Do NOT read this

 

Do NOT read this

If you are easily offended. 

One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete.
God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him...
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him...
Then God said, "Go over to the hill."
Adam said, "What's a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was...
God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
God explained what a cave was...
Then God said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him too...
God continued, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "Well, gosh, how do I do that?"
God muttered away to himself, rather annoyed. Then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well...
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, after about thirty minutes, Adam was back...
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
Adam then asked... "What's a headache?"

OK ladies, I did warn you not to read if easily offended. Here's an alternative tale.   

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

Do Not Read This

WARNING

This post contains scenes of a sexual nature. 

Please do not read if you are easily offended.

Now read on ...

I think pigeons are stupid. When I lived in London years ago I was visiting an elderly friend who needed some help in her garden.  I went out in the garden with my ladder; you know, the one that opens like the letter A. I planned to get a little higher up a tree and pick some plums for her.

Two pigeons flew by and landed on the fence separating her garden from the neighbours. I stood still so as not to disturb them. One of them flew to the other fence; followed by the other a few seconds afterwards. Then the first one flew on the ground; followed by the other. Up on the fence; followed by the other. It walked up and down the fence; followed by the other.

It was obvious the follower, the male, wanted to get acquainted and buy her a coffee. She did not seem interested. Or did she?

He used all the old time-tried chat-up lines, "What is a nice lady like you doing in a garden like this?"

I was offended at the disparaging remark about this old lady's garden. But I waited and said nothing.

He then said, "Heaven must be missing an angel. 'Cause you're here with me right now."

I thought, "Really? This is an old 1976 song by Tavares which I used to play on the radio! Can't you think of something more modern?"

He ignored me and continued talking amorously to the uninterested female pigeon.

This reminded me of my chat-up lines when I was young.

"Hey up! Would ye like a Big Mac and a milkshake?"

She said no! I replied, "I only asked because I want to go to the toilet. They have one at McDonald's!"

Do you remember any chat-up lines from when you were courting? Share them with us.

Anyway, the two pigeons took their love-making to the next level; which I will not describe.

I just said, "Oh ... get a room!"

I did not realise that my voice carried, because from the other side of the fence a female voice said, "I didn't realise you can see us. Where are you?"

I couldn't run away. She'd heard me. I sheepishly climbed up the ladder and there, with her boy friend, she was doing on the trampoline what you are imagining now.

"Hi," she said, "it's more exciting when there's a risk of being found out!"

I nodded and waved my hand and got off the ladder.

So there you have it. Plenty for you to comment on and have a discussion.

Pigeons.

Chat-up lines.

Trampolines.

Anything else on your mind ...