. I had to drive back to his Insulting Room and ask him to open the bottle for me.

I was told that if I drink a pint of Guinness a day it will do me good. I rang the pub and asked them to deliver a barrel in my kitchen. Every day for the last two weeks I've been having a pint a day. It really works. When they brought in the barrel it was so heavy two men had to carry it. Now I can carry it round the kitchen by myself.

The priest rang me too. He said he hadn't seen me in church for a while. I told him that I had stopped sinning. Minimalism!

I told him would it not be better if people e-mailed him their sins for absolution? He said he already knew peoples' sins by reading Facebook.

I never understood Facebook. Too complicated. I once did not like something I said there and un-friended myself. I discovered I'd locked myself out of my own account! Myself did not like me!!!

I told the priest how sad it was that the whole world is in such a state these days. To cheer me up he said it could be worse. We could all be in a deep hole in the ground filled with water. He means well.

By the way ... as an aside ... let me warn you ... do not let supermarket staff take your temperature by scanning your head. Especially if they do it with the payment check-out machine. It erases your memory. I went to the supermarket for some salad, fruits and vegetables and bought wine and chocolates instead.

Anyway ... the priest said to me on the phone that we should pray as Jesus taught us. I did not know He had a tortoise; did you?

Here's the song I promised you:

The Book Of Life

Have you ever wondered, what if ... what if the whole of your life is just a book. You do not actually exist, but you are a character in a book, and there is someone out there reading all about you and your life. Whatever you do, or did, in life, from the moment you are born, is written in this book which is being read right now.

"And (your name) took the dog for a walk as usual starting from the park and right into town where he/she bought some tobacco for his pipe/some lip stick to match the colour of her new shoes!"

Just imagine for a moment the whole of your past life. As far back as you can remember. All the good things you did, and the bad things too, are all written down in this book which is being read by someone. All your kindness and generosity towards others, all the spiteful hateful things you have done, all the hurts and all the pains that you have caused, or have been done to you, and all the good times you enjoyed. They are all written down in this book.

If this were so; what kind of book yours would be?

A scientific one? "And (your name) spent most of his/her life studying the reproductive system of the cockroach, and was the first one to discover that they can be taught to walk in a single file to the tune of "Happy Birthday".

Or a romantic book. "As they sat down on the warm grass for a picnic he admired her long blonde hair blowing in the wind, and ran after it before it got entangled in the bushes".

Or maybe a financial book. "(Your name) had a head for figures and became very wealthy at an early age with the aid of an electronic abacus and by inheriting a fortune".

A fantasy book perhaps. "(Your name) woke up early and ran to the forest before the trees got there, only to discover that someone had stolen the river because it had totally disappeared."

Or would it be a horror book recording all your wrongdoings and unhappiness you have caused to others?

Think about it for a moment. If whoever is reading your book was asked to write a review about it; what would He say?

For make no mistake about it ... now is the time to make sure that your Book of Life has a happy ending and a good review too.

The toilet roll

They say that life is like a toilet roll; the nearer it gets to the end the faster it goes round.

How often do we speed busily through life from one thing to another and rarely have the time to stop and enjoy what life is all about.

Let's slow down a bit and make happy memories for tomorrow.